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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most magnificent oracle, I love thee dearly > > This is the story of about 15 minutes of my Friday night in a > taxi-cab.  I have attempted to preserve every bit of dialogue. > > Alison:       The Intercontinental on Michigan, please. > Cabbie:       Sure thing. > (about five minutes pass in near silence, the jazz on the radion is > near inaudible) > C:    You cook with a microwave? > A:    Nope, hate'em.  Can't stand 'em.  Don't even have one > at home. > C:    Well, they won't let you have a hot plate at the YMCA. > You got to cook in a microwave. > A:    I see. > C:    I just started using plastic wrap.  You ever use plastic > wrap? > A:    I am familiar with it, yes. > C:    Well, I wrapped my chicken in plastic wrap, then i micro- > waved it. > A:    Really?  It didn't get tough? > C:    No, it was so tender.  I thought the plastic would melt at > first, but it didn't. > A:    Amazing. > C;    The steak was even better. > A:    Steak? > C:    Yeah, I cooked the steak with the plastic wrap, and it was > delicious. > A:    Hmmm. > C:    I never used to be able to eat microwave cooking.  I would > throw up. > A:    That can't be good. > C:    No, but these new microwaves - the Y just got them - these > new ones are great.  I don't throw up. > A:    Wow. > C:    I made the steak with scrambled eggs and rice.  I took almost > a 3/4 stick of butter and put it in with the eggs and the rice. > A:    Are you trying to kill yourself eating like that? > C:    I don't eat it everyday.  I have it only every couple of > months. It's like pork.  I don't eat pork everday.  Gives me a > nosebleed. > A:    A nosebleed? > C:    Yeah, one time I had ham on one day, and Italian sausage the > next, and breakfast sausage, and a pork roast, and some chitterlings. > About a week later, I had a nosebleed. > A:    Hmmm... > C:    One day, I sat down and ate a whole roast. > A:    See, you are trying to kill yourself. > C:    You don't know me.  I can't resist a sale.  I got that roast > at 98 cents a pound.  I couldn't believe it.  I go to the market > everday. It's never been that cheap. > A:    And you ate the whole thing? > C:    I didn't know I ate the whole thing.  I was too drunk to > remember.  I woke up, and thought, "Damn, I left the roast in the > oven." So, when I went to get it out, there wasn't even gravy left. > A:    Because you ate it? > C:    Yeah, I ate the whole thing.  That's why I take notes. > A:    Notes? > C:    Yeah, you got to take notes when you drink, so when you black > out, nobody can say that you acted crazy the night before.  You got > everything written down. > A:    You drink until you black out? > C:    Not all the time I don't...  I got a problem...  I can't > drink nothing else. > A:    Huh? > C:    I can't take the chemicals they put in the water.  I swell up > and get all itchy.  Get bumps all over me.  Can't drink no water, no > milk, no juice, no nothing. > A:    What do you drink? > C:    Got to drink beer made the old-fashioned way.  They say it's > made with spring water, and they're the only ones that ain't lying. I > tried every kind of water, tap water, spring water, I tried this kind > and that kind. > A:    They all have chemicals? > C:    Yup.  It's some kind of thing to kill the bacteria.  And they > all have it. That's why I gotta drink old-fashioned. > A:    Have you tried distilled water? > C:    Yup. > A:    Did you try a Britta filter? > C:    I tried a Britta, some kind of Culligan system, and my friend > paid $1200 for his system, and he brought me over to try it.  Nope. > Swelled up. > A:    Unbelievable. > C:    I've been living like this for 27 years.  I can't drink > nothing. > A:    Have you ever had allergy testing? > C:    I tried everything.  Doctors told me I had excema, they told > me I had acne, one even told me I had skin cancer. > A:    How did you figure it out?  I mean, water is in everything. > C:    Well, once when I was on welfare, I got an extra check, and I > was drinking for days and days.  I just kept going until my skin > cleared up. I couldn't believe it.  No one could believe it.  Then, > after a while, I drank some tap water, and the whole thing happened > again.  My girlfriend woke up and saw me, and started screaming, cuz I > was so swollen up. > > Was I supposed to learn something from this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That Chicago's "Big Shoulders" apparently support a tiny little brain. } } You owe the Oracle some distilled beer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Rats.....(Nauru Island) >      Pigs.....(New Hebrides Islands) >      Snails.....(Paraguay) >      Rice.....(Phillipines) >      Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands) >      Coconuts.....(Car Nicobar) >      Boar Tusks.....(New Guinea) >      Whale's Teeth.....(Fiji) >      Dog's Teeth.....(Solomon Islands)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, Next time you try copying one of my recipes, make sure you } get the ingredients and quantities right. Heres the full recipe. I just } hope you havent killed yourself yet. } } The Oracles Recipe for } Stuffed Rat Intestine Surprise! } (makes 2 portions, health nuts can go whine to the FDA) } } 2      Rats, fresh...........(Nauru Island) } 3      Pigs, Pickled.........(New Hebrides Islands) } 13     Snails................(Paraguay) } 2 lbs  Rice..................(Phillipines) } 24     Songbird Feathers.....(Santa Cruz Islands) } 2      Coconuts..............(Car Nicobar) } 4      Boar Tusks (ground)...(New Guinea) } 5      Killer Whale's Teeth..(Fiji) }        Lard..................(US Congress) }        Vinegar...............(Paris) }        Oregano...............(Oregano) }        Baking Soda...........(Soda Springs) }        Rubbing Alcohol.......(Yankee Stadium) }        Ground Dog's Teeth....(Solomon Islands) } } Gut your rats, being carefull not to damage the intestines. You can } keep all the organs and bones for soup stock which you can can and sell } to any local SuperMarket. Then wash the intestines in warm Rubbing } Alcohol, making sure that the Membrane expands to its full length and } diameter (should be about 30 Feet by 1 inch. each). Rinse, and rub with } Republican Lard to prevent decay or any other motion whatsoever, then } wrap in plastic foil and keep cooled. } If youre Pigs are not Pickled yet, please do so now, referring to the } instructions published by Og in Ogs cookbook: "Beat food over head". } Now simmer the pigs in Oregano Water for 24 days, adding the Ground } Boars Tusk on the 18th Day to ensure thickening. If this did not result } in a thick white paste, start over, because the intestines will be } useless by the time you get another batch going due to Democratic } Drift. } Increase heat and add the Snails (deshelled), Rice, and ground Coconut } Shell (toss the meat and the juice, its worthless), and cook till the } rice is nice and tender. } Strain out the Snails and run them through a Blender set at } Thermonuclear Holocaust, to make sure they have lost all of the latent } poisons, and glow nicely. Re-add the snail mixture to the paste and } stir at low heat untill the entire pot (the pot, not the paste) has a } reading of 400mRad. You may need to add some water to keep the fluid } viscous. } Now for the most important part: Take the Killer whales teeth and } fashion a flat utensil out of them, becuase during this stage you } cannot touch the mixture or it will loose all its airiness. Seperate } the paste into two equal portions, and tie off one end of each } intestine. Into one batch, pour 1 part vinegar for each 4 parts paste } (size may vary by Tusk). Into the other, add 1 part of baking soda for } each 2 parts of paste. Mix thoroughly, adding dogs teeth to taste. } Now, fill each intestine with the paste and use whatevers left to } irradiate small farming communities, then Tie off the Intestines. } At this point, for presentation, you may want to divide the intestines } into smaller portions, depending on how many people you want to ki.... } uh, feed. You can also do Celtic Weaving, Crocheing, Sowing, or make } Baloon animals with it, but be sure that the 2 different intestine } types always stay right next to each other. } Serve with a nice Chianti or a bottle of Mutagen... Oh, and dont forget } to Duck. } } You owe the Oracle a small irradiated Farming community so he can } finally get the final ingredient to 'Great Balls of Fire', a recipe } involving whole Brains of differing species and *lots* of alcohol.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, some time ago I was 21. Suddenly I'm 28! What the hell went > wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear $num, } } Nothing is wrong little variable, that is your nature.  You'll find } your value changing constantly over time, one time the program will be } run and you'll be 21, next time 28. Sometimes you may find yourself } undefined or zeroed out, but don't let that dismay you, as long as the } code you're in continues to be useful to the wetware you'll find } yourself changing all the time. Why you can even change during the } course of the program.  And if you're lucky, some day you might even } find another variable assigned to you or you could become part of an } array! So chin up $num! It's part of life. } } until (/$later/), } } Orrie } } You owe the Oracle a useful error message.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Serene, > > There's a tap-tap-tapping coming from my head. What could it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like your values are shot. Gonna have to have a value job. } } It's easy to fix. Here's the steps: } }    * The head is disassembled. } }    * The head is put in a 300+ oven to remove blood, old ideas, dirt, }      and alcohol damaged neurons. } }    * If the head is a 1960 or older model, it is then put in the }      double-ought shot blaster. If the head is newer than 1960 it is }      put in the styrofoam blaster. These blasters will remove any }      remaining debris from the head. } }    * Each value is inspected for wear and damage. Values can be }      damaged in a number of ways. Mostly due to abuse such as holding }      two violently opposing ideas in the same part of the brain, like }      Al Gore is alive/Al Gore is, well, Al Gore. } }    * Each value that is damaged must be refaced and the angles }      re-cut. Do not play any music or hum while doing this or that tune }      may be permanently imprinted in the value. [NOTE:  Purposely }      embedding a tune in a value is a federal offense!] } }    * Grease up a new gasket, and slap it back together. } } There you go supplicant. You owe the Oracle a snappy jingle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who can pull an all-nighter whenever he needs to. > > Why do we need to sleep?  It seems so inefficient to waste so much > time doing nothing.  Will this be fixed in the next system upgrade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's when your brain is doing backups.  That's why minor brain } injuries sometimes don't cause major problems -- there were extra } copies of information and programs stored somewhere in there. } } In the next system upgrade, even more vital data will be backed } up, it will run 60% faster, and there will be an index so that } you never have to spend time trying to remember something -- } you'll immediately be able to look it up.  This will be in } Brain2095, which should become available sometime late in 2107.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, my terminal just blinks. > I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues . > I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. > > My head spins from Virtual Reality. > I don't have Video on demand. > I can't read my Personal Newspaper, > And Shop At Home has kinks. > I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues. > I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, you don't know NOTHING `bout no blues... } } [ Oracle pulls out a shiny, jet electric guitar, the house lights }   dim... Lisa is on bass, Og on drums. ] } } Oracle: going to do the blues, going to do Red House... } } [ Ear-shattering feedback as the ORACLE GETS DOWN! ] } } |-----11----11----------11----11----11-| } |-/10-10----------10----10----10----10-| } |-/11----11----11----11----11----11----| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } } |-------10----10-----10-----10-----10--| } |-10/9--9-----9---9--9------9---9--9---| } |-11/10----10-----------10---------10--| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } |--------------------------------------| } }         There's a rhod house over yonder. }         That's where my ungrateful followers stays. }         Steve, there's a rhod house over yonder, }         Steve, that's where my ungrateful followers stays. }         I ain't been there to see my ungrateful followers }         In ninety-nine and one half days. } } |------------------------------|-------------------7------9-7---------| } |-----10'~~10'~~10'~~10'~~-----|--10'-10-10'-10'-7---10-7-----10-7----| } |----------10---10---10--------|-------------9---------------------9'-| } |------------------------------|--------------------------------------| } |-9----------------------------|--------------------------------------| } |-7----------------------------|--------------------------------------| } }         Wait a minute, something's wrong here, }         The pgp key won't unlock this file. }         Wait a minute, something's wrong, }         Kinzler have mercy, this pgp key won't unlock this file. }         Something's gone wrong here-- }         I have a bad, bad feeling }         That my ungrateful followers think I won't show them the door. } }         That's alright--I still got my guitar. } }  [ Oracle RIPS into a skin-tingling solo ] } } |---------------10-12'---10-------10'-| } |----12-12~~12~~------------12~~~-----| } |-11----------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------| } } |----------14'---14-12-14--10-12-12'--10h12p10----10h12p10----| } |-------12-------------------------------------12----------12-| } |-11/13-------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } |-------------------------------------------------------------| } } |-10h12p10----10-12'---10h12p10---------7--------------------| } |----------12-------------------12-10'--7-7-7h10p7-----------| } |--------------------------------------------------9-7---7/8-| } |------------------------------------------------------9-----| } |------------------------------------------------------------| } |------------------------------------------------------------| } } |------7------9p7---10p7---10p7----... } |----7---10p7-----9------7------7--... } |-9'-------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } |----------------------------------... } }         Well, I might as well go back over yonder }         Way back among the hills. }         Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. }         Kinzler, I might as well go back over yonder }         Way back yonder across the hills. } }         `cause if my ungrateful followers don't luv me no more, }         I know September's next batch will.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my wife being naughty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, she is. } } I wish all the other supplicants were as quick and willing to pay the } Oracle as you are, generous supplicant.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle who could rent a car with his bare hands if he wished > to do so, please answer my question; > > How does one care for a paper tiger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, but don't use my mom's good scissors. } } you owe the oracle a way out of my room

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey there, Orrie most global, tell me this: > > What's the point of America ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mt. McKinley in Alaska at 20,320 ft. (6164 meters). } } You owe the Oracle an ice-pick and a Yeti.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> String?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frayed knot.