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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This morning I caught my son in his bedroom doing something I almost > don't want to talk about.  He was, he was being an Incarnation, and > ANSWERING Oracular questions!  Isn't there something I can do, short of > removing his computer, to keep him from this vile habit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, ma'am, you need to be aware that an invasion of privacy } is a crime in this country, and is punishable by large fines and } lengthy jail terms.  Just because he lives in your house, pays no } rent, has no job, doesn't even pick up his dirty underwear from the } bathroom floor, he *is* 28 years old, and is by all accounts, an } adult. } } Second, ma'am, even if he decides to press no charges, you ought to be } more careful about barging in on him when he's in the room, alone, } making no audible noises.  He might be doing unspeakable things, } things no mother wants to see her kids doing, like (gasp) checking the } classified ads for jobs or applying for scholarships.  You don't want } to have that kind of thing haunting you forever, do you? } } Anyhow, you need to remind him that that sort of thing can cause } unsightly hair growth on his typing fingers, blindness (from the glare } of the screen), impotency (those rays being emitted from the computer } do some damage) and other side effects.  A good way to dissuade him } from this disgusting and immoral behavior might be to take him down to } the local chapter of the Dungeons and Dragons lodge and show him what } a computer geek he'll turn into if he continues his dirty habit. } } You owe the Oracle some of his witty answers (as long as he doesn't } use Juno or Hotmail).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people feel compelled to look at dried mucus they pick out > of their nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To determine the best way to prepare it before consumption. } } The water content of mucus extracted from the nasal passageways can be } represented as a one dimensional axis, and the most appropriate } culinary preparation located at points on the axis. Due to ASCII } limitations with your Oracular interface, I will represent the } dimension as a table: } } % H2O   DESCRIPTION           RECOMMENDED PREPARATION } } 000     Rock hard and dry     Lightly sauteed in white wine } } 020     Solid but malleable   Deep fried and served with rice } } 040     Solid but connected   Grilled. Ensure the connecting tendril of }         to the nostril via    060 is boiled. }         a piece of 060 } } 050     A balance between     Not recommended to be consumed, due to }         000 and 100. Often    contamination with the particulate. It }         looks like 060-090    MUST be prepared only by qualified chefs. }         with particulate      If incorrectly prepared, may be fatal. }         matter.               Drink a glass of water. Do not induce }                               vomiting. Seek medical advice. } } 060     Elastic nature        Boiling. A pinch of salt, and add brussels }         with a more slimy     sprouts after five minutes. Cook until }         feel to it            sprouts ready, drain and serve }                               immediately. } } 080     Thick water.          Baked in the oven. Some nuclear reactors }                               now use type 080 mucus in place of heavy }                               water, with good results. } } 100     Liquid                Squeezed out of the hanky into glass for }                               drinking } } You owe the Oracle a recipe for cerumen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, In The Sky, In My Eye, Up The Spout And Round About.... > > How much can a condom be streched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Farther than you will _ever_ need to know.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most wonderous being, > > whose radiant face I am unworthy of gazing upon, > whose footsteps I will never be able to follow in, > whose intellect dwarfs that of my puny mortal mind, > > ... I've forgotten what I was going to ask ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem. I'll send you the FAQ. } } QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED OF THE ORACLE } } Section 1. Conundrums } } Q. What happens if you drop a cat from a window with buttered toast on }    its back? } A. You get reported to the ASPCA, and probably arrested. As to what }    happens to the cat, that depends on the height of the window. } } Q. What happened to Schrodeinger's cat? } A. What's with this feline obsession? The cat died, and Schrodeinger }    got reported to the GSPCA. (Do you recognize a pattern here yet?) } } Q. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? } A. Why do you have so many car accidents? } } Section 2. Relationships } } Q. How can I get <insert name> to go out with me? } A. Ask her. } } Q. But she turned me down. } A. Ask her again. } } Q. But she turned me down again. } A. Keep asking her. } } Q. I got arrested for harassment! } A. Phew! Finally. } } Section 3. Science } } Q. What are the speed and position of the quantum particle in my }    experiment? I can't measure both, you know. } A. Integrate the particle. } } Q. Could you please explain the GUT? } A: Barf. } } Q. How can I build a time machine? } A. Tell a person the time, and they know the time. Buy them a watch, }    and they won't have any excuse for trying to start a conversation }    with you anymore. } } Section 4. The Future } } Q. What will be the most important event in the next 100 years? } A. Your death. } } Q. Will we ever inhabit other planets? } A. Vice-versa. } } Section 5. The Forbidden Question } } Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck }    wood? } A. A woodchuck that could chuck wood would chuck as much wood as }    a woodchuck could. } } Section 6. Life, the Universe, and Everything } } Q. What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? } A. The song of a raven, the laughter of a monkey, the bawling of a }    child, the love of Clinton, the music of a car alaram, the idiocy of }    the average person... and one's self. } } You owe the Oracle a better answer to Section 6.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Orrie, my old friend, > I've come to walk this way again, > Because a vision softly creeping, > Came to me while I was sleeping, > And the vision that was planted in my brain > Still remains, > And echos the sounds of woodchucks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In restless dreams I saw the past } When woodchuck questions were a blast } Till some mischevious miscreant } Under the guise of just a supplicant } Sent a tremendous tellme tonguetwister taunt } On the subject of woodchucks } } And in the growing queue I saw } Ten thousand questions, maybe more. } So We answered without thinking } Hoping that the queue would start shrinking } We were sending replies that no one ever read } To stem the tide of woodchucks. } } Fools said I, you do not know, } Woodchucks like a cancer grow } Don't reply, because I will not laugh } No, I will smite you with the ZOT staff } But the questions, like many marmots fell } And reeked of the smell of woodchucks. } } And the priesthood bowed and prayed } To the Oracle they made } And the Oracle gave a hated name } To others who would attempt the same } And the Oracle said the words of the warnings are written in the rhod }   cascades } And echo in the graves of woodchucks } } You owe the Oracle a copy of _Silence of the Woodchucks_

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and. . .whoa..., got a rush there. What was I ... > Oh, yeah, Oracle you are most wise and cool! > > If we legalize pot, what about the second hand fumes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey man...................who cares!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most advanced Oracle, you that were prefect from the get-go; > > Does evolution have a goal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For those of you who have just joined us we're 80 minutes into the } game here at Lyons in the Religious Cup finals.  The score is still } tied at Creation 0, Evolution 0. } } Creation has the ball; lineman Falwell is dribbling up the field. } He's rushed by Evolution forward Richard Dawkins!  Falwell makes a } high pass upfield; it's caught on the chest by Creation forward } Randall Terry!  Terry moves around Evolution rear guard Edmund } Spenser! He takes a shot! } } What a great leaping save by Evolution goaltender Charlie Darwin! He } dove to the far end of the net to catch Terry's shot.  The Evolution } line is heading downfield and Darwin waits for the opening.  A big } throw!  Reaches Evolution forward Stephen Jay Gould halfway up the } field.  Gould dribbles; dodges Creation's Falwell and passes to } Dawkins!  Dawkins shoots!  The shot gets past Creation goaltender } Billy Graham!  It's good!  Evolution has a goal!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most mathematical, perfectly precise and ideally exquisite, > whose utterly divineliness is surpassed only by His faultless and > immense knowledge of everything that ever was, is, or ever will be, > whose matchless and impeccable aura of being sends me into a trance of > awe, until there is nothing I would rather do but indenture myself > into the service of the wondrous Oracle. > > Oracle, this, Your most lowly yet devout of supplicants has but one > simple question and I kneel here before You pleading for You to bless > me with but one minute piece of information, an answer which is as > simple to You as I must seem in Your whirlwind of greatness... > > I have a mathematical problem, oh fantabulous Oracle, keeper of my > soul, that has been troubling me for sometime.  As I am not as adept > as You, at anything, I beg that You will bestow upon me an answer. > > Is (time taken) + (thought put into a question) + (grovel) directly > proportional to (time taken) + (thought put into an answer)? I mean > all this in the Oracular sense, of course, oh stupendifying Oracle. > > ~ most humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise; > > Do they really count the ballots in elections in California, or > does the government there come about the results numbers some > other way and just -pretend- to have counted the ballots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a midnight dreary, while we pondered, weak and weary, } With many a ballot filled with checks and crosses more } While we counted, never caring, each ballot with its voter pairing } Suddenly there came a wailing, right up to the chamber door. } "'Tis the governer," I muttered, "wailing at the chamber door-" } Only this, and nothing more. } } Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in a bleak November } The people sought to unencumber from his seat the governor. } Desperatly he sought to bargain, tried to fool the folks with jargon } But the people saw a gorgon, a gorgon they could not endure } A dishonest politician whom the folks would not endure } Once the gov'nor, nevermore. } } As he heard us sitting, counting, and the votes against him mounting } "Here's one more," he heard me cry, "the governor'll be out the door" } Now beginning to fear the worst, angrily he yelled and cursed } Then into the room he burst.  All we could do was ignore. } As he tore around the room, the governor we did ignore } Soon the governor no more. } } Presently my heart grew stronger, hesitating then no longer } "Sir," said I, "sir guv'nor your forgivness I implore, } But the fact is we are counting and we...please sir, stop your pouting, } Though the votes 'gainst you are mounting, still your staying does } ensure That we'll be accused of bias, something we'll all deplore } I beg you, use the door. } } Now out of our chamber turning, his anger still within him burning, } We returned to ballot counting, trying to ignore his roar. } But now it was getting late, and I had earlier planned a date, } Yet the ballots coud not wait.  It seemed we'd count forever more. } The votes were opposition seven, for the current gov'nor, four. } And other ballots, thousands more. } } I made sure noone could hear, as in my mind a plan appear'd } Rather than the rules adhere, we could plan a little more. } Instead of every vote numb'ring, we could just be peacefully } slumb'rinWe'll just guess what results are coming and noone else will } know the score There's no way for anyone to find the genuine score } Secret here, forever more } } In the air we flipped a penny, knowing this would vote for many. } Knowing that it was a felony, and wondering who'd be governor. } Slowly to the ground it fell, spinning, spinning, just as well. } Truly even, fair, pell-mell.  The waiting we could not endure. } Only wondering as it fell, would he stay the governor. } Said the penny: nevermore.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked the post office to forward my email after I moved, but they > said they wouldn't.  It's outrageous!  What makes them think they can > get away with this ridiculous behavior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not that they *wouldn't*, it's that they *couldn't*, and it's all } your fault.  You forgot to bring Form 113837591757-xd, Request to } Forward Electronic Messages over USENET. } } Fortunately, I happen to have a stack here (just in case those pesky } FBI agents are able to reconstruct the evidence).  Here you go... } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }                        Form 113837591757-xd }         Request to Forward Electronic Messages over USENET } } 1)  Name (Last, First, MI): ____________________________________________ } 2)  Current E-Mail address: ____________________________________________ } 3)  New E-mail address (All styles required for proper processing) }     3a) Internet form: _________________________________________________ }     3b) UUCP form: _____________________________________________________ }     3c) BITnet form: ___________________________________________________ }     3d) DECnet form: ___________________________________________________ }     3e) FIDOnet form: __________________________________________________ } } 4)  Are you directly connected to the Internet? Y/N }     4a) If "No," why the hell not? _____________________________________ } } 5)  Do you plan to read the forwarded mail on a machine running a }     Microsoft operating system? Y/N }     5a) If "Yes," are you willing to admit that to others? Y/N }         5a1) If "Yes," are you actually *proud* of that fact? Y/N }             5a1a) If "Yes," do not complete this form.  Call }                   1-800-555-7726 and report yourself immediately. }                   Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and }                   administer a severe beating. }     5b) If "No," are you willing to jump on the bandwagon and come to }         Washington, D.C. to testify in front of the Senate that Bill }         Gates sucks the bone marrow out of sacrificed infants?  Y/N } } 6)  Do you plan to send messages that use HTML in the body, knowing }     full well that not everybody on the planet is stupid enough to use }     Netscape as a mail reader? Y/N } } 7)  Do you plan to send "Virtual Greeting Cards," even though they }     make you appear to be the Cheapest Bastard on Earth? } } 8)  Do you: }     8a) send SPAM mail? }     8b) naively reply to SPAM with "REMOVE" as the subject? }     8c) send a complaint to the Postmaster on the machine mentioned in }         the "From" line? }     8d) spend your entire lunch hour analyzing the 'Received' header }         lines, carefully backtracking until you are able to nail the }         asshole to the wall? } } 9)  Do you automatically destroy mail from: }     9a) Hotmail? }     9b) Juno? }     9c) Bigfoot? }     9d) AOL? }     9e) Netcom? }     9f) anyone who sends mail with the subject "Make Money Fast"? }     9g) the Usenet Oracle? }     9h) the Internet Oracle? }     9i) anyone sending an Oracle question mentioning "Zadoc"? } }     (SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS IF ANY OF THE ABOVE DESCRIBE YOU: Do not }     complete this form.  Call 1-800-555-7726 and report yourself }     immediately.  Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and }     administer a severe beating.) } } 10) Do you use the Internet to download pornography? Y/Y }     10a) Please list the sites here: ___________________________________ }          _______________________________________________________________ }          _______________________________________________________________ }          _______________________________________________________________ } } 11) Have you ever as a system administrator at a large California }     university become so infuriated with people playing XTrek that you }     routed all the packets between your cluster and the server through a }     machine in Sweden? Y/N }     11a) Would you do it again in a heartbeat? Y/N }     11b) Do you want to work for us? Y/N } } 12) Do you eat and drink at the keyboard, knowing full well that a }     slip will make the keyboard so gooey that if you ever hit the }     'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' key it will stick until you lift the keyboard a }     foot off the table and drop it? Y/N } } 13) Have you ever been sexually assaulted by the President of the }     United States? Y/N } } 14) After spending this amount of time filling out this form, do you }     suddenly have a longing for the "good ol' days" when sending mail }     meant sitting down at a desk and putting pen to paper?  Do you }     long for the taste of mucilage?  Do you wistfully sigh when you }     open your mailbox and only find ads from the drug store? Y/N } } I HEREBY STATE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ON } THIS DOCUMENT IS CORRECT. }                                       Signed ___________________________ }                                         Date ___________________________