Goto:

107, 107-01, 107-02, 107-03, 107-04, 107-05, 107-06, 107-07, 107-08, 107-09, 107-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is one supposed to address an oracle, and am I supposed to > capitalize 'oracle' ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         There are no strict protocols for addressing the Oracle.  The } main consideration is that the address be respectful and/or } complimentary, evidencing humility and awe.  Originality will often } bring you well into the Oracle's special favor, and may even get you a } date with Lisa.  Some examples od appropriate Oracular address: } } Oracle, without whom I am lost: } O Great One: } Oracle, who is so big, we're really impressed down here... } O Oracle, who screams like a gypsy when aroused! } My noble Lady, to whom I come on bended keyboard } Child of the Sun, may I be the neXt to receive a Sparc of your wisdom } Beautiful and Bright Oracle, Lady of the Night } Hail Oracle, full of grace } My Lord and Master the Oracle: } One-Without-Whom-Rec.Humor-Has-No-Reason-To-Exist } O Oracle, child of Delphi, who remembers when Life was Good! } O awe-inspiring one! } I come to You in great humility, for although I am not worthy to suck }       your Oracular toes, I come to seek your Wisdom. } } The Oracle loves capital letters, but only at the beginnings of Words. } ORACLE just looks like you are yelling. } } Innappropriate forms of address to the Oracle are as follows: } } oracel } Auricle } O Oracle Most Vice } Pigface, Squidfingers, Lemur-tush, or any other combination of }       animal + body part } Hey Ugly! } Dear Oracle (even though I know you're really a computer geek, just }       like me!  :-)  ) } Jim Bakker! } O One-Balled Wonder! } } If you keep to these guidelines, your answers should be given in a } timely and pleasant fashion. } } You owe the Oracle a short devotional prayer tonight at midnight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Abstracts detract from my concrete life. >       Psychotropics cause me strife. >       Mental welfare passed me by; >       Oracle, Tell me:  why oh why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Intellectual life you see, } Is fine if you're as smart as me; } But for someone of the unwashed mob, } I suggest a real job. } } You owe the Oracle the head of an intellectual who doesn't know what } he's talking about.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does "splunge" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Splunge" - /splunj/ 1.  n.  The official copyrighted name of the } combination of cake and cream in a Twinkie@.  2a.  The plasma/mattre } state of the universe instantaneously following the Big Bang.  2b. } Anyone resembling the plasma/mattrestate of the Universe instantaneously } following the Big Bang.  3.  The centre of gravity of any of a wide } variety of fruit flies indigenous to Madagascar.  4.  adj.  To appear as } splunge.  5.  green on the outside yet purple within.  6.  adv.  To act } as if one were splunge.  7.  With a dorky smile on one's face.  ex.  Dan } Quayle walks splunge.  8.  v.  To kiss one's own ass.  ex.  Dan Quayle } splunges splunge.  9.  To suck the filling out of any cake-like plastic.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, what a Joker!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To quote a great confuser: > > Confucious say, "Up with fission.  Confusion." > > What did he mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  It is a little known fact that Confucious was more than a great } pontificator, (perhaps without peer).  He was the horniest bugger eyed } cobber to ever grace the planet.  I mean this guy was a naughty rake, a } lascivious imp, a randy tart.  He would boink the odd Housefrau then } stay out of trouble later by saying something deep.  Back then, (as } today) people really ate that shit up. } }  Confucious had a dream that, one day, man would have a sexual } experience that would totally bypass the need to stuff the salami with } another married lady, and would not result in a crippling case of tennis } elbow.  In short, Confucious believed in the possibility of human } biological fission, (the ability of the parent organism to divide into } two or more parts, each becoming an independent individual).  After a } lifetime of study involving alchemy, the old boy did it.  One dark and } stormy night, he split himself into two seperate beings.  The local } peasants found them both, sitting on a pile of smoking violets, sharing } a mentholated cigarette.  As it turned out, both of the new Confucious' } were more tawdry than the original.  Many an evening one, or both, of } the new fellows were seen performing cheap and sleazy acts to the } consternation of the town's married men.  The story ended in a large } amount of confusion, (just as Confucious predicted) when a local farmer } pushed one of the Confucious' off of a second story ledge where he had } been hiding after an interrupted session of "The Lonely Milkmaid and the } Naughty Convict".  The peasant was arrested and later acquitted for } making an obscene clone fall, (cough). } }  You owe the Oracle another shaggy dog.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's the leader of the Club that's made for you and me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} D-A-N } 4-T-H } Q-U-A-L-E } } Danforth Quayle.. }   (danforth quayle!) } Danforth Quayle.. }   (danforth quayle!) } Rah! } Rah! } Rah! } rah.. } rah.. } rah } } oops. } } Why, it's Mickey Mouse, of course. } } You Owe the Oracle another embarassing moment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise and all knowing Oracle, whose wisdom ignites the seas, > whose every thought is more wonderous and bright than the Fourth Of > July, whose very breath can impart the knowledge of the stars into > words, whose keyboard aches in lust to feel your fingertips rub its > keys, your delicate yet manly typing sliding along its warm, soft > curves, your lips pressing against... > *ahem* > ...whose sage advice moves mountains, thrusting them into the air in > explosions of power, spurting over and over and OH GOD, YES!!  YES YES > YESYESYES!!!! > > NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The oracle has gazed into the fire and seen a vision which has formed } in the clouds with your face in it.  You will begin your journey where } the river flows into the sea.  You will start at this mouth.  Open, } warm, inviting you do spend hours exploring its territory.  If you are } athirst, you may lean over and dip your tongue into the beckoningly into } the mouth.  You will continue your journey setting your sights towards } the twin peaks.  Your hands reach out, achingly.  You close your eyes } and continue sailing.  The mouth is warm on your rudder, you arch your } back and reach again for the peaks.  Wave after wave come crashing over } you and just when you think you can go no further, you wake on the } beach.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I have to go and fall in love with a girl 150 miles away, > and then go and crash my car on the way to see her so that I have to pay > out vast amounts of money for repairs, and do you think this could be > why I am just a mite pissed off ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't blame me - I had a nice girl picked out for you just across town. } My inquiries indicate that Aphrodite has randomly selected you from a } list of thousands for Her annual "Travails of Love" sweepstakes.  Enter } now and you could win the grand prize:  a no-expenses-paid trip of } aggravation and bitterness and a little joy through the rest of your } life. } } PS:  If you don't enter, you are guaranteed the consolation prize, which }      is exactly the same as the grand prize, without any joy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I really want to ask you a question, but I don't know what to > ask.  What should I ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a meta-question.  I'll have to ask the meta-oracle.  Hang on a } second. } } % cat > question } What should I ask you? } ^D } % mail -s "tell me" meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu < question } } Dum-te-dum-te-dum... } } waiting... } } still waiting....... } } I wonder if he had to refer that to the meta-meta-article? } } still waiting... } } !!!! NEW MAIL FOR oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu !!!! } } % mailx }     1 meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 19 16:50 infinite/infinit } e The Meta-Oracle replies! } ? q } } I'm terribly sorry, the response from the Meta-Oracle seems to be } infinite in length.  While that is fine for local mail, I'm afraid the } backbone would cut me off if I tried to send it to you. } } Sorry. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything...  including any stupid or inane } questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think people using oracle have any idea that there are also > BITNET users using oracle ?  Do you have any messages for us, IBM/VM > users ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *warm smile* My child, to the Oracle, there is no "Bitnet" or "Telnet" } or division according to technology!  All the children of God are One, } in the Oracles eyes.  All are welcome to use the Oracle, even the } unwashed heathen who use Wangs, Ataris, and non-Mac non-PC } compatibles...now go, and debug no more. } AND GET A REAL COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a Commodore VIC-20