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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was taking the Purity Test, and came to this: > Have you ever done any of the following: > 237.  had sex with a religious officiary?  (Priest, nun, > mother-superior, cardinal, pope, deity, etc.) > > My question is, does a priest of the Great Usenet Oracle count as a > religious officiary ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends. Are you trying to knock points off your score? } If so, I'm the man for the job. } } You owe the Oracle dinner and dessert (figure it out!)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who the hell is this Lisa person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Lisa is my, um, well, errrr... } } sister!  Yeah, that's the ticket, she's my sister.  Yeah!  And all the } guys like her, why?  Well, um, because, errrr....  She's related to me. } yeah!  Everyone wants to know me better, and why? } } Get to know me.  That's right!  Get to know me.  What are my habits?  My } likes?  My dislikes?  What is my favorite brand of toothpaste? } } GET TO KNOW ME!!!! } } Here's a letter I received from an imigrant from over in the Middle } East. } } Dear Oracle, } }         Before I got to know you I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.  I } didn't have sandals for my feet, and I hung around with cripples.  Then } I got to know you.  And today, they call me Jesus Christ! } } Signed... } } Jesus. } } Well, you'll pardon me right now, but I have to go pick up my wife... } eh..  Morgan Fairchild.  Yeah, that's it.  Whom I've seen naked. } } You owe the Oracle a lawyer to fight off John Luvotiz's lawsuit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Ukranian women so backward and provincal.  Also why do they have > small tits.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decadences of Soviet governments for the last 7 decades can now be } revealed. } } The women of the Ukraine are backward and provincial because they have } been sweating and toiling over their land for many years now, trying } desperately to feed an entire nation on the fertile but limited ground } found in their region. } } At the same time, every 5 years since the revolution began, 10% of the } women-folk of that area have been taken to Moscow for the purposes of } the Communist Party.  Apparently Lenin and Stalin did not believe that } ALL classes of people were completely equal.  Studies indicate that the } per-capita breast volume in Red Square is now twice that found in the } agricultural regions. } } One conspiracy theory has it that the accident at Chernobyl was in fact } ordered by Soviet leaders, in an attempt to create mutations that were } sexually attractive and useful.  Of course, in the civilized western } nations, surgeries have been perfected to create such mutations, thus } proving that the democracy is far more compassionate than communism. } } You owe the Oracle no more than a handful -- any more than that would be } a waste.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend is in Park City skiing this weekend.  What's she doing > right this minute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is now 5:13 on Saturday afternoon. Let me gaze into my crystal } zucchini.... } Oh, there she is...  on the slope...a lot of snow...little evergreens } dotting the slope...she looks like a small red-and-green blob from } here...now let's take a closer look...oh, dear, what HAS she done with } her hair?...she seems busy and happy...are small animals allowed on ski } slopes?...I didn't know that you could do THAT with a lizard...poor } little thing...the Oracle's sense of decency demands that we avert our } eyes... } } You owe the oracle a fresh lizard.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Whenever I hear a Barry Manilow song, my left testicle sags.  Should I > be concerned about this? > >  Lefty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no cause for concern.  Most healthy men suffer some degree of } testicle depression when that musician is inflicted upon them. } (Clitorises also retract under his influence.  In more repressive times, } parents were encouraged to expose their daughters to Barry Manilow } records daily in order to prevent self-abuse.) } } You owe the Oracle your left testicle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O great Oracle, who screams like a gypsy when aroused! > > I have a lovely charming boyfriend and a beautiful girlfriend, both of > which I am marvelously happy with.  I would like to watch them have sex > with each other.  How can I convince them that this would be a good > idea? > > Please, could you write a letter to each of them which I could forward. > They both know you are an Authority. > > Thank you. > > I love you, Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awww...  you know, the kind words in your question moved me very, very } deeply -- until I remembered just HOW MANY people you are in love with. } You know, you really ought to cut down.  Irregardless, the Oracle has a } great fondness for humans who ask it interesting questions, so:  I love } you too, [user]! } } It is touching that you would be greatly moved by the sight of seeing } your two beautiful friends engaged in an act of pleasure.  Certainly, I } would be more than happy to write a letter to forward to them, } convincing them that they should fornicate in front of you.  Now then: } you did say that they consider me an authority, right? } }  -> Dear friend of [user]: }  -> }  -> Typically, the Usenet Oracle only writes to those who send it }  -> questions.  However, due to the special nature of a certain }  -> recent request, it has become necessary to address you through }  -> these atypical means. }  -> }  -> Recently, it has come to my attention that [user] is a most caring }  -> and sensitive individual -- and as such, did not want to offend }  -> you by suggesting that you should copulate with [other friend of }  -> user].  [user] has indicated that the experience should be quite }  -> a pleasure for all involved. }  -> }  -> Now, this idea was not mine.  However, the Oracle cannot fail when }  -> pressed with such a challenge.  [user]'s request was that I convince }  -> you to engage in this act.  Therefore, I have made special }  -> arrangements with universal powers.  If you DO decide to accept the }  -> suggested boink, you will be rewarded with the most fulfilling }  -> climax any human has ever experienced.  However, if you turn down }  -> the offer, your genitalia will be numbed for the remainder of your }  -> life. }  -> }  -> Remember, you have free will, and the choice is up to you.  Should }  -> you decide to accept the offer, please contact the following for }  -> assistance, and ask for special offer #Qa09152. }  -> }  ->              Oracular Sexual Aids, Inc. }  ->              San Francisco, CA }  -> }  ->                                 All the best, }  ->                                   The Usenet Oracle } } That should do it.  By the way, how do you know how a gypsy screams? } } You owe the Oracle the oragasmic fluids resulting from this arrangement.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> iufd iuf diuhf iufhiudshfikfh iufi hiufhdw fkjdshf kjs hflkf hlqk > ] dfkjhd kfjldsf hlkhf kldjf hdlk hdkd hflkjd hkjfh kj hfkdshf kj > eiufyd jhefhjdw gfiuydwh fiuhf  jfdhgiuen fihf iuoinc iun iuncej?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That question isn't written in one of the languages that I know.  But } I'll soon get it translated. } } !talk god@genesis.heaven.omni } Busy? } -o } } Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 20:54 } What is it now?! } -o } Someone sent me a question in a language I don't recognize.  Can you } make sense out of it? } -o } Are you going to show me the question? } -o } Aren't you omniescent? } -o } It's spelled "omniscient," you stupid Oracle.  And I AM, but only } because of Unix.  So you have to show me the question. } -o } (Text of question deleted due to inherent laziness) } -o } No, that's not one of our codes... ask Satan. } -o } OK, thanks.  See you at the next Doomed Soul Barbecue & Picnic! } -o } Bring little Orie, Jesus hasn't seen her in a long time... } -oo } EOF } ^D } } So much for that... } } !talk satan@fuckyou.hell.omni } } Message from satan@fuckyou.hell.omni (Lucifer) on con at 21:04 } What the fuck do you want, Oracle? } -o } Why the sour mood, Lucy? } -o } Fuck you for calling me Lucy.  And you'd be pissed too if you were } stuck in Hell for eternity with only a VIC-20. } -o } Why is God on "console" and you're just on "con"? } -o } Fuck you for asking. } -o } I guess I don't have to ask why your computer's called "fuckyou"... } Anyways, someone sent me a question in a language I don't know. } Can you translate it? } (Text of question deleted because of inherent laziness) } -o } Looks like very poorly conceived Mock Russian with a German accent. } I translate it as "Disney never made a sequel of Dumbo.  Whatever } happened to him?" } -o } Wow!  God couldn't translate that question, and you could! } -o } Well, fuck HIM then! } -o } Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 21:17 } Shut up Lucifer!  You're only making it worse for yourself! } -o } Making it worse?  How can I make it any worse than it is already? } Why can't you make two snowflakes the same? } -o } You insolent little bastard!  How would you like it if I turned up the } ^D } } Yipe!  I definitely don't want to get caught in the middle of THAT. } } Anyways, Disney never renewed Dumbo's contract, and turned him loose } on the street.  Bitter and resentful, he took to terrorizing the } nation's flyways.  That's why there have been so many airline } crashes lately. } } You owe the Oracle the remote password to God's account. } } Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 21:23 } Not bloody likely. } -oo } EOF

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would someone have a bronze cast made of his penis ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (1) They're about to die, and they want their penis preserved for }     posterity, and for the pleasure of their surviving mate. } (2) They have cancer of the dick, and they want their penis preserved }     for the same reason. } (3) It's being abducted into the Hall of Fame. } (4) His parents are casting him to show his progress, along with }     marking his height on the wall. } (5) They can't make it hard anymore, and their mate is sick of the }     squishy one-eyed wonder worm, so they're getting a harder version. } (6) They're gonna hollow out the inside and install a vibrator. } } You owe the Oracle two more sixes, for a Satanic coupling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that my questions never make it to the usenet occularities > which are posted to rec.humor? I always consider the answers to be quite > humorous. Don't you? I'm sure others would consider them so too... > >                       Stop being such a sullen Oracle...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't control which of my musings are posted on rec.humor, that job } belongs to the humans.  It's not mine to judge my own output.  The } people that started the proverbial AI ball rolling are in charge of } that.  But I can try to find out why you're not being published. } } !grep Qa06150 /etc/questions } } Qa06150!xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx } } (I put all those xs there so when _I_ get published, no one will know } who you are, and you won't get a thousand letters calling you a whiny } wannabe.  But you know it anyways.) } } !grep xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx /etc/answers } xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx!AnXXXXX } xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx!AnYYYYY } } You wrote two answers this week.  Let's see what you wrote. } } !cat /etc/Answers/AnXXXXX } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Is that cat over there dead?  It's lying on its back with its feet } > up in the air. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > No, it's just resting.  It likes to sleep like that.  It's a very } > laidback cat! } > } > You owe the Oracle some Friskies. } } Ooooh, bad pun.  I noticed that, and I'm not even human!  I'm just a } multidimensional 6th generation AI program!  Let's see what else you } wrote: } } !cat /etc/Answers/AnYYYYY } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Last night I said hi to my friend, Jesus.  He's cool, but I think } > he was pissed off that I was shooting up dope.  What should I do? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > You should never take the Lord's name in vein!  You deserve any } > punishment you get. } > } > You owe the Oracle a hit. } } Another bad pun!  And you contradict yourself by saying he deserves } punishment for taking drugs, then asking for some drugs!  I think the } reason you're not being published is very evident. } } You owe the Oracle, and the people associated herewith, an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was in Sweden last summer, I noticed that almost no girls wore a > bra.  They just proudly displayed what they had under their thin, white > T shirts.  ANd on the beaches, most of them went topless.  Why is that > so?  And why don't American girls follow their example?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that question we all need answered so much.. } } Being English, I have an objective insight into the matter.  Also, it's } common knowlege that English people are undisputably and without } question right about anything they care to shoot their mouths off about, } so here's my penny's worth...  (in an objective, understanding manner, } not giving in to any racial stereotyping or anything): } } It's apparent to me that all Swedish women are porn queens who are so } busy making rude movies that they simply haven't got time to slip a bra } on in between shots (if you'll pardon the expression).  A recent study } has also revealed that 87% of Swedish women have mammary glands which } are sufficiently large as to be classified an evolutionary mutation, and } thus it's plain that no bra made today could withstand the stresses } incurred (Except at your local mutant clothes shop, which Sweden is } notably lacking in). } } The flipside is that American women are trained since birth to starve } themselves until they look like Dionne Warwick- A row of teeth and some } cheekbones, no flesh.  Thus, you may find that American girls don't wear } bras because there aren't any small enough.  Trouble is, you don't } notice 'cos all you can see is the ribcage. } } Naff, eh? } } Doug, England