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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Command: N > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: North > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: Go North > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: See the little building thataway? Move closer > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: Exits > > There is a building to the north > > Command: Go Building > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: Go Building North > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: Go North Building > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it > > Command: Listen you worthless sack of sh*t, you have two choices - let > me move north, or meet Mr. Electromagnet. Either there is a building > there, or there isn't. Now, do you want me to slap your CPU in the > microwave for a few hours, or what? > > I'm sorry, I don't understand that command - please rephrase it

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle@temple.cs:~ 12:47am > su } Password: } # cat > ~username/.cshrc } set prompt = "I'm sorry I don't understand that command - please } rephrase it\n\nCommand:" } # exit } oracle@temple.cs:~ 12:48am > exit } } Heh heh heh.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, whose nose is a model for rhinoplasty surgeons > everywhere, please tell me... > > ...you know those "premium" orange juices that say "not from > concentrate" on the carton?  Well, it struck me that this was a > meaningless phrase.  Telling us how the orange juice _isn't_ made > doesn't go very far in terms of explaining how it _is_ made.  I mean, > they might as well say "not made from grinding up particle board and > mixing the residue with live bees"; it's technically true but > unhelpful.  So how _do_ they make the premium orange juices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Every spring in the orange vineyards of Shangri-La specially trained } Passenger Pigeons puck the ripe, delicate fruits and deposit them in } flaxen baskets carries by nubile virgins imported from the heart of } Africa. These baskets are emptied into zebrawood tubs where they are } carefully stomped by small, Buddhist eunuchs. The resulting slurry is } poured through Calvin Klein's silk boxer shorts to seperate out the } juice, which is poured into teak casks and locked away. As always, the } rich OJ is defended by Johnnie Cochrane. Once there, it is aged for 7 } years, 7 months, and 7 days so it can acquire its full flavor. It is } then Pasteurized, packaged, and delivered to your local store. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how virgin olive oil is made.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's home has made the cover of Architectural Delightest, > who's personal habits are impeccable, who employs a team of lackeys to > sort his socks into the proper bin: > > I'm not much of a housekeeper.  Can you give me a few simple > suggestions which might lead to the appearance of tidiness in dealing > unexpectedly with uninvited guests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant! Haven't you been paying attention all these years?? } Alright, I'll go over it again. } } To avoid unsightly dirt and carpet wear and tear, install pieces of } plastic track on all your carpeting.  Ah, what the heck.  Install it } on your linoleum too. } } To avoid ruining your couch from unsightly stains, keep the plastic } covering from the factory on it forever.  Place towels on the plastic } to (1) prevent thigh stickage and (2) prevent the wear and tear of } your plastic. } } To keep your "wood" siding on your walls looking brand-new, prevent } kids from coloring on it by spraying a nice big can of Raid along the } bottom 4 feet every 2 weeks.  Avoid touching it while drying. } } From time to time, go outside with the hose and wash off the sides of } your trailer.  This should remove all caked on dirt and pesky bug } corpses.  Be sure to spray down your windows real good. } } Try to keep your Hide-A-Way Roll-a-Bed in the closet at all times.  If } you have no closet space, at least make sure it's made up. } } And last but not least, make sure there are no visible corpses. } } You owe the Oracle the fresh scent of Pine-Sol.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle most wise; > >   This was in one of the best of USENET groups: > > > The concept of adding scent to the architectural design process has > > just begun to develop over the last few years. Currently hundreds of > > environmental aroma systems are operating in casinos, resorts, retail > > stores and office buildings > >    The mind boggles. What will Post Offices smell like? Banks? >    Barber shops? Pawn shops? Will there be one smell standard for >    all like businesses, so say all TV repair stores smell the same? >    Or will be a regional thing, all buildings in Seattle smell of one >    scent all buildings in Detroit of another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microsoft will be the leader in smell OS.  In fact, that will be the } name of the software.  SmellOS[number] (I leave off the year to prevent } you from worrying).  This will enable specially equipped machines to } smell as bad as we've all suspected.  Buildings will have there own } distinct stink thanks to Microsoft.  The MS-HQ will not use this } product, because it already has this distinct aroma. } } You owe the Oracle a gas mask.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise; > > Who invented the anal thermometer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was invented by Galileo Galilei's neat-freak brother, Percy Galilei. } Percy didn't care for Galileo's liquid thermometer, saying it "could } break" and "spill colored liquids all over the papers on my desk, which } I just straightened up, not that you'd ever notice, you slob".  It was } through the use of his anal thermometer that the medical community } discovered that the normal human body temperature is not _exactly_ } 98.6, but is, in fact 98.6000010315702144 (approximately). } } You owe the Oracle a new Mercury.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose name strikes terror in the hearts of young woodchucks, > whose fearsome features frighten furries far away, please tell me: > What's in a name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having a name is very important for items in our day to day life. } If material things did not have names, it would be very difficult to, } for example, ask for condoms at the chemist. } } You would go into the chemist shop, walk up to the counter and ask } for a packet of things. } } "What type of things?', would ask the assistant. } "You know, those things which you put on your thing when you want to } do the thing" } "What thing?" } "THE thing!" } "Oh, THE thing. Right what type of things? coloured things? Ribbed } things? luminous things? Flavoured things?....." } "Yes, yes. The flavoured things. That's what I want." } "Ok, what flavour?" } "Thing flavour"..... } and so on.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who has the best net connectivity on any deity, major > or minor: > > I keep hearing about the tobacco mosaic virus - is this an evil plot > by cigarette manufacturers to bring down the web, and if so, what is > the best browser to use to avoid any ill-effects?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplecant, you have it all wrong...the tobacco-mosaic virus is just } what it's name suggests.  It's not a computer virus, but rather a } virus developed by anti-smokers who are going to unleash it on tobacco } crops everywhere at exactly 12:01 am on June 17, 1998.  The virus } was developed, as I said by anti-smokers, most of whom are really } big into the world-wide web and surfing it, however these are all } cast-outs from the crew that originally developed the Mosaic browser. } So, they decided that instead of it killing the tobacco, the virus } would change the tobacco.  No longer will smokers be addicted to } nicatene...now they will be addicted to the Mosaic browser. } } They will have to browse the web with it at least once a day at first. } Their symptoms will get progressively worse as time goes on.  Soon, } they will be browsing 6 times a day...then 12 times a day, then it's } a full days obsession!  MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!  People everywhere will be } hooked on surfing the web.  Oh yeah, you know I am going to start } getting more supplecants soon, oh yes, I will.... } } Once the addiction sets in, they will no long enjoy smoking (that's } the other part of the addiction, by the way).  The Tobacco-Mosaic } Virus will destroy all other addictions in the person, making it so } that they will never want to get away from the computer.  Already, } Microsoft CEO has said this of the Virus: "It's a good idea...I just } wish I had thought of it before all of this came about with Windows } 98 and my MSN project.  But, they didn't trademark the virus, so I } might be releasing Cocaine-Windows pills sometime in the near future". } } President Clinton remarked, "Wow, I might be able to get people to } stop worrying about my affairs..." and would say nothing further. } } You owe the Oracle a pound of prevention ... or just a ton of cure...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and wonderous oracle > > why shouldnt you try to fix it if its not broke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must learn patience, my son. Sooner or later, Micro$oft will buy } it: then it will be broke, and you can fix it. } } You owe the Oracle a proposal to the ISO that oranges be standardised, } and shares in an orchard so I can make some money when M$ buys it out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie when do you plan on opening a Temple here in Alabama?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ye Gods, what is it with the supplicants today? } } If we take a closer look at this supplicant's question, we will notice } several things wrong: } } > Hey Orrie when do you plan on opening a Temple here in Alabama? } } (1)(2)(3)   (4)                 (5)              (6) } } (1) No grovel. } (2) Use of the informal and inappropriate to an omniscient being "Hey" }     as greeting. } (3) Use of diminutive "Orrie" (see (2)). } (4) Use of "when" implies intent, as well as temporal location. } (5) Phrasing suggests that the consecration of a site dedicate to }     Myself is as common as the opening of a McDonald's. } (6) Supplicant admits to living in Alabama. } } That's 6 glaring errors in only 13 words.  (And I'm tempted to count } (1) as several points against.)  I've seen worse, but I have seen much } much better.  Unfortunately, that still only gives you a cumulative } score of 0.46, less than the 0.5 required by my contract to avoid } summary ZOT-ing, but since you were close, I'll give you the chance to } duck.  Not that it'll do you any good. } } You owe the Oracle a dustpan to collect your charred remains.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who has all of the crackz, codez and warez, please > tell me... > > I've won every computer game I know of, and people keep telling me I > should try something called "Real Life."  They say it has great 3D and > real-time interaction with the characters.  Tell me, oh brilliant > Oracle, where can I get a copy of "Real Life?"  And are there any cheat > codes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant. Rumors of an interactive "Real Life" are not without } a basis in fact. } } In fact, you've probably seen others playing this game when you } ventured out of your dingy abode for food or warez. Those were not } avatars wandering the malls and pizza joints. With the exception of } the characters in Starbucks, many of the "people" you've seen actually } *have* a life. A Real Life. } } Unfortunately, there is no "winning" in Real Life. You may fall prey } to Yet Another Stupid Death (and will likely encounter many Funny } Messages), but only two people have reportedly ascended to demigodhood, } and (as it turns out) neither actually *had* the amulet. } } Everyone else dies. Even you. And it's permanent. No exceptions } (except me). } } Some say it's possible to win before dying -- you may have heard "He } Who Dies With the Most Toys Wins." This is a fallacy ... toys or no, } everyone still dies. And there's no "save" feature (although some } people will tell you they've been saved), much less a restore function. } } There's no need for cheat codes in Real Life. Each player gets to } make up the rules as they play. Some people agree to play by an } ever-shifting, highly variable set of "general rules" (some people } call them 'Commandments'), but no player is truly bound by any } rules whatsoever.  As in the games you've played, some actions have } adverse consequences, but even those can be avoided by skillful or } lucky players. Or those with good lawyers (Right, O.J.?) } } Real Life can be as addicting as Nethack, as gory as Doom, } as graphically rich as Riven. It can also be as exciting as Pong. } You may already have a demo version of Real Life. Turn off your } computer and find out. } } Odds are, you'll return to your warez soon anyway. } } You owe the Oracle the source code to Real Life.