|
} Aw, geez. Another "tell me the future" question. You know, channeling
} the future always gives me nosebleeds. It's not easy, you know...so
} much stuff is going on all the time that's changing what's going to
} happen in the future, it gets to a point where your third eye is just
} rattling around in your head like a ball bearing in a spray paint can.
}
} *Sigh.* Well, here goes. *Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....BORT!*
}
} June 11, 2001 - Mapping of the human genome is finally completed.
}
} August 7, 2001 - Exclusive rights to alter individual genes in the
} human chromosome is auctioned by the U.S. Government to the highest
} bidders. Due to an unexpected epilleptic seizure during the auction,
} the gene that determines development of respiratory systems and oxygen
} processing is mistakenly acquired for $785 million dollars by Nestle
} Foods, Inc.
}
} February 7, 2007 - Nestle Laboratories engineers a race of prototype
} superfrogs that breathe nothing but Ensure(R) chocolate beverage.
} Work begins on an additive to tap water that would cause the same
} mutation in humans.
}
} February 9, 2007 - Work on tap water additive scrapped after Microsoft
} Laboratories corners and shuts down all water utility markets, forcing
} all world citizens to rely on bottled "Water '07" for food-grade water.
}
} April 21, 2017 - A woman in Niota, Tennessee, falls head-first into
} her toilet and drowns. Since cancer, aging, heart disease, and other
} genetic-related diseases have been wiped out, and since cars have been
} long since replaced by computer-piloted hovermobiles, the woman was
} the first person to die a non-homicide related death in seven years.
} In the subsequent Geraldo Rivera special that followed, the public
} was outraged with Nestle for not coming up with a way to protect them
} from drowning in toilets. Nestle stock plunges 15 points.
}
} December 11, 2017 - Nestle applies gill mutation to a batch of 750
} prototype monkeys. In four months, the monkeys develop gill-like
} appendages that process oxygen from water. Nestle announces that the
} human mutation will be available by July 4 of next year. The prototype
} monkeys are trained to clean pools and are sold to Club Mediterranee
} S.A.
}
} July 2, 2018 - Syringes containing the human gill mutation are sold
} to general public as the "free prize" inside boxes of Cocoa Pebbles.
} 2.1 billion receive the treatment within the first two months. By the
} third month, treatment is given as a charity donation to needy people
} in Third World coastal nations. Nestle stock soars 151 points.
}
} October 1, 2018 - Mutation begins taking effect. Larnyxes begin
} swelling themselves shut, and the corresponding gills that developed
} were not processing water. Nestle checks the administered formula,
} and realizes their administrative error. The "frog" formula was
} administered instead of the "monkey" formula. Four billion people
} worldwide now required Ensure(R) in order to breathe. Emergency
} shipments of the beverage were rushed to locations throughout
} the world, but not before a mass die-off of 3.5 billion people.
} Nestle stock soars 57 points.
}
} December 19, 2018 - As Ensure(R) stockpiles dwindle, Nestle executives,
} in a last-ditch attempt to save humanity, engineer a plot to build huge
} mobile waterborne factories that will turn the oceans into Ensure,
} thus allowing mankind to live forever under the sea. Unfortunately,
} before all factories can be completed, gigantic chocolatey tropical
} storms begin to ravage the land, wiping out...
}
} *BORT!!!!*
}
} That's it...<*snort*> I lost the <*snort*> signal. Ow, geez, that
} hurts! <*snort*> Zadoc, hand me a tissue, would you? The whole box?
}
} Well, there you have it. Some say the world will end in fire, some
} say in ice. Looks to me like it's going to end in an enormous ocean
} of geriatric energy beverage.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of ice and a cracker.
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
