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} Praise the Lord, Brother Supplicant. Let us now read from the Book of
} Measurements.
}
} Chapter 10
}
} 1 And lo, upon the great hill there stood a shadow, and his message
} unto the people was the Metric System.
} 2 "Listen unto me, that thy mind might be sectioned into round tens,
} and thy soul be mark'd in cents, kilos, and millis."
} 3 And the shadow was Evil, and the people knew it to be so. And
} their resistance surged, but the Evil was upon them.
} 4 There began the resizing of the products, where hereuntofor the
} pounds became as kilograms, and the inch became as centimeters.
} 5 And Evil reigned, and many a cake was ruin'd.
} 6 The Lord saw the Evil, and because he loved his children, the Lord
} smote the Metric System, lest it not return until the prophesized
} times of faithlessness, rebellion, and rock music.
} 7 And the Lord declared that until the approach of that age, there
} shalt be the following system of measurement to be observed by his
} followers:
} 8 "Let the rod be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no more
} than the size of the smallest rod that holds up thy rabbi's tent;
} 9 "Let the blotchitt be that amount of volume wherein it is equal to no
} more than the steps between the watering hole of Ishraham and the
} oasis of Estelahashabah, but that the blotchitt not be less than
} thirtsix rods;
} 10 "Let the venrim be that amount of volume that is the rod or
} blotchitt when the measurement is dry;
} 11 "Let the hogshead be the distance wherein the rabbi can roll a swine
} carcass away from thine village to follow the law of kosher;
} 12 "Let the foot be the length of the rabbi's foot wherein it is
} measured from the rabbi's middle toe to his heel;
} 13 "Let the pound be that amount of weight wherein it is equal to
} the number of beatings required to drive a thief from thine village;
} 14 "Let the weensy be that amount of weight wherein no thief is known
} unto the village, thus the weensy be that amount wherein the largest
} goat can defecate in one afternoon;
} 15 "And let the gring be that speed wherein one can travel one hogshead
} per midmorning by camel that is fed six rods of corn, or three
} hogshead per day by cart measuring six feet by two feet by four feet
} laden with 18 weensies of goat dung.
} 16 "Let these measurements be so, for it is the will of thy Lord that
} it be so, and thy Lord will smite thee if thou does not perpetuate
} this system."
} 17 And the people knew it was so, and the rabbis knew that resisting
} the Metric System meant resisting understanding the Lord's realm
} called Science, so the rabbis spread the word of the Lord's system,
} and all was good.
}
} You owe the Oracle the full text of the Book of Armaments.
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