} Top 100 Abilities of The Internet Oracle
} 100 Pest Control, specialising in large rodents.
} 99 Not only knows when Alfred Hitchcock makes his cameos in all of his
} movies, but can track every molecule of air ever breathed by AH when
} they appear in other movies.
} 98 Not only able to best 'The Alien' in battle, but able to teach it
} to 'fetch'.
} 97 Able to encorage Robin Williams to make a movie that isn't soppy.
} 96 Able to dress up in drag much more convincingly than the cast of
} "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything" (including giving birth on
} 95 Can not only dial home for E.T., but sell him a Mobile Phone
} contract at twice going rate.
} 94 Can cast Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, Godzilla, and The Spice
} Girls in 'Hamlet', and get the critics to hail it as a masterpiece.
} 93 Can actually apply makeup to make Barbra Streisand look like a 17
} year old.
} 92 Can make a statement that Spock will agree is 'logical'.
} 91 Not only knows that Citizen Kane meant by 'Rosebud', but can list
} every meal eaten by him during his life solely by analysing his dying
} abdominal gurgles.
} 90 Can capture Blues Brothers without crashing a single car.
} 89 Able to write perlscript readable by people who don't know
} 88 Not only able to make images change when you run the mouse over
} them on a web page, but have them stack their clothes neatly in the
} corner of the page.
} 87 Able to find out the serial numbers of PIII chips even if they're
} all of 'turned off in software', 'not connected to the internet', and
} 'not manufactured yet'.
} 86 Able to write html '<scripts>' in prolog, and have them work, even
} in lynx!
} 85 Has so many '+++'s in his 'geek code', that my .sig only just
} fits on a ZIP disk.
} 84 Can write Java code that runs faster than Native Applications. Even
} if it's being run by Java 1.0.2 being run by SoftWindows, on a Mac.
} 83 Can write an AI program that can not only pass the Turing Test, but
} design an even better test of intelligence that no human would have a
} chance at.
} 82 Can write sorting algorithm capable of sorting random real numbers
} in O(0) time.
} 81 Not only knows from whence a spam email was sent, but exactly what
} grime the sending spammer had on his fingers when s/he typed it out.
} 80 Knows whatever happened to Forth, COBOL, PL/I, and all those other
} languages that no-one ever mentions nowdays.
} 79 Ability to pat own head vertically while rubbing stomach
} 78 Can break world record for long-jump with all limbs tied behind
} my back.
} 77 Can throw javelin so that it loops the world once and then still
} lands 'ahead' of the competitors.
} 76 No, make that loop the world two or three times.
} 75 Can live off steroid drugs solely for three months and still pass
} the drug test.
} 74 Can clean and jerk cleaner and more jerkily than anyone.
} 73 Can manage the Arrows Formula One Team more effectively than
} Tom Walkinshaw.
} 72 OK, OK, can manage a Forumla One Team more effectively than a
} senile warthog, is that better?
} 71 Can not only encourage Michael Schumacher and Damon Hill to coexist
} on the same team, but race in the same car.
} 70 Able to manage English Soccer Team so well, even the tabloids will
} admit that I've done a good job.
} 69 Can cook an omlet in a Hangi.
} 68 Can make a sauce from flour with no lumps at all, even if the flour
} had already been baked as bread, and left in a pyramid for 3000 years.
} 67 Can mix up a cake mix that will rise even if Rosanne is sitting
} on it.
} 66 Can create an English breakfast which is 0% fat.
} 65 Can sprinkle parmesan randomly on a plate so that it produces a
} picture of Jesus Christ.
} 64 Can make a hotter chili than David Sewell.
} 63 Can then eat same chili.
} 62 Can cook vegetarian meat substitutes so that they come out looking
} and tasting vaguely like meat.
} 61 Knows the life history of every bacteria in a pot of yogurt.
} 60 Can teach all those bacteria to 'fetch'.
} 59 Can make Luc French post an off-topic post to rhod and *enjoy it*
} 58 Can make Kenneth Sorling post ON-topic.
} 57 Can phrase questions for Ross Clement's Oracle Search Engine
} Natural Language Interface so that it actually gets the answers right.
} 56 Able to best any number of Siamese Fighting Fish in combat, even
} when allowances is made for weight differences down to the milligram.
} 55 Can tell all the Tims on RHOD apart.
} 54 Able to spend all day incarnating, and still complete all my work
} to deadlines. Even if those deadlines are 'yesterday'.
} 53 Able to do 'Australian' Ian Davis impersonation that won't be
} faulted by other antipodeans reading RHOD.
} 52 Not only able to go to South America and assist in the creation of
} a Spanish Oracle Server, but can establish them in distant alien
} 51 Can squeeze my shoulders together so that I have better breasts
} than [Female RHODite who will remain nameless]
} 50 Can make Richard Wilson admit that American spelling is more
} logical than English Spelling (even though it isn't).
} 49 Not only am I able to write a publishable first novel, but I could
} convince any publishing house on the planet to publish my zeroth one.
} 48 Able to do it much better than any butler.
} 47 Can come up with 1000 rhymes for 'orange', and craft superb puns
} out of each of them.
} 46 Not only knows all the ins and outs of legal rhetoric, but can sway
} a jury so convincingly that they all fall over.
} 45 Not only knows which Shakespeare plays were written by Bacon, but
} which by Sausages, which by Spare Ribs, and which by Sweet and Sour.
} 44 Not only able to transmit simple text by semaphore, but .GIFs,
} .MIDs, and fullscreen MPEG video.
} 43 Not only knows all axioms in group theory, but able to generalise
} them to include group sex theory.
} 42 Can write proof of Fermat's Last Theroem on the head of a pin.
} 41 Can then write Lord's prayer on the dot of one 'i' in proof.
} 40 Only being in world capable of writing three line limericks.
} 39 Able to search for web pages with the keywords 'tongue', 'finger',
} and 'Sex' without a single porn site coming up in the list. Even on
} 38 Can get a used-car salesman to tell me exactly what I want to know,
} with no attempts to get me to look at 'this little beauty'.
} 37 Not only knows which cars on the lot are 'lemons', but which
} ones are limes, grapefruit, mandarines, and breadfruit.
} 36 Guys hanging around hotels in Morroco actually ask ME to
} show them around the markets.
} 35 Can talk Iranian Prime Minister to not only 'lighten up' a little,
} but get him to enter the world hula-hoop championships.
} 34 Can fly a baloon around the world in seconds, even if all the
} preparation was done by Richard Branson.
} 33 Is so popular that Pamela Anderson creates web-sites about ME.
} 32 Could talk Spamford Wallace into giving up antisocial behaviour
} (though I prefer to wait until he's built up so much bad Karma that
} I'll feel justified throwing him into the pit of torment for all
} 31 Can actually make $50,000 from a small initial $5 ''investment''
} 30 Knows how to get telemarketers never to phone him again (no, not
} that way, they stay alive).
} 29 Not only capable of motivating my subjects to build giant pyramids
} in my honour, but capable of getting my enemies to do the same.
} 28 Able to build a giant wall that will not only keep out the
} Mongols, but will not allow one of their soccer balls to bounce over
} into my kingdom.
} 27 Not only able to write a book far surpassing 'The Karma Sutra', but
} being justified in subtitling it 'My Autobiography'.
} 26 Capable of domesticating animals not only so that they accompany
} me on hunts, but so that they play fully orchestrated symphonies for
} me upon my return.
} 25 Able to get a cat to do as *I* please.
} 24 Not only capable of sailing off to discover America, but capable of
} towing it back to Europe behind me.
} 23 Able to rid any number of Monarchs of 'Accursed Priests'.
} 22 Not only capable of encouraging Monarchs to exchange their kingdoms
} for horses, but able to talk them into exchanging their kingdom for a
} diseased stoat.
} 21 Not just able to drag huge stones hundreds of miles to form
} Stonehenge, but able to play knucklebones with them.
} 20 Able to bang bigger than the big one.
} 19 Able to fly faster than a speeding bullet shot along the direction
} of travel on a train travelling at the speed of light.
} 18 Able to cause more and bloodier wars than the Babelfish.
} 17 Not only knows when the universe will stop expanding and shrink
} back down to a huge ball of matter, but has already successfully
} tendered for the contract to supply a worker to mop up the universe
} after it has all finished (An involuntary groan is heard from Zadoc).
} 16 Not only can I prove Fermat's last theorem, but I have rewritten
} the proof into a hit musical.
} 15 Not only do I know the square root of -1, I used to be its roomie
} back in '74.
} 14 Able not only to prove the four coloured map theorem, but able to
} colour any abstract map with one colour and still no two adjacent
} countries will be coloured the same.
} 13 Able to double my returns from my real estate investments by
} sculpting the land into a Mobius Strip and selling both sides.
} 12 Able to prove 1 + 1 = 2 by recursion.
} 11 Knows parameters for The Julia Set which will produce exact
} replicas of all of Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings.
} 10 Able to last so long in bed that my condoms are all millenium, and
} trillenium compatible.
} 9 Hands so skillful that not just 'she' has a climax, but the bed,
} and the other pieces of furniture in the room do so too.
} 8 Is so good at pickup lines that I can get the statue of The Venus
} Di Milo to skip out from the Lourve and come home with me.
} 7 Can give such a 'smoldering' look that bare rocks catch fire.
} 6 So funny that Queen Victoria would not just be 'amused', but would
} be in convulsions for a week.
} 5 So handsome that my features are not just 'chiseled', but have been
} gone over with fine emery paper.
} 4 So widely popular that I don't contact Inter[national]Flora on
} Valentines Day, but Inter[galactic]Flora.
} 3 Possessor of such good taste that I advise people to buy The
} Muttonbirds' latest album 'Rain, Steam, and Speed' whereever possible.
} 2 Able to write 'Top 100 Lists' in any order I please, so that I get
} to 2 and still have a gap of 10 to go back and do again.
} 1 Can easily write 100-line answers to supplications (only just).
} [Gasp gasp gasp]
} You owe The Oracle a list of your own abilities. Try to come up with
} at least three.