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} Pretty much the same as usual. Here's my schedule for the day, if you
} must know:
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
} shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
} coooold out there today." Where's he escaped from, I wonder?
} Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00 Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast.
} 08:48 Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49 Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
} thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one (that's you,
} in case you couldn't guess).
} 08:50 Answer the rest of the questions.
} 09:26 Zadoc enters and starts grovelling.
} 11:14 Zadoc finishes grovelling and asks if I want a cup of coffee.
} 12:30 Lunch.
} 13:48 Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
} expensive clothes but I put my foot down. Lisa sulks until I
} promise to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15 We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards we
} make love like sea otters.
} 23:06 Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
} shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
} coooold out there today." Does this moron say the same thing
} every day? Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00 Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast. Start experiencing an
} uncomfortable sense of deja vu.
} 08:48 Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49 Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
} thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one. Anyway, the
} idiot's a day late - it's now the 3rd of February, for god's
} sake!
} 08:50 Answer the rest of the questions, all of which look eerily
} familiar.
} 09:26 Zadoc enters and starts grovelling. I tell him to shut up and he
} slopes off, sobbing quietly. Now I have to get my own coffee.
} 12:30 Lunch.
} 13:48 Lisa wants to go shopping. I say I can't because something's
} very wrong and I have to work it out. Lisa sulks until I promise
} to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15 We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards I'm
} too preoccupied to make love, and Lisa sulks again.
} 22:55 Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's starts saying "Rise and
} shine, campers..." but I switch him off. What the hell's going
} on? Lisa doesn't stir.
} 07:58 Cut myself shaving and skip breakfast.
} 08:29 Fire up the question queue.
} 08:30 Zot the imbecile with the w**dchuck question.
} 08:31 Zot all the rest of the stupid supplicants for good measure.
} 09:26 Zadoc enters and I Zot him. I go out into the corridor and Zot
} the coffee machine.
} 12:30 Skip lunch.
} 12:39 Lisa wants to go shopping. I explain that I can't because I keep
} reliving the same day. Lisa says that's the feeblest excuse
} she's ever heard in her life, and sulks until I promise to take
} her out to dinner.
} 20:15 We go out, she eats lobster but I just drink endless pina
} coladas. They don't seem to work. "Can I have one of these with
} some alcohol in it?" I ask the waiter sarcastically. He makes
} some smartass retort so I Zot him. The police are called in.
} 21:43 I'm put in a police holding cell. Maybe if I stay awake, I can
} break this cycle.
} 23:57 Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Before the inane DJ can say a word I
} Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up, so I Zot her.
} 07:54 Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:06 Fire up the question queue and Zot all the supplicants without
} reading any of the questions. Zot the console. Zot every object
} in the room.
} 08:28 Go out to the priests' quarters and Zot Zadoc as he emerges from
} his cell. Find Kinzler and Zot him too, just because.
} 08:52 Go outside and Zot any passers-by I see.
} 09:03 Zot myself.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up,
} and I explain I've worked it out. It's a fiendish plot by those
} wretched rodents! The only way I can save myself is to destroy
} the mastermind behind it - Punxsutawney Phil himself! Lisa
} suggests I'm a few demigods short of a pantheon. I ignore her
} and leap out of bed.
} 07:57 Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:13 Ransack the storeroom where I keep the gifts from supplicants.
} There - I knew I had some! A phial of mixomatosis virus. Now
} I'll get that smug little beggar!
} 09:11 Get in the car and head for Pennsylvania.
} 09:44 Hell and damnation! The police are turning people back, claiming
} the roads are blocked by snow. I try to break through but only
} succeed in crashing the car into some police vehicles.
} 12:25 I'm put in a police holding cell. I call Lisa to come and bail
} me out, but she says I can stay there until I come to my senses.
} I decide to try and stay awake again.
} 23:59 Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his spiel, but
} I restrain myself from attacking the radio. I must try and work
} this out rationally. Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but
} doesn't wake.
} 08:05 Shave and have breakfast, careful not to burn the toast.
} 09:17 Fire up the question queue. Is it something to do with the
} questions, perhaps? If so, which one?
} 09:19 Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question. Maybe I
} shouldn't Zot the supplicant out of hand. Ridiculous - I always
} Zot infidels who ask the w**dchuck question! I Zot the little
} swine, as he so richly deserves.
} 09:21 Start answering the rest of the questions, carefully. I can't
} figure out what I could have done wrong with any of them.
} 09:26 Zadoc interrupts my concentration by entering and launching into
} one of his long-winded bouts of grovelling. I tell him I haven't
} got time, and just to get me a cup of coffee. He slopes out,
} dejected. Should I have been nicer to him? Ridiculous - nobody's
} nice to Zadoc! That really would disturb the balance of the
} universe.
} 12:30 Lunch.
} 13:48 Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
} expensive clothes, so I agree. What the hell - she looks great in
} them. Lisa's so pleased she promises to make me dinner herself
} tonight.
} 19:45 Lisa cooks up a magnificent feast of Parma ham and melon,
} followed by chicken chausseur with Anna potatoes, baby
} cauliflower ears and mangetouts, and profiteroles to round it all
} off. We empty three bottles of Chateau Rothschild. Afterwards we
} make love like sea otters.
} 23:33 Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his all too
} familiar routine. Hell's bells! What have I got to do to escape
} this nightmare? Lisa asks what's up, and I explain about being
} forced to relive the same day over and over. She acts very
} concerned but I can see she doesn't really believe me.
} 08:28 I shave while Lisa makes me breakfast. She probably doesn't
} trust me near kitchen implements at the moment.
} 09:23 Fire up the question queue.
} 09:24 Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question again. Maybe
} what matters is not what I do every day, but what I do on this
} day. Have I ever Zotted someone for asking the w**dchuck
} question on Groundhog Day, the one day in the year sacred to the
} God of All Marmots? I find I can't remember.
} 09:26 Zadoc enters. Before he can launch into his long-winded grovel,
} I ask him for his opinion on the subject.
} 09:29 After Zadoc has picked himself up off the floor, where his
} astonishment at my asking his opinion on anything had deposited
} him, he confirms that, in as far as he's aware, I've never
} Zotted a w**dchuck questioner on this day before. That must be
} it! I thank Zadoc for his invaluable help. More time is lost as
} Zadoc has to pick himself up off the floor again. He goes out to
} lie down and recover from the shock, so I get no coffee. No
} matter.
} 09:41 I give the question a long, finely-crafted, kindly answer. I
} spend most of the morning on it, chuckling to myself as I imagine
} how thrilled the supplicant will be when he gazes in awe at
} probably the best answer he's ever received in his dreary little
} life.
} 12:29 Answer the rest of the questions. I can do those in my sleep by
} now.
} 12:30 Lunch.
} 13:48 Offer to go shopping with Lisa, but she thinks that it would
} excite me too much. She makes me lie down and spends the
} afternoon solicitously tending to my every need. If I'm doomed to
} relive the same day for all eternity, I can think of worse ways
} of doing it!
} 19:00 Lisa refuses to consider going out for dinner, and makes me a
} light supper in bed. Animatedly, I explain to her that I've
} solved the puzzle and I'm never going to be cruel to another
} w**dchuck as long as I live, which is forever, so they ought
} to be pretty grateful, right? In fact, I shall start calling
} them by their proper name - woodchuck. There, I've said it.
} Woodchuck! That's not so bad now, is it? Woooodchuck. One could
} grow to like the word. Lisa is clearly very worried but tries
} bravely not to show it.
} 22:18 Fall asleep while Lisa gently strokes my forehead.
}
} 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's saying "Looks like
} there's a break in the weather, and we can look forward to some
} sunshine today, campers." I've cracked it! I shout with joy.
} Lisa wakes and asks what's up, and I ask what day it is. "The
} 3rd, of course," says she, "and are you having another turn?" I
} tell her I've never felt better, and plant a big fat smacker on
} her lips. She feels kind of fuzzy.
} 08:01 I go into the bathroom to shave. A furry, bewhiskered face
} stares back at me in the shaving mirror. My god! I look like a...
} a...
} 08:02 The realisation dawns on me that the nightmare's only just
} begun.
}
} You owe the Oracle, er... well, some wood, actually. Never you mind
} what I want it for.
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