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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please help me.  I keep hearing about this "Tao > Jones" cult.  Its followers are always elated because "the Tao is up" > or mortified because "the Tao is down".  Can you tell me how this cult > really works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Tao Te Jones (The Way of Prosperity): } } The Tao is the center of the universe, } the good man gains treasure, } the bad man, refuge. } } Failure is an opportunity, } to blame someone else. } There is no end to the blame. } } Therefore the Master says: } I let go of the law, } and become prosperous. } I let go of religion, } and become serene. } I let go of all desire for the common good, } and gold to me becomes common as grass. } } You owe the Oracle some insider stock tips.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "So, Brain, what's tonight's plan?" > > "Simple, Pinky. We shall seize the Internet Oracle, and cause it to > spew nothing but woodchuck questions and 'you should resubmit' answers. > We shall then digest nothing but the Juno incarnation. This pressure > should drive the average rhodite insane; this insanity will then spread > to all of Usenet, and then, the World! We shall quickly seize power, as > we are protected from the insanity by my patented insanity protection > scheme, using rehashed code from BSD Unix." > ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'you should resubmit'

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allright, young man!  What is the meaning of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a demonstrative pronoun that refers to something near, or just } mentioned by, the speaker.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't people tell the truth even though it will still hurt > anotheperson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmm.... a distinct lack of grovelling here I notice, } supplicant. }       Still, I am nothing if not magnanimous. Here goes.... }       *ahem* }       People do not always tell the truth for a number of reasons.  One } of the primary (indeed some believe original) reasons is that of self } preservation. For example [Draws back a curtain] } }       THAG : "OG! YOU SEE THAG PET GUK-GUK? HIM SMALL LIZARD. HIM THAG } BIG FRIEND.  THAG LOVE GUK-GUK." } }       OG : " *scronch scronch scronch* MGFLLLL ...URP.......... }                OG NO SEE THAG FRIEND GUK-GUK" } }       As you can see, Ogs timely fabrication has saved him an almost } certain battering at the hands of Thag. Of course, an unsophisticated } lie will often be found out and may be harshly dealt with. } }       THAG : "HEY! WHAT THAT GREEN TAIL IN OG MOUTH?" } }       OG : "DEF-NIT-LEE NOT GUK-GUK TAIL." } }       *Thud* } }       OG : "OW!" } }       *Thud Thud Thud Thumpety Thump Thud* } }       Now we come the subject of lying to protect anothers feelings. } For example, to this day Zadoc believes in the existence of a being } known as Santa Claus, who will reward him for his good deeds and } suffering by bringing him presents once a year. This particular untruth } gives Zadoc something to look forward to, a sense of warmth and } security. It is also one of my methods of controling him when he gets } uppity. By merely threatening to "inform Santa" of his misdeeds I can } quickly bring him into line for the relatively small price of a few } gifts once a year. } }       Of course, sometimes it will actually hurt someone to tell them } the truth. Allow me to demonstrate..... }       ZADOC!!! Zadoc! Present yourself, worm!! } }       Zadoc : "You bellowed, Lord?" } }       Oracle : "Zadoc, about 'Santa Claus' .... There's something you } should know..." } }       Zadoc : "Santa, Lord? ..... Oh please lord, I am sorry I didn't } mean to not grovel.  Please, I beg you sweet all-knowing one, do not } inform against me!" } }       Oracle : "No, Zadoc, its nothing like that. But you should know } Zadoc that, well, Santa does not exist. We fabricated the story to } manipulate you." } }       Zadoc : "Ahaha. Good one your magnificence. But I know he } exists. Otherwise who brings all the presents, eh?" } }       Oracle : "That's me." } }       Zadoc : "No, you can't fool me. I know he's real. He brings } people presents.  He'll bring me presents. He will!" } }       *sigh* Well, of course there's no accounting for stupidity.  But } believe me, that could have been quite nasty. } }       And that brings us conveniently to my favourite kind of untruth } .... the malicious lie. Of course for this you often need some } preparation in order to be truly convincing. } }       Oracle : "Zadoc, you're right of course. There *was* a Santa } Claus.  [produces charred scrap of red cloth from pocket.  Close up } reveals dirty whit trim] I blasted him Zadoc. Blasted him to tiny } pieces with my marvellous staff of ZOT!  HA HA Ha Ha harrrrrrrr! " } }       [fade to sounds of tortured weeping] } }       You owe Zadoc a lifetime of therapy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most courteous of those who can cause death to mortals on a > whim! > > Is it true an armed society is a polite society?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Email, paperless libraries, banking without cash--it's the Internet, } and its the wave of the future.  Joining me via satellite from } Philadelphia, Sanford Wallace; from Los Angeles, the dancing baby; } and here in the studio with me in New York, the Internet Oracle. } That's next on Larry King Live. } } <opening credits> } } LARRY KING: Good evening, good evening, good evening.  The Internet: }         it's big news.  It's also big business.  Sanford Wallace, }         your company, Cyberpromotions, made 23 million dollars last }         year.  How? } WALLACE: Drive.  We've made our money by persevering in the face of }         advers-- } } <Wallace explodes. Camera quickly cuts to Larry King> } } LARRY KING: What the hell was that? } ORACLE: <snicker> } LARRY KING: OK, moving on.  Dancing baby.  Your thoughts on-- } } <Dancing Baby explodes> } } LARRY KING: This is the absolute last time I have a deity on the }         show.  Okay, Internet Oracle, lets discuss the browser war. } ORACLE: No. } LARRY KING: Excuse me? } ORACLE: I said no.  I'm sick of hearing about it. } LARRY KING: Well, there you have it.  How about the Microsoft case? }         What's your op-- } ORACLE: Sick of that too. } LARRY KING: <sigh> Pornography on the Int-- } ORACLE: Booooring. } LARRY KING: Protecting your priva-- } ORACLE: Thbpt! } LARRY KING: <expletive deleted>! Would you like to host the show? } ORACLE: No.  I just want to talk about me. } LARRY KING: I was getting to that.  You're an impatient bastard, }         aren't you? } ORACLE: No.  Just self-centered.  Ask about my supplicants. } LARRY KING: The people who ask you questions.  You'll answer any }         question from anyone? Ok, how much wood *could* a wood-- } ORACLE: Careful.  Remember, they're still cleaning up Wallace. } LARRY KING: Ok, so help me out here.  What kind of questions *do* }         your supplicants ask? } ORACLE: Ok, for instance: Someone just recently wrote me and asked }         "Dear almighty Oracle, what flavor *is* bubble gum?" } LARRY KING: And what was your answer? } ORACLE: Oh, I haven't answered yet, I have 24 hours to make them }         sweat.  I'll probably give a goofy answer, like "horse }         hoof."  Seems to satisfy their mindless tastes. } LARRY KING: So all your supplicants are morons? } ORACLE: No, not at all.  Some of them are dufuses and some are }         dorks.  Actually, I do get a good share of current-events }         style questions.  For instance, I just got this question: }         "Is it true that an armed society is a polite society?" } LARRY KING: And how would you answer that? } ORACLE: Well, you have to look for key words in the question.  In }         this instance, the key phrases are "armed" and "polite," }         which of course are great words when telling a joke about }         New York.  So a good answer would be something like, "No, }         just take a look at New York, even the old ladies are }         packing heat, and they'll flip you the bird just as soon as }         look at you."  But, since their honorable Mayor, in between }         public appearances in drag, is trying to push politeness }         among New Yorkers.  I'd probably have to make a crack about }         France. } LARRY KING: Ah, international humor.  So that's pretty much the }         extent of your humor? } ORACLE: No, not quite.  I do get questions about other topics.  Some }         people ask about current events, some ask about their }         futures, some even ask about relationships.  I've even saved }         more than a few marriages with my answers.  You should write }         to me some time, Larry. } LARRY KING: Interesting.  You'll never be back, but it's been }         interesting. } ORACLE: Thank you. } LARRY KING: Tomorrow night my guests will be Kenneth Starr, Monica }         Lewinski, and Kermit the Frog.  Good night. } } You owe the ORACLE a transcription of Larry King's infamous } Og vs. Alley Oop episode.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle I have a question that only you the omnipotent, > all-knowing and wonderful Oracle could answer. > > Why do people have foot odor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu } From:  oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } Zadoc, I'm pondering this supplicant's question, and I need to know the } physiological details that cause humans to have foot odor.  Research and } report immediately. } } - O } ---------------------------------------- } To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu } From:  zadoc@cs.indiana.edu } } Kendai!  The Master requests our help!  A supplication has moved him to } search for the source of odorous feet!  Research this at once! } } Zadoc } ---------------------------------------- } To:    lisa@cs.indiana.edu } From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu } } Hi, your net.goddess.ness.  Somebody finally wised the O-man up that, } like, his feet reek.  Now he wants to know why.  What do I tell him? } } Thanks, K } ---------------------------------------- } To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu } From:  lisa@cs.indiana.edu } } Hi Zadoc.  Listen, I have kind of a delicate matter here.  Orrie is } finally noticing something that's been hard to get off my mind for } a while.  What do you think is the best way bring it up with him so } I don't hurt his feelings? } } Lisa } ---------------------------------------- } To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu } From:  zadoc@cs.indiana.edu } } Aiee!  Kendai!  The Oracle is getting suspicious of my deep and longing } love for Lisa!  And Lisa wants to tell him everything!  I must hide! } Tell Lisa to wait until dark, then come and get me from the basement } closet, and we'll run off together! } } Zadoc } ---------------------------------------- } To:    lisa@cs.indiana.edu } From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu } } Hi Lisa.  Zadoc said to tell you:  he's ready to run, stuffed in that } musty little place, when it's dark. } } K } ---------------------------------------- } To:    kendai@cs.indiana.edu } From:  lisa@cs.indiana.edu } } Thanks, Kendai.  I don't know why I didn't think of that.  He goes } running, he works hard, his feet are stuffed into dark, musty little } shoes.  Of course he has foot odor!  If we present it to him that way, } he'll think it's a macho thing.  Good work.  I have to go shopping } this afternoon, though.  Tell Zadoc he'll have to give Orrie the news. } And tell him to do it in person, not email.  He'll take it better } that way. } } Lisa } ---------------------------------------- } To:    zadoc@cs.indiana.edu } From:  kendai@cs.indiana.edu } } Hey, man.  Lisa said to tell you:  she's running out.  You need to tell } Orrie.  In person, not email. } } K } ---------------------------------------- } } Zadoc [trudging up stairs and mumbling]:  M-m-master, Lisa has already } left you ... no ... Lisa loves me, not you ... no ... } } Oracle:  There you are, Zadoc! } } Zadoc:  Aiee! } } Oracle:  What in the world have you been doing?  You're soaked with } sweat, your skin is pale, and you smell like a basement! } } Zadoc:  I -- } } Oracle:  Oh, of course, the foot odor question!  You certainly have } been throwing yourself into your research lately.  Let me take notes } here ...  Perspiration ... dampness ... darkness ... lack of fresh air. } } Zadoc:  Uh, m-master? } } Oracle:  One moment, Zadoc.  There you go, supplicant, now you know } what causes foot odor.  Thank you for using The Internet Oracle. } Now, did you have something else to say, Zadoc? } ---------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a pair of charcoal shoe inserts made from the } byproducts of Zadoc's next line.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and wonderful.  You for whom the sun rises in the > morning and sets in the evening; for whom the moon shines it's silver > light at night.  Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle tell me the answer > to this poser: > > Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.  A peck of pickled > peppers, peter piper picked.  If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled > peppers, where are the pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Packed and poked in a place polite people prefer not placing peppers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O really really really really smart Oracle: How can I get my > POP server to dispense Diet Coke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't do it without root beer permissions.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there balm in Gilead? Tell me, tell me truly, I implore.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well,  yes.   It's a partially dehydrated compound of oil, salt and } alcohol that's been sealed in an amber bottle for the past two thousand } years under a  tax  collector's  house  in Gilead.  Guaranteed, if you } rub that on your wounds you won't forget it.  But don't take my word } for it.  Hoi, Zadoc! } } Zadoc: (enters) Yes, magnificent one?  How may I abase myself? } } (The Oracle points the ZOT staff at Zadoc) } } ---===*** ZOT! ***===--- } } Zadoc: (indescribably burnt, shrieking in agony) Aaaagh! } } Oracle: Now, now.  Let's put some of this balm on you.  (administers }      stinging compound onto Zadoc's freshly blistered skin) } } Zadoc: AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!! } } Oracle: Be honest now, this is for posterity.  Does it hurt more }      now or before? } } Zadoc: NOW!  NOW! } } Oracle: Thank you.  Remove yourself from my presence. } } (Zadoc drags himself into the antechamber, still screeching) } } Well,  there  *was*  a  balm  in  Gilead, but now it's used up.  All } things considered,  it's probably for the best.  You owe the Oracle a } Band-Aid and some Neosporin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is it not true that you, who claim to be a mighty and omniscient > oracle are truly nothing but a network of other supplicants?  Is it > not also true that your continued existance depends on the inane > ramblings of these said supplicants?  And is it not also true that > if all of the said supplicants one day decided to stop sending you > their inane ramblings, you would simply fade out of existance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       [sound of a large door slamming] } }       [Zadoc and choir can be heard chanting in background] } }       [Lisa, dressed in red, approaches a billiard ball sized glass }       black sphere and shrieks ] } }       Lisa: THE QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED!! } }       [Sphere hums and A Voice is heard] } }       Voice: } }        Now we shall hear of The Twilight of the Oracle! } }    The end of the Oracle will be preceded by the ask-age and the }    tellme-age. But then Questions will be ignored and destroyed; }    following it is a whine-age and a juno-age before the inevitable }    doom of the Oracle.  Winter will take its toll for three consecutive }    years without the summer interfering to bring its people mercy from }    countless El Nino News Reports seemingly without end. Three other }    winters one named Johnathon and two of them twins, one quite pale }    will make their presences re-known. And Browsers and followers of }    the Lynx will engage in battle against one another. Admins will }    abandon their ports and spam will flourish! } }    The wolves BAD_URL and The Piefaced One will swallow SUN and the }    creation of the Finn, bringing total darkness into the world. }    The FAQS will fail, the earth-link will tremble; Delphi and The }    Well will crumble to the ground. Monstrous threads will break free }    from the fetters that bind them; and the wild hunt will begin. }    UDPs will slow them not. } }    And The Oracle will help the netizens naught, for they will }    have ceased to believe! One warning of this only will you have, }    a supplicant will think that he is ye, and tell the others to say }    "Hey, we is he!", and others will add to that "me too." } }    Then THE DEATH WOODCHUCK will run loose dragging its jaws upon the }    earth and the heavens above. It will spew its deadly non-sequiturs }    unchecked in the world around him. Paradoxes will wander in broad }    daylight! Queues without end will be and riddles will torment the }    weak and feeble. No one will ask "what is the meaning of life". }    And those same supplicants will say "How much more death can this }    death woodchuck spread if it could spread dread to dead heads still }    unbred?" And no one will be there to shame them for having asked. } }    For the DEATH WOODCHUCK set free from its web of `nets giants who }    shall sing the siren song of "join the crew!" And the UL will be }    confused with the truth! And that is the true sign of THE END. }    Fear the UL! Fear its mate the FOAF! } }    The lies of the UL will ring across the `net Vworlds warning of }    flowing glass and sewergators. The Yggdrasil tree will have cat }    skeletons in it. The warriors in Valley GURL will be sent to the }    plane and drop a cow from it on a boat. } }    The `net Vworlds under the UL tree will become a blazing inferno. }    All will die, the paradoxes will laugh, the bandwidth will shrink }    and fall into a pit of flaming and the last wild Isp will sink }    into a unanswered sea of Qs. } }    [Lisa breaks into sobs]