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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, so like I just broke up with my girl.  She said she liked me and she > liked being with me but she's been hurt too many times before so she > doesn't wanna.  What am I supposed to do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a moment, I'll see what I can find out... } } % rlogin [name of girl omitted] -l oracle } } Welcome to [name omitted]'s brain! } } Message from operator!console... } Greetings, oh powerful one! What is thy bidding? } } % msg operator "I have been asked to give a decision about this person }     from one of my users. I need information." } % } } Message from operator!console... } Yes, great one! What do you need to know? } } % msg operator "I need read access to /usr/control and all of its }     contents." } % } } Message from operator!console... } One moment... } } Message from operator!console... } Done. May I serve you in any other way, Sir? } } % msg operator "No, go about your business." } % } } Message from operator!console... } Just call if you need anything! } } % cd /usr/control } % cat thought_pattern } B23y98xcb982ry9x283912fdhsdjh(@*&$^()*@(*B^)Z*@N&9-0mzr-2093crm90238c12 } sdfnbiasdbfipashYPINW(*^BC(Y#(QWGHAISUHDNCIUYMR(X*YR(YPRAMYWIPARIHIRUFH } {}[]{|'\>\>/.>"?>{PALK<_)*C#@)(#MX*(@YBN^#@N&(XM^&*TZ&*MYIYWUIYR)(Y(*YN }       . }       . }       . }       [this continued for several hundred lines] }       . }       . }       . } ^C } % msg operator "Thank you - I have found what I needed." } % } } Message from operator!console... } No problem! Anything for the Usenet Oracle! } } % logout } Connection closed. } } I'm afraid there's nothing but garbage in her head.  Attempt to } straighten her out.  If you are successful, you will be very happy with } her.  If not, no loss, you would get nothing but garbage (Garbage } In-Garbage Out) from her anyway. } } You owe the Oracle nothing.  This one's on me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you do anything other than answer our stupid questions?  What are > your hobbies?  What do you do for a living?  What do you do with Lisa???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't just answer your stupid questions!  I answer the stupid } questions of world leaders too!  The Reagans constantly ask me "What do } the stars say we should do?" Donald Trump sends me at least one question } a week, asking what color of building he should buy next.  And of } course, I recently advised Gorbachev to let Lithuania secede from the } union, and to get Raisa chunky peanut butter instead of creamy, because } she likes it better and poor Mickey hasn't been getting any lately.  I } enjoy answering your questions more, since my advice to world leaders } usually deals with sensitive topics and far-reaching implications that } make me nervous; besides, your questions cost the net hundreds if not } thousands of dollars to send everywhere, and I get 50% of the take. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for sending more than one question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great semi-wise one, > > What happened to all the dragons and where did they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too many knights having to rescue too many fair maidens by killing too } many dragons so they could make too many babies and send the world } toward the crisis it faces now. } } Either that or they tended to spontaneously combust. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation why unicorns only let virgins ride } them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Why can't Bruce Springsteen becoming a dad be used as an accurate > predictor of the world's imminent demise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let see if if it really is not such a bad predicator of the future } demise of the world. Let's see if who we should ask. } } (Pulls out Time Machine Terminal) } } Mail Oracle at iuvax.cs.indiana.edu in 16.Jan.2040 } Subject: Tellme oh wise oracle } Oh Great Oracle. (And I should certainly know) What are the } consequences of Bruce Springtein becoming a dad. } EOF } } <Mail Recieved from the year 2040> } From: The Great Oracle } Subject: Your Question } Sorry but the oracle is down for repairs momentarily due to the } premptive nuclear strike launched by President Springstein. } You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker. } EOF } } You owe the Oracle a Nuclear Fallout Bunker.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why did he do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He didn't really want to, but she offered him her body if he would do } it, and then they said that they would beat him to a pulp if he didn't, } and then the government decided to tax people who refused, and then an } archangel bearing a flaming sword came and explained in golden, gentle, } merciful terms that he really had to do it, and then the devil appeared } to him and showed him the fate awaiting him in hell if he didn't do it, } and then the ghost of socrates came to explain it to him from first } principles, and then the spanish inquisition showed up much to his } surprise.  that's why he did it. } } so he tried the green eggs and ham, and they were actually pretty good. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A MORAL.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no.  Not another one of these stupid questions.  You know, even the } Oracle gets tired of these dumb circular loop questions.  I told you } last time you mailed me one of these idiotic questions to stop playing } with that home lobotomy kit, but did you listen?  Nooooooooo!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What must i do to become recognised as a net.legend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must write a theory explaining the connection between Jolt Cola and } cold fusion.  This must explain all known and unknown effects of Jolt } (such as being able to stay awake longer than a trucker, having the } mental power of SuperHacker, etc.).  You must explain how to use cold } fusion to power a PC to lower the power bill.  You must tell The Oracle } all this before you tell anyone else. } } You owe The Oracle all of the above.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when`s the next woodstock gonna b?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, word has it that Snoopy is getting really sick and tired of the } current Woodstock.  The Oracle predicts that Snoopy will wrap the little } shit of a bird up in Linus' blanket and drown him in the birdbath. } Theres also a possibility he'll trade him to the neighbor's cat in } exchange for some piece and quiet...or use him in some ploy to nab the } entire 'birdscout' troop. } } Of course, once the current Woodstock is gone, C.  Schultz will have to } come up with a new one within 2 or 3 weeks...He may not want to, but, } its in Snoopy's contract... } } You owe the Oracle a tye dye shirt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is _Little Debbie Does Dingdongs_ a kind of junk food or a pornography > movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see. Ah, here is the TV-guide listing: } } (1 star) } A cute, innocent young girl named Debbie steals a ding-dong from her } mother, and immediately becomes addicted.  At first she steals bites out } of her mother's ding dongs, but fearful she'll get caught soon she is } sucking her entire allowance into her mouth as ding dongs.  Eventually } she cannot support her growing habit, and embarks on a life of crime to } pay for ever-increasing numbers of ding dongs that give her ever shorter } ding-dong highs.  Debbie realizes she must get help one black day when } she becomes so fat she cannot get out of bed.  Sadly, Debbie dies of } cardiac arrest in a home for the criminally obese. } } Hmm, sounds like a "war on drugs" propaganda piece for children to me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           every  now and zen something really >                           bizarre happens to me like today  i >                           was      watching     some     road >                          construction on third and they  had >                         those   flashing   lights   on  the >                        things and  i  was  really  getting >                       into  the  rhythm  but a little too >                      well  because  i  must   have   got >                     hypnotized  or something and i just >                    wandered  around  until  i   bumped >                   into  some frat guy i said sorry he >                  said go to hell so i really  wanted >                 to   try  but  i  had  to  ask  the >                direction big mistake next thing  i >               know  im  having  a rather pleasant >              dream you know the  kind  i  really >             shouldnt  tell  you  about  but  it >             doesnt matter because she  insisted >             on  safe sex but i forgot my helmet >             so thats when the  nightmare  began >             at  first  i could only use csh and >              then i had to use  rn  but  it  was >               just  too  much  to  take when they >                made  me  use  emacs  and  i   just >                 started   screaming  and  screaming >                  until i bolted awake  all  drenched >                   and  yelled  is  the mike on is the >                    mike on and it  was  and  some  guy >                     was   calling  number  9  number  9 >                      number 9 i only had 6  so  is  this >                       bizarre   yes   i  needed  to  take >                        solace in my navel lint  collection >                         but  to  my  horror it was gone and >                          they left  behind  gobs  of  vacuum >                           cleaner  lint  oh so gross im going >                           to vomit by now my  mind  had  been >                           in  every  possible  state except i >                           guess north  dakota  so  id  better >                           ask the great oracle something real >                          quick but my shift keys broke  both >                         really  even  the lock sheesh and i >                        began to worry that they forgot  me >                       when  it  struck  me  i  was upside >                      down and i had 9  but  it  was  too >                     late  now  i  was really in trouble >                    id  better  quit   for   now   help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're doing fine.  It'll wear off any minute now. } } You owe the oracle a csh script.