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} It's clear that you're not in the marketing industry, both from
} your lackluster grovel and your question. Well, my grovel-challenged
} supplicant, here's the story.
}
} Many incarnations ago, two shrew marketers (no, dear supplicant,
} that's not a typo. They weren't particularly clever, but they did
} sell shrews) were trying to corner the shrew market.
}
} These businessmen (let's call them Thag and Og, for the sake of...
} well, ok, for no reason) had a distinct problem. Since they were
} both selling the exact same product, it was difficult to convince
} customers to choose one shrew over another.
}
} "Thag shrew stink bad!"
}
} "Og shrew no good smell!
}
} As you can see, neither of these arguments is really more compelling
} than the other. What Thag and Og needed was a way to convince everyone
} to buy their shrew, even though all the shrews were really the same.
} Since their cost was basically the same (there really -aren't- that
} many ways to skin a shrew, despite all those stories that have been
} going around), they couldn't really use price as a selling point,
} either.
}
} Since Thag and Og didn't really want to -lie- to their customers
} (Although many marketers, even to this day, don't suffer from this
} probem), they were in a bind...
}
} ...Until I received a question from Og a while back.
}
} > > "Oracle make shrew smell good! Og shrew sell help need!"
}
} (As you can see, you're pretty much on par with Og for a good grovel)
}
} My advice then, as it is now, was to tell potential customers some
} meaningless bit of nothing about the product. If their customers were
} as stupid as they were (a reasonable assumption), then they'd latch on
} to that as an indication of a superior product, and sales would rocket!
} (of course, try explaining rocket to Og. Man. that guy is thick as
} a brick)
}
} So, phrases like "new and improved" actually, as you managed to figure
} out, sum up to nothing. And things like "50% more" don't mean anything
} if you don't give something to compare to. You may have even noticed a
} similar trend in some fast food stores to label their drinks 'Medium',
} 'Large', and 'Bust-a-Kidney' ... with nothing to compare their size
} labels to, it doesn't matter.
}
} Og started a new campaign for his shrew business that helped him club
} Thag over the head (metaphorically speaking)... "Og Shrew: More meat,
} more stink!"
}
} The moral of this story is... 50% better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent explanation of which way is up, a new
} and improved grovel, and a Mr. Pibb Big Gulp.
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![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
