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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Before you answer, a list of things to remember: > > Don't assume that by insults, you can make your answer funny; insults > are almost never funny on their own. > > Remember to make sure you're not using Microsoft Outlook, as it _will_ > make you look like an idiot. I don't care if it came with your > computer, try to use something that actually sends what you write. > > Don't respond with some variant of "I don't know". When combined with > Outlook, this is the #1 bane of supplicants everywhere. > > If you don't have a funny response, let the question fall back in the > queue. You'll be less likely to be flamed by a priest. > > Don't include the text of the question. It never helps, as in both the > digests and the response sent to the supplicant, the question _is_ > included. > > If you see the same question you responded to twice, it usually means > that the supplicant found your response unfunny. > > Avoid stealing from other sources. Parody and pastiche are okay, but > stealing outright is considered bad form for an incarnation. > > Don't feel required to write a response, even if you're seeing "The > Oracle's queue is getting rather full". > > This has been a public service announcement.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, marvellous, witty supplicant, I am responding to you using Mutt } 0.95.4i, a text-only mailer whose configuration file syntax makes small } children and executives shriek. I know exactly what you mean. If I } didn't have a funny response, I wouldn't be replying to you. I won't } repeat your question, because I'm sure you remember it, and you would } hardly be so absent-minded as to ask your old Oracle the same question } twice. I just searched DejaNews for this answer and didn't find it } anywhere, so I'm quite certain that it's original. It's no problem } writing a response--I don't mind at all. } } You owe the Oracle a perfect score of 5.0, evidently.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Able to parallel park a flying saucer, he is the Oracle, a deity who > would never go for hours with his turn signal blinking on and off and > on and off and on and off and on and off; > > Why doesn't the USA plant trees all over their dang deserts (using > water from the Colorado) instead of crabbing at people in South America > to stop cutting down trees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And now, a point by point rebuttal. } }       1.  They'd die. } } The Oracle commands you study some biology, then ask again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Curious that NATO would have targeted AOL's central switching station } in Dulles, Virginia, but I'm sure it can be justified as a legitimate } military target. } } You owe the Oracle some peace and quiet more often.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Hunter watched with satisfaction as the dart struck the } unsuspecting Supplicant right in upper arm.  Already the toxin caused } his muscles to twitch, first to jerk the mouse over the send icon, then } to push the mouse button and fling the mouse away.  Later he would fall } into a deep slumber and forget all about the Oracle.  When the Oracle } receives another half message, he will know the Hunters still keep } their promise.  The W**dch*ck question will never be asked again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One queue to rule them all, > One queue to find them, > One queue to bring them all, > And in the digests bind them, > In the Land of Indiana > Where IUVAX lies.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Wow," said Quedo. "it -is- a magic askme after all!" } } "Yes,"  said Zotdolf. "and it must be destroyed in the fires of } volcanic Mount Angroan where the good coffee grows! The fastest way to } do that would be to call the King of the Eagles to come and get the } askme then fly to the volcano and drop it in." } } "Shouldn't we undergo a lot of repetitive and predictable adventures by } carrying it there ourselves?" } } "Listen Quedo, I'm a wizard. Trust me on this one." } } And so the evil askme was destroyed that very afternoon saving all of } mankind from having to learn the names of a whole lineage of annoying } elves. } } You owe the Oracle Psalms 139:16 written on the head of a statue of } clay.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle whose breath is sweeter than Traci's..... > > Why is my SMTP so slow ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know several SMTP's, and they're all slow: } } Six-man tackle polo: The game keeps getting interrupted for fouls, } because no one understands the rules, which are not much like those of } ordniary polo. } } Spitball Manufacturing and Testing Program: has suffered delays because } the researchers keep getting caught and sent to the principal's office. } } Standard missile transfer protocol: Of course if the government is } going to make a missile delivery system publicly available, it has to } be pretty lousy. Our security would be compromised if they gave away } their best military secrets. } } Sado-masochism and Tupperware party: not enough people interested in } both to make a good party. } } Statistical mechanics term paper: not good material for an } action-packed thriller. } } You owe the Oracle a PRGH.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now. No need to feel embarassed. Premature emailulation is very } common, especially with your first question. Just relax and we'll try } again later. } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrrrrr!  Where be the gold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'The gold cap is on the third bicuspid Doctor Hook.' } } Arrrrr, so it is me matey. Now open wide young fellar. } } 'Doctor, would you like to use this probe?' } } Arrr, I got me hook ye fool, What need have I fer } a landlubberish probe? } } 'Doctor Hook! You've perforated the patient's cheek with } your hook. Egods! Blood is spurting everywhere!' } } Arrrr, so it is. Suction matey, suction. } } 'Doctor I think the patient is trying to speak.' } } Arrr, I can't be workin' with both him and you a gabbin' } at me. Give me me blunderbuss. } } '!' } } Now, or you'll be in Davy Jone's Waiting Room! } ------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a rescheduled appointment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This question intentionally left blank.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As well This question should, seeing how blank was cheating on her.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Highly renowned and celebrated Oracle, could you squeeze this question > into your heavy schedule perhaps? I thank you. > > Would it be too inaccurate to volcanic eruptions as a Sign From Below?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well. Lets make a call to the one who will know.... } } <RING RING> .... <Chk...> Hello youp have reached "ARghghghghghgh...!!" } <... } To reach Satan, press 1 } To reach Beelzebub press 4 } To reach your mother-in-law press 6 } To reach your nearest neighbourhood drug-dealer press 9 } To reach the closest "Tyrannys R Us" representative, press 8 } To reach Chthulu press 7 } To hear a list of your sins press 2 } To hear a list of the corresponding punishments press 5 } To press 4 press 7 } To press 6 press 8 } To press 1 press 4 } To press 'Yes' press hash } To press 'No' press 3 } To press an even number, press the next number up. } To press an odd number press the number mutiplied by two divided by } it's square root. } To hear this list of options again, please hang up and redial. } Have an infernal day.... } ....> } } Hrm.. okay... let see.. Satan.. <Beep beep boop beep> } } <... Here is the list of your Sins...> } } <covers handset> } Ahem.. whoops... lets try that again } <Boop beepy boop> } <... Please hold... transferring you...> } <Music to Night on Bald Mountain played on an out of tune bagpipe> } Hrm... definitely hell... } <Brrr Brr....Chk> } Satan: Lo... Infernal Inferno's Satan speaking.. } IO: Saty bayyybeee!!! } Satan: Orrie?! Hey!! how are ya? hows things in the Oraculling business? } IO: Not too bad at all Satie-boy not too bad... Listen...  I've got }     a question here for ya... } Satan: What? You mean one you can't answer on your.. } IO: AHEM... what do you think everyone would think if I told them }     about the time you saved a sou.. } Satan: *cough* oh umm.. Don't do that... reputation to maintain }        and all! Okay Orrie, whats the question? } IO: Okay here it is.... }     > Would it be too inaccurate to volcanic eruptions as a Sign From }     > Below? } Satan: Who does this person think they are? Did he have a worthwhile }        grovel? } IO: hrpmh Barely.. but better than some I've gotten...  can ya help? } Satan: Lemme check up ... } <sound of another phone being dialed> } <murmer of voices> } Satan: Oh okay... yah.. <returns to phone> Oh Orrie?  Yah.. Chthulu }        apologises.. He's been at the Bean and Cabbage Surprise with the }        Onion and Chili garnish again. } <Sudden horrific scream echoes down the line> } Satan: Oh bugger... just when I'm busy... That was the door Damn it.. }        I *knew* God had a reason for giving us the Mormons... always }        knocking on my door... Gotta go.. nice talkin to ya Orrie. } IO: yep... cya Satie } <Click> } } Well there you go Supplicant.. Volcanic eruptions are simply a sign } that it's time to skip the cafeteria meal in Hell. } } You owe the Oracle a gas-mask and a good sequel to Zork Grand } Inquisitor.