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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows we are, each of us, angles with only > one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other, please tell, > how do you envision or future? > > After all, we are approaching the end of the millenium faster than > anyone could imagine, and I don't mean to be fatalist here, I just > though that, like Nostradamus before you, you could perhaps see in > our future. The immediate as well as the more distant...so let me > repeat my query Oh Magnificent One, how do you see our future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, I have to disagree with your whole cosmological } view there, being, as you mentioned, the Oracle. If each of us were } angles with only one "wing," that would make us straight lines, and } thoroughly incapable of flight. } } As far as the future... well, being omnipotent, I see the future as a } small, dimpled sphere, much like a large orange, or a small grapefruit. } However, this is probably of little help to you, being fixed in linear } time as you are, and having no capacity to view the future directly. It } seems that even within your own limited scope of time, you are somewhat } confused. Nostradamus before me, indeed. Where do you think he was } getting his stuff from, anyway? Freaking tea leaves? } } <Sigh>... I suppose like every one else in your timeframe, you are more } interested in specific "future" events, thinking that this knowledge } will actually help you in some way. Well, it won't. But here you go: } have a blast, pretend you have some control over your future. It'll be } amusing for me to watch. } } -- New Year's Eve at the dawn of the year 2000 will be a great } disappointment. After building it up for months, you will arrive at the } stroke of midnight drunk and confused, like every year. You may get } lucky, but she'll be faking it. } } -- In 2008, the Internet will be accessible from 78% of homes } worldwide, causing global intelligence to plummet precipitously. The } most popular Halloween costume will be the :). } } -- By the year 2016, there will be more Starbucks Coffee franchises } than places of worship in the United States. Hundreds of infants will } be sacrificed nationwide to Latte, Goddess of Valdez. } } -- The members of the Rolling Stones will pass away within weeks of } each other in the year 2021, except for Keith Richards, who, it will be } revealed, died in 1987. } } -- By the year 2042, life will precisely resemble the world in the } chilling George Lucas vision of the future, "THX 1138," with one } difference: everyone will have more hair. } } Oh, and buy Lucent Technologies (NASDAQ: LU). } } You owe the Oracle the director's cut of "THX 1138" on DVD, and a tall } decaf skim no-foam mocha.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are like the icing on a cake of enormous proportions > that has with in it an wondrous surprise, a cake covered with > 7,734 candles and topped w/ a likeness of Mahad Prasad Varma. > > What type of yogi did Yogi Bear and Booboo practice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bas Ket Fil Ching. } } You owe the Oracle a ranger popping out of a cake for Lisa's } birthday party.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> about the Naked Dancing Llama

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A coded transmission! Little does the Oracle know, but the } International Not-Nice People's Antiliberation Army has been using his } services as an underground mail drop for years! Commisar Claptup must } be ready for the attack! Now to decode it... } } BEHOLD LINDEN. ATTACK MANAGUA. } } Aha! The Phillipine regiment is to watch reruns of Barney Miller } tonight to get the attack plan cleverly hidden in the } closed-captioning. } } BALKAN AGENDA - LUNATIC METHOD } } The former Yugoslavia will be the target of the Monster Raving Looney } division, who will attack with tainted pickles with jockstraps on } their heads. } } BADLAND MANIAC TAKETH LOUNGE } } Our North Dakota operative will sieze hostages during the next Tom Jones } show at the Tropicana. } } ITHACA-OAKLAND TANDEM BUNGLE } } Damn! The Upstate New York to East Bay Bicycle-Built-For-Two Corps has } failed! } } DAKOTA - LABIAL HANDGUN CEMENT } } The Women's Auxillary will sieze the seats of government in the Dakotas } by smuggling weapons into public buildings by gluing them inside } their...*blush* } } LOCATE NANKING TAMALE BUDDHA } } We are to seek out a wise Chinese man who has made a killing selling } Mexican fast food. } } ANABEL - GENIAL MUTANT HADDOCK } } We shall win over the age 3-9 demographic with a children's program } featuring a friendly, walking, talking fish. } } BAGHDAD CANNOT TALKIE MANUEL } } Hmmm...it seems our Iraqui office has lost contact with our operative } in Mexico City. } } ANNUAL KEDDAH GENITAL COMBAT } } Time to rile up the prisoners in the stockade for the Penis Fights! } } Hah hah! The time is near! Soon, niceness and adequacy will be } vanquished everywhere!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most atomically awesome Oracle, what is India going to do with > nuclear weapons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make a REALLY hot curry. } } You owe the oracle some industrial strength toilet paper

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most well-traveled Oracle, > you are more eternal than Rome, > you are more peaceful than all of La Paz, > you are better than that awful tower in Paris, > you have a bigger clock than the one in London, > you hang more out than all of the men in Bangkok, > you have more rasta than a fair in Kingston, > you have more pickles than New Delhi, > you have seen a koala and Beirut, > you can pronounce Tegucigalpa, > you are the funk-master of Seoul, > you are a better being than Lima. > > Any suggestions for off-the-beaten-path travel > destinations for this summer? > > Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Nice Grovel supplicant! As a matter of fact Lisa and I have } just been thinking about where to go for our next vacation, but we've } been pretty much everywhere. Indonesia is always nice: the temples of } Borabadour, Prambanan, as well as the jungles and animals and the } diving. Australia is nice too, but then that really is the problem } isn't it? I mean they are nice, safe, structured holidays which are fit } for your grandmother's 90 year old nurse. People like us supplicant, we } need adventure in our lives. We need a vacation that excites the } senses, but is cost effective and not too time consuming. Well, you've } come to the right place, do I have the vacation for you! } }         I was scanning the net the other day when I ran across a a } vacation service that would be perfect for you so I've signed you up. } Here is the brochure: } }                                 BORED OF THE HUMDRUM? } }                                         TIRED OF THE EVERYDAY? } }           ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE KIND OF LIFE THAT YOU'VE ONLY READ }           ABOUT? } } Exciting locales, beautiful women, danger, romance . . . You've read } about them; now experience the life of James Bond first hand. } } This isn't just another vacation where you arrive at a location and if } you don't like it then you're stuck there. } }                 NO THIS VACATION COMES RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!!!!! } } All of the adventure of a James Bond novel will be yours when two men } show up at your apartment and try to kill you. Mikael and Costia, who } were recently made redundant at the KGB, will come and give you a first } hand experience of a professional cold war killing. } }         For ten days and eleven nights they will hunt you like a dog } just like in the popular James Bond novels. } }         Some testimonials from our satisfied clients: } } Tony of Pittsburgh . . . They blew a hole in my door with some kind of } plastic                 explosive and then "softened up the room" as a } get to know me. They left a nice         fruit basket. } } Thomas of New York . . . I spent twenty days in a sewer. } } Alan of Syracuse . . . I was lucky that they used a mercury sensor on } the car bomb. It         left me just enough time to jump for my life, } but my Reliant K wasn't so lucky.         I still haven't been able to } get a new car. } } Martha of San Francisco (widow of Robert). . . His cell phone just } exploded. } } Bill of Philadelphia . . . They were sitting on my futon petting my } cats when I came           home from work. They said that they knew } where my mother lived and that it             would be the end of her } if I didn't go to work for them. Then they gave me a } complimentary bottle of champagne. } } Robert of Chicago . . . There was a poison mint on my pillow every } night. } }         WE SUPPLY THE DANGER . . . YOU FIND THE CAR, THE GIRLS, THE } SCENIC VISTAS } } All this can be yours for only $15,000 wired to a secure account in the } Cayman Islands. Check out our group rates and terrorists activities. } }                                                 Inquiries Should be }                                                 posted in the }                                                 personals of the New }                                                 York Times under the }                                                 name Bootsy. } } Sounds great doesn't it!!! They'll be by your place any day now so you } had best get on the waiting list for your Walther PPK. } }        I would have loved to have joined you, but Lisa insisted on } going to the Nude beaches in the South of France again this year. Drop } me a post card if you live long enough! } }                        Glad that I could be of help!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise; > > How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one but the next five thousend supplicants will all make in-jokes } about it. } } You owe the oracle a promise that this joke ends here

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise! I need your help! > > I am sitting here in the dark, scared to death.  A hour or so ago I was > awakened by a noise in the hallway. I got up, an aluminum bat in hand, > then something flew into my face and I gave it a mighty WHACK! with the > bat. I turned on the lights. There at my feet laid the body of a most > beautiful, tiny, winged humanoid creature.  In each hand it clutched a > small leather bag. One of the bags contains a large number of what > appear to be the teeth of human children. The other bag is the one that > scares me though. In it was a coin. I took the coin out. Then I looked > in the bag, and there was another coin in it! I took that one out, > checked to see the bag was empty, then dropped it to the floor. It > clanged. It had another coin in it! It can not be emptied!! > > Something is not right. I do not want the accursed coins. I sense that > keeping the coins or the bags is Not A Good Idea... and there's still > the matter of this dead, this dead -thing- in the hallway. > > Oracle, help me! What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As is often the case in these situations, you have no choice now but to } accept the curse that you have brought upon yourself by your brash } actions. You see, you've killed the Couch Fairy and now someone has to } take her place; that someone being you. } } The Couch Fairy flies around the digging the coins out from under } people's sofa cushions which she keeps in her bottomless coin bag and } placing teeth under their refrigerator.  Her ancestry is rather cloudy, } it being generally assumed that she is one of the Toll House Elves who } inhaled a little too much BHT from her cousin's Ernie's cookie factory } one day and got this bug in her head about spare change. Nobody's quite } sure about the tooth angle, but it should be obvious where she gets } 'em.  (My personal opinion is that the Tooth Fairy needed something to } do with all those teeth and took advantage of an opportunity.) } } She's closely related to the Toll House Toll Booth Fairy who collects } all the change from the little baskets on toll roads and leaves those } brownish black spots on your driveway. } } Your metamorphosis will begin in a few more hours and may take several } days. You'll first start digging through your pockets and looking in } the bottom of the washing machine, then probably checking the floor of } your car.  Try to stay away from pay phones and snack machines in } public locations until the change has finished or you might be in for } some embarrassment. Once you start pulling the cushions of your sofa } off and digging through the weird hairy gunk underneath for dimes and } quarters, you will know it will be complete. } } You owe the Oracle a visit from Sandy Claws to come clean the litter } box and the Ether Bunny because he can't sleep tonight.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Version: 3.12 > GM/CS d-(+) s-:- a- C++ UBS>++ P+(--) L E--- W++ N++ o+ K w--- !O M+ > !V PS++ PE- Y+ PGP t+ 5 X R(+++) !tv b+++ DI++ D G e++++ h r-- z?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Geek code is old hat. Here's a code for supplicants. . . } }      _________________________________________________________________ }                        Supplicant Code version .01 }      ----------------------------------------------------------------- } }   g: groveling } }         g++     My grovels are original and relate to the question }                 in a witty manner. }         g+      I take classic grovels from The Bible or Literature }               and adapt them to my needs. }         g       I use "Oracle Most Wise;" }         g-      I use "dear oracle" }         g--     My grovels are long winded and pointless. }         g---    Typos make my grovels indecipherable. }         g----   I steal grovels from askmes } }         g?      What's a grovel? }         !g      No groveling for me. }         -g+     I say thank you, but don't grovel. } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   Q: Questions } }         Q+++    My questions are open ended, yet funny in and of }                 themselves, answers are rarely as funny as my }               questions. }         Q++     My questions are witty and tickle the intellect. }         Q+      My questions are about UNIX or classic Lit. }         Q       I ask questions about my own life problems. }         Q-      I ask questions I know the answers to already. }         Q--     I send in Steve Wright jokes as questions. }         Q---    I send the Oracle hate mail. }         Q----   I ask variations of the w..dch..k question. } }         !Q      I send in odd statements, I don't like questions. }         Q?      I ask about Oracle software. }         Q*      I send in long lists of questions. }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   F: Formatting skills } }         F+++    I use impeccable grammar and spelling and understand }               all USENET rules, written and unwritten. I know }               when to use a space and when to use a tab. }         F++     I often proofread my work before sending it. }         F+      I use spell check. }         F       I can understand what I meant to say. }         F-      You can almost always tell what language I am using. }         F--     I have no clue as to when to use the ENTER key, }               nor have I ever heard of a spell check. }         F---    I use MIME } }         !F      I use free-form arty typing methods. }         F?      Format? Doesn't everyone use WORD? } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   og: og Stance } }         og++++  Og cracks me up! I send questions from Og. }         og+++   I find Og amusing. I send in questions about Og. }         og++    I see the usefulness of Og as another foil. }         og+     Og can make me smile. }         og      I have read of Og in a digest. }         og-     I do not care for Og. }         og--    I find Og boring. }         og---   I skip over questions or digests that mention Og. }         og----  I will flame you if you mention Og. } }         !og     I have never heard of Og. }         og?     Who is Og? }          OG     I am Og. } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   Z: Zotting } }       Number of times you have been zotted. } }         Z+++    600 and up }         Z++     500-599 }         Z+      400-499 }         Z       300-399 }         Z-      200-299 }         Z--     100-199 }         Z---    90 and under }         Z?      Zot? }         !Z      Never been zotted. } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   rh: rhodness } }        rh---    I don't read rhod. }        rh--     I once read rhod. }        rh-      I rarely read rhod. }        rh       I read some of rhod, but the endless cascades and }                 whining are too boring to keep up with. }        rh+      I think rhod is neato. }        rh++     I think cascades are a form of art. }        rh+++    If my lame .sig is isn't in it, it ain't a cascade yet. } }        !rh      rhod may have been funny once, but I doubt it. }        rh?      rhod? }        rh*      I can never keep track of what froup I'm in anyway. } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   eq: general etiquette } }       eq+++    I send in questions daily and skip answering questions }              if I have nothing funny to say. }       eq++     I answer questions if I understand them completely. }       eq+      I try to answer questions well. }       eq       I respect the person asking the question. }       eq-      I answer no matter what, length is very important, as }              is mentioning Lisa and Zadoc and Bill Gates constantly. }       eq--     Hey, one line answers are the funniest ones! I always }              laugh as I type them! }       eq---    I drain queues for sport. } }       !eq      F**K Y*U! I thinking trolling or typing one word over }              and again and again is funny. }       eq?      Whatdaya mean there's a human reading on the other end? } }      _________________________________________________________________ } }   D: Digested } }         Number of times you have been Digested. } }         D+++    4 or more }         D++     3 }         D+      2 }         D       1 }         D-      0 }         D--     I had one removed, once it was found out I stole }               copy-written material to use as my own. } }         D?      Digest? }         !D      Got nasty note from Priest saying I would never }               ever be digested. }         D*      Got in a Best of!!! } }      _________________________________________________________________ } } You owe the Oracle a time delayed code capsule.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the lost and found desk? I seem to have misplaced my > purpose and goals, and while looking for them I stumbled across > these wild ideals that, quite frankly, -are not mine-.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         IO "Bite me ! } }         Oh wait ... sorry that's the response to complaints. } }         You've lost your ambition and acquired someone else's ideals. } Right, Lost and Found. Standard procedure is to check the log of turned } in objects <opening shoe box beneath desk we see: 1) a left vulcan ear } 2) a very dirty fuzzy bunny slipper 3) a prostetic leg. OK, I don't see } any purpose and goals. Actually, it would be highly unusual to get any } purpose and goals in here anyway. That isn't to say that people don't } lose things like that in the Oracular Hall, it's just that the people } who enter the Hall usually don't have any purpose or goals to begin } with. They're usually wandering aimlessly through cyberspace looking } for a good time and trying to forget the lives that they've left } behind. It's far more likely that your purpose and goals were stolen by } someone else. Didn't the State Department warn you about entering the } Oracular Hall with any intellectual property what so ever? } }         OK, can you identify the purpose and the goals that you lost?" } }         S  "Yes, I wanted to find a girl, marry, settle down into a } nice desk job, have a couple of kids, that sort of thing." } }         IO "Boy, you're lucky that you're still alive. I've seen people } killed here for working the graveyard shift at Dennys and learning all } the chords to Stairway to Heaven. The priests are really pathetic } desperate people. Well, all I can do is file a Missing Life Report, but } don't get your hopes up. It's highly likely that by now your goals have } been taken to a chop shop, broken into their constituent pieces and } sold on the Oracular black market.  What about the found ideals? What } do they look like?" } }         S  "The Ideals consist of beliefs in the kindness of the human } soul, honesty, truth, beauty and love. They were covered with dust, } behind a desk, inside a heating grate, next to a right vulcan ear, in } the offices of the Oracular lawyers, Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe." } }         IO  "Yes, many people lose their ideals after meeting the } Oracular lawyers, that's why we hired them. Are you sure that these } ideals are not yours? Sometimes it is difficult to recognize one's own } ideals after having lost them." } }         S  "No, I'm sure that they are not mine. I was raised in the } suburbs. I never had any ideals." } }         IO "OK. Well, it's highly probable that whoever lost their } ideals will be coming back to the Oracular Hall, but I don't know if } they would want them back.  Perhaps, you would like to keep them?" } }         S  "No, thank you. I don't think that I would know what to do } with ideals. My purposes and goals have placed me on a path of } backstabbing and double dealing that if I showed any ideals now would } lead to terrible reprisals. I don't know what to do." } }         IO "Yes, that happens when you don't have any purpose or goals. } I've seen this before. People who were once productive members of } society come to my desk without any ambition and no scruples going in } circles with no direction. Fill out this form; you start Thursday." } }         S  "Start what on Thursday?" } }         IO "Your new job as Oracular priest. This is how I recruited } all of my priests, Welcome to the team."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fantastically spiffy, zesty, charming and heroic Oracle of the > Internet... May your praises resound through the vast packet-switched > wide-area-network which spans the globe! > May your likeness be carved in excruciating detail in large marble > slabs and placed in monuments worldwide for all to see and bask in the > warming glow of your infinite glory! > May the wind be calmed and the mountains bow down in respect to your > power of limitless vision! > May the world be a shelter of peace and happiness under the guidance of > your mighty hand, unless, of course, you prefer mayham and chaos in > which case may mass rioting and catastrophies errupt in your name! > > I, your most sickly and worthless supplicant, and a co-worker of mine, > who is also not fit to smell your toe-jam, have but a single burning > question.. > > Why is it, oh Large One, that, in the parking-lot of our worksite, > there do sit two solitary park-benches, both facing a GARBAGE CAN? > > Oh mighty destroyer of woodchucks and zotter of the feable, please > grace us with the wisdom of your perceptive sight!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good grovel! Ooh, I enjoyed that one................. } I REALLY enjoyed that one, ooh, yeah...............so much, in fact, } that I think I'll actually give you a straight answer for once, instead } of dodging the question by taking one single word of it out of context } and basing an extended weak pun on the deliberate misinterpretation } of ambiguous semantics with - in the words of the BBC voiceover man } before EVERY SINGLE new sitcom - "hilarious consequences". Or } simply taking the **** out of the style in which your question was } asked, } imitating your flow, lexicon, and sentence construction in an } infuriating } or just downright turgid torrent of tedious parody. Or falling back on } the } good old stand-bys which suffice when I just really can't be arsed to } think up something witty, such as ZOT and w**d***cks. } Yes, I think you've impressed me so much with that excellent grovel, } supplicant, that I really will actually treat you to a slice of my } infinite } intellect, my wondrous wisdom, my omniscient Oracular wit, without } even buggering off on holiday and getting Zadoc, Og or Kendai to } answer the question instead while me and Lisa sup sumptous heady } exotic liquers under a sun-washed fountain on far-away shores in the } Zeta Reticuli system, getting the galaxy's ONLY non-carcinogenic tan, } and thoroughly disproving Shakespeare's assertion about alcohol (you } know, the one about "taking away the performance" ? Will, m'boy, you } obviously never had a Reticulan Red-Face Wrangle-Raising Root Beer!) } leaving you to fume at your monitor when a smug sarcastic semi-literate } sneer is the response to your heartfelt plea for help. } Yes, just this once, I really WILL answer your question, supplicant, } without } even ranting on for pages about inconsequential irrelevancies in the } vain } hope that by the time you get to the bottom, you'll have completely and } utterly forgotten about your question and...oh bugger, I've run out of } spa....