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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which name is the better one for a cold, swampy, nasty island: Tolring > or Tol Khelet? And if none of them fits: What is a good name for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How about "England"? } } You owe the Oracle Milton Keynes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> EAT FLAMING DEATH, QUEUE DRAINING SCUM!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You cannot eat Death while Death is alive. There is no Queue-Draining } Scum here. } } LOOK } } You are in a dungeon. There is a locked and barred heavy wood door to } the east. There is a grating in the wall to the west. There is a } drainpipe to the North. There is a FIFO stack here. Death is here. } } LOOK DRAINPIPE } } The drainpipe is full of mold. } } TAKE MOLD } } You pick up the mold } } QUEUE MOLD ON STACK } } You have queued the mold. } } INVENTORY } } You are wearing a tunic and breeches. You have a cigarette lighter. } } WIELD LIGHTER } } You wield the cigarette lighter in your right hand. } } ATTACK DEATH } } You set Death on fire. Death seems to be enjoying the warmth. } } TAKE MOLD } } You pick up the mold. } } OFFER MOLD TO DEATH } } Death takes the mold. } } SAY "TRY IT, IT'S GOOD" } } Death nibbles the mold. } } Congratulations! You have made flaming death eat queued drain scum. You } have attained the rank of Does Not Have a Life. Play Again? (Y/n) n } } You owe the Oracle a 'Zork the Dork' Beanie Baby.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most eternally erudite one, what will be the most significant things > that happen in 1999?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} January: The Senate fails to convict Clinton, settles for a cream } pie in his face instead. } } February: Newt Gingrich begins his "Don't Call It a Comeback" campaign } for President. } } March: A meteorite impact levels the Detroit metropolitan area. } } April: Clinton visits the Detroit Impact Site, declares it a National } Monument.  In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and } beneficience of God." } } May: Religious groups condemn Clinton for such an obvious and feeble } attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } June: A meteorite impact levels the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. } } July: The Pope visits the D.C. impact site, declares it an Act of God. } In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and beneficience } of God." } } August: Religious groups condemnt the Pope for such an obvious and } feeble attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } September: A meteorite impact levels the Redmond, Wa. metropolitan } area. } } October: God manifests Himself at the Redmond Impact Site, claiming } responsibility for the Detroit, Washington, and Redmond meteorites, } declaring them Acts of God.  In his words, "This is a testament to } My wisdom and beneficience." } } November: Religious groups condemn God for such an obvious and feeble } attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } December: Everybody parties like it's 1999. } } You owe the Oracle a more optimistic wall calendar for 1999.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the easiest way to get into the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start slowly, take your time. .. the digests are easiest to get into } when you're in the right mode. } } First brew a cup of tea. As the tea simmers clear off a corner of your } desk for your feet. Put on some music, John McLaughlin works well.  Dim } the lights. } } Now with your feet up, music in the background and tea at hand slowly } read the first offering from the digest. Ah, did you learn something? } Or chuckle? If not don't be dismayed. Sip some tea and go on to the } second sharing. Take your time, reflect on the subtle wit and ironic } insights. . . } } Had enough? You don't -have- to read it all at once. Put it aside as } you would a tome of fine poems, return to it when you feel a calling. } } If this doesn't get you into the digests try reading some of the } archives at: http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/archive.html } } If you're still not into it, sigh, perhaps the digests are not for } you.  Maybe your tastes run more to inane in-jokes and running gags } that no one understands any more, but are afraid to inquiring as to } their origins. If so then go read rec.humor.oracle.d, which despite the } name has -nothing- to do with The Internet Oracle, it's more a } counter-weight to my endless quest to aid the world, an antithesis, a } dark, unsober cackling of madness that revels in lunacy and dis-array. } In short, it's my fan club. And there's not a damn one of them that } isn't in arrears as to their dues. } } You owe the Oracle a sledge hammer and an ice chest.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who can truly grok Archimedies (nee Ludwig) > Plutonium, > > What ever happened to Serdar Argic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my old friend the Zumabot, I remember him well! Wanna hear my Argic } impersonation? Ahem... } } "Hey, gum brain! Are you pretending not to be aware that 2.5 million } innocent Turkish people were genocided by Armenian terrorists from the } ASALA/SDPA/ARF Terrorism Triangle during 1914-1920? Do I have to quote } even more scholarly references at you? What are you, a Muslim-hating } genocide apologist? Don't imagine that the crimes of your criminal } Armenian grandparents will ever be forgotten, Supplicantian! In any } event, let me get back to the real issue at hand..." } } And I do a really mean Robert McElwaine too! It goes like this... what? } Oh, alright. Kinzler gently suggests that I get back to answering the } question. You can put that cattle prod away now, Steve. } } So, why did the lovable old psycho disappear so suddenly, eh? Was the } spook recalled by his secret Turkish government handlers? Was the } propaganda campaign terminated because of the bad publicity it was } generating? Did UUNet finally give in to pressure from right-thinking } Netizens to close his account, and he never found another ISP prepared } to act as a platform for his ravings? } } Needless to say, it is none of the above. He, Cosar, Mutlu and the } rest of their cell were rounded up by agents of the USDA, and all } ended up on the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day, 1994. Serdar himself } was eaten by the Furr family, if I recall correctly. On the Net, no-one } may know if you're a dog, but they can damn well spot a turkey when } they see one.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ring around the woodchucks, > the Oracle is just tops, > askmes, askmes, > the queue is drained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, hey, you found my old nursery rhyme book!  I've been looking for } that for ages.  I thought I'd lost it forever.  Some of my all-time } favorite poetry is in here. } } <flip> } }           Little Jack Zadoc }           Sat in the paddock }           Sucking away at the queue. } }           He logged in to Juno, }           And said, "What do you know? }           I might be Digested, too!" } } <flip> } }                    Orrie had a little queue, }                    Little queue, little queue. }                    Orrie had a little queue, }                    With wood that none could chuck. } }                    And everywhere that Hotmail goes, }                    Hotmail goes, Hotmail goes, }                    Everywhere that Hotmail goes, }                    The answer's sure to suck. } } <flip> } }        Orrie's queue is filling up, }        Filling up, filling up. }        Orrie's queue is filling up, }        My fair Lisa. } } And you thought you knew where all the in-jokes came from, didn't you. } Wrong-oh!  They all started right here in this book.  Thanks for } finding it for me.  This has really made my day. } } You owe the Oracle the rhyme about the bright red Siamese fighting } fish. That page seems to be missing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and puissant Oracle, > > Why the hell is my wife so hell-bent on calling our cat, who barely has > two brain cells to rub together, such a "little sweetie"?  The damn' > thing's dumber than drier lint. > > Thanks for clearing this up for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women and little fluffy animals - it's not a subject amenable to logic. } I've met Rabid Hell-Beasts that went by names like "Mr Woogums" } and "Flopsy Snuggles", so they don't even have to be little and fluffy. } } As for your kitten being dumber than drier lint, that's nothing } terribly surprising; they all are - they're just Nature's Marketers. } Think about it - most cat owners will admit they're not very } bright, but only under duress; and popular opinion has them down as } sophisticated, elegant creatures who own their owners and all that rot. } It's all Marketing!  Nobody mentions all the times they run into walls, } or fall asleep somewhere raised and then fall off, or... } } If you'll excuse me, I have to go feed, errr... Ripper.  Because it's } time, that's why, no other reason. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dogs are from Mars, Cats are from Venus". } } <"Daddy's coming, Wiffly Bear!  Here's your din-dins!">

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient and non-pediculous Oracle, > who is schooled so highly in irony and good taste that the > response to this unworthy request will avoid the otherwise > utterly inevitable longwindedness, > > What happened to all the clever, witty, and SHORT answers > to the supplicants' questions?  Has wit lost its soul of > brevity?  Is longwindedness a real word?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACULAR UNION TELEGRAM CO } MESSAGE BEGINS } } ANSWERS IN REVERSE ORDER STOP } YES STOP } MINE HASN'T STOP } WHEREAS A SHORT ANSWER HAS THE UNDENIABLE AND NOT UNVALUABLE BENEFIT OF } SNAPPINESS A QUALITY PARTICULARLY PRIZED IN THESE HASTY MODERN TIMES A } MORE LEISURELY AND CONSIDERED APPROACH TO THE ART OF ORACULAR UTTERANCE } MAY YIELD IMPORTANT ADVANTAGES IN THOROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY FURNISHING } THE SUPPLICANT WITH AN ANSWER TO HIS OR INDEED IT MAY BE HER OR EVEN } THEIR QUESTION AND ALSO PERMITS A FULLER EXPLORATION OF THE VERY NOOKS } AND CRANNIES OF THE DEPTHS OF THE PRICELESS HUMOUR CONTAINED IN A GOOD } ORACULAR QUESTION WITH THE SUBSEQUENT AND CONCOMMITANT RESULT THAT } INCREASINGLY IN RECENT TIMES A GROWING NUMBER OF INCARNATIONS ARE } CHOOSING TO ESCHEW THE BITESIZE MTV STYLE ORACULARITY AND TURN INSTEAD } TO THE PLEASING PORTLY VERBOSITY AND THE MELLIFLUOUS CICERONIAN PHRASES } WHICH ARE SURELY THE HALLMARK OF A CIVILIZED RESPONSE TO AN HUMOROUS } INQUIRY STOP } SO THERE STOP } } MESSAGE ENDS } } You owe the Oracle a one-line summary of the Lord of the Rings.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and > sinister way to earn $4.80?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about. } } You owe the Oracle $4.00 (plus 20% service charge)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmmm, beautiful console...excellent ergodynamics...mm-hmmm...wonderful > keyboard layout...truly inspired choice of port plugs...a definite 9.2. > What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you need psychiatric help.  I've seen Oedipal complexes before, } but I've never seen someone sexually attracted to his motherboard. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of chips.