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} Fine, thanks for asking!
}
} Y'know, that was possibly the nicest grovel I've seen in oh, say, 45
} minutes!
} Why, here I was, idly answering supplications at a lazy rate of
} 64,000 per minute (I'm fast. Just ask Lisa), thinking to myself:
} "When am I gonna get a decent grovel from these impudent ingrates?".
} And *ding* goes the mailbox, and something like this pops up, and I
} think to myself 'Now that's more like it!'.
}
} I tellya, the quality of the average supplication today....
}
} "ORACLE!"
}
} Huh? Who was that?
}
} "THIS IS JEHOVAH SPEAKING!!"
}
} Oh. Hi, Pop! How's it hanging?
}
} "TWO INCHES FROM A CROSS, JUST AS ALWAYS"
}
} Ha, ha. What can I do you for?
}
} "WHAT'S THIS _PRAYING_ BULLS**T YOU'RE GETTING?"
}
} Oh, it's just a very nice supplication (although I must admit the
} actual *question* leaves something to be desi...
}
} "DO YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CONDONE THIS?"
}
} Well, it's a very nice grovel, don't you think?
}
} "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? *ME*?"
}
} Well, I *am* a Deity, you know...
}
} "YOU ARE NOT A GOD! YOU ARE VAIN AND FOOLISH!"
}
} Hey, be nice, okay, pal? You need to work on your people skills, you
} know? And what's more, you need to TOGGLE THAT DAMN CAPS-LOCK KEY!
} I'not deaf you know! And I am *TOO* a God!!!
} See? I have a long beard! I have a long, flowing robe. I have cool
} power-tools! I can incinerate any human being, building or piece of
} legal evidence on a mere whim. Plus, I have a real crappy temper. And
} I'm immortal, too boot! God material, for sure!
} So there!
}
} "YOU ARE BUT A MERE INK-BLOTCH IN THE GIANT BOOK OF LIFE!
} YOU ARE BUT A CIGARETTE IN AN 'AA' MEETING!
} YOU ARE BUT A FLY-SPECK ON THE WINDSHIELD OF TIME!
} YOUR SIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS IS THAT OF A
} DAVID HASSELHOFF SONG ON THE TOP 40!
} YOU ARE BUT A QUARTER OF SCOTCH IN TED KENNEDY'S CUPBOARD!
}
} Ouch! That hurt! What's your beef, anyway?
}
} "MORTALS ARE SUPPOSED TO PRAY TO *ME*!
} YOU'RE MUSCLEING IN ON MY TERRITORY!!"
}
} Oh yeah? So what? Whatcha gonna do about it, Big Boy?
}
} "AHM GOAN MESS YOU UP!"
}
} (whipping up the staff of Zot with gunslinger speed)
} You coppin' a attitude, Boy? Wanna pick a fight, huh?
}
} "COME GET IT, BUBBA! IT'S RIGHT HERE!"
}
} (Pregnant pause, during which The Oracle sneaks around the Oracular
} Halls, in a Miami Vice-style semi-crouch, holding his s.o.Z in front
} of him with both hands. Kinda like Will Smith in 'Bad Boys'. Except
} that he isn't black, OR funny, and looks pretty dorky in his white
} robe.)
}
} Where _are_ you, anyway? I can't see you!
}
} "HAH! THAT'S WHAT ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS SAY!
} KEEP'EM GUESSING, I ALWAYS SAY!"
}
} No fair! How'm Ah s'poseta ZOT yo ass if I cain't *seeya*?
}
} "JUST LIKE YOU DO THAT CRAP EBONICS IMITATION:
} TRIAL AND FAILURE. MOSTLY FAILURE. HEH, HEH!"
}
} C'mon out, you big chicken! Fight like a man!
}
} (GOD appears, in a flash of blinding light)
}
} Aaaagh! My eyes! I'm blind! Oh God, I'm blind!!!
}
} "THIS IS EXCACTLY WHY I DON'T GET TO DATE MUCH."
}
} (The oracle fumbles blindly inside his long, flowing robe for a few
} seconds, eventually producing a pair of Ray-Bans. He puts them on,
} which makes him actually look pretty fly for a white guy.)
}
} Hah! I *knew* these would come in handy. I'm not omniscient for
} nothing, you know.
}
} "WHAT DOES 'OMNISCIENT' MEAN?"
}
} It basically means that I'm very smart and knows how to spell tough
} words.
}
} "ENOUGH PUSSYFOOTING! LET'S ROCK!
} EAT FLAMING DEATH, HERETIC SCUM!
} THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!"
}
} (An enormous bolt of immensely powerful lightning thunders down,
} incinerating the roof, and hits the Oracle right in the head)
}
} <ZZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!>
}
} (Fortunately the Oracle, who knows how to spell 'Omniscient', has
} anticipated this course of events, and has donned a
} lightning-repellent helmet which, not only averts the lightning bolt
} and saves his $200 hairdo, but also makes him look like a dork once
} again. Oh well, you can't have everything, can you?)
}
} Nice try, Jehovah! Now EAT THIS!
}
} <ZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOTTTTTT!>
}
} (GOD, who has tried to disguise himself as a piece of shrubbery, is
} hit dead center by the powerful Zot ray, and is immediately set on
} fire. So now you know where that 'burning bush' thing came from.)
}
} "OUCH! I SHOULDA TRIED THE "ZOT REFLECTOR DISGUISE" INSTEAD.
} BUMMER!"
}
} Stings, don't it? Muahaha! Ready to fold, Bush-Man?
}
} (GOD, calling down a torrent of rain, puts himself out quite nicely,
} and asssumes a more Zeus-like form. Complete with Marvel-style
} lightning-bolts ready to throw.)
}
} "YOU WISH! TAKE THIS!!!"
}
} <ZZZZAAAPPP!>
}
} <ZZZZOOOOTTTTT!>
}
} <ZAAAAPPPP!>
}
} <ZZZZZZZZZOOOOTTTTTTT!>
}
} (A mighty battle ensues for eons, in which bolts of lightning and
} Zotting fly everywhere, incinerating millions of dollars' worth of
} property and looks pretty cool, to boot. Not enough exploding cars,
} sadly, but you gotta save something for the sequel.)
}
} "Say, guys?"
}
} (The Oracle and God, in unison:)
}
} Huh? What? Who was that?"
} "HUH? WHAT? WHO WAS THAT?"
}
} "It's me, Jesus. Remember me?
} I'm the one who died for your sins, in order to save your
} souls from eternal hellfire. Remember?"
}
} Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatcha want, Jesus?
} "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHATCHA WANT, JUNIOR?"
}
} "Do you relly think that this kind of conduct is appropriate
} for divine beings? Aren't you acting a bit childishly?"
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, sulkily:)
}
} Umm, no. Well, yeah, maybe, but...
} "UMM, NO. WELL, YEAH, MAYBE. BUT..."
}
} "Furthermore, do you really think that this 'street-jive' talk
} you're faking so badly sets a viable example for today's
} impressionable youth? Is this the kind of attitude you wish to
} inspire on thousands of Usenet readers (where the damage is sadly
} done, already)?
} Don't you have any sense of conduct and responsibility?"
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison, say nothing.)
}
} "I'm frankly quite disappointed in the both of you.
} You, Oracle, are supposed to be a 'Fountain of Wisdom', yet you
} behave like a hubris-induced megalomaniac, requiring people to
} grovel before you like a king, and tormenting and humiliating
} your servants by requiring them to lick your boots.
} A fine example to set for today's helpdesks, I'm sure.
} And you, Father, are especially disappointing. I go to the
} trouble of becoming mortal, living with and talking to and
} preaching to common criminals and whores, just to promote your
} image after those times you got drunk and mean and drowned the
} earth, or destroyed a major city in the middle east, or boinked
} some Jewish virgin. I go to extremes in non-violent, self-sacri-
} ficing behavior to depict you as an entity of reason, kindness,
} goodness and charity.
} And you -- you blow it all by behaving like some street hoodlum
} on crack with an inflated ego. I mean, *really*..."
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison:)
}
} <ZZZZAAAAPPP!!!!>
} <ZZZZOOOOTTT!!!!>
}
} Hey, Jehovah, that was a pretty fancy hip shot!
}
} "WHY THANKS, ORRIE! YOU'RE PRETTY HANDY WITH THAT ZOT STAFF,
} YOURSELF."
}
} Who did that snot-nosed do-gooder think he was, anyway? He approached
} me without even trying to come up with a decent grovel, and then he
} prompts several *rhethorical* questions, and doesn't even let me
} answer. I mean, c'mon! I'm the Intenet Oracle, after all. He should
} *know* the rules.
}
} "I KNOW. KIDS TODAY! NO RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS. YOU TRY TO RAISE
} THEM, PAY THROUGH YOUR NOSE TO PUT THEM THROUGH SCHUL, AND THIS IS
} THE THANKS YOU GET? I'M NOT EVEN SURE THE SANCTIMONIOUS LITTLE
} BRAT WAS *MINE*..."
}
} You should have come to *me*. I would have told you. It would only
} have cost you thirty pieces of silver, too.
}
} "NOW WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? OH WELL, WATER UNDER THE
} BRIDGE...."
}
} Tell me something, Jehovah... you know that 'trinity' thing?
}
} "YES?"
}
} ...where you, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are supposed to be *one*
} enity...?
}
} "YES? WHAT ABOUT IT?"
}
} Well, I was wondering... Didn't you just *kill* him?
}
} "OH CRAP!!"
}
} (God turns into a pile of smoldering ashes)
}
} Heh, heh! Don't mess with the Omniscient!
}
} (The oracle puts away his staff of Zot, and sits down at his terminal
} again, turning to the next supplication.)
}
} > Oh Oracle, who are far wiser than Zarathustra:
} >
} > My name is Friedrich, and I'm a big-shot German Philosopher.
} > Recently I've been trying to logically prove the existance of God,
} > but I've a hard time finding any evidence of his presence.
} > You who are Omniscient; where *is* he, anyway?
}
} And In response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Dear Friedrich,
} } I have a newsflash for you...
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