Goto:

101, 101-01, 101-02, 101-03, 101-04, 101-05, 101-06, 101-07, 101-08, 101-09, 101-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my roommate an asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the roommate? }   an asshole? }     not likley! }   for how? } could the roommate? }   be an asshole? }     and still? }   play very loudly? } very very very loudly? }   medieval tunes! }     from norway! }   norwegian folk songs! } every night! }   norwegian folk nights! }     like in norway! }   midnights! } after midnights! }   early mornings! }     norwegian folk dawn songs! }   very early! } does it mean? }   that perhaps? }     he would not let you sleep?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH!  I've just > spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED > across the median onto the opposing lanes!  CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING > AT ME AT 80 MPH! >                    HELP!  QUICK!!  WHAT SHOULD I DO????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Office of the Oracle, please hold the line ... } } ..... } ... } } Hello, sorry to keep you waiting. } Hello? } Who's calling please? } Hello? } } .... } } I hate these *%@!@##$%^% prank calls. } } <click>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why is it that 3.5" diskettes come in little disk condoms?  Is this > to promote safe hex?  Doesn't the Moron Majority have any say in this? > The whole process of inserting a disk in a disk drive is downright > Freudian.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know how computer weenies (like us) try to ignore sexual drives in } favor of being good hackers?  That sex stuff can't be kept down for too } long!  If it doesn't come up in the usual way, it'll come spurting out } some other direction.  I guess the same goes for disk designers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a borogove?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person who asks the oracle what they are.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I collect gum wrappers.  I fold them into a long chain.  My long chain > is very long.  I am very good at folding gum wrappers.  Would you like > some gum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  I think you should be aware of the legality factor in such things } though.  Sure, you won't have the Post Office beating down your door. } They only care about chain mail.  You won't have the Police in your butt } with a microscope, they only care about chain murders and drug chains. } } However, I think that the FD&C Red Number 5, Bubble gum task force would } be quite preturbed with a chain of wrappers. } } ps.  You don't chain smoke do you?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My linguistic faculties have been on the Fritz all day. > M   h   t >  y   a   o >       s   o      No matter what Hans did, his every other thought co >    o   n                                                           n >     r   '   h         ihtyna swonk ydoboN .sgnikcots ten-hsif denrec >      i   t   o         n >       e       t         g         it appears to be.  But in what sen >        n   b                                                       s >         t   e   e         I     t             w eht esu tsuj I did e >          a   e   i       '     a               o >           t   n   t     v     h                 r     se?  Do I make >            i       h     e   w ylno si esn       d   n     myself >             o       e                     e         e      clear? >              n       r.    seen.  Y'know s         s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don }            't }              b } e }       sill }                  y                the }      re is }                       noth }   ing               wrong         wi }             th                     yo } ur     l       i } n                                     g }        u }             is } tic }                 s                     .

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's a bee on my Twinkie -- somehow that only amuses the wrong half > of my brain.  But it's okay, I'm on they're happy so therapy.  But I > need to know, does this situation require any power tools?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You fool, how did you let that craven insect amuse you at all?  You } should know better, someone with your pschological history should have } never been allowed twinkies sweets!  I think it is time that you go get } a little bit of jolts on the brain!  You are really a pathetic fool, I } think I will turn you into a warty toad!  Nah, an amoeba would be much } more fun, then I could stick you in a microscope with a 200 watt bulb } and watch you cook slowly, your cell structure start to break down, } until---- } } Oracle, this is God again.  Didn't I tell you not to threaten people who } ask you of advice?  You know what happens when you stat this up.  I make } you program in COBOL for eons.  Do you want that? } } --No, no Lord, I'll be good <grovel, grovel, lots of shinola>. } } Now, what was it, oh yes, No power tools necessary.  Just an axe and two } quarts of cream cheese. } } You owe the Oracle a new can of shinola

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened when did me first know that do you say help you that I > came to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle owe you big time for dictionary new parse to sentence that. } } You thank.  Object before sentence of rest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many days do I have to wait for a reply to my love letter that I > sent to you 3 months ago.  Now you know I love you greatly, but if you > don't reply within 30 days, I will have to marry someone who seems to be > better than you and who claims that he loves me very much. > >                                          Love, >                                             Granny

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle } Right Hand of God } Heaven, IN  00001 } } January 15th, 1990 } } Dear Mrs. Granny: } } We are sorry for the misplacement of your previous letter and we hope } that future occurances will not come about.  Please remember that at } the time your balance with the Oracle was past due.  I understand that } this was also a misunderstanding on our part and that you in fact had } a credit balance with us. } } Please bear with these difficulties as the Oracle is in a state of } transition. } } Upon your referral the letter was called up from limbo and was again } examined.  With careful consideration the late answer is this: } } } I don't love you Granny, but I do like the cookies you sent me for } } Christmas.  You are very appreciated but you would be happier with } } the other person. } } } } You owe the oracle another batch of cookies. } } We can offer no greater apology for the lateness of this reply.  We } can offer many excuses, however: } }  # The message was declassified and handled by another user.  This }    user was removed from the network forcibly before he could answer }    the message.  Mr. Morris will probably reply after his trial. } }  # A network link was down and your message was forwarded to limbo }    before being processed. } }  # The Oracle called in sick that day and the secretary lost it. } }  # The Oracle was temporarily misdirected by a really good posting on }    rec.humor.funny.  This occurance happens with some frequency, but }    no one really minds. } }  # We have no idea why we lost your message. } } Please accept this late reply as it is all we will offer. } } Signed, } } The Usenet Oracle } } PS, You owe the oracle yet another batch of cookies.  They're great!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If computers had philosophers, what would they preach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Computer philosphers would most likely talk } Of networks, devices, troff and awk, } Of clustered processors and Ethernet lines, } And math co-processors capable of splines. } } In the case of a query to which they knew not } The answer, they would pause for some thought } And come to the Usenet Oracle, you see, } For there exists no greater source of knowledge } Than me. } } For I am the Oracle, and I'm okay, } I answer your dumb questions both } Night and day } I tend to eat CPU time } For no reason at all } Just to tick off our operators } And send them up the wall. } } You owe the Oracle an ox.