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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the highest place in the world is only 8 foot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You misheard. The highest PERSON in the world HAS only 8 foot... } } ] } ] Msg From ROOT on TTY01: } ] } ] Stop fucking around with that oracle shit and get back to work. } ] } } You owe the Oracle a new Super User.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, for many a moon I have had been pondering a subject that > has had myself and my flatmates boggled and quite worried, namely, in > light of the many Purity Tests that exist in the world, we want to know > what the most vile, perverted, disgusting, twisted, and generally icky > act that a human being can perform is.  Can you help us?  What is this > despicably revolting act?? > > thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my...hmmm...I think that this requires a call to The Department Of } Vile Perverted Disgusting Twisted Icky Acts... } } <* RING *> } -- CLICK -- } } "Hello, this is Dr. Ruth of the DOVPDTIA." } } Yes, this is the oracle, I need to know the most vile, perverted, } disgusting, twisted, icky act a human being can attempt. } } (Dr. Ruth) "Well, you know that there is nothing that is *truly* } v/p/d/t/i, because as long as there is love between all parties involved } in any act, it is totally natural..." } } (Geraldo Rivera) "Well, I personally believe that gang raping homeless } jewish homosexual 3-year olds with Mob connections in a joint } Satanist/KKK ritual would have to be at the top of the list." } } (Satanist KKK member) "I'll kill you for that!" *BIFF* } } (Geraldo) "He broke my nose!" } } (Morton Downey, Jr.) "Shut up, at least *you* have good ratings." } } (Dan Quayle) "What's the question again?" } } (Oral Roberts) "WITHOUT question...the MOST vile...perverted... } disgusting...Twisted...ICKY act ANYONE could EVER undertake...is to sit } behind a desk...in front of a computer...and claim to be an ALMIGHTY } oracle...a FALSE GOD!!...when you KNOW the ONLY TRUE GOD is JESUS!!!!... } and people like YOU expect EVERYONE to just ABANDON their beliefs...and } listen to ONLY YOU!...well, sir, i think that YOU are-" --CLICK-- } } (*DIAL TONE*) } } You owe the Oracle $666, a subscription to Playboy, and an easy-to throw } chair...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OraCLE, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Enough! } } [Dial 1-212-%@#-%@#$.... ring ... ring ...] } } Slimebottle: Hell Office of Public Service, how can we best serve you? } } O: I was calling about Xxxxxxx Xxxxx, actually, and wondering how you }    could best serve him. } } S: Let me see, sir!  Right away, sir!  Ho ha hum ... hum death hum ... }    ho, ... I think that he should best be killed with a single quick }    slash across the throat, gutted, boned, cut into thin slices, and }    served on top of rice like sushi. } } O: No; he's probably toxic unless cooked. } } S: Very true, sir!  Very good, sir!  I had to try, sir!  Hi de die, sir! }    Very well, sir!  I'll try again, sir!  ... Ho de doom de doom de ho }    de aye de doom de aye, should we kill or should we slay, or bake him }    in a brick of clay, ho de doom de doom de aye.... I have it, sir!  We }    should hang him over a great big vat, cut his throat, let all the }    blood drain into the vat, marinate him for several hours in latex and }    glycerine, and bake him with his underwear around his knees.  Then }    serve him with baked potatoes and creamed onions. } } O: Very good, except for the latex and glycerine.  How about Burgundy }    and garlic instead? } } S: I should say so, sir!  I can't say no, sir!  Mega-right-O, sir! } } O: Go to it, then.  Send it to the White House, by the way; I wouldn't }    eat such a food as that. } } S: I should think not, sir!  That's what I thought, sir!  Don't eat such }    rot, sir!  It's not so hot, sir! } } [click]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I have bronchitis or layrngitis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come closer and let the Oracle examine you in detail.  Please take off } your clothes.  And sit up here on this table.  And put this on, yes, I } know it's a little tight, but, there, doesn't that look nice? } } Mmmm.  The Oracle likes that.  Now open your mouth real wide and let the } Oracle, uhm, look inside... } } The Oracle has oh so very deeply pondered your question.  The answer is } yes, you have bronchitis or layrngitis. } } You owe the Oracle a tounge-depressor and here, develop this roll of } film for me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You recently told someone that if cum were black it would be gross.  I > have to take issue with this.  I don't think it's possible to wear too > much black. > > Have you been letting the janitor answer your mail again, oh Great and > Wonderous Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!  Don't inslut me!  I mean, don't inslut my janotir!  I'm a darn } good janotir!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the FREQUENCY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sixty hertz if you're in America. } Fifty hertz if you're in England. } } Vs over lambda if you're an acoustical engineer. } C over lambda if you're a physicist. } Every fifteen or twenty seconds with sets every ten minutes } if you're a surfer. } } Once every two years if you're a governor. } Once every four years if you're the President. } Once every lifetime if you're Dan Quayle. } } Four times a day if you're normal. } Four times a week if you're dehydrated. } Four times an hour if you've been drinking beer. } Four times a minute if you've been drinking Coors. } } Once or twice a day if you're normal. } Once or twice a week if you're constipated. } Once or twice a minute if you drink the water in Mexico. } } Six times a week if you're normal. } Zero if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count. } Eight times a week if your SO lives down the street. } Twelve times a week if your SO lives with you. } Twenty times a week if your SO lives with you and your other SO } lives down the street. } Twenty-four times a week if both your SO's live with you. } } Three per session if you're normal. } Zero per session if you're impotent. } Zero per session if you're celibate.  Hand jobs don't count. } One per session if you're old. } Ten per session if you're horny. } Twenty-seven per session if you just finished serving four straight } years on a Navy sub or a state prison.  Gradually tapers to three } per session. } } Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic. } Zero if you're an unmarried Catholic with an SO. } Once a year if you're an unmarried Catholic with a fiance, but it } didn't really count because neither of you came, right? } Once a minute for the first two weeks of a Catholic marriage. } Twice a day for the first two years. } Once a day for the next three years. } Four times a week for the next five years. } Twice a week for the next five years. } Once a month with your spouse, twice a week with your lover, } for the next ten years. } Once every six months or so from now 'till death do you part. } } Once every four years if you're an Engineering major. } Once every two years if you're a Physics major. } Once every three weeks if you're an English major. } Once every week if you're an Art major. } Twice a week if you're a stripper. } Three times a week if you're a high school football player. } Four times a week if you're a frat boy. } Four times a week if you're a sorority girl. } Fifteen times a week if you're a Tri-Delt. } Twenty times a week if your annual income is over $1 million. } Thirty-seven times a week if you're a jigolo. } Forty times a week if you're a prostitute. } Forty-two times a week if you're a high school cheerleader. } Seventy-eight times a week if you're Traci Lords or Barbara Dare. } Five thousand seven hundred fifty-five times a week in as } many different positions if you're Lisa. } Zero if you're John Holmes. } } You owe the Oracle a pipe dream.  And a signal generator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, What shall I do after I graduate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [gaze into crystal ball.] } } 1.  You will drink three large beakers full of champagne.  You will }     then take a bath in the stuff. } 2.  Your roommate's parents will choose this moment to come up to your }     room to sit down for a while.  You confront them without clothing, }     reeking of alcohol.  They pass out, totally astounded by the }     magnitude of your reproductive organs. } 3.  A strange carnivorous flower will blossom on the floor of the room. }     While the roommate's parents are unconscious, it eats their feet. }     You watch, not comprehending. } 4.  The flower vanishes.  You gawk. } 5.  They wake up.  Being lawyers, they blame you for their new footless }     state.  They do not believe your story about the carnivorous flower. }     They limp and wobble out of the room, planning a lawsuit. } 6.  Your girlfriend shows up.  She, too, does not believe the story. }     To calm you down, she removes her clothing and pushes you backwards }     onto a bed. } 7.  Your boyfriends shows up as well.  He was not aware that you had a }     girlfriend.  She was not aware that you had a boyfriend.  The two }     happen to be seniors majoring in Superheroism.  Your boyfriend pulls }     out a High Energy Bolt Emitter which he built as a senior project. }     Your girlfriend kicks the gun out of his hand.  It fires as it }     leaves his hand, and there is a large hole in the roof.  She then }     kicks him in the jaw, knocking him unconscious.  Then she clobbers }     you, and stuffs you into a desk drawer. } 8.  Your boyfriend wakes up.  He looks at you in the drawer, and slams }     it closed. } 9.  Your sheepfriend shows up, rather tipsy.  He sits down and waits }     for you to get back.  After some time, he decides to dress up as }     you.  He goes into the drawer to get out a pair of your see-thru }     polkadotted bikini briefs.  He discovers you instead. } 10. He pulls you out of the drawer.  You are barely able to stand up }     straight.  He pushes you on the bed and proceeds to have his way }     with you.  It is not as much fun for you as when you can move.  It }     is considerably more fun for him. } 11. While this is going on, your cowfriend shows up.  She did not know }     you had a sheepfriend.  He did not know you had a cowfriend. } 12. What happens next is not very nice. } 13. You and your sheepfriend have some very fresh hamburgers and some }     very stale Dorritos.  Your sheepfriend explains in low, serious }     terms that he cannot continue to date anyone who is sexually }     attracted to kine.  He can still have sex with you, as he proceeds }     to demonstrate in an unusually painful way.  He leaves.  You try to }     figure out how to clean yourself up. } 14. Your professor in Applied Metaphysics calls up to tell you that }     you forgot to turn in the term paper for his class, and your degree }     has been rescinded. } 15. In despair, you call your poodlefriend.  He quickly dashes over }     from the other side of campus to comfort you.  You carefully lock }     the door as he puts his warm, wet nose in your bottom. } 16. Your pterodactylfriend shows up at the window.  For the third time }     that day, your penchant for not telling your sexual partners about }     each other gets you in trouble. } } I could go on, but I think you get the point.  After a week or so you go } through all your lovers of your undergraduate career.  Then you take a } job at IBM's BSDG (Bovine System Development Group) and start going } steady with a herd of cows. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you will never, never ask me about } your sexual problems.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they put things in vitamins for which an RDA has not been > established left?  Isn't it possible they could be seriously overdosing > us with a mineral that may prove to be deadly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh condom poster-child... } } I'm afraid you must be terminated.  You have stumbled upon the greatest } secret kept by world-governments :  OHSHIT (Overpopulation Hazard } Solution by Harboring Insidious Toxins).  It is a project to decrease } the world- overpopulation crisis by using toxic minerals in everday } vitamins.  In fact, many victims of AIDS and drunk-driving accidents } are, in reality, just a cover-up.  Remember Rock Hudson?  Jimmy Hoffa? } Ghandi???? } } Well, my curious friend, you have just joined that list.  You are to die } in a vasoline overdose involving some guys you met at a bar. } } You owe the Oracle some Flintstone Vitamins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think of the U.S.  invasion of Panama?  Do you think Noriaga > is guilty of the charges against him?  Please explain your reasoning.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, I'm not gonna tell you again:  your poly sci professor gave YOU } this question to answer, not me.  This is YOUR assignment, not mine. } Getting me to write your report would further your education no more } than a sorority girl would further hers taking a bubble bath with a } computer science geek. } } You might as well face the facts: } 1. The assignment is due in less than a week. } 2. I have neither the time nor the inclination to research and type a }    double-spaced ten page report explaining why I think Noriega is a }    horse's ass.  Not to mention why I think the CIA is a horse's ass. } 3. If you're gonna get this thing done on time, you're gonna have to }    make sacrifices.  I know you were planning to spend the week in }    Vail with that bimbo from 'SC; she's just gonna have to wait until }    your paper is written.  Besides, she's ovulating this week and }    she's not on the pill. } } And to think I might not have caught on had you not asked me to } explain my reasoning.  Sheesh. } } You owe the Oracle a bubble bath with Lisa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the longest dildo you have ever used on yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About yay big.  I remember that because when Lisa finally got it in all } the way, we applauded "yay!" I was appointed the net.suppleness.god for } a day. } } You owe the Oracle a better onomatopoeia for applause than "yay!"