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} So, you want to be a priest in 20 years?
}
} Well, among other things, the Oracle subscribes to the "Vatican Watch"
} news service. Let's just look at a sampling of events over the next 20
} years that will shape the priesthood:
}
} I'm, sure you've seen this one...
} 2/13/1999: National Tattler magazine reports that the Catholic Church
} and Microsoft to merge... Bill Gates will assume title of Vice-Pope and
} CEO... church's artwork to be strictly licensed for use in the
} MS-Classics Screensaver (tm)... new Microsoft Church products...
} minimum system requirements Pentium II/450, 256 MB ram, 9 GB free disk
} space.
}
} ... but, you know how rumors are...
}
} 6/17/1999: (AP) Archbishop of the New York diocese announced a
} controversial new stand on birth control today. His "Life begins at
} Deception" statement states that once a woman (or man) lies to their
} partner about being on birth control, any subsequent act preventing
} birth is sinful. "We need the converts." He said after cameras were
} turned off.
}
} 8/31/2001: (Reuters) White Smoke over the Vatican. "We have a new
} pope." Following the technical, societal and economic upheaval of the
} Y2K crisis, the Church has elected its 7th Pope in the last 20 months.
} In his first statement to the world, Pope John-Paul-George-Ringo I, has
} decided that all Masses shall be held in ancient Latin. "Since most of
} the Third World has reverted to the Dark Ages, we should reflect the
} trends of the majority of our congregation."
}
} 12/7/2006: (Variety) Today, entertainer Michael Jackson announced his
} intent to become a priest. "After all, I have all of the
} qualifications, I love children, and I've been technically celibate for
} years! I'd love to follow in the footsteps of the founder of Boys
} Town, and establish the same kind of loving, caring place for young
} boys."
}
} 12/31/2009: (CNN) On the eve of the 10th anniversary of the Y2K Crash,
} Ted Turner announced today that he is buying the *entire* collection of
} artworks belonging to the Vatican in a joint venture with the Disney
} Company. Citing financial woes, a Church spokesman confirmed the
} report that all of the famous works, including the Sistine Chapel will
} be transferred to a new theme park being built outside Atlanta.
} Turner/Disney's "Vatican World" will feature exhibits, and thrill rides
} such as the "Pirates of the Seven Deadly Sins" indoor ride, and a high
} speed roller coaster tentatively named the "Hail Mary." Park
} attendants will be dressed in cassocks and habits depicting 2000 years
} monastery and convent fashion. "Of course, some of the artworks will
} need restoring a colorizing before we can put them on display," Turner
} commented.
}
} 8/19/2014: (VatNewsNet) The Vatican III reformation conference is
} still going strong. On this weeks agenda: "Are clones subject to
} Original Sin?" One side of the debate declares that a clone would only
} carry the half the burden of original sin... The clone of a clone -
} only one quarter... Next weeks topic will be whether the traditional
} title of "Father" should be changed to "Surrogate Parental Figure of No
} Familial Attachment who Functions in a Caregiver Role."
}
} 4/12/2015: (Science Channel, transponder 312) Following last year's
} Vatican III declaration that clones are not subject to Original Sin,
} the Catholic church has decided that all Priests, monks and nuns should
} be clones. "We have the potential to engineer a race of gender neutral
} spiritual guides exempt from the <ahem> scandals of years past," stated
} Pope Elroy. "This will vastly improve the quality of the Church and
} streamline the selection process for higher level Church offices." The
} term "Priest" will subsequently be discontinued and replace with the
} title "Mediator." The clones will be addressed as "Parent" instead of
} "Father," and the Brotherhoods (Monks) and Sisterhoods (Nuns) will be
} merged into the "Siblinghood of Assistants."
}
} 10/1/2018: (Washington Post) Today the Vatican announced the selection
} of a new Pope in a record time. Pope John CXXIV succeeded Pope Elroy
} 10 minutes after the passing of the last non-clone Leader of the
} Religious World. "There was no trouble making the decision since we're
} all alike. We just drew straws and I was the lucky one," stated the
} new Pope. Regarding his selection of accession name, the Pope replied:
} "I know the tradition was to select a name and number in keeping with
} your predecessor. Still, it's a brave new world! It's much more
} accurate to use my cloning tank label."
}
} 2/5/2019: (MSNBABCBSFOX.COM) Today the Catholic Church announced that
} it would purchase the troubled MicroSoft Corporation. The
} software/communications giant has been on the brink of bankruptcy
} since the death of founder Bill Gates last year in a duel with Steve
} Jobs. For more details, press or say "1" now
} Sidebars:
} ...Click here... President DiCaprio denounces increase in dueling to
} settle lawsuits.
} ...Click here... Vatican says dueling is not suicide.
} ...Click here... Catholic Church buys Disney, regains treasured
} artwork
} ...Click here... Turner "decolorizing" technology to be applied to
} defaced art
} ...Click here... Interview with HighMediator John MCMXCIX of
} LosFransciso. Do clones fall in love?
}
} **** Well, there you have it. that's what will shape the
} Priesthood^WMediatorhood 20 years from now. ****
}
} You owe the Oracle a sexless artificial life form that speaks
} incomprehensibly, Oh, sorry, I already have Zadoc and Og. Oh well,
} just tell the Lisa's that I'll be waiting for them in the hot-tub.
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