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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, babe, I'm a bit fed up with you at the moment. > > I originally submitted the enclosed supplication on February 5th.  It > is today April 13th, and I have received ten answers to it.  9 of the > answers haven't struck me as funny in the least, and the tenth I only > liked because compared to the other choices, it was marvelous.  Still, > because of my habit (of which I realize some disapprove, but I'm > unconcerned) of resubmitting questions when I receive mediocre (or > worse) answers, this question was in the queue for 55 days (I didn't > always resubmit it immediately).  Presumably, fifty-five incarnations > had a chance to answer it (since it's a rare day when the queue doesn't > clear), and none of them were able to come up with anything worthwhile. > That's singularly pathetic.  Where are those of Richard Wilson's ilk, > who thrive on difficult supplications?  Where are the few--the > proud--the humourous? Why can't I get a decent answer?  I mean, it > isn't that great or clear of a supplication, but STILL! > > Ugh.  Sometimes, you're despicable. > > > Dear Friend: > > > >       "South Padre *again*?" > >       "But I don't *want* to party in Acupulco!" > >       "There's nothing to _do_ in Virginia Beach except stare at the > > babes in the wet t-shirt contests!!" > >       Tired of hearing these kind of complaints?  Sharing these > > thoughts yourself?  Spring Break is approaching once again.  But that > > same old routine is doubtless dragging you down. . .so why not do > > something NEW? And different?  An ADVENTURE, with memories you'll > > cherish for the rest of your life!  All this and more awaits you in > > a SPECIAL, LIMITED-TIME offer which we at the Indiana University > > Travel Centre are offering BY INVITATION ONLY to you and a SELECT > > GROUP of others. > >       For a REAL EXPERIENCE this Spring Break, how does this sound: > > > >             * CHEAP food, travel, and living expenses > >             * Miles and miles of SUNNY BEACHES > >             * MOUNTAINS to climb > >             * A WARM WARM climate > >             * Cities filled with EXOTIC STALINESQUE HOUSING PROJECTS > >             * BREATHTAKING scenery > > > > Yes, we're giving you a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME chance to experience the > > MYRIAD SPLENDORS of UZBEKISTAN!  One can RELAX by the glistening, > > WORLD FAMOUS Aral Sea, or enjoy the WILD nightlife of the capital, > > TASHKENT! Experience the EXCITEMENT of walking on the TAJIKISTAN > > border, or, should a more LAID-BACK mood strike you, FALL IN LOVE > > with the historical richness and FAMED CARPETS of SAMARKAND!  We even > > have HORSES! > >        And YES!, you can experience many of the same pleasures you > > treasure from previous Spring Breaks: crowds, riots (ask about the > > SPECIAL RIOTERS' DISCOUNTS in the charming FERGANA VALLEY), > > unfortunate police raids. . .YOU WON'T MISS A THING!!!  President > > ISLAM KARIMOV personally invites you to COME ON DOWN to the Indiana > > University Travel Centre TODAY and make your reservations for. . . > > > >                     SPRING BREAK IN UZBEKISTAN!!!!!!!!!! > > > > ===================================================================== > > yduzmy@skin.uz(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)www.skin.uz/~yduzmy > > The Uzbek Tourism Board(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)gov.uz/travel/~engl > > =====================================================================

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rats, another disgruntled Supplicant. I wonder what's going on } here? Let me pull his folder and see what kind of answers he has } been getting... } } Here it is, Y. Duzmy, let me just take a look... } } > Feb. 5; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot. } > } > Feb. 7; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot. } > } > Feb. 14; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot. } > } > Feb. 17; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot! } > } > Feb. 18; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot!!! } > } > Feb. 21; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      42 } > } > Feb. 27; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      About a cord an hour. } > } > Apr. 10; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      About a cord and a half an hour. } > } > Apr. 12; Answer by Lisa } > } >      Wow! Sounds like a great place! Do they have any nude } >      beaches, or will I have to wear my topless thong bikini? } > } > Apr. 13; Answer by Zadoc } > } >      Zot. } } So, Supplicant, which was the answer you liked? } } You owe the Oracle a replacement for Zadoc. It looks like his } battery is getting low.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, even more powerful than my history prof, > > I just finished my paper on sexual practices in the court of the later > Tudors.  The problem is, I don't yet have a title.  "Sexual Practices > in the Court of the Later Tudors" just doesn't cut it.  Any > suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How 'bout "Orgy and Bess"? } } You owe the Oracle a word wrap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose watch has a millenium hand, please answer this > mammal's question: > > Who, exactly, might be giants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, They might be giants.  Who's on first. } } You owe the Oracle a soular birdhouse, and I owe Abbot and Costello my } apologies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most cunning linguist, I have a problem with > the Internet Oracle Argot and beg for your assistance... > > What do you call it when you've been inducted into an > Internet Oracle digest, in the noun form? Do you say "I > got my first digestion yesterday"? Or would you say > "Yesterday, I got my first digestation"? Or would > "digesting" be proper, as in "I got my first digesting > yesterday"? > > Please help before I lose all of my language skills!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only correct and acceptable way to proclaim an inclusion in the } digests is as follows: } } Go forth into the street and loudly give this announcement: "Gather } round, brothers and sisters, and hear my mighty thanks and praises! } On this day, the INTERNET ORACLE, the GLORIOUS SAGE, the HOLY giver } of WISDOM and JOY, the SACRED LORD of all that is RIGHT and TRUE, } has looked down from above and seen a question/reply of mine and } saw that it was good! And he told his priests to take my question } and put it in his digest, and I was filled with humble PLEASURE and } enormous THANKFULNESS for the great honour! [Fall to your knees] } O, divine ORACLE, I am FOREVER grateful for your GOOD WILL towards } this your LOWLY servant.  I will GLADLY do your bidding and fetch } you some magnetic boots [or whatever you owe me]. The mere thought } of performing that task fills every fibre in my body with immense } DELIGHT and ECSTASY! [Stand up] Come brother, let me share my } joy by tickling you until you vomit! Come sister, let me show you } my happiness by hugging you all day while I scream 'HALLELUJAH!' } [Run after them if they try to get away from you]" } } You owe The Oracle a postcard from the mental hospital.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Brilliant Oracle > Toast me not with staff of Zot > Answer this query > > Work is so stressful > Today is very sunny > I cannot take it > > Came in late today > Boss was not very happy > I want to go out > > Lunchtime is coming > What food can I eat inside? > I must go outside...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was an engineer, Scott, } Who thought he'd give rhythm a shot. } Though he tried to converse, } In Japanese verse, } All he earned was an Oracular Zot. } } See, the Oracle, he likes to rhyme. } (Seems he does it all of the time.) } But non-rhymed haiku, } Is just simply taboo, } Because it doesn't rhyme, see? } } So, supplicant, take my advice, } For you're skating on very thin ice. } Quickly go and repent, } And then, for next Lent, } Give up all of your curry fried rice. } } You owe the Oracle some genuine Chinese chop suey and a fortune cookie } from the Ming Dynasty.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise amd magnificent Oracle, whose plumage never molts, > whom all the Graces beg to preen - please help me with this > baffling mystery. > > Three full moons ago,(actuallly, the morning after a full moon to be > exact) I found a pink flamingo hanging out in my front yard. Being fond > of flamingoes, I did my best to give hospitality. I got it some > Pepperidge Farm goldfish to eat, put an umbrella swizzlestick in its > drinks dish, and put Jimmy Buffet on the boombox near its nest. > > Two full moon morning afters ago, another pink flamingo appeared, plus > a little gnome looking guy! Still wishing to be a good hostess,I > welcomed the new arrivals and doubled up on the bar snacks and > Margaritas for the birds.  I'd heard somewhere that gnomes are good to > have around; they keep the slugs out of the tomatoes or some such > nonsense. So, I put out some cookies and single malt scotch for the > gnome. > They were good guests for the most part: I'd hear an occasional modest > cranking-up of the boombox during KBRD's Salsa Hour, and now and again > a squeaky rendition of "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen", but pretty > benign on the whole. > > This most recent full moon morning after, it's now *totally* out of > hand. In my yard is a full Bendover family reunion, complete with > lampshades on their you-know-whats.  I got ceramic critters of all > descriptions running amok in my flowerbeds; I got gnomes singing "Knees > Up Mother Brown" at all hours of the day and night,  and terra cotta > Elvises (Elvi?) doing a Viva Las Vegas thing that has got the cops > called on me twice! I asked the bathtub Madonna to intercede for me- > she just smiled sweetly and said I should "offer it up".  What do I do > now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.... } }      What have you done supplicant? } }      It never ceases to amaze me how many supplicants are taken in by }      the old pink flamingo / helpful gnome routine every year. There }      should be a law against things like this happening. } }      OK. I'll explain it to you in nice bite-sized pieces so you won't }      get drawn in next time. } }      How it happens: }      --------------- } }      One flamingo moves in, gets settled and telepathically calls his }      friends. The gnomes use an alpha-wave scanner to read their }      thoughts and follow them in. Next thing the ceramic thingies and }      terracotta Elvi turn up, the Bendover's follow them and you have }      total mayhem in your own backyard. } }      Who? What? Why? }      --------------- } }      Pink flamingoes. A very nice creature, quiet, pretty looking, }      pink. NEVER feed them goldfish, especially ones from Pepperidge }      Farm - they love 'em. Be wary of them. } }      Gnomes. What a pathetic item they are! Cunning too. The fallacy }      that they keep slugs out of the veggie patch was started by them }      for the express purpose of being accepted into polite society by }      unsuspecting persons like yourself. They should be discouraged at }      all costs. Specifically, do not offer them any form of whisky as }      it brings out the worst in them. } }      Bendover family stuff. Say no more. Keep away from at all costs. } }      Elvis and other ceramic things. These just tag along. More on that }      in a minute. } }      Solution. }      --------- } }      Fortunately, this situation is quite easy to rectify. } }      For the flamingoes, give them halibut or dover sole to eat, put }      cherries on cocktail sticks in the drinks bowl and change the }      music to a Michael Bolton medley (during his BIG hair phase). They }      will be gone by next Tuesday, guaranteed. } }      The gnomes require a lateral approach. If they are singing 'Mother }      Brown', 'Roll Out The Barrel or any cockney London stuff a good }      loud blast of a northern England group is ideal. Flavour of the }      month - wether you like them or not - is Oasis, or alternatively }      try some Happy Mondays, Smiths or Stone Roses. In extreme cases }      some folk singing from the Outer Hebredes may be used. } }      Bendover stuff. As Arnie says, 'Uzi 9mm, asshole!'. } }      Terracotta Elvi can be fought with copious playing of albums by }      The Carpenters. Enhance the effects of the music by erecting large }      posters of Karen Carpenter around the place. The inference of }      anorexia is a killer (no pun intended, honest!). } }      Repeat after me, 'Ceramic stuff, meet my large hammer. Large }      hammer, meet the ceramic stuff.' Got that? } }      Simple really. The only thing I don't fully understand is how you }      fell for this scam completely and yet understood the cryptic }      message from the bathtub Madonna to refer the problem to Myself to }      sort out. Unbelievable! } }      You owe the Oracle what's left of the scotch.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail O mighty One! Protector of the faith, fount of wisdom, bright > center of the universe, the sole illumination in this supplicant's drab > existence. > > I'm getting somewhat weary of the caveman-related items in the > Oracularities. Hasn't this been done to death? In fact I'm rapidly > coming too the opinion that Og and company are the Oracular equivalent > of the Spice Girls. Your thoughts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhh! My God, man, if they should hear you... } } *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* } } Oh no! It's too late! The drums have started... } } "When Og feeling, sad and low, } 'Spiky' take Og, where Og want to go. } Og kill one bear, Og kill three, } All Og need is, branch from off a tree... } } Cavemen of World - spike up you club! } Pee-pul of World - spike up you club! } } Uuuuuuuurh... } } Shake club to left, if having good time; } Shake club to right, if do this then feel fine; } Swing club round, HURH, HURH - roo-oo-und..." } } It's been like this for weeks, ever since they figured out how to use } the Karaoke machine. Fortunately they can't remember all the tunes, } but it doesn't seem to stop them. Uh-oh... There they go again... } } "Og tell you what Og want, what Og really really want, } Og tell you what Og want, what Og really really want, } Og wanna... Og wanna... Og wanna... Og wanna... } Og wanna really really really good spiky big club!" } } I think I've figured out the Spice Girls target audience. Still, at } least they haven't discovered Hanson. } } *sigh* } } I think I have to go lie down now. I feel a migraine coming on. } } You owe the Oracle a soundproof basement.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what time of day is most conductive for > romance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This sounds like a question for a specialist in the field.  Oh } Lisa, darling? } } L: {whispered} I have to go now.  {giggle} You too!  Bye! }    {entering room} Yes, Orrie dearest? } } O: What time of the day is most conduct... errrr, conducive }    to romance? } } L: Ooooooh, Orrie!  You animal!  OK, let me change into... } } O: Ahhhh, not just now, love.  I got a question from a }    supplicant about romance, and I thought you could }    provide a more romantic answer. } } L: OK, to what? } } O: The question I asked. } } L:  Did you ask a question? } } O: Yes.  I said "What time of day is most conducive to romance?" } } L: {giggle} Oh, right!  OK, ummmm, let me think. } } O: Don't strain yourself. } } L: I don't mind!  Time... romance... time... romance... }   romance... oooooh, this is getting me all hot.  How }   about now? } } O: Lisa!  This isn't the time for that! } } L: Sure it is!  It's ALWAYS the right time!  Grrrrrrr, come }    to Lisa, you hunka hunka burning love! } } O: Well, I... oh, all right.  I didn't know you could do THAT }    with your hands! } } There you have it, supplicant.  According to my expert } consultants, EVERY time is conducive to romance. } } You owe the Oracle a candlelight dinner.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <metahtml> > <title string><italic>Tell me, <underline>Honorable > Oracle</underline></italic></title string> > <question><font courier size 10 color white>Why > <bold><italic>everyone</italic></bold> of <bold>my friends</bold> claims > me that <underline>my mail</underline> seems to be <underline><bold>too > hard</bold></underline> to read?</question> > </metahtml>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %!PS-Adobe-3.0 } %%DocumentNeededResources: font Courier } %%+ font Courier-Bold } %%Pages: 1 } %%EndComments } %%BeginProlog } /textps 10 dict def textps begin } /L { moveto show } bind def } /PS { /level0 save def } bind def } /PE { level0 restore showpage } bind def } /RE { }       findfont }       dup maxlength dict begin }       { }               1 index /FID ne { def } { pop pop } ifelse }       } forall }       /Encoding exch def }       dup /FontName exch def }       currentdict end definefont pop } } bind def } /ISOLatin1Encoding where{pop}{/ISOLatin1Encoding[ } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/space/exclam/quotedbl } /numbersign/dollar/percent/ampersand/quoteright/parenleft/parenright } /asterisk/plus/comma/hyphen/period/slash/zero/one/two/three/four/five } /six/seven/eight/nine/colon/semicolon/less/equal/greater/question/at/A/B } /C/D/E/F/G/H/I/J/K/L/M/N/O/P/Q/R/S/T/U/V/W/X/Y/Z/bracketleft/backslash } /bracketright/asciicircum/underscore/quoteleft/a/b/c/d/e/f/g/h/i/j/k/l/m } /n/o/p/q/r/s/t/u/v/w/x/y/z/braceleft/bar/braceright/asciitilde/.notdef } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef } /.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/.notdef/dotlessi/grave } /acute/circumflex/tilde/macron/breve/dotaccent/dieresis/.notdef/ring } /cedilla/.notdef/hungarumlaut/ogonek/caron/.notdef/exclamdown/cent } /sterling/currency/yen/brokenbar/section/dieresis/copyright/ordfeminine } /guilsinglleft/logicalnot/hyphen/registered/macron/degree/plusminus } /twosuperior/threesuperior/acute/mu/paragraph/periodcentered/cedilla } /onesuperior/ordmasculine/guilsinglright/onequarter/onehalf } /threequarters/questiondown/Agrave/Aacute/Acircumflex/Atilde/Adieresis } /Aring/AE/Ccedilla/Egrave/Eacute/Ecircumflex/Edieresis/Igrave/Iacute } /Icircumflex/Idieresis/Eth/Ntilde/Ograve/Oacute/Ocircumflex/Otilde } /Odieresis/multiply/Oslash/Ugrave/Uacute/Ucircumflex/Udieresis/Yacute } /Thorn/germandbls/agrave/aacute/acircumflex/atilde/adieresis/aring } /ae/ccedilla/egrave/eacute/ecircumflex/edieresis/igrave/iacute } /icircumflex/idieresis/eth/ntilde/ograve/oacute/ocircumflex/otilde } /odieresis/divide/oslash/ugrave/uacute/ucircumflex/udieresis/yacute } /thorn/ydieresis } ] def}ifelse } end } %%BeginSetup } %%IncludeResource: font Courier } %%IncludeResource: font Courier-Bold } textps begin } /__Courier ISOLatin1Encoding /Courier RE } /R [ /__Courier findfont 10.000000 scalefont /setfont load ] cvx def } /__Courier-Bold ISOLatin1Encoding /Courier-Bold RE } /B [ /__Courier-Bold findfont 10.000000 scalefont /setfont load ] } cvx def } %%EndSetup } %%EndProlog } %%Page: ? 1 } %%BeginPageSetup } PS } %%EndPageSetup } R(Difficult to say.  My mailer managed to handle it } appropriately...)18 784 L } (Maybe your friends have inadequate mailers.)18 772 L } (You owe the Oracle a utility to turn postscript back into ASCII } text.)18 748 L } PE } %%Trailer } end } %%Pages: 1

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou whose very cell walls can stand thousands of > kilograms of pressure without bursting, please hear this measy > question. > > Oracle, I and a few of the other amoebas are thinking of sorting > joining together and forming a co-operative organism sort of thing. > Joe, Mary, and I think it's a good idea, while Patricia, Helen, and > Jack think it's a lousy idea. What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, I'd think again if I were you.  This multicellular } business isn't all it's cracked up to be. } } I mean, sure, at first it's all "All cells are equal" and "To each } according to it's needs, from each according to its ability" and } "pseudopods good, flagella bad" and everyone's living in a Eukaryote's } Paradise. } } But it'll only be a little while before evolution kicks in and sex } enters the picture and all of a sudden you're working for a bunch of } stuck-up cells with only half the right number of chromosomes.  From } then it's all "All cells are equal, but some cells are more equal to } others" and "pseudpods good, flagella better" and jackbooted white } cells "protecting" you from "infection" by foreign bodies, but don't } even think of speaking out or you'll be labelled "cancerous" and } that'll be the last anyone hears of you. } } And don't even get me started about what happens if you evolve a } brain... I mean really, the nerve some cells have... } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of primordial soup.