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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHORUS }     Don't it always seem to go }     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone }     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. }     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot) } } They took all the words, put 'em in a word museum } And they Digested the best, put 'em on-line so you can see 'em } } CHORUS }     Don't it always seem to go }     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone }     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. }     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot) } } Hey supplicant, put away that I.B.M. now } Give me Oracular wisdom but leave the null question, please } Please } } CHORUS }     Don't it always seem to go }     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone }     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. }     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot) } } "You've got mail" I heard the program say } And a big empty question ruined my whole day } } CHORUS (x2) }     Don't it always seem to go }     That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone }     You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. }     (Choo    zot zot zot zot, choo    zot zot zot zot) } } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. }     (Choo    zot zot zot zot) } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } } ~~~ } You owe the Oracle a dollar and a half...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dentally perfect Oracle, whose teeth only need brushing once a year, > yet stay pearly white, who knows everything there is to know about > everything, how do they make toothpaste come out of the tube striped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Segregation!  STOP DENTAL APARTHEID NOW!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings Wise Oracle! You are wonderful on a summer day, and cold > winter night and all the times in between. > > How can one tell if a melon is ripe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thump.  Sniff.  Poke the little stem end to see if it gives. } } Or do what the Oracle does and drop it on the floor.  If it looks ripe } inside, it probably is.  Repeat as necessary until you get the perfect } melon. } } You owe the Oracle a particularly obsequious priest to clean up the } mess.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,you are the key to the secrets of the universe, > >   Does the ouija board really allow you to talk to the dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } Not in and of itself, the board is just a tool. } } You need to first get a MoDead. Plug the MoDead into a free slot on the } board, (consult the documentation that came with your board to make } sure you get a MoDead that is compatible with your board.) } } Then you need to subscribe to an DSP (a Dead Summoning Provider). Make } sure that it is one that it uses a GS (Ghosting System) you can } communicate with in your language of choice. Connecting to the wrong } ghost is almost more frustrating than not connecting to a ghost at all. } It won't do to be talking to dead French Christians if you were looking } for dead Cree-speaking Animalists now would it? } } If you have troubles there are many self-help books out there[1]. } Or you can buy ouijas all set up. } Or best of all; invite the neighbor kid over to help you. } } You owe the Oracle Houdini's #. } } [1] "Conjuring for Dummies", by Thrall and De'Athly }     "Raising Spirits in 10 Easy Steps", by Rob Graves (no relation) }     "My First Book on Summoning", by Tom B. Stone }     "You too Can Have a Familiar", by Kelly Tonnes }     "Summoning in a NutsHell", by O'Deadly Associates.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle who knows both the instantaneous speed _and_ position > of any given electron; > I have heard of heard of a variety of atomic weapon that destroy > populations without damaging property or terrain. What kind of > weapon is this and how does it achieve this dastardly act?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   You're refering to the neutron bomb [0], a low-yield thermonuclear }   explosive designed as an antipersonnel weapon that produces minimal }   blast damage and radioactive fallout. } }   But neutron bombs are old hat. } }   Current thinking is that if you want to destroy populations without }   damaging property or terrain give them unlimited cable access [1]. }   After one generation the population will be so over-weight and }   brain-dead all you'll have to do is turn off the electricity for a }   fortnight and they will die in droves. } }   You owe the Oracle a library card with your name on it. } }   [0] see "Enhanced-Radiation Weapons,' by Fred M. Kaplan; SCIENTIFIC }       AMERICAN, May, 1978. }   [1] see channels 1 through 9999

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please except this hand woven pot-holder as an expression of > admiration, approval and respect, Wise Oracle. > > Jack and I were thinking of going up the hill to get a pail of water, > but, well, I have a vague uneasy feeling about this whole affair. > Should I go up the hill with Jack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't do it.  Jack is up to his old tricks.  Worse, the only form of } contraception he knows involves vinegar and brown paper.  Don't go } there. } } You owe the Oracle a crack-free crown.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise; > > Which was first LIFE or TIME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the beginning, there was The Watchtower. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Impressive is the Oracle, he is proper and desired, and nothing at all > like unswept painted pavement, nay, he is like a imposing elegant > castle full of lavish arts and bright-colored paintings! > > Should I follow in my father's foot steps and be a bail-bondsman or > follow my dreams to be Johnny Banana-seed wandering the world with my > banjo singing and planting bananas everywhere I go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you it's best to follow your heart } and take the road that leads to your dream. To be a simple bail-bondsman } would not be befitting of someone such as yourself. (Besides, if you put } a 33-word, commaless sentence on your resume, you'll NEVER get a job) } } By the power vested in me by the very nature of my being... } I endow thee with the name of "Johnny Banana-seed"! } } Haunting, heavenly male choir:      Haunting, heavenly female choir: } ---------------------------------   ------------------------------------ } He... is... Johnny...               Oh Johnny...      Johnny'O } He... will be... Johnny...          Yes, Johnny, O'Johnny yes, yes, yes! } Johnny! Ba! Na! Na! Seed!           He's bananas! Completely Ba-na-na- }                                       na-nas! } } Ba!                                 Na! } Ba!                                 Nana! } Na na-na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na    Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba... na... na! } Ba!                                 Na! } Ba!                                 Nanana! } } Agnus dei, quid tolis pecata mundi  Miserere nobis. Miserere nobis. } Dona, dona, dona  nobis             Nobis, nobis, nobis pacem } Kyrie, Kyrie, Kryie eleison         Christe, Christe, Christe eleison } } Go forth dear supplicant, and shed thy glorious banjo-induced happiness } throughout the earth! } } You owe the Oracle a dedication in you Opus #1.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle whose knowledge is to that of all mankinds' like the Oort > Cloud is to a teapot's steam. > > How does one develop a photographic memory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, once you've taken all the pictures your brain will hold, you have } to remove it from its casing. Don't just open the skull, or you will } expose the brain to light, and your pictures will be ruined! Instead, } firmly stick your thumb in your bottom to unlock the spindle, then turn } your nose anti-clockwise to roll up your brain until you feel no more } resistance. Take a buzzsaw and open the skull at the top. Remove the } rolled-up brain, put it in a black bowler hat, put a hubcap on top of } it to keep the light out, and take it to your nearest } photograph-developer. He'll take your brain and give you a ticket. You } can usually pick up your developed pictures the next day. Some shops } will give you a free brain when you pay for your pictures, so you can } start snapping away again! } } You owe the Oracle a panoramic brain, for those wide shots of Lisa } languishing on a temple bed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is.... uhm, wise, and... beautiful, yeah, as... > and who is as good as... well, a very good thing, I guess... > > Dammit, Oracle, I'm just not funny anymore! Look at what I just wrote! > Diseased woodchucks with their intestines threaded through their ears > could write a better grovel than that! And my questions.... <shudder> > I can't bear to think about it. Would you believe that I was seriously > contemplating asking you why donuts can't fly? As for my Incarnating, > well, my pet rock has been digested more often than I have. > > It didn't use to be this way, Oracle. What's wrong with me? What's > happening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Know thy self supplicant! Know thy self. . .consult the } flow chart below and honestly tell yourself which path } you are on. Where are you heading, Who are you? There } lies the answer. . . } } ================================================================= } }  The stages of the development of the average supplicant/incarnation } }                      has heard of The Oracle }                                 | }                     finds rec.humor.oracle }                                 | }          sends in a question, is baffled to get sent a question }                            | }  replies to 1st question<--+----> no reply to 1st question------+ }             |                                                   | }             +-----------------------------+                     | }  writes something lame       writes something funny             | }             |                              |                    | }  is proud<--+--> is ashamed                +--------------------+ }      |                |                                         | }      |                +-----------------------------------------+ }      |                                                          | }  gets juno/hotmail/aol/yahoo account                            | }      |                                                          | }   proceeds to queue draining              +---------------------+ }      |                                    | }      |                             finds Oracle web site }   starts writing lame questions           | }      |                                    | }      |         does not study archives<---+----> studies archives }      |                  |                             | }      |                  |        starts writing better questions/answers }      |                  |                             | }      +------------+-----+-----------------------------+ }                   | } is having fun<----+-------> gets tired of Oracle ----> wanders off }       | }       +--->discovers rec.humor.oracle.d }                         | }     +-------------------+----------------------+ }     |                   |                      | } loves rhod          bored w/rhod      is repulsed by rhod }     |                   |                      | } gets into in-jokes   misses in-jokes     hates in-jokes }     |                   |                      | }     +-------------------+----------------------+ }                         | }    writing gets worse<--+---->writing gets better }           |                           | }  becomes lame incarnation             | }     |                                 | }     |    tolerates lame incarnations<-+->gets tired of lame incarnations }     |                 |                               | }     |                 |                          quits, moves on }     |                 +-----------------+ }     |                                   | }     |                    gets digested<-+->does not get digested }     |                          |                 | }     |                          +-- works harder--+ }     |                                  | }     |                   gets digested<-+->does not get digested }     |                          |                 | }     |                     works harder          quits }     |                          | }     |     does not get a life<-+-> gets a life -----> quits }     |                | }     +-------+--------+ }             | }     full-time incarnation/supplicant } } ================================================================= } } You owe The Oracle a way to get thru to incarnations that if they } are producing tons of answers they are on the lame incarnation path. } *Quality*, not quantity team!