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} (High school classroom; night. Several adults of varying ages, all
} but one of whom are drunk, are sitting in the chairs, many of whom are
} squinting from the bring fluorescent lights in the ceiling.)
}
} Oracle: *taps yardstick on chalkboard* Okay, people, settle down. Can
} I have your attention please? Thank you. This is Night School course
} 07-102, Public Drunkenness. I see most of you have done your homework
} for this evening... except for *you*, Mr. Phelpps. Did you read the
} directions on the assignment?
}
} Mr. Phelpps: Yep Sure YouBetcha I sure did Yep I read the instructions
} right down to the last letter In fact I read them several times they
} were so interesting I mean these things were fabulous I couldn't put
} them down They kept me up all night It was a real page-turner I tell
} ya It was great It kept me amused I had a great time doing this
} homework assignment Mr Oracle Sir.
}
} Oracle: Let me see that. (Takes paper off Mr. Phelpps desk.) Oh, I
} see. You must have gotten the assignment from 07-201, Intermediate
} Uppers: Pills, Smoking, and Injecting. All right, you're excused for
} this evening's class. But make sure you get the correct assignment
} for next week's class.
}
} Mr. Phipps: Thank you Sir You're very kind I really appreciate your
} kindness I'll be sure to get the right assignment this time You Betcha
} I'll be right on the ball this time For sure I won't mess up again --
}
} Oracle: Right, thank you.
}
} (Mr. Phipps leaves. Oracle closes the door behind him.)
}
} Oracle: Did anybody else do the wrong assignment tonight? It doesn't
} look like it. Good. Okay, let's move on to what we've learned since
} last week. Who wants to go first?
}
} (Supplicant raises his hand, slowly and unsteadily.)
}
} Oracle: Oh good. Yes, what did you learn this week?
}
} Supplicant: I mannnageeedd to make sssshheven sssshots of whisshhhkky
} keep me dddrunk for shhheventeen hoursssh. Wassh it shheventeen? No,
} wait, maybe it wassh shhixteeenn hoursssh...
}
} Oracle: Well, in any case, that's very impressive. What brand of
} whiskey were you drinking?
}
} Supplicant: (quietly) Shheventeen? Let'ssh shheee... nine-o'clock PM,
} minusssh shheventeen hoursshh... ishhh...
}
} Oracle: Never mind, we'll come back to you later.
}
} (The classroom door opens. Lisa enters, carrying a stack of
} mimeographed papers.)
}
} Lisa: Here's the homework for next week, Orrie.
}
} (One of the students lets out a wolf whistle at Lisa. Another howls
} like a wolf. Oracle spins quickly to look at the class, just as the
} noises stop.)
}
} Oracle: All right, WHO DID THAT?!
}
} Student: Ddddid wwwwhat?
}
} Oracle: I DISTINCTLY heard a wolf whistle! Now WHO DID IT!?
}
} Student: Washhhn't me. It washh him. (Points to supplicant.)
}
} Supplicant: shhheventeen hourshhh...
}
} Oracle: If there's one thing I *can't stand*, it's liars. Oh yes, and
} w**dch**k jokes.
}
} Student: You mean, "How muchhh wood could --"
}
} *** ZOT ***
}
} Oracle: Yes, that joke. (Blows smoke off the tip of Staff of Zot.)
} Thanks for running these off for me, Lisa.
}
} Lisa: No problem, Orrie. (She leaves.)
}
} Oracle: Okay, here's your homework for next week. Remember, you don't
} have to purchase your alcohol through the University, but it's cheaper
} than going elsewhere and I can't guarantee the quality otherwise. Are
} there any more questions before we end tonight's class?
}
} Another student: Yeah, whhere'd ya get that cute chhhickk you doessh
} your copiessh for ya? I bet sssshhe'd love to --
}
} *** ZOT ***
}
} Oracle: And let that be a lesson to all of you. Just because you're
} drunk, doesn't mean that women will like you better. Okay, that does
} it for this week. Have a good weekend.
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