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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <fart>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the wind beneath my sheets.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > > What are your favorite and least favorite letters of the alphabet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  An intriguing supplication, for which I thank you. } } My first thought would imply that most common of symbols, that which } is found following D.  But it is not as common as you might think; } anticipating how many words you can find in a dictionary, I could find } a surprising amount which would not contain that symbol. } } Contrary to that position, said symbol is rapidly indicating that I } should award this symbol with an award for most uncompromising symbol. } Composing this short amount of paragraphs is proving most difficult, } and I am starting to think that this bit of my most copious wisdom } is, mayhap. not that which I ought to impart to you. } } So, to finish: my opinion on your supplication is: that fifth symbol } of thirty minus four symbols is that for which I hold both a most } high and most low opinion. } } You must pay into My bank vault a box containing millions of fifth } symbols; this way I may simply obtain a fifth symbol at any point that } I should want to do so.  And a big glass of H2O for all this hard work!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hm, I wonder what this button does? > > >PRESS<

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle shouts "NOOOOOooooo!" } } A curtain on a far wall moves back revealing hundreds of monitors } showing hundreds of overweight white guys in their underwear sitting } at terminals typing away like crazy... well, they were typing. Now } they all stop as one and look towards you and yell, "Pay no attention } to the men behind that curtain!" The Curtain shuts. The Oracle snaps } his fingers and Temple Security whisks you away. } } You are tossed without ceremony out of The Temple to land on your } butt in street. Half a second later a paper bag is tossed out from } The Temple at you. Upon opening the bag you find what appears to } be the heart of a large mammal, a macrame brain and a GED diploma. } A second later a pair of red Nikes fly out form The Temple too. } The shoes hit you in the head. } } It hurts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ZADOC: > There's an Oracle I've found > Could bring us all joy! > There's an Oracle I've found > Could cure the boy! > > LISA: > An Oracle you've found > could cure the boy! > > There's an Oracle I've found > could remove his sorrow > He lives in this town > Let's see him tomorrow! > > ZADOC and LISA: > He lives in this town > Let's see him tomorrow!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He got toe-jam football. } He got monkey finger. } One thing I can tell you is the Oracle ain't free. } Come together } Right now. } You owe me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and holy Oracle, full of power and might! > Grant me an answer to my question, before Friday night! > > I've had enough of "Zippergate", the whole thing makes me sick, > So why can't someone stab Lewinsky with a pointed stick?! > > PLEASE?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You humans do confuse me when you send questions like these } But I'll fulfill your wishes; after all, I aim to please. } } We go to our reporter: we're now live by sattelite, } to coorespondant Zadoc, with Lewinsky on his right. } } Zadoc: } Thank you, Orrie.  Here's the girl who you claim makes you sick. } And here's a tiny, forked, unpolished, pointy little stick. } } I'll poke and prod and scratch and scrape and touch and tap and toy } And rap and jab and lunge and thrust and generally annoy. } } Monica: } Hey!  Ouch!  That hurts!  Quit!  Knock it off!  You're taking this too } far. At least, please have the dignity to tell me who you are. } } Zadoc: } I'm Zadoc!  Here's my business card.  A High Priest, how's that grab } you? In fact, TIO sent me here to take this stick and stab you. } } Monica: } So you work with the Oracle?  I like a man with power. } Come over here, and settle in, cause this might last an hour. } } I'll show you pleasure right away, first fast and then real slow. } (And this time I'll make sure that lousy bitch Tripp doesn't know.) } } Zadoc: } Oh, yeah, uh... me and Orrie, uh... yeah, we go back real far. } I make him lots of coffee and... erm... sometimes park his car. } } Monica: } You mean that you're his flunky?  That's not very cool... } Well, heck, I guess that's close enough.  Come here, you silly fool! } } Zadoc: } Wake up!  Attention, TIO!  I quit!  Right now!  Today! } And baby, no more of this stick.  I'm throwing it away. } } Monica: } Wait a second, Zadoc.  Don't throw that very far. } It probably works better than the President's ---===ZOT===--- } } THE PAIN!  YEEE-AGH!  THE AGONY!  MY GOODNESS!  MAKE IT STOP! } YEEEEEE-OUGH!  YEEEEE-EEEE-EEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EE! Sizzle, sizzle, pop. } } Zadoc: } Aw, come on, boss, that wasn't nice, I was about to score! } It would have been the first time since July of '84. } } You never let me have my fun.  Well, Orrie, you can rot. } Uhhhh.... } I didn't mean to anger you!!! WAIT!!! Drop that staff of } } ----====****ZOT****====---- } } PS: } This is the part where, in return, I often ask for stuff, } But sitting through this poem likely was torture enough.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ohoraclemostwisewhocanbreakanycodethensacanthrowathimmypunctuationwhites > pacecharactersandcapitallettershavebeenstolencanyoupleasehelpme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     YesI               can      help }   youy  o    ung    suppli      can t. }  Youseeth   ep rob      lem    is }  not        t   hat      yo   ur }   spa      ce    sgo      tst }     olen   ,youmere      l  ymi }       ssp  lacedthem   whe  nyou }  were  th  in          k      ing } a bout s   omet    h  i        nge l }    se.T    rylookin g          unde }              ryour }               bed }                . } } You owe the Oracle some glasses.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I spam thee?  Let me count the ways. > I spam thee with an Karen Liddell chain.  It's not an MLM! > I spam thee with a special offer that none can e'er refuse, > For all the used golf balls needed for a lifetime. > I spam thee with a laundry disk that doesn't really work. > I spam thee with a curious "test" > To verify your email really works. > I spam thee with a penny stock.  It isn't really worthless, > No matter what the Wall Street experts say. > But most of all, I spam thee with a bold and blatant ad > For a million clean addresses and my "Stealth Email Blast-O-Matic", > So that you may spam as well.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello. } } I'm Craig Shergold. You may remember me as the plucky, } 9-year-old English kid with a terminal brain tumor in 1989. A } year later, not only did I get better, but I also made it into } the Guiness Book of World Records for getting the most spam. } Of course, back then, we called it "greeting cards," but it's } basically the same thing. Oh, and the brain tumor? Well, as it } turned out, it was all just a goofy misunderstanding. } } But the important thing is that I got all of these complete } strangers to send me stuff without even having to ask for } it. Can you imagine the joy and giddiness I felt opening } 44,000 envelopes every day for a year? No one can...until } now! Thanks to Al Gore's gift of the Internet, I can return } the happiness that all of you sent me during my painful } year-long near-death experience in a rancid British } roach-infested hospital. } } Oh sure, I occasionally use aliases:  my 2nd grade music } teacher, Mr. Rhodes, is singing his own blues these days. } And I've learned to type with my nose since 16 million paper } cuts haven't left me with much below the elbows. } } Still, it is my civic duty to see to it that everyone on } this planet gets an opportunity to achieve the same world } record status that was bestowed upon me. So when you } receive an "electronic greeting card" from me, don't delete } it...save it. Send it to a friend. Send it to yourself! } Then send it to Guiness. But don't feel obligated to send } it to me. I've already achieved my fifteen minutes of fame.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORA 399 GENERAL OMNISCIENCE.  Credits: 1.00, Hours: Variable. > Section 01.  Call No. 999999.  Limit: none.  Instructor: I ORACLE > >     Description: A multi-faceted survey covering general world >     knowlege, cultural literacy, computer terminology, Zen Buddhism, >     Life, the Universe, and Everything.  Not open to students who have >     had "JUNO 142: Commercial Promotion Through Mass E-mail" or members >     of the Woodchuck Faculty.  Instructor Permission required.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: No, you can't audit the class. } } Student #32: Like, will that be on the test? } } Oracle: NO. } } Student #43 : Ah dude, I got water-polo practice on Thursdays and I }          like was wondering if I could like skip those classes and }          like. . . } } Oracle: Since you're going to get hit by a car and die on the }         first of next month it really doesn't matter. } } Student #43: Dude! Is like that a joke or are you being like }         all knowing and stuff? } } Oracle: Jokes will be discussed in all classes as outlined in the }         syllabus. Tests will . . . } } Student #13: Whoa. Tests? Can I take like credit/no fail on }         those? I have a test anxiety disorder. } } Oracle: I checked the bookstore, all texts are in. Reading }         the assignments BEFORE coming to class is urged. }         Moreover. . . } } Student #06: How much wo... } } [ ZOT! ] } } Student #43: Righteous! Will we learn how to do that?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? > > *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   * >   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   * > This is my sig.  It doesn't tell you my name or anything > else about me, but it is distinctive enough that you can > recognize it if you have seen it before, allowing you to > make reference to any questions and answers you have > previously exchanged with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Me Og. Me DJ at WORY, all orrie, all time radio. Me spin great Oracle } hits. Og like best Orrie & Zadoc's Ms. Lisa: } } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } Zeus bless you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } We'd like to know a little bit about you for our killfiles } We'd like to help you learn to help you give yourself } Look around you, all you see are sex addicted guys } Stalking you around the grounds until you groan } } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } Zeus be with you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes } Put on your pantry with your ZOTcakes } It's a little secret, just a certain priest's affair... } Most of all, you've got to hide it from from the supplicants } } Coo, coo, ca-choo, Ms Lisa } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } God bless you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon } Going to the temple or Eros Orgy } Laugh about it, shout about it } When you've enjoyed being used } Every way you look at you're loose } } Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio } A nation turns its lonely eyes to you (Zot, zot, zot) } What's that you say, Ms. Lisa } Joltin' Joe has left and gone away } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before this goes any further... Does your friend own any tape } recorders?