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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is dielectric materialism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dielectric materialism is, as those of us in the know like to say, the } bastard child of quantitative metathesis and corroborative nuclear } scaling theory.  Ha ha ha!  Get it? } } <Pause.> } } I see.  Well, supplicant, perhaps I ought to explain it this way: } } Pretend you have an egg.  The egg represents Truth and Value.  Now, } pretend you have a Teflon-coated frying pan.  The pan represents } reality, the Teflon represents self-recognition, and the handle } represents the possibility of God.  Admittedly, the handle is } simultaneously extant and non-extant, which creates problems when } flipping Truth out of Reality and frying Value, but we'll get to that } when we do. } } Now we put Reality onto the Furnace of the Universe, and apply Truth to } it. Separated by Self-recognition and Reality from the Universe, Truth } bubbles only slightly, signifying an indirect and presently } indeterminate change in its capacity to exist.  Now, using God we } remove Reality briefly from the Universe, and flip Truth into Value, } which will now begin bubbling more loudly.  As Self-recognition has } probably worn away by this point (as Reality was quite cheap, having } been bought at Wal-Mart for $4.85), Value is applied diectly to } Reality, resulting in flames and loud spurts of Value and Truth out of } Reality and directly onto the Universe, which loud fizzing begins, } spurting flaming droplets of Truth and Reality onto God, and causing } the Unmoved Mover wielding Reality (by way of God) to shriek in } unbelieveable pain while the reast of Truth and Value burns into the } Charcoal of Damnation in the middle of a Reality devoid of } Self-recognition. } } Now the Unmoved Mover will probably lose his or her grip on God and } drop Him on the floor, splattering Truth, etc., everywhere, coating the } Kitchen of Redemption in Damnation, and restoring the Universe and its } vicinity to its original state of Chaos. } } This process, which you can see demonstrated nearly daily in the rooms } of Bachelors of Clumsiness everywhere in the world, is often referred } to as dielectric materialism. } } You owe the Oracle some scrambled Truth, or perhaps some Value } sunny-side up.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mellifluous Oracle, who knows all the chords to all the songs. > I heard this song the other day, but I can't quite understand > what it meant.  Perhaps you can tell me... why do fuels fall in > love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question o supplicant.  Lets take a look thought the } archives, and see what we can come up with...  Ah ha, here we have the } transcript of a phone conversation between two benzene molecules, the } morning after the party... } } C6H6(1): So, you seemed to have a good time last night? } C6H6(2): I dunno, can't remember a thing.  One moment I'm cracking a } few bonds, and the next I wake up with all my carbons in a loop...  I } feel terrible. } C6H6(1): So you don't remember that paraffin molecule you were chatting } up last night? } C6H6(2): What paraffin molecule? [tones of deep foreboding] } C6H6(1): You said, and I quote, she was the best thing that had ever } happened to you. } C6H6(2): Oh no, not again.  I must have been outa my ring! } } So there you have it.  Fuels fall in love due to excess alcohol, just } like the rest of us. } } You owe the Oracle some decent questions about computer science that I } can answer without resort to an encyclopaedia.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie - > > your current group of incarnations is, to be blunt, hopelessly unfunny. > It's getting to the point where you're no fun anymore, and sometimes it > hurts so badly I must cry out loud. > > Judy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You get what you pay for. } } Let's look at what you currently owe the Oracle for past advice } rendered shall we? } } * Seven albino alligators missing their tails } * A picture of your mother beating a carpet } * Unopened six packets Ex-lax } * 2 sacred ibis wearing fezs } * 6 Eskimo cakes,extra large } * Taxes and Texas or "23 taxi cabs" written in blood on a cherry pie } } You owe the Oracle a subliminal message.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle wrote: > > > > The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. > > > > Expect an answer in a day or two. > > HAHA! I have succeeded! > > The Queue Drainer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 907463521  011121442  190768050  718956337  560151743 } 378852621  871449817  327809594  109785165  995114584 } 318050756  537113114  841145926  764719416  712381823 } 424558372  400123399  981281675  132169613  369124764 } 514080304  124314001  353100714  468523425  702752811 } 554732398  662853490  842675404  154936089  064011858 } 252101348  204049061  473751962  034480978  850723809 } } Knock knock, Drainer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most keen, > Why are the neighbours always complaining about my sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thursday, April 1, 1999 } 11:31 P.M. } } "Rrrrrrrrring........ Rrrrrrrrring ........." } } George is startled from his slumber by the harsh ringing of the } telephone by his bed.  As he answers, he notices the time on the clock } and groans. } } "Hello, George Potter here." } } "Mr. Potter, is your refrigerator running?" } } George, still groggy from being wakened from his slumber is confused by } the sounds of bleating in the background as much as by the question. } "I'm not sure.  Who is this?" } } "Well, if it is, you'd better go catch it!  Bahhhh!  Bahhhh!  Bahhhh!" } (CLICK!)  The harsh sound of the receiver slamming down on the other } end of the line brought George out of his mental fog. } } "Those @#$%! sheep again!  I've got just the thing for them...." } } 11:52 P.M. } } "Ding-Dong"............"Ding-Dong" } } "I'm commin', I'm commin'!", Phil yells as he reaches for his } spectacles and slowly climbs out of bed.  "Who could be coming by at } this hour of the night?  I hope Mrs. Johnson hasn't been into her } "medicine" again!" } } As he unlocks the door and opens it, he is shocked to find no one } there.  In an instant he sees the all too familiar, flaming brown bag } on the edge of the porch!  As quick as a cat, Phil grabs the fire } extinguisher from behind the door, and douses the flames. } } "I'll catch you one of these days you little hellions!" } } That night, as he lay in bed, with the scent of CO2 and burning sheep } dung still in the air, Phil began plotting his revenge....

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monica Lewinsky.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is something that sucks as much as Windows98? } } I'll take "Non-grovelling Supplicants" for $300.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And I still *ZOT* you, Like a Woodchuck Questioner

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yet ANOTHER question that means different things, depending on how you } interpret it.  Gentle supplicants, PLEASE be more clear when wording } your queries.  Here are some simple points of writing style that will } improve your chances of getting meaningful replies: } } If you meant to say that you were "still", it would better to write } "Motionlessly, I *ZOT* you like a woodchuck questioner."  Of course, } everyone knows that a good *ZOT* requires at the very least a } satisfyingly swift kick to the groin, so a "motionless *ZOT*" is } absurd. } } If you meant to say the you *ZOT* me "like one who questions } woodchucks", this is also vague.  For you see, interrogating woodchucks } is both rewarding and satisfying, and so it's not a very menacing } threat.  On the other hand, if your meaning is "I, like one who } questions woodchucks, still *ZOT* you", well, I can tell you from } personal experience that questioning woodchucks pretty much takes all } the *ZOT* right out of you. } } Perhaps you are of the opinion that *ZOT* is a transitive verb, and you } write like a 16 year old girl, making your meaning "I *ZOT* you, like, } a Woodchuck Questioner".  This is a common grammatical error.  *ZOT* is } clearly the imperative pluperfect subjunctive future tense of "to } *ZOT*", and therefore clearly cannot be transitive. } } Now, another possibility is that you are having trouble with your spell } checker.  I know from first hand experience that MY spell checker often } tries to check "auctioneer" to "questioner", which would help your } original question quite a lot. } } And, of course, if you meant to say "woodduck", well, that changes } EVERYTHING. } } You owe the Oracle, like, a woodduck auctioneer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! How exciting is that? Did you think of that question all by } yourself or did you have help? Tell you what - just for a wheeze, let's } have a look at the All-Time Top 20 Questions Most Frequently Asked of } the Internet Oracle, to see how you score: } }  1. The w**dchuck question, plus variants. (No surprise there, eh?) }  2. Blanco questions. }  3. Gratuitous attacks on Bill Gates & Microsoft. }  4. Parodies on Star Trek & its various offspring. }  5. Monty Python references. }  6. Parodies on Infocom et al. }  7. Cat questions (except #19, below). }  8. How do I get a girlfriend? (What a bunch of sad little dweebs you }     are, to be sure) }  9. Gratuitous attacks on AOL/Juno/Hotmail. } 10. Questions framed as Perl scripts. } 11. References to The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Universe & the number }     42. } 12. Stephen Wright rip-offs. } 13. Questions in Og-speak. } 14. Haikus. } 15. Serious questions from idiots who don't realise this service is }     supposed to be for laughs. } 16. How do I get a boyfriend? (And dweebettes) } 17. References to Bill Clinton's sexual escapades. } 18. References to Lisa's sexual escapades. (Actually, I don't mind }     those) } 19. The cat and buttered toast paradox. } 20. Bogus spam mailings. } } So there you have it - you're in at #12 (along with shipment & cargo, } kamikaze pilots' helmets, using a silencer to shoot mimes, another word } for thesaurus, etc, etc, interminably etc). This makes you not the most } boring supplicant it has ever been my misfortune to encounter, but you } tried hard. Better luck next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was actor John Waynes's real name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} John W. Anus. So you can see why he changed it, can't you? } } Even so, John Waynes never really made it to the top flight of } Hollywood screen idols. Perhaps it was because of his severe speech } impediment. Perhaps it was because of the confusing similarity between } his chosen nom-de-theatre and that of another Western star, John Wayne. } Or perhaps it was because of his choice of projects: "High } Eleven-Thirty", "The Moderately Sized Country" and "The Man Who Shouted } at Liberty Valance" are not titles forever etched in our collective } consciousness. } } Whatever the reasons, John Waynes died in relative obscurity in October } 1976, after a long illness. There is a small memorial in his home town } of Spudburg, Wisconsin. Unfortunately, they misspelled his name "John } Waynesworld". Sic transit gloria mundi. } } You owe the Oracle a video of "She Wore a Yellow Cat Suit".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the secret of immortality, > > How did Zadoc come to be in your service?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He was being obnoxious, so I shrunk him down to the size of a } marshmallow and put him in the big silver teapot. When apologizes } adequately, I'll let him out. } } You owe the Oracle two lumps of sugar.