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} Dear Ollie:
}
} Babe! You ain't just whistling Dixie! Stephen King is hot, hot, hot
} right now, especially after that brilliant "X-Files" episode he wrote
} with the evil talking doll! I mean, how original can you get? So I
} took your suggestion and called Stevie up -- he and I go way back --
} and he turned around and sent me this script before I could say "Jack
} Robinson"...though that's not really too hard, since I only say "Jack
} Robinson" once every few weeks. Still, I couldn't believe how fast he
} writes -- it's almost like he spits out stories without having to
} expend any mental energy on them at all! He amazes me. Anyway, have a
} look at it; I think you'll like what you see.
}
} Yours,
}
} T.I. Oracle
}
} encl.
} TIO/z
}
} SEINFELD
} "The Move"
}
} Teaser: Jerry and George are at their usual table at Monk's, discussing
} Jerry's new girlfriend.
}
} GEORGE: So, did you see Nadia last night?
}
} JERRY: Yeah, we went to see that movie where Air Force One is hijacked
} by vampires...it was okay, I guess. But she just wouldn't shut up for
} the entire movie!
}
} GEORGE: A movie talker, huh?
}
} JERRY: They're the worst!
}
} GEORGE: Tell me about it. What did she have to say that was so
} important?
}
} JERRY: Oh, just a bunch of nonsense..."Vampires wouldn't really do
} that", "Since when do you call two chopsticks held at an approximate
} right angle a crucifix?", things like that.
}
} GEORGE: Huh. (Pause.) Does this chicken smell right to you?
}
} Commercial. Scene 2, evening, at Jerry's apartment. Nadia (played by
} Elisa Lowensohn) is on the couch; Jerry is heard calling from the
} bedroom.
}
} JERRY: (offscreen) So what do you want to do tonight?
}
} NADIA: I don't know.
}
} JERRY: (appearing in doorway) Well, how about this Italian place?
} They've got this garlic chicken...
}
} NADIA: (makes hissing noise)
}
} JERRY: What?
}
} NADIA: I...don't like garlic.
}
} JERRY: Okay, so don't order it! Geez!
}
} Jerry walks into the living room, but as he is passing the front door,
} Kramer opens it and bashes him in the face.
}
} JERRY: Ow! My nose!
}
} KRAMER: Oh, sorry. You got any fruit?
}
} JERRY: No, I don't have any fruit! That's it -- I'm changing the
} lock! You're never going to come in here again without knocking!
}
} KRAMER: (appalled) But, Jerry --
}
} JERRY: I'm serious! You might have broken my nose! (He feels his
} nose, then notices blood on his fingers) I'm bleeding, I -- somebody
} get me a towel.
}
} NADIA: I'll take care of it.
}
} Nadia walks up to Jerry and licks all the blood off his nose while
} making "mmmm" noises, as if she were devouring a delicious meal.
} Startled reaction shots from Jerry and Kramer.
}
} Scene 3. Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's. They discuss Nadia's odd
} behavior and Jerry's banishment of Kramer, then:
}
} GEORGE: Well, I gotta go, I'm supposed to go to this kid's birthday
} party.
}
} JERRY: Whose?
}
} ELAINE: Yeah, since when do you know any kids?
}
} GEORGE: It's some relative, I don't know. Her name's Lucy. She's the
} niece of my cousin's brother-in-law or something. I really don't want
} to go -- I hear there's going to be a clown there. (Passionately) I
} hate clowns!
}
} JERRY: So why go, then?
}
} GEORGE: (Embarrassed pause) My parents are making me.
}
} ELAINE: (Laughs cruelly) Your _parents_? What are they gonna do,
} ground you?
}
} GEORGE: Har-de-har-har. I don't know what I was thinking, but I
} promised I would go, so I have to go.
}
} JERRY: Since when does the fact that you, George, promised to do
} something mean that you actually feel obliged to do it?
}
} ELAINE: Yeah, that's a new one for you.
}
} GEORGE: (Rising) George is getting angry! (He storms out.)
}
} ELAINE: Well, I have to go, too. I have a date.
}
} JERRY: Really. What's his name?
}
} ELAINE: Steve. And when I told this guy I wrote from the J. Peterman
} catalog? His eyes just lit up! Let me tell you, I am going to have
} this guy eating out of my hand!
}
} JERRY: (Sarcastically) Right. So tell me, what do you think about
} Nadia...
}
} ELAINE: ...And the bloody nose-licking? I don't know, sounds to me
} like you're dating a vampire.
}
} JERRY: Really?
}
} ELAINE: Could be.
}
} JERRY: (Horrified and intrigued at the same time) Hmmm.
}
} Scene 4. Lucy's birthday party. As George arrives, he is met by his
} parents, Frank and Estelle. A horrifying clown makes gurgling noises
} in the background.
}
} FRANK: You're late!
}
} GEORGE: Sorry.
}
} ESTELLE: (Shrilly) You've already missed half the party! Poundfoolish
} just finished making balloon animals.
}
} GEORGE: Poundfoolish?
}
} FRANK: (Overarticulating) That's the clown.
}
} GEORGE: Ah. (Waving to the clown) Hi.
}
} CLOWN: (Evilly) Here...have a balloon animal.
}
} GEORGE: Um...what is it?
}
} CLOWN: It's a three-headed hellbeast! (Laughs maniacally)
}
} ESTELLE: Come on, George, you'll miss the magic show!
}
} GEORGE: Um, you go ahead, I'll catch up.
}
} George's parents and the clown open the door to the next room, through
} which we see numerous laughing children, and enter, closing the door
} behind them. George is hiding the balloon hellbeast behind a pillow on
} the couch when he hears dozens of horrifying screams. He opens the
} door and sees blood spattered everywhere; Poundfoolish the clown waves
} at George and grins. George runs away screaming in a comical, girlish
} fashion. Commercial.
}
} Scene 5. Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are on the couch. There
} is a light rapping on the door.
}
} JERRY: Go away, Kramer!
}
} KRAMER: (Offscreen) Please, Jerry!
}
} JERRY: No!
}
} GEORGE: Why not let him in? We're not doing anything private here.
}
} JERRY: It's the principle of the thing. He's got to learn to fend for
} himself. So...your parents are dead?
}
} GEORGE: Apparently.
}
} JERRY: Well, isn't this what you've always dreamed of?
}
} GEORGE: Yeah, sure, but...I always imagined it would happen more
} peacefully. And the evil clown keeps following me around.
}
} JERRY: He didn't follow you here, did he?
}
} GEORGE: I don't think so.
}
} JERRY: Good, because I don't want to deal with an evil clown. So what
} are you going to do now?
}
} GEORGE: Well, I've got to figure out what to do with the house, for one
} thing.
}
} JERRY: The house, eh? (Pause.) The house! Could I stay there for a
} while? Like a month?
}
} GEORGE: Why?
}
} There is another light rapping at the door.
}
} KRAMER: (Offscreen) Jerry...please...
}
} JERRY: (Gesturing at the door) Isn't it obvious? I'm going crazy
} here.
}
} GEORGE: Yeah, all right. But you have to find someone else to help you
} move your stuff, I have a bad back.
}
} JERRY: No, you don't.
}
} GEORGE: That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Ask Elaine to help.
}
} JERRY: Actually, I haven't been able to get ahold of Elaine all day.
} I wonder how her date went.
}
} Cut to Scene 6. Elaine is sitting at a desk in front of a typewriter;
} her ankles are handcuffed to the chair. Her date, Steve, stands behind
} her.
}
} ELAINE: What do you want from me, Steve?
}
} STEVE: Do you remember J. Peterman's Australian Outback Trenchcoat?
}
} ELAINE: (Frightened) Well, sure I do -- we discontinued it six months
} ago. It wasn't very popular.
}
} STEVE: No! No, it wasn't discontinued! That didn't really happen!
}
} ELAINE: But --
}
} STEVE: I want you to write me a J. Peterman catalog entry...for the
} Australian Outback Trenchcoat. One that explains how it was never
} really discontinued. That it was all a mistake.
}
} ELAINE: But --
}
} STEVE: (Slamming his fist on the desk) Just type, dammit!
}
} Scene 7. Jerry is at his apartment, on the phone.
}
} JERRY: Nadia? Hi. Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you? I did? But it's
} 2:00 in the afternoon! Well, whatever. Anyway, do you think you could
} come over and help me move some stuff to this house I'm going to be
} staying at?
}
} (Cut to Nadia's apartment. All the windows are painted over, and she
} is sitting in a coffin.)
}
} NADIA: Um, I can't right now, Jerry. Daytime is really bad for me.
} What about sometime tonight?
}
} (Cut back to Jerry's apartment.)
}
} JERRY: Oh, that's okay, I can handle it myself. Thanks. (He hangs
} up. As he heads for the front door, suddenly someone knocks.) Kramer!
}
} KRAMER: I know you're in there, Jerry! (Jerry slowly backs away from
} the door.) Please, Jerry! I can't take it any more! Please let me
} in! I wrote a poem for you!
}
} He slides the poem under the door. Cautiously, Jerry picks it up. It
} reads "All my apartment and no Jerry's apartment makes Kramer a dull
} boy" over and over again. Reaction shot of Jerry, worried.
}
} Scene 8. George, wearing a trenchcoat, is strolling down the street.
} Poundfoolish the clown rounds a corner, carrying a handful of balloons
} and smiling maniacally. He advances on George. George freaks out and
} runs away, hollering.
}
} GEORGE: JERRY!!!!
}
} Scene 9. Jerry is still in his apartment, looking around like a
} trapped rat, while the knocking at the door continues. Without
} warning, it stops.
}
} JERRY: I think the coast is clear.
}
} He picks up a suitcase and begins carrying it towards the door.
} Suddenly, Kramer hacks a hole in the door with an axe and sticks his
} head through it.
}
} KRAMER: Heeeeeeeere's Cosmo!
}
} JERRY: Aaah!
}
} Jerry, in a panic, jumps out onto his fire escape and climbs toward the
} street as Kramer continues to hack his way through the door. Cut to
} exterior shot. As Jerry is climbing down the bottom of the fire
} escape, George runs around the corner, with Poundfoolish the clown (who
} is now wielding a giant machete) in hot pursuit. Jerry does not notice
} them, but as he jumps off the fire escape he lands on Poundfoolish, who
} stumbles, lands on his own machete, and is immediately killed. As he
} dies, he vanishes into nothingness.
}
} JERRY: Hey, George, what are you doing here?
}
} GEORGE: (Disoriented) Well, I was being chased by that -- ah, never
} mind.
}
} KRAMER: (Leaning his head out of Jerry's window and waving an apple)
} Hey, Jerry! Where'd you get these apples? They're delicious!
}
} JERRY: (To George, while dismissively waving at Kramer) Let's get out
} of here.
}
} Commercial. Final tag scene -- Elaine is reading her work to Steve,
} who is looking out the window.
}
} ELAINE: If you've ever been caught by Aborigines, you'll want something
} to barter with, and we've never found anything that isn't more globally
} loved than our best-selling item, the Australian Outback trenchcoat.
}
} Through the window, we see Jerry and George walk by. Steve notices
} George's trenchcoat.
}
} STEVE: Hey! That's an Australian Outback trenchcoat! Hey! You out
} there! (George and Jerry pause.) Isn't that the most comfortable
} trenchcoat you've ever worn? (George and Jerry shrug, keep walking.)
} Hey, come back!
}
} Steve runs out the door after them.
}
} ELAINE: Hey! What about me?
}
} After a pause in which it is clear that Steve is not coming back,
} Elaine stands up and hops out the door, the chair still cuffed to her
} ankles.
}
} THE END
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated here as Francis Heaney) a date with
} Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
