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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when you look at a map of the United States, New England > is up, but they call themselves' Downeast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no no, that's "Downy-est" } } have you ever seen a New Hampshire libertarian discussing politics with } a Harvard Square liberal?  It's not a pretty sight. } } You owe the Oracle a pickup with a gun rack and "live free or die" } plates.  Or maybe a biodynamic commune in Vermont and membership in the } Cambridge food co-op.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between software and hard water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let me consult my OED (Oracles' English Dictionary). } } Software n:  the entire set of of programs, procedures, and related } documentation associated with a system and esp.  a computer sytem; } specif:  computer programs } } Hard water n:  a yellow or greenish viscid alkaline fluid secreted by } the liver and passed into the duodenum where it aids esp.  in the } digestion and absorption of fats. } } Well, I guess there's no difference.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, all-knowing and all-powerful, please tell me... > > What the hell am I supposed to do about her? I can't stop thinking > about her!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is going to have another cup of coffee and then the Oracle } will be able to discuss your problem, the meaning of life, and where all } the flowers went.  Just a sec... } } <gulp> Ahhh.... } } What you are "supposed" to do with her is enjoy yourself. } } You have become obsessed, but you know that already.  The problem is not } her, the problem is your obsession.  You've got this conflict between } what you want and what you think you can get, so you have to either } change your expectations so that they better match what you have, or } change what you have so that it better satisfies your desires.  Or } suffer. } } You see, you have to live in the present, this moment.  You can't live } in the future.  So learn to take from each moment whatever you can.  And } be wary of too much caution. } } But remember that this situation is only practice for What Comes Next, } which will come along when you least expect it, drag you off to its } cave, and make you wonder why you were ever worried before. } } Nothing is simple.  Nevertheless, the Oracle is feeling very generous } today and will also give you a simple answer:  stock up on pretzels -- } the small, twisted kind -- and gummy bears, invite over everyone you } know, and have a hell of a party. } } You owe the Oracle 10 pounds of gummy bears and 25 pretzels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me > >      Is it wrong to still sleep with a teddy bear when one is 22?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You zay you like zleepink vis ze teddy bear.  Zis is normal. }       Many peoples like zleepink vis teddy bears. } } Vat does ze teddy bear zay about zis?  Does he like zleepink }       vis you?  How old iz ze teddy bear?  How long haf }       you been zleepink vis him?  Are you usink }       contraceptifs?  Good! } } Perzonally, I like for zleepink vis someone less geshavetn, }       but I understand ze appeal.  As Freud himzelf zaid, }       "...you are big, you are tall, you are strong, you }       are furry all over like ze teddy bear ... come to }       daddy!" } } Zo, ja, i zay to you:  if ze teddy bear zays okay, zen zleep }       vis him.  But try to get zum rest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and omnipotent, answer me this: > > If I ask a question, and you demand a payment, what is the mailing > address?  I've tried stuffing things into my modem to send them, but all > that happens is that the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cause the > modem to generate ugly garbage (closely resembling EBCDIC codes) to my > CRT.  Is there a secret to this sending trick?  Or do modems not like > peanut butter and jelly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now thanks to the miracles of modern technology, more specifically } automated teller machines....you can make your payment to the Oracle at } any one of thousands of convenient locations around the globe.  Just } check your phone directory for the closest Automated Oracle Payment } Machine and drive on over...There are slots for money and small items, } intermediate sized slots for intermediate sized items such as peanut } butter and jelly sandwiches and large slots for sheep and cows and what } not... } } If your payment is in the form of a favor or action of some kind, there } are special forms and instructions for you to fill out. } } You might think that all this convenience would cost alot...but, in } fact, the Oracle's interest rates and yearly fees are much lower than } most other supernatural being's fees...If you join our credit plan right } now, you will receive two years of service with not annual fee, plus, } the low interest rate of 12.9% That could save you up to 15 ounces of } peanut butter and jelly this year alone. } } Ask yourself, can you, a consistent Oracle user, afford NOT to take this } offer?  Wont you enjoy the security of knowing your Oracle account is in } the hands of the Oracle itself? } } Act now and well send you a free copy of the ORACLE'S GUIDE to the } UNIVERSE and a beautiful assortment of Ginsu knives... } } Think it over....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you please sing me a song about roaches and toasters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yesterday, } All the toasters seemed to far away. } Now I'm under one, and it will stay. } Oh I beleive in yesterday. } } Suddently, } I'm not half the roach I used to be. } There's a toaster lying over me. } Oh toaster gray came suddently. } } Why it had to fall } I don't know, it couldn't say. } I ate something wrong } Now I long for yesterday } } Yesterday, } Hiding was an easy game to play. } Now I'm flat and will be thrown away. } Oh I beleive in yesterday.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the etymological origins of the term toe cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The word 'toe cheese' comes from the Japanese 'tochi' meaning 'green } fungus which is embedded between the first and second metatarsal which } comes from wearing the same pair of socks for more than three days and } smells real funny and is green and sticky and the only way you can get } rid of it is to sit in the bathtub for hours and wash and wash and } wash and scrub and scrub' (Japanese is a real compact language, you } know). } } Actually, tochi first originated in Japan due to the ninjutsu warriors } who insisted on wearing the same silly uniform day after day after day } without washing it.  This went on for several tens of years, until } adversaries of the ninjustu complained to the Japanese government that } the ninja warriors weren't washing their feet before kicking someone } in the head.  After much debate, the ninjutsu compromised by washing } their uniforms every day. } } Today, most of the world's tochi comes from computer programmers who } sit at terminals for days on end debugging programs, and from a } certain kind of farmer called 'tochitsu', which means 'he who tends to } green fungus which is embedded between the first and second metatarsal } which comes from wearing the same pair of socks for more than three } days and smells real funny and is green and sticky and the only way } you can get rid of it is to sit in the bathtub for hours and wash and } wash and wash and scrub and scrub'.   Tochi is harvested by the } tochitsu and exported worldwide.  It is used in many things, such as } insect repellent, ant and roach spray, Weight Watchers' spinach } quiche, and Tammy Faye Bakker's make-up. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.  And Tammy Faye's address.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I eat, and I eat, and I eat.  I go to movies.  I ruminate frequently and > at great length on novel uses for packing twine.  I have established a > peaceful and mutually beneficial relationship with my toaster, as well > as my accountant and my driveway.  When I move, I move with grace, and I > count the moments until the Millenium.  I know that I am a "child of the > universe" and I "have a right to be here" even though my digital watch > ignores me when I sleep.  My cat...  well, I won't go into it.  My > question is this: > >         Can rice be served on raw toast at family gatherings? >         As a joke, I mean...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... let me check with some associates of mine. } } > Operator? } # Yes? } > Please connect me with the heavenly caffeteria, good taste and } > practical jokes division. } # Yes, sir. } } @ Hello? (chop, scream) } > Yes, Great and Mighty Oracle here.  Do you know if it is considered } > in good taste to serve rice on raw toast, as a joke. } @ Huh? (chop, chop, grind, scream) } > Rice on raw toast. } @ Twice on saw post? (tear, pop, scream) } > RICE ON RAW TOAST! } @ Oh, rice on raw toast. (grind, sobbing, begging, scream) } > Yes. } @ Yes. (silence) } > Yes. } @ Yes. (creak) } > Is it OK?!? } @ Good question. (loud creak) } > Let's here a good answer. } @ Let me get my book. (CRASH! scream, scream)  "Rice on raw toast: } considered to be quite a delicacy in some tribes in southern Africa. } Not normally (sobbing) eaten in polite (yell) company.  Hey!  Keep it } down back there!  It's flavor is completely uninteresting and } unfunny."  There you have it. } > Thanks.  By the way, what are you guys doing there? } @ Uhhhhh.... just a little experimental cooking. (click!) } } There you have it.  You owe the oracle a megaphone and a cookbook.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was watching Gilligan's Island the other day and I'm convinced now > that both Gilligan and the Skipper are homosexuals and I was wondering > if this is true because if I happened to be stranded on a island I > certainly would have made a play for Mrs.  Howell (what a babe). > Whaddaya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really! } } And what if they were?  You must learn to be more accepting, and to stop } projecting your gender identity crisis onto loveable fictional } characters who also happen to be cultural icons.  Reducing everyone } (male or female) to sexual objects is socially unacceptable:  go work } off your frustration on a video/pinball machine. } } You owe the Oracle a Nintendo Arcade and a sensitivity session with Act } Up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fianally I think I have found a chess opponent worthy of me. > The almighty omniscient oracle. Being all knowing I will take the > advantage of bein white. > > 1 e2-e4 > > How do you respond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, even though you are not using proper chess notation (Your proper } notation should have been P-Q4), I shall analyze the game anyway. } } Analyzing............................. } } The Oracle has determined that you have won in 58 moves.  There is no } possible way for me to overcome you.  Oracle resigns.