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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, wiser than Al Franken, funnier than John Belushi, > more co-ordinated than Chevy Chase, more with-it than Jane Curtin, > please answer my question: > > I understand that TV signalas are capaable of being picked up beyond > our atmosphere, and maybe even seen and decoded out in space. > > Does that mean, somewhere, on a planet twenty light-years from here, > that Saturday Night Live is still funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the present SNL cast creates a level of humorlessness so } incredible that it turns our planet into something of a comedic black } hole. All good comedy attempting to leave is drawn into the center and } destroyed by repeats of the Cheerleading Sketch. } } You owe the Oracle Lorne's head on a pike.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is older than Mister Looper, bigger than Big Bird, and > more visible than Snuffie, for whom I am barely a felt pimple on > Grover's nose. Please tell me...why do I keep dreaming of pinball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm kinda sorry you asked this, because it's been a riot to watch. } } Ever since your physician suggested you elevate the head of your bed } due to your pulmonary problem... well, after you go to sleep your cats } have been playing "Tommy" by the Who very softly. One of them grabs } ahold of your feet (you really should invest in a longer bed)... then } they drop mouse heads on your face. } } You, [Oracle begins to chuckle] you slap at the mouse, kinda like this, } but don't awake. Then [Oracle breaks into a laugh], then the cats } start tweaking your feet, It is SO funny, and you start flopping } around.  [Oracle is openly guffawing now], and, and, they have this } complicated scoring system based on how long it takes the mouse head to } get to the foot of the bed, [Oracle begins howling] plus bonus points } for what parts of your body the mouse head hits, with a BONus 100 } points if the HEAD hits your little [Oracle is crying with laughter]. . } I can't, can't go on! Whew! Gotta catch my breath here... } Whew. . . } } You owe the Oracle the capacity for compassion.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie, Dear Orrie, my hands are too small > I need all my fingers to Ctrl-Del-And-Alt > My front slash is backward, my at-sign's a deuce > How can I send email?  I'm really confused > Siiii-iigned.... New User.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rhyme police.  Pull your mail agent to the side of the internet! } } > Ummmm, yes? } } We hear that you've been attempting humorous submissions to the } Internet Oracle, in rhyme. } } > Well, I did submit something recently, but I'm not sure what the } > problem is. } } In this email, you attempted to two rhymes, but both were disasters. } } > Ummm, well, uh, it's not really... you see... } } Don't try and lie, we've got you caught on e-mail. } } > Well, I was just trying to be funny. } } Sure, sir, sure you were. } } > After all, so many good digested answers are in rhyme. } } Yes.  Did you notice something else about them.  They all rhyme } well.  The supplicants and incarnations in question all carefully } matched line tempo with the original work they were parodying, and } made certain that each line rhymed.  And do know why? } } > Ummm, no... } } Because every time a rhyme fails, a woodchuck gets his wings. } } > Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't reali...Eh?  A woodchuck? } } You really are probably better not knowing.  I'm sorry, but I'm } going to have to write you a ticket. } } > Couldn't you just let me off with a warning? } } Sorry.  At least you don't get a zotting this time. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme starting with, "Because I could not } grovel to Orrie, he kindly zotted me..."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to download a file using ftp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, FTP.  FTP is one of the trickier protocols, what with that } two way connection going on.  You see, you establish a connection } to the remote site, the "control connection" to request the file } from.  Unfortunately, the file can't come back down that same } connection, after all, what if you wanted to request more files, abort } the download, or order a pizza from that same connection?  So the other } site will open a data connection back to you for sending files down. } Clearly, this means that you need two phone lines. } } On the first phone line, call up the site you are interested in. } If you don't know the phone number, just use the IP address.  Because } the phone companies run the internet, an IP address is just as good. } When you connect, ask for the file you would like.  Sadly, with the } dawn of the web, many sites support for FTP has been lacking.  If the } person you speak with tries to explain that this isn't how it's done, } then they're just one of the confused "new-age" sysadmins who only } know the web.  Just keep insisting until they agree. } } Now the other site will call on the other phone line.  It will be } your file calling. } } You owe the Oracle an equally accurate explaination of how to see a } web page using http.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo, O!  what it is, homeboy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, friend!  I'm glad you asked!  What it is is:  Freebonics! } } Freebonics is a new language designed by The Internet Oracle to assist } people like you who have recently started using the Information } Superhighway through the use of a free e-mail service.  By conversing } with you over this wonderful electronic medium in Freebonics rather } than techno-speak, we hope to help you quickly get your bearings in } cyberspace!  Below is a basic glossary -- any time you feel confused, } just replace the Freebonics phrase with the old-fashioned English } phrase.  Enjoy your free e-mail account, and surf, surf, surf! } }  **NEW** Freebonics terminology                English terminology } -------------------------------- } Hello...................................What the hell do you want now? } friend..................................clueless freaking newbie } I'm glad you asked......................I'm going to spear us both in }                                             the heart if you don't quit }                                             bothering me every 5 }                                             seconds } assist..................................get rid of } people like you.........................clueless freaking newbies } using...................................screwing up all over } Information Superhighway................Internet } free e-mail.............................e-mail abomination } service.................................plague } conversing with.........................insulting } wonderful electronic medium.............INTERNET, stupid } techno-speak............................plain English that any normal }                                             8-year-old could master } quickly.................................as quickly as a dolt like you }                                             could be expected to move } get your bearings.......................learn your pathetic place } cyberspace..............................INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET! }                                             Don't you ever learn? } basic...................................simplified for your IQ level }                                             to the point of utter }                                             uselessness } feel confused...........................exist } Enjoy...................................I hope you choke on } account.................................infestation } surf....................................die } } You owe the Oracle somewhere else for you to surf, friend.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most computationally-inclined, who's harem of is guarded > by a thousand UNIX, enlighten this lowly supplicant... > > If two packets on an Ethernet network collide, and nobody's around > to hear it, is there a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Network packets travel close to the speed of limit } }       The approximate velocity of an electrical signal in twisted pair }       wire is 0.9 * c.  'c' is the speed of light in a vacuum, or }       in this case, an electrical signal through a theoretical }       medium with zero impedance. } }         This means that network packets travel at approximately 90% of }       the theoretical maximum speed, or 90% of the speed of light. }                                       - see A.S. Tanenbaum. }                                             Computer Networks, 3rd Ed. } } 2. A network packet is to the Internet as a horse is to ________ }       A> Bill Clinton }       B> The Usenet Oracle }       C> dung }       D> the Pony Express }    The answer is D>, the Pony Express. }                                               - SAT test 1997:F1 }                                                 (English Section 2 }                                                  question #29) } } 3. A horse can run at about 35 mph. } }       The theoretical maximum velocity of any object also the speed }       of light, or 'c'.  Therefore, the theoretical maximum velocity }       of a horse in a vacuum, assuming the horse is wearing a space }       suit, is also the speed of light. } } } 4. The sound made by two (2) colliding network packets going at 90% of }       their theoretical maximum speed would be the same as two horses }       on the Pony Express going at 90% at their theoretical limit }       by the law of transitive properties. } } 5. If two horses ran into each other at high speed would have to }       injured badly, and would have to be destroyed.  The jockeys }       wouldn't be particularly happy either. }                               - Pennsylvania Statutes }                                 Title 3. Agriculture }                                 Chapter 7. Domestic Animals }                                 esp. Section 325. Authority to Destroy } } 7. Horse destruction is only a valid deductible business expense if }    you reported a profit in your businees the previous tax year. }                               - IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 1040 Schedule C }                                 IRS 1997 Tax Year Form 8582 } } 8. The Pony Express has been out of business since October 1861. }                       - Pony Express Quick Facts }                         <http://www.ponyexpress.org/quick_facts.htm> } } Therefore, irregardless of the whether the sound of the colliding } network packets is actually created or not, there is still a $250 } discrepancy between your 1997 Tax Year withholdings and your actual } financial obligation.  You must now pay an under-reported income } penalty of US $69,230,403.48 to the IRS. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle the latest IRS Tax Auditor Training Guide.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most metaphysical, who are the hip, up-and-coming, young > deities thi month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #5 Ambigo; }       God of whatever }       Family: Son of Iguessso and Noduh }       Symbol: Shoulder Shrug of Apathy }       Haunts: High Schools and Malls }       Strengths: Can not be bothered }       Weakness: No ambition, speaks in grunts }       Outlook: Very Popular with under 20s }       Last Month: 5 }       Months on Chart: 48 } } #4 Internina; }       office nymph }       Family: Daughter of Sluteena, Father(s) (?) }       Symbol: Big hair on field of uncrossed knee-pads }       Haunts: floors of the corridors of power }       Strengths: can suck a tennis ball thru a hose }       Weakness: Kiss and tells }       Outlook: Very Popular with over 50 males }       Last month: BULLET! }       Months on Chart: n/a } } #3 Dr. Zeus; }       Muse of lame drivel }       Family: found under a plate of green ham }       Symbol: large feline in striped hat }       Haunts: Day Care Centers }       Strengths: Sells well }       Weakness: followers speak in almost rhyming monosyllables }       Outlook: Very Popular with under 4 set and their parents }       Last month: 3 }       Months on chart: 244 } } #2 Fund deMutal; }       spirit of short term capital gains }       Family: Born to two bulls(!?!) }       Symbol: jagged upward arrow }       Haunts: Hearts of Baby Boomers }       Strengths: attracts cash }       Weakness: May not be able to get up if falls }       Outlook: Will be loved as long as he can keep it up }       Last month: 1 }       Months on chart: 17 } } #1 Lottero; }       Random Number Pixie }       Family: allegedly generated by a bin of bouncing balls }       Symbol: constantly changing }       Haunts: bars, Las Vegas, check cashing operations }       Strengths: hard to pick }       Weakness: followers either love or hate him }       Outlook: May soon be over shadowed its siblings Offtracko }                and Loansharkaria who have recently mated and }                produced their own, as of yet, unnamed spawn }       Last month: 2 }       Months on chart: 21 } } You owe the Oracle the Good Ol' Days.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Great and Wise, > > How did the Spice Girls ever get popular?  Were you responsible for it > somehow?  Why would you inflict such monstrosities on us?  Have we > displeased you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And God looked down upon the Earth, and was displeased. } For the Music was foolish and sophmoric. } And The Lord said "Let there be Good Music." } And there was Good Music, for a time. } } But then the Shadow came, and its name was Met'al. } And it devoured all that stood before it, with its brother } Di'sco. And they laughed at the foolish pop stars. } The Punk fought them, but was defeated in the end. } } The Shadow remained until the days of Em'Tee'Vee. And } Em'Tee'Vee was ruled in those days by a group } Known as the Br'its and Me'tal'heads. } And the Me'tal'heads were the sons of Met'al } } The Di'sco was defeated, but his brother Met'al } Remained upon the Earth, laughing hartily } At Em'Tee'Vee. And Met'al made a monster } Known as Poisen, that sucks unto this very day. } } Then the Punk returned, under a new name, } And that name was Al'tern'ive. And Al'tern'ive } Was a Shadow, as well, and dominated music } For well unto six years. } } And Al'tern'ive was cousin to a creature known } As Ra'. And Ra' begat Gan'ta, who was as } False as Met'al. And the Br'its fell from } Power, and Al'tern'ive and the Ra' laughed. } } But the Br'its summoned a clan of monsters, } Known as Sp'ice. And the Br'its sent them } Unto the Al'tern'ive and said Death shall be } Their summoning. And the Al'tern'ive died. } } But the Sp'ice were wraithful, and destroyed } Much of Music, and Hanson followed them, } And they created Havoc among the Children. } And there was no hope now of defeating them. } } And the Lord looked down, and was displeased. } And the Lord said unto the Children of Music: } "Was I not the one who brought you out of the } House of El'vis? Was I not the Lord that destroyed } } The Da've Cla'rk Fi've? And why hath ye done this?" } And the Lord sulked, and the Oracle could do nothing. }           -The Second Book of Music, 32:12

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose garden has no crow or gopher problem; > > Where did we take a wrong turn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a mile before the spot where the old schoolhouse used to be, } stranger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, you are dextrous, ambidextrous and sinister beyond > the handiwork of mortals! > > If Al Gore were to become the next US President what would be his > administration's Top Ten Achievements? Top Ten Blunders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's two questions.  But, sigh, here goes. } } Top 10 achievements of the Bore, I mean, Gore administration: } } 1 - Finally ends threat of Saddam Hussein by putting him to sleep with } 48 minute speech, then blasting him. } } 2 - Being the "First Internet President," he gets so fed up with spam } he orders the NSA to track down spammers so the CIA can "silence" them. } } 3 - First administration in eight years not to have a sex scandal. } (Well, if you don't count his oldest daughter's future fling with Amy } Carter.) } } 4 - Takes so many kickbacks from Buddhist priests he feels obligated to } liberate Tibet from China through economic sanctions. "We want our } Kentucky Fried Chicken," yell millions of demonstrators at Tienemen } Square. China relents. } } 5 - Surrounds Cuba with aircraft carriers following the death of Fidel } Castro -- Cuba Libre not just a "Rum and Coke" anymore. } } 6 - Finds and deports everyone who has ever appeared on the Jerry } Springer Show. America's average IQ doubles. } } 7 - Offers statehood to all Canadian provences (except Quebec) after } Quebec seceeds. Stunned when Canadians say, "Why in hell would we want } to join, eh?" } } 8 - Doesn't freak out when Florida Keys seceed (again) from the union. } } 9 - Signs popular vote into law. No more idiotic electoral college. } } 10 - Signs agreement with all nuclear nations reducing total stockpile } of warheads to 20. "That oughta be enough to vaporize the next big } comet," Gore says. } } And the 10 top blunders: } } 1 - Putting Tipper in charge of the National Endowment for the Arts. } } 2 - Calling Tiger Woods "Homey" during White House reception. } } 3 - Telling King Charles that Camilla looks like the winner of the } Kentucky Derby. } } 4 - Putting Bill Gates in charge of new Internet Infrastructure } Administration. (The IIA will be more important in the 21st century } than FEMA, the IRS, NASA and the FBI. That is, after Bill is shot by a } rabid Linux user.) } } 5 - Three words: Pardoning Bill Clinton. } } 6 - Never talks to Hillary Clinton again after the Clinton divorce and } Hillary's bombshell that she is moving in with Ellen Degeneres and Annie } Hecht. } } 7 - Takes so much money from Buddhist priests he begins wearing orange } robes during "State of Union" address. } } 8 - State of Union address lowest rated telecast ever. Exactly 11 people } watch. Congress falls asleep. Strom Thurmond chokes himself on own } necktie. (Although that should probably be listed under "achievements.") } } 9 - Re-introduces Susan B. Anthony dollar. Public STILL doesn't like it. } } 10 - Tries metric system but fails when he realizes his neighbors in } Tennessee can't handle the concept of "liters" only "fifths." } } Of course, the only reason he wins is the Republicans nominate Dan } Quayle, and Americans are too stupid to vote Libertarian. } } You owe the Oracle a third party with a snowball's chance in Key West of } winning a major election.