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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell did she go and fall in love with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you sprayed yourself liberally with pheromones, wore your best } clothing and your $65,000 UltraSex watch, took her to Paris for a week } for her birthday, gave her a gold ring larger than many Latin American } nations, and had the CIA beam secret telepathic instructions into her } brain.  Why do you think, dodo? } } You owe the Oracle a pound of fudge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many inches measures the Earth, pole to pole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A brave troop of sixty-three inches are trying to measure the Earth from } pole to pole.  They started with one hundred eighty-two inches in April, } 1987, but many of them have died since then --- fourty from the great } English Units plague of 1988.  They are still hopeful, though they have } lost the cheery look that they once had, and most of them are shriveled } and shrunken. } } Still, they're doing better than the band of brave Angstrom units which } are trying to measure the Moon, pole to pole... } } You owe the Oracle two metric conversion tables.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, but what time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is the best of times, the worst of times.  It is a time to be born, a } time to die, a time to rejoice, a time to mourn, a time to sow, a time } to reap, a time to read news, a time to post, a time to enact } legislation calling for the building of seven new stadiums in Washington } DC, a time to repeal all laws concerning tofu, a time to go fishing in } the desert, a time to go mountain-climbing at the bottom of the ocean, a } time to act like a chicken in front of your boss, a time to act like a } boss in front of your chicken.  It's *NOW*.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that every morning I start out with good intentions, but end > up wasting every day away asking silly questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your intentions are the silly things. The questions are the meaningful } portion of your life. Try starting every morning with silly intentions, } and you will end up spending the day asking good questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and knowledgeable Oracle! O keeper of all Great Wisdoms! > O Font of San-serifed Knowledge! I pray answer my question: > > Why do so many people ask a computer about sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People, being the slaves of sex, are unable to think clearly about it. } Computers, being immune to the allure of sex, would seem to be able to } understand it.  This is actually wrong, as computers asked too much } about sex soon get very interested in digitized nudes and raunchy } fortune programs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is there anyone here who isn't a total geek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, your question is indeed a tough one.  To discuss this we must first } define the limits and definition of geekdom.  First people who ask } really stupid questions, such as "Is there anyone here who isn't a total } geek?" are merely annoucing to the world how geeky they are.  Second all } people who would try to seek wisdom by use of their computer must also } be a geek.  [not to mention for someone to combine the two is almost } maximising geekyness] Now the person who answers them is a cool and } rational manor is probably not a geek.  [However if the answer is made } hot-headly and abruptly they are] The last concrete proof of geekness is } by saying or implying that the speaker is not a geek, anyone who is not } a geek need not tell the world it should be obvious. } } In short, yes there are people here who are not geeks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Que devient le monde quand je dors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While you sleep gremlins crawl out of their places of hiding and } shadows of your inner world become real. The world of your dreams is } the real world, in your sense of measuring fact. } } Remember your dreams and live life fully.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are cats for?  Why are they here?  Why do they have tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats are here for sizing standards for rooms.  (I.e., "that room wasn't } big enough to swing a cat in") The tails, of course, are things that you } swing the cat by.  If it weren't for the tail, one would perhaps have to } insert a finger in an oriface, or use one of the four legs, resulting in } a smaller standard for the size of a room. } } You now owe the oracle a root beer and the head of Richard Nixon. } Should you refuse to pay, your oldsmobile will develop negative fuel } economy.  you have been warned.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What method of suicide is the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dying of old age: it takes the longest and most planning.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why, oh why, dear Oracle, does my employer insist on me > getting my beard cut off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it makes you look ugly.  Then again, cutting it off won't help } much.