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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle, Far And High, Higher Than High And Wider Than > Wide... > > I'm sorry, Where was I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were about to go on telling me how wonderful I am. } } You were going to tell me that I am wiser than Solomon, stronger } than Hercules, more virile than Clinton, faster than Carl Lewis, } more powerful than a locomotive, more ubiquitous than "MAKE MONEY } FAST," more flavorful than Folgers Crystals, smarter than Einstein, } richer than Bill Gates, more user-friendly than the iMac, sexier } than Fabio, a better seducer than Casanova, more knowledgable than } the Oxford English Dictionary, wittier than Oscar Wilde, more ironic } than ra-i-i-n on your wedding day, brighter than the Morning Star, } sharper than a katana, more historic than the Battle of Waterloo, } deadlier than the guillotine, happier than a clam at high tide, } funkier than George Clinton, more prolific than Isaac Asimov, better } built than Arnold Schwarzenegger, more literate than the entire } English department at Harvard University, a better director than } Alfred Hitchcock, more famous than Monica Lewinsky, higher-grossing } than Titanic, more explosive than Little Boy, smoother than a baby's } behind, hotter than hell, more devious than a team of feral lawyers, } a better writer than Shakespeare, a bigger star than DiCaprio, a } better programmer than Linus Torvalds, faster than a speeding bullet, } tougher than an Organic Chemistry final, funnier than the green golf } ball joke, more flexible than Nadia Comaneci, more useful than a } whole set of Ginsu knives, a better comic than Seinfeld, higher than } a kite, slipperier than an eel, studlier than the Tick, calmer than } a Buddhist monk, bloodthirstier than Cthulu, more energetic than a } hyperactive 3-year-old, more in control than the black helicopters, } a better late-night choice than Jay Leno, more up-to-date than the New } York Times, a higher seller than John Grisham, bigger than a breadbox, } more charismatic than Jim Jones, and an all-around nice guy. } } But you didn't get around to all of it.  I understand. } } Better luck next time. } } You owe the Oracle some superlatives he didn't think of.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, the deus ex machina unsurpassed by all others, > whether real, imaginary and complex, > > I have a small problem for which I need your help. > > -- > > My acolyte and I entered the small, dark Temple at first > light. We closed the door behind us and barricaded it. > > I sat down in the Approved cross-legged manner in the > centre of the Pentagram, and my acolyte stood at the rear > of the Temple. > > I waited until the first rays of the Sun that rises 45 days > after the Solstice hit the Eye of the god Niffiwan that > sits at the top of the Altar of Sacrifice. > > Then I pulled the Dagger of the Ritual out of the Scabbard > of Concealment and waved it slowly three times over the > Bowl of the Ritual as a sign to the Gods that the Dark > Ritual had begun. > > My acolyte then placed a small quantity of the Herbs of > Enlightenment in the large, shiny Bowl of the Sun God, and > slowly raised the bowl to the rays of the rising sun, and > my acolyte held the bowl there until the magic of the Sun > God caused the herbs to burst into flame. > > My acolyte then lowered the Bowl of the Sun God to the > centre of the pentagram. > > I added more of the Herbs of Enlightenment to the Bowl of > the Sun God. > > I used the holy Flame of the Sun God to light each of the > Candles of Illumination that were placed at each of the > corners of the Pentagram. > > When the candles were lit, my acolyte led in the goat. > > I tied the goat to the Altar of Sacrifice. > > My acolyte removed the Box of Niffiwan from the Place of > Hiding Things and brought it to me. > > I opened the Box of Niffiwan and placed a small quantity of > the Ointment of Numbness on the tip of the Dagger of the > Ritual. > > I smeared the Ointment of Numbness over the throat of the > goat. > > I then closed the Box of Niffiwan, and my acolyte returned > the Box of Niffiwan to the Place of Hiding Things. > > I brought the Bowl of the Ritual close to the throat of > the goat. > > Then I cut the throat of the goat with the Dagger of the > Ritual, making sure that all of the Blood of Sacrifice > landed in the Bowl of the Ritual. > > My acolyte removed the body of the Goat of the Sacrifice > and dropped it down the Well of Stench. > > We wiped the Dagger of the Ritual on the Cloth of Cleaning, > and placed the Dagger of the Ritual back into the Scabbard > of Concealment. > > My acolyte and I then extinguished all the Candles of > Illumination, and extinguished the Flames of the Sun God. > We left the temple and in front of the whole village took > the first sips of the congealing Blood of Sacrifice in the > Bowl of the Ritual. Then the Chief of the village drank > deeply of the Blood of Sacrifice, followed by the Elders. > > We returned the Bowl of the Ritual to the temple. > > And the rains did not come. > > -- > > O Oracle, can you tell us if there is anything wrong with > our Ritual of Rain? We need to debug our Ritual, but cannot > find computer software for a Pagan Ritual Debugger anywhere, > so we turn to you for help instead. > > O Oracle, how can we make our Ritual work every time? Our > Ritual works most of the time, but we do not know if there > is some purification step that we are missing. > > - Shaman Kelsar of the Sepulchur > - Acolyte Neewin of the Face of Pizza

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is indeed a problem.  Personally I believe it may be caused by } incompatible worship methods.  There is a new ritual just been released } into the religious arena by one of the dominating sects, MegaSect. } This impressive ritual will provide you with not only plentiful rains, } full dams and summer water, but also offers easy upgrade worship plans } to encompass most rituals of the growing village. } } On the down side, it needs an ensemble of 50 priests, at least half } your herd of cattle, plus a great deal of wealth on the part of those } who wish to be protected.  Alternatively, if you are a little more } devote, there are other minor sects out there willing to pass on their } rituals for very low cost, if none at all. } } However, you seem to be convinced your ritual is correct and I will } attempt to guide you through the correct procedure. } } In the beginning you entered the dark temple with your acolyte at first } light.  Alas this should have been a light temple at dusk.  But this is } a minor detail and will be fixed in the next release of the ritual. } } Next you sat, this is good, however we recommend an ergonomic chair } instead of the cross-legged style.  This will enable you to hold your } concentration for a longer period of time.  The pentagram is a nice } touch, but since this is an old version of the ritual I would recommend } upgrading to a hexagram for added benefit.  At this point of the ritual } your acolyte is not needed and we recommend that they be banished } outside in search of the mythical pizza and cola for this part of the } exercise. } } Due to a typographical error in the original text, you should have } waited for the moon to rise 45 days after the solstice, again out } technical department apologise for this error. } } The next bit about waving the dagger is a little old fashioned really. } I mean, lets face it, the gods know the ritual has begun.  And the } scabbard of concealment has never worked either, it should have been } removed in a previous release. } } Ok, including the Sun God was a mistake.  This was accidentally left in } by previous misguided priests, but lets face it.  Sun and rain?  Sun is } the natural enemy of the rain, I'd steer clear of him.  Instead our } department recommends placing the Herb of Enlightenment onto the Pizza } which hopefully your Acolyte has returned with.  This can be washed } down with the Holier-than-thou cola of your choice. } } Yeap, so skip the stuff to the sun god.  Now onto the candles.  I like } it, ok, so they don't play a part in the ritual, but candles in a } temple.  They just sort of go.  IF it were up to me, I'd add in a few } tapestries as well and perhaps a statue of a minor deity decapitating } someone, as long as it was tastefully done. } } Again, we're not too sure about the goat thing.  Oracle 2 thinks that } it is good.  It shows you are keeping up with tradition, but Oracle 3 } shares my view that it is just a little dated.  Perhaps you could use } the Dagger of Sacrifice to disembowel the viscous (and highly } religious) Cake of Chocolate?  We are sure it would have a similar } effect and would please the Gods as much, if not more. } } Of course this means that no longer will the villages be able to feast } on their congealed blood, however perhaps you may be able to sate their } hunger with the golden brew which flows from The Holy Keg? } } Anyway, the advice from this department is to dice the goat.  Instead, } be happy with the cake and the holy drop.  If this is done correctly, } the morning after, the villages will not care if it rains or not. } } Of course, if the rains do not fall, we have several other more } attracted packages which may be of service, but these require a large } proportion of your wealth and the offer of a young virgins, which we } believe may be hard to find in your area. } } Us here at the Oracle mountain top, sincerely hope that this will help } to alleviate your problems.  In the case of dissatisfaction, we do have } operators standing by on the holy uplink to listen to your prayers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.  Og scrape knees on ground, bow to Or-a-kul.  Og make > many grovel sounds.  Og hope Or-a-kul like grovel. > > Og hear strange sound last night.  Sound come from local bar. > Og go inside, see strange people jump up and down, beat drum, > play gui-tar, scream at crowd.  Og ask what going on.  Og > friend tell Og "grunge band". > > Og think Og can be grunge band.  Og have spiky club to beat drum. > Og get friend Thag to pull strings on gui-tar to make noise.  Og > get Og-wa to scream at crowd.  (Og-wa good at screaming at Og; > Og-wa probably good at screaming in band.) > > Can Or-a-kul get Og band gig at bar? Can Or-a-kul get Og band > re-kor-ding deal?  Or-a-kul want to be Og a-gent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And Mr Oraclestein, this note was the first you heard of the band? } } Yes, of course in those days the boys were rather rough, but I put them } in suits, cleaned them up, saw if they could pass unseen on the New } York Subway, and the rest is pre-history. } } When did you first see the band? Is it true that you, a successful } Liverpool shopowner, went to see them at The Cavern Club? } } Well, it was more sort of an actual cavern, but there were certainly a } number of clubs lying around. They were rough, very rough, but they had } a certain something. } } Obvious charm and talent? } } Obvious brow ridges and an ability to live of the land. They'd only } just come back from Germany. } } Had they gone to Germany to seek fame and fortune? } } In actual fact, they'd been forced south by encroaching glaciers, it } was the Ice Age remember. } } What about all the girls screaming? } } Oh yes, the screaming. Unless you've experienced it, it's like nothing } you can imagine. A piercing sheet of sound. And not only did they } scream, but as soon as the boys appeared, they'd all run. Out the } exits, out the fire escapes, out the windows away as fast as they } could. And the customs agents and security, they ran too. I've never } passed through an airport faster in my life. } } It's said that practically all of their songs went to number one in } both the English and American charts. } } Yes. Lucky really, as any chart placing higher than 3 had them totally } confused. } } And then, they not only conquered the record charts, but the movie } world as well. } } Yes, "A Hard Day's Club" was my idea. We had prominent anthropologist } Richard Leakster direct. The "romps", where the boys were placed in } the forest and filmed as they expressed their natural charm and } subsistence lifestyle were a particular success. They was even an } American version of that movie made as a television series. } } "The Monkeys"? } } Yes. } } And eventually they stopped touring. Why was that? } } Well, it was this and that. The big fuss in America after Og's "We are } bigger than Darwin" comment. But mainly it was because they discovered } agriculture and didn't need to follow a nomadic lifestyle endlessly } pursuing their game any more. } } What was their greatest work? } } Undoubtedly "Sgt. Ochre's Lonely Hearts Band Club". They practically } locked themselves in the studio for months. } } They were that dedicated to producing the perfect album? } } No, they noticed that there was a zebra crossing outside, and they } were staking it out until a herd arrived. } } What was the last time that they played live? } } The rooftop concert from the "Let it Club" sessions. It was the last } time they played really live, just the three of them. } } Did they play on the rooftop to reach a larger audience? } } No, they smelt to bad to be kept in a confined studio. Have you seen } the movie? Seen no-one standing on the far side of the rooftop? } Downwind. } } Do you think they'll ever reform? } } Not as long as Og remains Zotted, no never. Some have suggested that } they could reform with Mick Jagger taking the role of Og, but it } wouldn't be the same. Mick isn't nearly as advanced as Og, evolutionary } speaking. } } Do you think they really changed the music scene forever? } } Of course. Before they came on the scene we had nice boys who wore } short hair, suits, and had manners, like Jan and Dean. Nowdays we have } Oasis and The Spice Girls. What do you think? } } I take your point. Thank you, Mr Brian Oraclestein.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle, you rule.  I need your help, bad. You name it man and it's > yours what-ever ya want! > > Like on the last shipment I stepped on the product a little heavier > than I should of... like I cut it by 30%, okay maybe even 50%, instead > of the 5% I was supposed to... The Family is *pissed*. They say I am > dead. What can I do to keep alive?? > > You gotta help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } I advise you to give up your job as a mohel immediately. } } You must remember this, a bris is just a bris. } } You owe the Oracle a bageleh with a schmear.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I have enough disk space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am so sorry that I have to tell you this: } NEVER } } There is no way you will ever have enough diskspace. } } If in any case a company finds a way, then I can assure you will be an } other company called Microsoft, which will enlarge all their products } to anihilate all new diskspace.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do "Keep off the Grass" signs get where they are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 12 Step programme and a lot of gum...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sir: > You have been randomly chose to be a beta test evaluator for the latest > Microsoft product, Microsoft Woodchuck 6.66 for Windows. Please test > and send your comments it. > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoo, boy, are you ever asking for a zotting. Microsoft *and* } woodchucks *and* that annoying little hotmail tagline, too. Well, let } me just get out my Wand O' Zottage and give you the frying you so } richly deserve, you sick little masochist. } } But hang on a sec. This stuff might actually be useful. Why should I } put up with all these sloppy human supplicants asking me the same } stupid question over and over again when I can have a computer program } ask me the same stupid question over and over again? After all, } annoying me is the one thing Microsoft can do better than my usual gang } of supplicants. If this software works as badly as I think it will, I } can close down the whole e-mail Q&A operation and just turn on } Microsoft Woodchuck anytime I feel like being pestered. Okay, I'll give } it a try. } } Hmm... Installation instructions... requires Windows 98. Well, for } obvious reasons, I don't *have* Windows 98, but, since I'm omnipotent I } can just simulate the way Windows 98 *would* work if Windows 98 *did* } work. (Here's a question for all you supplicants in the peanut gallery: } How would the work of Windows work if Windows work would work?) } Installing... } } [During the installation process, the screen shows ads for other } Microsoft products: Microsoft Orifice 98... Internet Exploiter... } Windows for Wonkgroups... ] } } ...Done! Right, let's see how it does... } } MS Woodchuck: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood? } } The Internet Oracle: ZOT! Not bad. Again! } } MSW: How much would wood a wouldchuck chuck if a wouldchuck could chuck } would? } } TIO: ZOT! There was something a bit odd about that one, though. Again! } } MSW: Howl mulch wooed wooden woodchat shuck ever workshop cold shock } wed? } } TIO: ZOT! Funny, I didn't tell it to run in Allen Ginsberg mode. Again! } } MSW: If a groundhog were capable of throwing xylem, what quantity of } xylem would a groundhog elect to throw? } } TIO: ZOT! Curiouser and curiouser. Again! } } MSW: Woodchuck could chuck wood a if chuck-chuck would a wood-wood much } how? How much ground round would a hound dog hog if a hound dog hogged } ground round? How now, brown cow? If a woodchuck chucked wood in the } forest and nobody was there to zot it, would it still be a woodchuck } chucking wood? Xylem and phloem were big-bellied men; they chucked more } groundhogs than four-score and ten. If you were the woodchuck and I was } the wood, would you send me yellow roses? Homage world--But the wood is } tired, and the wood is old, though we'll make it fine if the woodchuck } holds. To chuck or not to chuck, that is the question: whether 'tis } nobler in the mind to suffer the zots and error in line 42 fatal error } the application Microsoft Woodchuck has unexpectedly quit and erased } your hard drive in the process hit any key to begin auto-destruct } sequence! } } TIO: Is *this* what you want me to beta-test? Any one of my human } supplicants could ask me the woodchuck question better than that with } one frontal lobe tied behind their back! You can take your Microsoft } Woodchuck 6.66 and shove it down a gopher hole! } }    ________     _____     _____________    ___ }    |____  /    / ___ \    |_____  ____|    | | }       / /     | |   | |        |  |        | | }      / /      | |   | |        |  |        | | }     / /       | |   | |        |  |        |_| }    / /___     \ \___/ /        |  |         _ }    |_____|     \_____/         |__|        |_| } } Your next of kin owe the Oracle a new hard drive.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise; > > Are there really times that a cigar is just a cigar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most querisome; } } That depends entirely, my dear supplicant, on whether or not you smoke. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Cubans.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who knows the *real* dirt on Clinton. > > Orrie, sometimes people write Oracularities based on The Priesthood, > mentioning real priests by name, puttting words in their mouths, > revealing secret pasts, whatever. But, it seems that I (Ross Clement) > always seem to be doing nothing in particular. In fact, my actions in > these Oracularities are so completely normal that I would never be > found doing such in real life. > > Orrie, could you please write an Oracularity showing the *real* weird, > illegal, and depraved things I get up to in secret?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The R.H.O.D.Father, Part VII, First Blood: Return of the } Revenge of the Son of the Mumbly Guy That Looks Like }             He Has a Face Full of Marbles. } }                                  +++ } } G-Man, Federal Bureau of Incarnations:  Ross Clement?? } ....Ross Clement...Clement ...! Oh!  Rosso Clementi!! } That's right, we've done a laundry-job on his image, it's all } coming back to me now.  He's a stoolie.  Connected to } "The Big Guy."  We set him up as some sort of smart guy, a } college lecturer, an honest law-abiding citizen, rides a } bicycle and refuses to harm bunnies. } } Federal Prosecutor:  But what's he *really* like? } } G-Man, Federal Bureau of Incarnations:  ...a disgrace to his } entire family: } }                                  +++ } } Clementi:  What's on the agenda today? } } Clementi's Thug #1:  There are people here waiting to ask } favours of you. } } Clementi:  Okay, bring them in one at a time and have them } pay their respects. } } Juno:  Don Clementi, I kneel and kiss your ring...  and I } grovel at your feet... } } Clementi:  Not bad! } } Juno:  And I lick your left shoe... } } Don Clemeni:  Better!  Well, so much for preliminaries... } Now show some *respect.* } } Juno:  Oh, dear and illustrious Don Clementi, Manipulator } of Intelligences,  Most Exalted of Personages,  Hallowed be } Thy name,  For Thine is the Kingdom--and the Power-- and } the Glory... Forever.  A---men! } } Clementi:  Beautiful, -Now what can I do for you on this } holy occasion? } } Juno:  I want in --  Don Clementi, you can use your } influence, get me into the digests. } } Clementi:  Done!! } } Juno:  Oh Don Clementi!  How can I ever thank you? } } Clementi:  Please don't try!  Only swear to me on your } withered and drained-off queue that when I ask you for a } favour, *you* will grant it! } } Juno:  My drained-off queue?!?  But, the queue hasn't } been drained-off... } } Clemeni:  Just remember that when I ask you for a favour! } Now slither outta here!  Others are waiting. } } Clementi's Thug #1:  Number 2, now serving number 2... } } Zadoc:  Oh Don Clementi,  So Fierce Even the Samurai } Run From Him Like Embarrassed Geishas,   I want a really } great question to answer but the Oracle won't give it to me. } He says it's a waste of bandwidth. } } Clementi:  Okay boys, get the Oracle on the phone, tell 'im } to give Mr. Zadocco a really great question. } } Zadoc:        Oh thank you, Don Clementi! } }                                  +++ } } Clementi's Thug #2:  Mr. Zadocco says you promised him a } really great question from the Oracle. } } Oracle:  He's lying, the little twerp.  It's my word against } that of an invertibrate! So...what are you going to do about } it?! } }                                  +++ } } Lisa:  EEEEYYYYYYiiiiiiiiueeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! } Orrie!!!!  What the @#$%^^* is this at the foot of this } bed?!? } } Oracle:  Hrmmph.  I was expecting a horse's *head* but I } suppose since it's Zadoc we're talking about, this end is } more appropriate...  --Clementi's getting a little big for his } britches...  I'd better have one of the boys leak word of that } blink tag on his web page in r.h.o.d. } } You owe the Oracle one ton of Sainsbury's Chocolate-Covered Ginger } Crunch Biscuits....  --and I'll be keeping those reward cards, } thengkyou.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tremendous Oracle, you are too fun and look good in a swimsuit! > > How did the garage sell go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Terrific, Supplicant, and thanks ever so much for asking. It was a } good, family-oriented event, and most importantly, helped us raise } some money for A Good Cause. } } Lisa convinced me to redecorate the Hall of Contemplation - this } being the '90s, we pulled out 300 of the lava lamps and all of the } shag carpeting, and replaced them with brand new, more expensive } lava lamps.  We weren't able to sell any of them, but the kids had } fun dropping the lamps off of highway overpasses, and they rolled } Newt Gingrich up in the carpeting. } } Zadoc's artwork didn't move as quickly as you might have expected } it to, either. The "Sad Dog" and "Elvises playing poker" paintings } we had to throw away at the end of the day, although the Louvre sent } a representative to pick up "Velvet Golda Meir." The "Hang in there } Baby" photograph was denounced as suggestive by the Coalition of Old } People who Look at a Lot of Porn, but Not in That Way, which resulted } in a large NEA grant. } } And the highlight of the day, Lisa's album of holiday snaps from } Martinique, inspired a lively bidding war between Hugh Hefner, Bob } Guccione, and the Catholic Church. In the end they were all outbid } by the French government, which pawned Tahiti to Me in order to buy } the album. } } Tell you what, Supplicant - you don't owe Me anything this time around } - just as long as you ask Me about My grandchildren.