|
} [After digestification, it was discovered this answer is derived from
} Dave Barry's "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program". Our
} apologies to Mr Barry. --ed]
}
} 81FF, DO0D! C|-|3c|< T|-|is 0|_|t!
}
} Installing Your Instant HTML and Web-Page Translation Software:
} A 12-Step Program
}
} 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
} box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run
} the software. It should look something like this:
}
} SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
} 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
} 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
} 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
} 3546 MB RAM
} 432323 MB ROM
} 05948737 MB RPM
} ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
} 2 TURTLE DOVES
} NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
}
} 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
} contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
} trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.
}
} 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
} 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
} envelope that says:
}
} LICENSING AGREEMENT:
} By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
} the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
} reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
} Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Fluffy
} White Sheep and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary,
} as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate,
} including the right to come to the user's home and examine the
} user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we
} feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation
} indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers,
} losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget
} to tip your servers.
}
} 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
} child), please install this on my computer."
}
} 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
} appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
}
} 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
}
} 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
}
} 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
} which the following message should appear on your screen:
}
} The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
} what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
} with you? Choose one, and be honest:
}
} +---------+ +-----------+
} | YES | | SURE |
} +---------+ +-----------+
}
} 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
} whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
} who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
} alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
} computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such
} as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program
} will create many new directories, sub-directories,
} sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with
} thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
} "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
}
} 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
} display the following message:
}
} CONGRATULATIONS
}
} The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
} your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
} your software.
}
} If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
} shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
} you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
}
} 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
} than the federal government, refusing to respond even when
} struck with furniture.
}
} 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
} the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
} will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to
} adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
}
} And so that's the easy way to install your HTML and Web-Page Translation
} Software...
}
} <Debt Load>
} You owe the Oracle the new Victoria's Secret catalogue on CD-ROM. a
} plate of Krispie Treats ...and a twelve-year-old.
} </Debt Load>
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