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} Monica: I don't see why you keep asking me all these questions.
} What does it matter whether I did or not?
}
} Kenneth Starr: It's *very* important. If you had sex with Chandler
} Bing the night before Ross's wedding, that means that next season
} the writers are going to try to distract us from that whole
} stupid Ross-Rachel mess with one of the lamest pair-ups in
} sitcom history: a whiny, scrawny, cleanliness fanatic (no offense
} intended) --
}
} Monica: None taken.
}
} Starr: -- And a sarcasm freak whose major shtick is that he has less
} success with women than the gay guy on _Veronica's Closet_.
}
} Monica: Okay, suppose I were willing to state that I did have
} sex with Chandler. Could you guarantee me immunity?
}
} Starr: No, I couldn't do that -- it would look like a quid pro quo,
} like I was trying to buy damaging testimony.
}
} Monica: Oh, cummon. Please?
}
} Starr: No.
}
} Monica: Pleeeeeeease?
}
} Starr: No.
}
} Monica: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
}
} Starr: Oh, all right. I hereby grant you full immunity from
} prosecution.
}
} Monica: Okay -- then I did have sex with Chandler.
}
} Starr: Do you have any physical evidence I can bring to court?
} I don't want it to be just your word against his.
}
} Monica: Well, we took some pictures. [She starts to open up a
} manila envelope.]
}
} Starr [frantically]: For God's sake, put those away! There are
} some images I just don't ever want to have in front of my
} eyes . . .
}
} Monica: Oh. Well, how about my dress. [She pulls a dress out
} of her purse.] I haven't washed it or anything, so it still
} has physical evidence all over it. See -- over here, and
} here, and here? Bodily fluids.
}
} Starr: Um, Ms. Geller? That's spit.
}
} Monica: Yup.
}
} Starr: I don't think spit is genetically traceable.
}
} Monica: Oh. Well, what about this one?
}
} Starr: Tears. Just what the hell were you two doing? No -- don't
} take those pictures out!
}
} Monica [putting the envelope away again]: I think it was when I
} told him we were going to be paired up all next season. He
} did a spit take, and then started crying. See, and over there
} where your hand is, that's where he had to blow his nose.
}
} Starr: I see. Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Geller.
}
} Monica: So you're going to serve him with a subpoena?
}
} Starr: We'll see -- I still have some other people I need
} to talk to. [She leaves.] *Sigh*. [He buzzes his secretary:]
} Could you send Ms. Seles in now? Thanks . . .
} --------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Could you *owe* the Oracle any more stuff?
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