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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh really wise and great Oracle, >  Whose genius is as boundless as the universe, >  Whose strength makes Superman look like a sissy, >  Whose wealth is greater than Bill Gates', >  Who, so I was once told, stopped a stampeding herd of buffalo with >  just a mean look, > >  Do either you or the truly beautiful and desirable Lisa having any >  body piercings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohm, thut up.  We're new at thith, okay?  Be nithe to uth, or ath thoon } ath we get untangled, you'll find the Thtaff of Thot pierthing you } where you leatht ekthpect it. } } The Oracle oweth you a pierthing thcream.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most Great and Wise Oracle, who's feet I would beg to kiss, who's > word I pray to hear, and who's nasal hair I secretly wish to trim, > please answer this oh-so-unworthy supplicant's question: > > Well, ok, here goes.. See, for some odd reason, I stopped getting the > Oh-So-Wonderful Orcacularites a time ago, and when I re-subscribed, I > was in dismay! It seemed you had hired new worms to grovel 'neath your > feet.. Tell me, Orrie, just who ARE Kendai and Zodoc, and the Rhodites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ( To the tune of "Where is Thumbkin?" ) } } Who is Zodoc?  Who is Zodoc? } Zadoc's twin!  Zadoc's twin! } Though he doesn't serve me, } He can still unnerve the } Newbie priests.  Newbie priests. } } Who is Kendai?  Who is Kendai? } Zadoc's friend!  Zadoc's friend! } Has to work through college, } So he dispenses knowledge } With a 'tude.  With a 'tude. } } Who are Rhodites?  Who are Rhodites? } They're my flock!  They're my flock! } If you beg and grovel, } Asking questions novel, } You're one too!  You're one too! } } You owe the Oracle a similar explanation of the members of the US } Senate.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most logical Oracle who knows whether a Turing machine will halt > or not on a given input tape, and knows the difference between a von > Neumann machine, a von Neumann architecture and a von Neumann algebra: > > I am porting linux to work on Babbage's Analytical Engine, but I > am having some trouble.  Can you tell me where I can find a device > driver for a 2-inch sprocket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down to Ned Ludd's house. He'll be glad to lend you one. } } You owe the Oracle some lace cards... he's running out of doilies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before the Oracle who has scattered abroad his gifts to the > poor of wit, those suffering from an embarrassment of knowledge, those > who are just plum clueless, which in his eyes is all of us! > > I have heard that you have cut a deal with the O'Reilly people and are > about to release a tech manual. What exactly will the text be about? > What cool creature will be depicted in the traditional O'Reilly woodcut > on the cover?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deity Publicists, LLC } 1 Arda Way } Olympus, CA 90210 } } Humble Supplicant: } } Thank you for your interest in The Internet Oracle's forthcoming } O'Reilly release! } } We here at Deity Publicists are very excited about Mr. Oracle's unique } perspective on both life in Olympus and Network Systems, and due to its } recent merger with Harlequin Romance, O'Reilly seemed to be the perfect } publisher for his thoughts.  Deity has made no formal announcements or } releases regarding this project, but due to your helpfulness in } tracking down our unfortunate information leak, (He will be chastised. } Severely.) The Oracle has graciously allowed us to provide you with a } 'sneak preview'. } } "My 500 Days On Olympus: Sex, Lies, and Network Administration" is the } first in O'Reillequin's line of Technical Romance, combining the } page-turning writing style of modern romance with the raw expertise of } today's best how-to books.  Mr. Oracle hopes that this volume will } provide system administrators the world over with useful tips for } router maintenance, printer sharing, and syrup/lubricant selection. } Included below is a brief excerpt from "500 Days": } } "Strange and lissome images danced on the curtain, flickering shadows } of passion cast by the roaring fire.  I stepped carefully into the } shadows, as the unbridled, frenzied sounds continued, rising like the } clamor of an alt.sex.* newsgroup.  The sounds became almost } intelligible: } }       'Mm... Oh!  32-bit protected protocols!  NetBEUI!  IPX!  TCP/IP! }        It can even client 16-bit real mode Banyan VINES!  YES!  Ah...' } } I stepped quietly out of the room, shaking my head.  What was it about } Windows 95 that turned Aphrodite into such a... well, love goddess?  I } shuddered; what would happen when Hephaestus found out?  I hoped those } poor '95 sysadmins were well on their way before the ol' boy got home; } he'd turn 'em into unix." } } We expect to release "500 Days" in mid-November; several studios have } already expressed interest in the concept. } } Very Sincerely Yours, } Trevor Snodgrass } Deity Publicists, LLC. } } PS    While we here at Deity have considered both a scantily clad Lemur } and Madonna as possible cover animals, Mr. Oracle is lobbying heavily } for a duotone portrait of an eviscerated woodchuck.  No final decision } has been reached. } } You owe The Oracle an eviscerated woodch*ck.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh quantitatively multidimensional Oracle, forceful in gravitas, > > are post-quantum computers really possible? If so, how long will it be > before they're made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several major CPU manufacturers had already built and planned to ship } quantum-decision-gate-based computer systems in late 1997, however they } discovered that about 50% of the times the test consumers opened the } shipping boxes, all they found inside was a dead cat. } } Even when they could get them out of the boxes and set up correctly, } they still had problems in that the OS, instead of causing GPF's, would } experience "catastrophic quantum assertiveness failures."  In other } words, they'd suddenly pop out of existence, sometimes taking the test } consumer with them if they didn't have a secure enough self-image. } (I've personally shipped several to Redmond, WA, but that little bugger } has the biggest ego....) } } There were also problems with performance:  If they opened the box to } make sure the CPU was installed correctly, nobody could ever figure out } how fast it ran, and vice-versa. } } You owe the Oracle a smoke-based computer system.  (But they stop } working when the smoke all gets out...)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's in a mail today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Well, let's look, shall we? } }    This looks good . . . } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:19 -0500 (EST) } From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> } Subject: Answer #Qa00000, the Oracle requires an answer to this } question. To: The Internet Oracle Incarnated as <mumble> } }    Now what's this? One per second? } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:20 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com> } Subject: Make Money Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:21 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com> } Subject: Fast Make Money Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 14:13:22 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com> } Subject: Make Money Fast Last } . } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:23 -0500 (EST) } From: MMF <Spammer@spam.com> } Subject: Last Make Money Fast }          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That'll be the day } }    Man, I get sick of deleting that tripe. }    Ok, edit the killfile. }    Anything with "money", }    anything all CAPS, }    anything with an "!". }    Now let's see what we are left with. } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:24 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com> } Subject: Take Cash Fast } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:25 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com> } Subject: Free Pix(was: Take Cash Fast) } } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 16:45:26 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com> } Subject: Free Sex(was: Take Cash Fast) } . } }     Add to killfile -- Sex -- Cash } . } . } Date: Tue, 9 Jun 1998 18:33:46 -0500 (EST) } From: Twinkie <sex@spam.com> } Subject: Hi there, I'm catching on to mail filters. } }    Damn. } } Ok, only allow mail from The Oracle. } } Message_Body: < } }    A: Space, the final frontier ... } } Message_Body: flink flonk flunk } }    A: How do you conjugate the verb flink? } } Message_Body: M1cr050ft RULZ3 } }    A: 1) Reboot  2) Reboot  3) Reboot } } Message_Body: What's inna mail today? } }    A: Spam. } } (grumble, grumble) } No grovels.  What next?  W**dch**ks? } I'm duin the best I can Cap'n, but I canna stand the } strrainn! } } (picks up Zot Staff, a great cloud of smoke appears } where the screen used to be.) } } You owe the Oracle a spam filter that works.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wired and percolated Oracle, S/He who's ambition is never > lacking and who's bladder never needs emptying; Please enlighten this > poor supplicant. > > My friends and Co-Workers say I have a caffeine problem. I only drink 4 > double mocha's in the morning and a six pack each of Pepsi and Coke in > the afternoon. I find the caffeine make me more productive. For > example, I wrote this message in all caps (for some reason I feel the > need to write everything in all caps) but to spare you I wrote a > program on my other computer with my other hand that filters the text > and makes it 'normal'. > > My friends say the caffeine has made me to exite-able and makes me > ramble on and on and on and on without ever pausing and frequently > changing topics but I think they are exaggerating. > > Which reminds me that I need to clean the tops of the ceiling tiles in > my office after I disinfect all the phones in the office, what was i > talking about? Oh, Yeah! my question: > >  1.) Do you think I have a caffeine problem. > >  2.) If so how can I get off the stuff without the terrible withdrawal >      headache? > > thankyouverymuchIgottagomakesomecoffee, > > Joe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       <The Oracle, hand trembling slightly, puts down the half-gallon } Starbuck's Double-Tall Double-Shot Mocha Espresso Latte with } Turbo-Whipped Whole Milk and Dark Chocolate Swizzle-Stick. The wild } look in his eyes would do credit to an adrenaline-charged Bengal tiger> } } "OfCourseYouHaveACaffeineProblemSupplicantItIsObviousThatYouCantHandleIt } IsuggestExtremelyStrongPeppermintsNotOnlyWillTheySettleYourStomachBut } YourBreathWillBeAbleToStunASeagullFromAtLeastAHundredFeetAway." } }         "YouOweTheOracleANewSetOfCoffeePotFiltersTreatedWithAntiDecaf }          Supplement."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  As true as steel, as plantage is to the moon, as the sun is to day, as >  a turtle to her mate, as iron to adamant, thus is the Oracle to >  Knowledge! > >  If you could kill off all but two mortals on Earth and then use them >  as an "Adam and Eve" to start over again who would you choose and >  why? > >  I thank you for your efforts on this question Mighty Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question was so interesting, everybody wanted to answer: } } Og: Who Adam? } Oracle: Me and Lisa. } Zadoc: Zadoc and Lisa. } Remaining Priesthood [after Zadoc's zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Og: Who Eve? } Lisa: Leonardo di Caprio and Lisa. } Leonardo di Caprio [after Titanic size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Bill Clinton: Just who is this Lisa? } Bill Clinton [after Big Mac size zotting]: Orrie and Lisa. } Og: Og not have clue who Adam and Eve, but Og say Orrie and Lisa. } } Looks like it's unanimous! } }       You owe the Oracle some trained chimps to run the service } industries of Eden.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose shoes never get gum on the soles, please > tell me... > > You've got espresso, cappuccino, latte, and cafe' au lait, plus > there's all those flavorings.  What ever happened to a cup of coffee, > with a little bit of milk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Economics my friend economics. See here supplicant, here's a potato. } Now, how much would you pay for this potato? } } > 20 cents I guess } } OK, I do a quick slice and fry up. Now it's a packet of crisps. } How much would you pay for that very same potato? } } > 40 cents, maybe } } OK, now I slice it thicker, and make crinkle cut french fries. } How much would you pay for that? } } > I dunno. 'bout a dollar maybe. } } See, the more it's processed, the more you pay for it. What do you } expect commercial food suppliers with half a brain to do? Now, I cut } it up a bit, shape it, roll it, there, a Toyota GT-One fully gassed } up and ready to win Le Mans. That'd go for about a cool million. } } > From a potato? How did you do that? } } I *am* The Oracle you know. Now, do you understand the answer to } your question? } } > Yes, by calling the coffee by strange names, and making increasingly } > esoteric drinks from it, complete suckers like, oh er, erm, me, } > pay increasing amounts for what is essentially the same thing. } } Correct. You owe The Oracle a Dune Buggy. } } > Can't I just give you a potato and you can make yourself one? } }                       ><><><><><>< ZOT ><><><><><><><

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Gilbert and Sullivan are long dead, so this is a > metaphysical speculation, but an interesting one nontheless... > > If Gilbert and Sullivan were alive today, what would they be writing > their comic operas about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very interesting Question supplicant. } } I decided to write a simulation to answer you question. Using } HoloDeck(TM) technology I programmed G & S into the modern world and } watched them work. } } Of course there were a few bugs. They kept not meeting, or shooting } each other, or running of with some lover or another. But once I got } the bugs worked out it worked wonderfully. Below is a list of the } original musicals compared to the musical movies they wrote in the } modern world: } } Original                 Modern } --------                 ------ } } Thespis                  Sepsis: The outbreak } Trial by Jury            Trial by Jury [some things don't change. } The Sorcerer             The Programmer                  -Oracle] } HMS Pinafore             U.S.S. Tailhook } Pirates of Penzance      Pirates of www.Penzance.com } Patience                 Patience got a gun } Iolanthe                 Iolanthe in the Hood } Princess Ida             My own private Princess Ida ho } Mikado                   Mikado: Corperate Raider } Ruddigore                Al Gore } The Yeomen of the Guard  Yeoman of Starfleet } The Gondoliers           The Cabbies } Utopia, Limited          Utopia, Limited; docu-drama about crack cocaine } The Grand Duke           Bill Gates } } So you see the modern world would have had a very polluting effect on } these guys. Especially Princess Ida, where they dabbled in a musical } porno movie. Pretty scary. Although I must admit that "I am the very } model of a modern FBI hacker tracker" from www.Penzance.com works well. } } You owe the Oracle a modern interpration of the collected works } of Shakespear.