|
} About 15 minutes ago, at a terminal not too far from your own...
}
} [Cue the moving text effect thingy...]
} Oracle Wars: Episode XXIV: The Familiar Menace
}
} It is a dark time in the galaxy. The release of Star Wars: Episode One:
} The Phantom Menace has resulted in the Internet Oracle being inundated
} with insipid Star Wars-related supplications. The Oracle himself begins
} gathering the priesthood together on the desert planet of Tattoedbutt
} in hopes of resolving the situation...
} [End moving text effect thingy...]
}
} [Scene: The Oracular Temple on Tattoedbutt. Two priests with
} exceptionally cool hair and accents are standing around in their robes,
} with zot staffs prominently visible.]
}
} Priest #1: Well, it looks as if we are in for a quick exposition via
} subtitles, insertion mid action, a couple or six action scenes, then
} the explosion of a large spacecraft, followed by a denoument that
} resembles a high school awards ceremony.
}
} Priest #2: Sounds about like the plan I read. How many times can you
} recycle the same plot?
}
} Priest #1: As long as people keep buying tickets and popcorn, I
} suppose.
}
} [Suddenly, someone's theme music begins to play]
}
} Priest #2: I sense a deep disturbance in the queue. As if some unseen
} force were making supplicants ask about a strange movie...
}
} Priest #1: Don't use the word force...you'll get us sued for sure!
}
} Priest #2: Right-o, I forgot about that.
}
} [An explosion rocks the room. Through a gaping hole that only recently
} appeared in the wall walks Darth Drainer, an especially annoying
} supplicant and Dark Lord of the Pith]
}
} Drainer: Come over to the dark side of the queue... you could never
} imagine the power I have! [oooh ahh oooh ahh breathing sounds]
}
} [Darth Drainer pulls back his cape to reveal an especially menacing
} double zot-wand. The priests respond by drawing their own weapons.]
}
} Priest #2: I guess it's time for the first lightsaber duel, eh Drainer?
}
} Drainer: Zot Wand! Zot Wand! Whatever you do, don't call the damn thing
} a lightsaber! What are you trying to do, get us sued?
}
} Priest #1: I was just talking to him about that. [to Priest #2:] You
} have much to learn, my young apprentice...
}
} Priest #2: I'm sorry, Master.
}
} [The characters begin to battle. ZOT!s fly around the room, breaking
} lots of furniture and setting many small fires, but it is clear the
} battle is a stalemate. The combantants deactivate their lightsabers
} ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hzot wands and face each other.]
}
} Priest #1: You are quite powerful, Drainer... but you can't win. You'll
} never be digested with a Star Wars parody. It just doesn't happen.
} They're boring and full of inside jokes that only the movie geeks get.
}
} Drainer: What do you know of being digested? I have the power of the
} dark side!!! We will meet again!
}
} [Darth Drainer turns and leaves]
}
} Priest #2: Why didn't you kill him, Master?
}
} Priest #1: You don't just kill a Lord of the Pith, young one.
} Especially not just five minutes in. Don't worry, we'll see him again.
} Usually, it's in about an hour.
}
} Priest #2: I'll be ready, master.
}
} [A shiny, slightly foppish droid ambles in.]
}
} CPR-H20: Oohhh! That was exciting, Master. Too exciting for a foppish
} droid, I should say. I will now panic and provide comic relief!
} Oooh!!!Oohh!!
}
} [Priest #2 cuts CPR-H20 in half with his zot wand. The pieces crash to
} the floor, and the droid's voice trails off into nothingness.]
}
} Priest #1: I say, you are almost ready for the trials. That was
} smashing!
}
} Priest #2: Thank you master. But isn't this incarnation getting rather
} long winded?
}
} Priest #1: Just like the movies...
}
} [Priest #1 and #2 walk off the set. We follow them as they walk across
} the back lot and find Darth Drainer munching on doughnuts by the snack
} table.]
}
} Priest #1: We've come to end it, Drainer. Either you stop with the Star
} Wars questions, or I zot you here and now.
}
} Darth Drainer: Bob, come on, man. Get out of character. Have a
} doughnut, you freak.
}
} Priest #1: It ends here.
}
} [Bob raises his Zot wand, but nothing happens. Priest #2 follows suit,
} and his weapon fails him as well.]
}
} Priest #1: What the fu...
}
} Drainer: The special effects boys aren't going to waste their time on
} shots we can't use, Bob. Joe, put that stupid broomstick down.
}
} Priest #2: He's winning, sir! What happened?
}
} Priest #1: Reality intruded. Next time we'll be ready, but I'm still
} within my 5-day waiting period for a handgun permit. Next time,
} Drainer!
}
} Drainer: Whatever, guys...See you tommorow for the big scene where I
} reveal that I was the first person to ask the w**dch*ck question.
}
} [Fade to Black]
}
} You owe the Oracle five prequels / sequels.
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
