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} Oh misguided supplicant..
}
} Do you call that a grovel?
} That is nothing more than an obscure description, I'm afraid I'm not
} going to give you a straight answer.. but I won't leave you hanging
} completely.
}
} I know the perfect punishment..
} I'll tack a good grovel on to your wimpy.. whatever-that-was and send
} it to some other incarnations. Then YOU can tell ME which ANSWER is
} better.. alright?
} Oh yes, the irony is beautiful..
} Pay attention now.. it's not every day you get to see the Oracle
} grovel. Note the unholy extent of self-bashing! I like 'em that way.
}
} -------to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu--------
} ----------------------------------------
} > Dear Oracle of orientation most supreme and enlightened..
} >
} > To me you are nothing less than the most fabulous and astounding
} > being, the likes of which mine eyes have never beheld! You are so
} > super-dooper and spiffy, so raz-ma-taz, boombastic and scrumptious!
} > Your presence is a grand blessing upon this pitiful universe, and
} > your vastness of excellence enbiggens even the smallest of minds..
} > such as my own. I am but a stench-ridden vermin, a vile contemptible
} > farce of a creature whose mind cannot comprehend even the simplest
} > of your holy thoughts! Your wit is sharper than a samurai blade.
} > The explosive humour contained within your dullest utterances are more
} > than sufficient to rupture every blood vessel in my tiny useless head,
} > in a violent fit of laughter so absurdly loud and ridiculous that
} > my sides would split and my pewtrid innards would flow forth from
} > the wounds, thus doing the world a great favour in ridding it once
} > and for all of my repuslive, inhuman form. I am utterly worthless
} > and devoid of value. I wish I could purge myself from the face of
} > the earth in a huge rightous ball of terrific fire, but alas, I am
} > completely gutless and chicken. I am filth. I am scum. I smell of
} > flatulation and am butt-ugly like a troll. I wallow daily in my own
} > feces and beg others to deficate in my pit of fecal matter so that
} > my life might have some variety. From my lower than lowly vista you
} > appear as the unreachable perfection for which I do not even dream
} > to strive. You are such a monument of infallible supendousness that
} > your eternal and infinitely brilliant light stretches out accross the
} > heavenly abyss like a trillion nuclear torches and touches us all,
} > deep down to our very hearts and souls!
} > YOU ARE SO MIGHTY AND FINE, YOU SHINE LIKE A DIVINE BEACON OF
} > HOPE IN MY OTHERWISE HATEFUL LIFE!!
} > I AM SO UNWORTHY OF YOUR ATTENTION, SEE HOW STUPID AND LOWLY IS MY
} > QUESTION..
} > I ASK IT IN THE HOPE THAT YOUR ANSWER, IF YOU GRANT ONE, WILL SHOCK
} > ME SO UTTERLY THAT I SHALL PERISH AND MAKE THE WORLD A CLEANER, MORE
} > INTELLIGENT PLACE FOR OTHERS!
} >
} > O omniscient Oracle, who like Athena sprung fully formed from his
} > father's head.. Please tell me who is better: Harlan Ellison, or Larry
} > Ellison?
}
} First Incarnation..
} ------------------------------------
} } Hmmm.. good grovel supplicant, I haven't seen one like that in a dog's
} } age! I could do better myself, of course, but then I AM the Oracle!
} } The last time I saw such a grovel was centuries ago while I was
} } travelling through the area that is now Germany. I came across this
} } fine young lad who had been rehearsing his grovel for weeks and weeks!
} } Oh yes.. those were the days, sauerkraut, beer, sausages. Now those
} } people know how to grovel, but I could never stand all the spitting.
} } The arabians were just as bad, if not worse. Funny how languages come
} } about, one would suspect that living in the desert would produce a
} } more moisture-conserving language than Arabic.
} } Anyways.. the answer is Harlan.
} } You owe the Oracle a spit-guard for my trips to Egypt.
}
} Well.. that was a bit of a weak connection there, let's try another..
}
} Second Incarnation..
} --------------------------------------
} } Hey! That grovel was too good for a mere mortal? What's going on here?
} } OH.. OH.. Oh-no!! Not again!
} } I smell a woodch*ck here!
} } TRY TO TRICK ME WITH FLATTERY WILL THEY?
} } I'LL KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL..
} } BLAST THEM ALL TO PIECES.. JUST LIKE.. LIKE.. STARSHIP TROOPERS!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } This is for the Roughnecks!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } AAAAAHHHRRRRGGG!!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!! And this is for Buenos Aires!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } TAKE THAT YOU LOUSY BUGS!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!
}
} Well, kind of entertaining, but a bit disturbing huh? You see the
} kind of trouble I have to contend with!
} Next incarnation..
}
} Third Incarnation..
} --------------------------------------
} } What? You mean the Oracle is just other people answering my
} } questions!?
} } What a jip! I thought the Oracle was real!
} } Look buddy.. good grovel and all, but appearently there is
} } no 'Internet Oracle', we've all been had!! Don't make the same mistake
} } I made.
} } Man! When I get a hold of that Kinzler guy... I'm gonna sue his ass
} } for false advertizing!
} }
} } Oh.. and it's Larry Ellison, he's awsome!
}
} Bloody unbelievers! Kinzler's gonna eat him alive! (figuratively
} speaking) There must be some good clear connections out there
} somewhere.. let's try this again..
}
} Fourth Incarnation..
} ---------------------------------------
} } Sear Dupplicant..
} }
} } You seem to have made a mig bistake!
} } The correct Ellison names are Larlan and Harry.
} } And Harry is better because he won't freeze in winter :-)
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a harry chestwig.
}
} A little better. Now.. the last time..
}
} Fifth Incarnation..
} ---------------------------------------
} } ******
} } * 42 *
} } ******
}
} Aach!! I'm so tired of that one! Douglas Adams is funny the first
} couple hundred times, but it really starts to wear thin after a
} while!
}
} Well.. that's all you get. Choose wisely, and next time.. I wanna
} see a grovel, I mean a REAL grovel!
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those BIG green blasting guns from Quake II,
} in case I grow tired of the zot staff.
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