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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vaya con queso, my darling.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look Cheese-head I like the Green Bay Packers too, but } don't over do it. } } Hasta Lasagna, supplicant.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle, you that were there when Mt. Vesuvius erupted; > > What is the next great disaster film going to be after "The > Titanic"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apart from from the obvious - all sequels (Tim Burton's 2nd Batman } excepted), 90% of the rest (made as tax losses, but you can be sure the } video and graveyard shift TV sales get credited to different accounts) } and 99% of porn (sometimes it's *not* fun being omniscient) - here are } a few that caught the all-seeing eye: } } The Bloat People. } }    Cameo appearances by Gates and Groves in an egregious slapstick }    sequence doesn't save it, they're enjoying themselves too much. } } Church of Scientology on Elm Street. } }    Standard alien invasion schlock, the only novelty is you can't }    see'em, hear'em, feel'em, etc. Space vampires who prey on bank }    accounts. From the makers of When Lawyers Roamed The Earth. } } Petty Woman. } }    An all-Starr production that manages the difficult feat of }    exploiting the nominal star. } } Get Boris! } }    Could have been the most gripping thriller ever, but by the time the }    Duma/ Red Army/ Mafia cooperative had finished with it, everyone in }    the theatre was yawning. For once, the sequel is one to watch. } } Carry on Settling! } }    Latest of a series of politically incorrect low farces from Britain. }    Even so, it's hard to see why this one got so much Hollywood }    backing, and why it was left to second-rate actors to improvise. A }    strong performance from an established US star was affordable and }    would have made all the difference. Profoundly anti-semitic, the }    script is even-handed against both jews and arabs. } } And, finally, the supreme turkey - } } The Millenium Bug! } }    They knew it was coming, but they did nothing! } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss chalet with one of those cool cellars with } the foot-thick reinforced-concrete floors, walls, and ceilings. Scenic } outlook over a tax-advantageous landscape preferred.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O meteorological Oracle who not only knows about the mountain of data > produced by the weather services, but can climate: > > Is is true the the equatorial regions are currently being tried in The > Hague for crimes against humidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that whole trial blew over after a flood of new evidence revealed } that the star witness was full of hot air.  Her being isobarred from } the judicial proceedings precipitated her being indicted, and there's } snow telling what will happen to her.  Her sun is appealing the } arrainment, hailing her as an "upright character" and saying that she } will never get a fair trial *now*. } } I could regale you with more of this sordid story, but I think it's all } a front anyway. } } (I.e., weather the trial was worthwhile, or just the outcome of clouded } judgment on the part of the prosecutors, is left as an exercise for the } seeder.) } } You owe the Oracle the foggiest idea of what's going on.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > What is the primum mobile for correct living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, let's see.  My computer science textbook says that a mobile } consists of two branches, and from each branch hangs either a weight or } another mobile.  A mobile is supposed to be balanced, which means both } branches exert the same torque, and all the submobiles are balanced. } So we can start with } }     (define x (make-mobile Descartes Mill)) } } Descartes and Mill were both lightweights, so they will balance.  We } can complete the mobile with } }     (define primum-mobile }       (make-mobile (make-mobile (make-mobile Plato x) }                                 (make-mobile Kant Hegel)) }                    Aristotle)) } } and it looks like this: } }                                                | }                                                | }                             ________________________________________ }                             |                                      | }                             |                                      | }            ________________________________                    Aristotle }            |                              | }            |                              | }    _________________                  __________ }    |               |                  |        | }    |               |                  |        | }  Plato    ____________________       Kant    Hegel }           |                  | }           |                  | }       Descartes            Mill } } Perfectly balanced.  Hope you enjoy correct living. } } You owe the Oracle a non-ontological argument.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whydo i types o baldy whdn I"m drumk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's hard to reach the "home row" from within someone's } esophagus. } } You owe the Oracle an egg salad sandwich

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,ruler of carpathia and emperor of > transilvania i beg your kind selves to answere this simple question > > eversince i read the book on vampires i wanted to become one > it seems they are always lucky and thier cool capes and charms > on women, it really made me serious about it. > > so is there a course i can take or some pills or some kind > of surgery or somthing so i can be a vampire??? > > i have already purchased a cool expensive cape, so please > do not disappoint me sir, > > i wait grovelling at your feet for the salvation to become > a vampire > > sinciely your slave > alucard

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir or Madam, } } It is my regretful duty to inform you that the Oracle is bound by } Universal Contract not to answer questions regarding the Undead. } } If you have any further questions about bloodsucking vampires, please } direct your query to the Internal Revenue Service, at +1 (800) } 343-4688. } } Sincerely, } Bunni Howitzer } Deputy Assistant Secretary to The Oracle } } You owe The Oracle the sum of lines 9, 127, and 42, multiplied by the } GNP and compounded monthly.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle The Great! > Please tell me,  may I go fishing  this weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is my first try at Oracle and English is not my first language, so } I apologize if this is wrong. } } I do not know what `fishing' means.  I guess if `sculpting' is turning } things into sculpture then `fishing' must mean to turn things into } fish. } } I do not think that you should turn everything into fish this weekend. } By next Wednesday all would be quite smelly. } } I think I am to mention Zadoc here too, no? } } You owe the Oracle a Czech-English dictionary which has `fish' as a } verb...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are the apex of all knowledge, your briefest utterance > contains enough wisdom to get a family of four through a harsh winter. > > What is the story behind Pythagorean sects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe it goes something like this: } } Given three people of heights a, b, and c, the best possible menage a } trois occurs when a^2+b^2=c^2. } } You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So I bulk emailed an advertisement.  That's not illegal - I didn't do > anything wrong!  So what's with all these idiots complaining to my ISP > and trying to get my account nuked?  Don't they know anything about > free speach?  I know my rights!  I'll^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@CARRIER LOST > > ======================================================================= > This user's account has been terminated for spamming.  We apologize for > the inconvenience. > abuse@inter.net                   System Administration > =======================================================================

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold On, I was not done Zotting the Luser (Or Larting as you prefer). } Oh, well, I'll just have  to use the Satellite now.  Tee-hee. } } You owe the Oracle a "Final Solution" to spam.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you there, Oracle? It's me, Supplicant. > > The other day, I had a dream. It wasn't any dream - it was a > /frightening/ dream. I dreamt I was in this large room with white, > white, /white/ walls.  And Zadoc was there. And there was a kiddie > pool full of lime jello.  And there were /sheep/. I can't tell you the > rest of the dream, Oracle, cause if my mom saw it, I'd be grounded > for life. Let's just say that I haven't been so freaked out since I > got my period. > > Oracle - you have so much knowledge, and a full dream dictionary, and > you are the greatest super spiffy omniscient (I had to look that word > up.  I think I got it right.) being I know...please, Oracle, please... > > Tell me what that dream means????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  Zadoc!  HOI, ZADOC! } } [Zadoc shuffles in on his knees] } } Zadoc:  You called, O Beacon of Light in This Gre-- Ow! } } O: Eh?  What was that? } } Z: Sorry, Master.  I banged my forehead on this bit of pointy floor }    here. } } O: Yes, well you can file it down later.  First, convene the Priest }    Extraction Unit and go get this supplicant. } } Z: What, another one? } } O: Yup, there's no doubt about it, she's had the Call.  Younger than }    most, but she's definitely dreaming of the inside of the palace. }    The White Room, actually. } } Z: Err, the White Room. Master?  Last night? } } O: I know it's strange.  We haven't used that room in almost 700 }    digests... } } Z: Umm, yes, Master.  Must have been a very boring dream, what with it }    just being an empty room and all.  Why I be-- } } O: Quit babbling, Zadoc, and go get her. } } Z: Yes, Master. } } [Zadoc, obviously distracted, begins to shuffle out] } } O: Oh, and Zadoc? } } Z: Uh, yes?  Master? } } O: Be nice to her.  She'll be young and scared... and I imagine she'll }    be blackmailing you for some time to come. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime of servitude, but there will be perks.