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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style > chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin. > Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave > wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro. > > MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!! > > Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. > Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk > spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, > berries. Urk flee from wolves. > > Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. > Urk tell how. > > WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own > cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message > on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk > ask shaman, gods say okay. > > HERE LIST: > >    1) Urk >       First cave >       Olduvai Gorge > >  few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag) >       old dead tree >       by laked shaped like mammoth > >  few) Og >       big rock with overhang >       near pig game trail > > Many) Zog >       river caves >       where river meet big water > > Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work. > > (c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: ZADOC ! Catch Og before he leaves the building. Tell him I need } him and I mean NOW. } } Z: Yes, O He whose whimsy exceeds that of Rush Limbaugh. (exeunt Zadoc) } } Orrie: All right, let's see... where did I put - (knock, knock) Come in. } } Og: Or-a-kul want see Og? } } Orrie: Here, old friend. Read this. } Time passes as Og struggles with the document. } } Og: Og no see grovel. } } Orrie: Very good, Og. Now, how should I respond to his question? } More time passes. Og's brow furrows; his lips move. Finally... } } Og: Or-a-kul try trick Og. Og no see question. } } Orrie: Exactly, my Neanderthal nabob! Now what I want you to do is take } this very special spiky club...no! watch where you point ...okay, } that's better. Now go to the first cave listed, use the very special } spiky club and then return to Or-a-kul. Understand? } } Og: Og understand. (exeunt Og) } } You owe the Oracle a 10K word essay on the disadvantages of } cross-posting stuff from humor.net/chainletters.puke to the Internet } Oracle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So great Oracle, how do you feel now that Micro$oft has made this > recent deal with Delphi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel like re-installing the computer industry and trying again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How should I use BPCS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       As an acronym for Big Cream Pie Splatter. } }  You owe the Oracle some Brussels sprouts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, before whom Joe from Juno doesn't suck, I ask you to > forgive me for sending mail from a freebie account. Oracle most high, > I come before you as a humble supplicant with the following query: > >      I had this wacky dream about the movie Titanic. When I >      awoke, I jotted some notes on a piece of paper and >      quickly fell back asleep. The next morning (today) the >      only thing I could read was the following question: > > Which cost more, the making of the movie "Titanic" or the making > of the ship "Titanic?" > >      If you have time, a brief cost comparison would be appreciated. > > humbly awaiting your reply

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's have a look: } }                       Titanic, the Ship       |   Titanic, the Movie }                                               | } Total cost in $:      $7.3 Million            |   $200 Million } Total cost in lives:  1500                    |   0 } Total cost in anguish,                        | }   sorrow, fear and                            | }   other indirect                              | }   effects:            1.6 MTears              |   2.1 MTears } } At the current exchange rate for lives, this is getting very close.  In } fact, it might be the tears that decide it... Interesting.  When all is } taken into account, both cost *exactly* the same.  But the ship doesn't } have much of a chance of paying off anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a new handkerchief.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so great, > whose roast is always medium rare, > who never gets salmonella, > whose cakes are always light and fluffy, > > What's your favourite food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, you've hit a vegan incarnation here. Not getting salmonella } is a given, though getting the cakes light and fluffy without eggs } takes a bit of effort, and potato starch. } } > Oh no! now I'm going to get lots of moralizing and comments about tofu } } Yeah, Tofu, 250g in a blender with 30g of melted chocolate. Blend till } smooth and then leave to set in the fridge overnight. } } > Bleargh! Sounds awful. Being vegan may be healthy and all that, but } > give me my meat! } } Come on Supplicant, who needs meat when we have Yves veggie dogs. In a } lightly steamed bun with vegan margarine, tomato sauce and sliced } pickle.  Yum. } } > Pervert! If God didn't intend us to eat meat, why did he give us } > steak knives? What about cheese then? Ha ha, bet you can't do cheese } > then? } } Well, I admit cheese is a bit of a problem, but macaroni in creamy } garlic sauce, topped with crispy grilled noodles. My mouth is } watering already. } } > Boy, with all that garlic, bet you don't have to ZOT anyone, just } > breathe on them. } } Heh heh. But it tastes sooo good. That's your lot supplicant. And, eat } up, there are people starving in Blackpool. } } You owe The Oracle five gallons of hummus and one gross baking potatoes. } } > Typical! At least he didn't mention lentils. } } Lentils!!!! Lentil Curry at Chutney's restaurant! Slaver! } } > I'm resubmitting. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get Og this time. I've got } > a whole side of mammoth in the fridge.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Or-a-kul > Og here. Og hit Og head club, > Og hurt. Gro-vel good. > > Og lis-ten hai-ku > Og like. Want make Og hai-ku! > Og count syll-a-bull > > Count many first line > Second line many also > Third line, count many > > Or-a-kul, head hurt, > Many syll-a-bull, tell Og > How Og make hai-ku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O-ra-kul here. O-ra-kul help Og. Much ea-sy Og make hai-ku. } } O-ra-kul say write first line. Og count one syll-a-bull one fin-ger } left hand.  O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple. } }         Ogwa my Ogwa } } Now, Og do hard bit. Og write sec-ond line. Og write one syll-a-bull } per hole in Og head. Og head many hole, two ear, two eye, two in nose, } one mouth. O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple. } }         Og love Ogwa ve-ry much. } } Last, Og write many line. Og write one syll-a-bul one fin-ger Og } right hand.  O-ra-kul give ex-amp-le. } }         Og not mind bad smell } } Og do like this, Og make many good hai-ku. O-ra-kul say Og have guest. } } Thag here. Thag come get club lend Og. } } Og not bor-row club Thag. Og club all Og club. } } Thag see Thag club. Thag want club now. } } Og club. Og make self, not bor-row Thag. } } CLUB THAG CLUB. THAG SAY CLUB FIT THAG HAND WELL. THAG ANGRY!!!!!!! } THAG PROVE CLUB THAG CLUB!!! } } <THWACK!! BOMP!!! DUN DUN THOK!! CRAGGANG!> } } Og sore. Og write hai-ku help re-lax. } }     Big liz-ard walk by }     Og think big liz-ard much dan-ger Og on-ly hit small an-i-mal like }     Sa-ber-tooth ti-ger } } Og write good hai-ku? O-ra-kul like? } } (sigh) } } Og owe O-ra-kul keep hand a-way small liz-ard. Og put hand near small } liz-ard, hai-ku get much worse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, who has no need for kevlar clothing, and can leap > over paradoxes in a single bound; > > Why aren't cars textured? Don't minute ridges and bumps -increase- > aerodynamics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If this were true, then Edward James Olmos would be the fastest man on } earth. } } You owe the Oracle a Stridex pad.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most educated, could you honor your lowly supplicant with an > answer to this question which most plagues me? A ball is thrown with a > speed of v and an angle of a at a height of h meters. Let g denote > gravity and express your answer (if you wouldn't mind, oh great and > wise Oracle) in terms of v, h, a and g. What is the displacement vector > (in directions i and j, of course) when the ball is at the highest > point of its trajectory? The gradass is coming to get my paper in about > ten minutes so I'd be most indebted for a quick reply!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Math and physics isn't all it's cracked up to be. The Oracle prefers } philosophy, so here is The philosophical analysis of your problem: } } What have we got to work with: The letters v, h, a and g. } An important tool in problems of this nature is substitution, so we } substitute W for V, and so we have W, H, A, and G. } } We can now formulate the problem: } } W - Why are you throwing the ball? } } H - How hard did you throw the ball? } } A - Are you sure it's a good idea to be throwing balls here? } } G - Good grief! Look where you're throwing that ball! } } As for the result of this action, expressed in I and J: } (Expressed by the neighbour, N) } } I - Idiot! Look what you did to my window! } } J - Just you wait! I'll tell your parents about this. } } So, the correct answer to the question is } "I shouldn't be throwing balls at all, lest I risk displacing the } ball into my neighbours living room" } } You owe the Oracle to take a philosophyisics class, so you can answer } these questions yourself in the future. The Oracle does not want to do } your homework.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Immortal Oracle, please hear and reply to my simple question. > >   What attributes did Rasputin have that made him so darn >   death resistant? I would like to be as hard-to-harm myself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was all magic.  Want to know how it was done?  Well, I think there's } a TV show on about it.  Let's take a look. } } *click!* } } NOW!!  FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "THE WORLD'S MOST GRUESOME } RECORDED DEATHS IN HISTORY," "THE GREATEST EXPLOSIONS EVER CAUGHT ON } TAPE," AND "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK XVII: DEADLY ENCOUNTERS WITH LLAMAS," } COMES "WORLD'S GREATEST MAGIC TRICKS AND HOW THEY ARE DONE IX: } RASPUTIN" } } Rasputin...A man who defied death many times.  His magical powers saved } the Tsar-to-be's life several times.  He survived poisoning and getting } shot.  How did he do it?  Let's take a behind-the-facts look at: } } "RASPUTIN DEBUNKED"!!  FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "PLANE CRASHES: } THE MOST FUN TO WATCH DISASTERS" AND "WHEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET GOES } BAD: A LOOK AT THE VARIOUS RECORDED INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE TRIPPING AND } FALLING ONTO 8-INCH SPIKES STUCK INTO THE GROUND"!!!! } } How did Rasputin save Tsar Nicholas II's son from certain death, } several times?  Find out after these messages. } } NEXT TUESDAY, AT 8:00 pm, GET READY FOR "THE GREATEST RECORDED } INCIDENTS OF ATTACKING ANIMALS EXPLODING VIOLENTLY IN PLANE } CRASHES!!!!"  WATCH IT!!!  IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! } } We're back with "Rasputin Debunked," here on Fox, who brings you great } quality shows such as "THE WORST INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THE FOX } NETWORK EXPLODING INTO A MILLION BILLOIN TRILLION PIECES!!!" and } "EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS!!  HOW TO SURVIVE THEM!!!!" } } Rasputin was no more than a power-hungry womanizer.  He } } *BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!* } } "WHEN TV SHOWS GO WRONG"!!!  AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT VARIOUS TV SHOW SETS } THAT HAVE EXPLODED DURING THE RECORDING OF THE SHOW!!!!  AND STAY TUNED } FOR "THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST EXPLODING..." } } *click* } } I think we've heard enough from the old TV, don't you?  Man, those } shows are stupid, don't you think?  They serve no purpose whatso . . . } OH MY GOD!!  LOOK OUT FOR THAT GIANT LLAMA BEHIND YOU!!!!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, > > Why does Hollywood have a huge sign above it stating its name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Blackout.  Focus fade to FAMOUS ACTOR, played by Tom Cruise or, } if he's available, Brad Pitt, lying on the floor.  His clothes are } dissheveled, his hair is mussed and his eyes are bloodshot.  In short, } he looks very hung over.) } } (FAMOUS ACTOR rolls face up, sits up and runs his hands over his face.) } } FAMOUS ACTOR: Ugh.  Where am I? } } (The camera pans around the room.  It is an utterly generic motel } room with no distinguishing characteristics.  There are a couple of } empty vodka bottles on the floor.  The camera rests for a moment on } the window.  The curtains on the window are closed.  Cut to-) } } (Full screen shot of FAMOUS ACTOR.  He stands, stumbles over to the } window and pulls open the curtains.  Cut to-) } } (Wide shot of the famous HOLLYWOOD sign.  Pause for a few moments, } then cut to-) } } (Tight shot of FAMOUS ACTOR's face.) } } FAMOUS ACTOR: Oh.  (Beat)  Now how did I get here? } } You owe the Oracle the script to Oracle: The Motion Picture.