Goto:

1025, 1025-01, 1025-02, 1025-03, 1025-04, 1025-05, 1025-06, 1025-07, 1025-08, 1025-09, 1025-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kay pass ah, hum bray?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Incarnation looked raised his eyes from his whiskey, and peered at } the stranger across the brim of his Sombrero. } } "Ah Sed, 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!'", the stranger repeated. } } The Incarnation glanced the stranger over.  Knee-pads, tattered } clothes, ragged appearance.  Yeap, this was a Supplicant.  The } Incarnation slowly turned from his bar stool, the shot of whiskey he'd } been nursing left forgotton on the bar. } } "Eye noe yoo arr en in car nae shun, yoo hav too an ser mie kwes tun!" } the Strange Supplicant drawled, doing his best John Wayne impression, } and failing miserably.  The barkeep began slowly edging his way away } from the pair,  and the other clients began glancing nervously at each } other.  The Incarnation merely raised his hand to adjust his sombrero, } as a bead of sweat chased its way down his cheek. } } "Hay ken yoo heer mee?   Eye askt yoo 'Kay pass ah, hum bray?!' ann yoo } mus an ser mee in car nae shun!" } }                 ***ZOT***! } } The Bartender dove behind the bar as the Incarnation, with one smooth } movement, drew his Wand of Zot(TM) and incinerated the Supplicant, who } barely had time to shriek in pain.  Some fine ash drifted to the ground } and landed on a single singed knee-pad, all that remained of the } hapless Juno-ite. } } The Incarnation slowly turned back to his seat, and took a small sip } from his whiskey, as the Bartender came up from behind the bar holding } a dust pan and a plastic baggy.   The Bartender shook his head as he } swept the remains of the supplicant into the bag, where they joined the } ashes of countless other Juno and Hotmail users.  He let out a sigh as } he returned to his place behind the bar, and refilled the Incarnations } whiskey.  "Why do they INSIST on not grovelling?", the Bartender asked } to noone in particular. } } You owe the Oracle a Phoentic Thesarus and a Mexican Cantina.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <fx: click - TV bursts into life> > ..nton was unavailable for comment. > > And now, with some late-breaking news of world-shattering significance, > the Usenet Oracle, reporting from Indiana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, and welcome to the Oracle's computer news section. Today Microsoft } shocked us all as they announced that their latest operating system - } Windows 98 is to be renamed prior to launch as Diana, Princess of } Windows. } } A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late } ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flashy, be } mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash } spectacularly. } } And now for the weather ...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle most wise, you are the center of mass for wisdom, >         your satellites are wit and insight! I ask your help; > >         What mixture of human traits and occupations should we >         humans send to populate our 1st colony on Mars if we >         want it to evolve into as perfect a world as it could be??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      As few as possible. } } You owe the Oracle a planet run by mice.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Ice-Aged, Neolithic, Evolutionary, Feathered  And > Non-Flightless Oracle Who Knows About The Chicken And The Egg And All > That Stuff, Please Tell Me > What does ptarmigan ptaste like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pterrible. } } You owe the Oracle a ptastier ptable bird.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose knowledge is that of the Library of > Congress, > > Why does my math teacher insist on teaching the hard way first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It is what is often called "weeding" (originally known as }       "kill the weak"). } }       You give the difficult explanations up front to scare off the }       losers and the feeble. It is a time honored and effective way }       of keeping Dangerous Knowledge from falling into the hands of }       the riff-raff. } }       Why, we even use it here in the Digests; the first three }       questions and answers are of an intense nature dealing with }       obscure topics of interest only to specialists in a few very }       narrow fields, this is to frighten off the casual observer. }       The next three are usually absurd filler, to baffle and cloud }       the minds of anyone who skipped down past the hard ones. The }       third set of three is where we put The Big Truths for those in }       the know. The last question is always a bogus -joke- question }       and answer put in to confound anyone who should try and start }       from the bottom. } }       You owe the Oracle your 8th child.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the remote is, > > What would an X-Files and Teletubbies crossover be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Johnson Residence } Middlevale, New Hampshire } May 31, 8:07 am } } [A small child is watching television.  Suddenly, the child's face } hardens, and he gets up.  He goes to the kitchen and gets a knife.  The } child is seen pushing the door to a room open.  Moments later, screams } are heard. Fade to black, cue X-Files intro.] } } [Mulder is showing Scully a file.  Scully looks mildly revolted.] } } Scully: You say a three year old child did this? } } Mulder: That's what the report said. } } Scully: Mulder, that's impossible.  Someone is clearly covering up a } brutal murder by blaming an innocent and most likely traumatized child. } } Mulder:  I don't know about that, Scully.  I've got X-Files dating back } to 1996 of these incidents occurring in England. } } Scully: I never heard about that. } } Mulder: They were kept quiet.  It seems the victims were mostly } upper-class, and for the protection of those children involved, the } media was lead to believe they were botched burglaries.  But it was the } same thing every time - a kid is watching TV, and then all of a sudden } goes insane and kills someone.  Now, I have a hunch about something. } You stay here and maintain your confusion while I run around and get } all the good action scenes. } } Scully: Wait, Mulder, where are you going? } } Mulder: To check out a hunch. } } Scully: You always say that.  Why won't you ever give me a straight } answer? } } Mulder: Dramatic suspense.  Bye. } } [Mulder leaves.] } } Johnson Residence } Middlevale, New Hampshire } June 2, 2:34 pm } } [Mulder approaches the television with Generic Local Cop.] } } Mulder: You're sure no one changed the channel? } } Generic Local Cop: There's no reason why anyone would have. } } [Mulder turns on TV.  It comes on to channel 12.  Mulder looks pensive, } then reaches for the TV Guide - Lance Henriksen is on the cover. } Mulder flips through the TV Guide.] } } Mulder: What time of death did we say? } } Generic Local Cop: Sometime between 8:00 am and 9:00 am. } } Mulder:  The kid was watching something called Teletubbies. } } [Mulder's cell phone rings.] } } Mulder: Mulder. } } Scully: It's me.  I've been talking to the psychologist, and she says } this kid seems normal.  The doctors did notice a weird growth on his } head, though. } } Mulder: Weird how? } } Scully: Apparently it's some sort of antenna, growing from the middle } of his head.  They can't explain it, and his health seems fine } otherwise. Have you found anything? } } Mulder:  I'm not sure yet.  I'll meet you back at the office in a few } hours. } } [Mulder hangs up.] } } [Back at the office, Mulder is showing Scully slides of Teletubbies.] } } Scully:  What the hell are those? } } Mulder: This is what the kid was watching just before killing his } parents. They're Teletubbies.  It's a relatively new show here, but } guess where it started airing in 1996? } } Scully: England? } } Mulder: Yup.  And the nannies of all of the children involved in the } similar cases over there have confirmed that those kids watched the } show regularly. } } Scully:  What's that coming out of their heads? } } Mulder: Each of the characters has a protrusion from the head. } } [Mulder shows the slide of a yellow Teletubby with a curled antenna.] } } Scully: That's what's growing out of the little boy's head! } } Mulder: That's Laa Laa.  Want to hear my theory? } } Scully:  I'm not sure. } } Mulder: I think this is a government conspiracy involving aliens. } } Scully: Big shocker. } } Mulder:  No, really.  This time they're letting these aliens disguise } themselves as children's icons, while secretly brainwashing our young } children to become their evil minions. } } Scully:  That doesn't explain why the kid is growing the antenna. } } Mulder:  It's a genetic agent triggered by subliminal psychosomatic } stimuli. } } Scully:  How do they transfer the genetic agent in the first place? } } Mulder: Haven't you been watching the past few seasons?  They do it by } crop dusting, vaccinations, and men in black suits. } } Scully:  Even if that were all true, why would they have the kids kill } their parents? } } Mulder: To destroy the older generation faster and pave the way for } hoards of mutant Teletubby kids who will take over the earth! } } Scully:  Oooookay. } } Mulder: Really!  It could happen! } } Cancer Man:  He's right, Scully. } } Mulder: You! } } Cancer Man: Indeed. } } Mulder: I thought you were dead! } } Cancer Man:  Duh.  I was guaranteed a part in the movie in my last } contract.  They couldn't kill me off for real. } } Mulder: D'oh! } } Cancer Man: Indeed.  Anyhoo, now that you've figured out our plan, we } have to destroy you once and for all. } } Scully:  Couldn't you just force us to run away from all the evidence } and then you can conveniently have it stolen or destroyed?  That way we } get to on, week after week, chasing your organization like blind rats } in a maze, but never catching you? } } Cancer Man: Hmmmm....nah.  I'm sick of doing that. } } [Cancer Man pulls out a gun and blows the agents' heads off.] } } Cancer Man:  Well, that's that.  Now I'm off to a meeting with the } Barney people. } } You owe the Oracle a plausible explanation as to how our favourite FBI } duo come back to life in time to be in this summer's movie.  Note: } secret tunnels and Navajos may not be used.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let the mortals rejoice in the Oracle's honor and sing for joy on their > beds. The Oracle's Wit and Knowledge is like a box springs on which we > mortals lay unconscious on for long periods of time, occasionally > rising to get a drink or use the facilities.  All Hail the Oracle, The > Oracle is Wise, The Oracle is Good, I know the Oracle can help me. > > How does one house-break a washing machine? My washing machine -had- > been a good washing machine until lately. Now it keeps wetting the > floor. I have tried taking it outside on the lawn before giving it a > load of clothes, but it just sits there. I even have left the door open > so it can go out when it wants. Still it is wetting the floor. Please > give me some advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, good supplicant, whose grovel rates 8/10 on the Grovel Scale, let } me introduce you to the concept of raising a good washing machine. } } Normally, washing machines are trained properly to use the available } facilities for waste products while still in the factory. This process, } depending on the machine in question, can take several weeks, although } the better ones will get the idea within a few days. } } However, there are always those few who fall back, especially when } coming up against difficulties in life. Either simply from immaturity, } or from trauma caused by overly heavy workloads, or colour strain, or } other such trouble, when a washing machine backslides, you have two } options. You can either take it back to the store, or you can help it } out yourself. } } The first option is easiest from your point of view, but will likely } increase the trauma to the washing machine, requiring the doctors to } spend much time healing it, or even, in the worst cases, if it is } decided that the damage is irreversible, terminating it in mercy. } Obviously, any moral owner will avoid this option if at all possible. } Even if you can't handle it yourself, give it to a friend or relative } first (making certain that they will, of course, properly care for it). } } The second option will take much time, but the investment will be worth } it. The first step is to put the washing machine in diapers. Don't call } them that, of course - that could aggravate the damage. Call it special } plumbing, or something like that. } } Don't keep them on all the time, of course. Occasionally, take them } off, bring the machine outside, and do a load there. This will teach } the machine the proper place to release its wastes. } } Remember to use kind words, and easy coaxing when talking to the } machine. And never expose it in public - only one person should ever } see it undressed at a time, preferrably limited to yourself and an } appropriate doctor. } } In time, the machine will regain its confidence and begin taking care } of itself again. } } Just remember, your washing machine is a sensitive being, and you } should always treat it with respect, in order to get along with it for } a happy, long life. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of baby food.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, oh great cynosure, please tell me - was > it you who wrote all those Linux fortune cookies? > > Take this: > >   % fortune >   In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must >   own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. > > ...I find it hard to believe that anyone but you would have known that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} temple:/home/oracle 1> man fortune } Formatting page. Please wait... } FORTUNE(6)             Linux Games Manual                  FORTUNE(6) } } NAME }      fortune - print a random, hopefully interesting, adage } } <hmm...let's skip down a bit.> } } CREDITS }      fortune(6) was created by The Internet Oracle } (oracle@cs.indiana.edu), formerly The Usenet Oracle. All fortunes } were also contributed from the vast resources of The Internet Oracle. } All those who ask about the origin of fortune(6) shall be required } to read the Kama Sutra piped through jive without laughing. } }                         May 18, 1998                                1 } } temple:/home/oracle 2>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I pass my Algebra final swiftly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you will pass it, but not any more swiftly than anything else } you've ever eaten. I'd say about 20 hours from now it will reappear. } But it is going to be rather worse for wear. } } You owe the Oracle one of those knit "skirts" that you place over a } Barbie doll and a roll of toilet paper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me Oh Wise Oracle! > > I awoke this morning and found an odd tattoo (shown below) on my > forehead! I am scared! What does it mean? Please help me! > >        (\__/) >        /O O `. >       (O__,   \ >         / .  . ) >         |-| '-' \ >        .(   _(   ) >       '---.~_ _ _&

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is Mark, the Beast. } } You owe the Internet Oracle a packet of those "temporary" coloured } tattoos (preferrably all of penguins).