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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ultra-smart and uber-wise Oracle, thou whose omniscience knows no > bounds: I have been asked a question that even I (whose own wisdom is > but scribblings on a cocktail napkin compared to the volumes within > your encyclopaedic mind) cannot answer... > > How do I set a laser printer to stun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After Zadoc's little "flaming parchment" accident of 1993, the Oracular } Temple staff switched to inkjet printers, so I haven't had to answer } laser printer questions for a while.  Let me see if I have an old } manual sitting around here.  Hmm... PrayTEL Mail Queuing System... } CrystalBall Home Prophecy Kit... ScortchWare Zot(tm) Staff 2000XL... } Ah, here it is. } } THE WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS OWNER'S GUIDE } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } Setting your WRATH OF GOD LASTERTEX 147LS to stun/kill: } } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } + WARNING: Before setting your printer to shock or maul, make sure    + } +          the computer is turned off; otherwise, dangerous loss of   + } +          data or limbs could result.                                + } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } } 1. Attach one end of the power cord into the receptacle on the back of }    the WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS. } 2. Attach the other end of the power cord into a grounded outlet. } } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } + WARNING: The WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX is equipped with a three-wire    + } +          grounding plug.  This plug fits only a grounding-type AC   + } +          outlet.  If you are unable to insert the plug into an      + } +          outlet, seek physical therapy or have your twelve-year-old + } +          child set up this d--n machine, you blooming nincompoop.   + } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } } 3. Attach one end of the peripheral cable to the port on the WRATH OF }    GOD LASERTEX 147LS marked with the lightning icon. } 4. Attach the other end of the peripheral cable into the corresponding }    port on a device which inspires frustration or rage.  Examples }    include any personal computer, virtually all fitness machines, your }    incompetent supervisor, toddlers, and the neighbor's dog. } 5. Turn your WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX printer to the on (|) position. } 6. If the WRATH OF GOD printing software is not installed on the rage }    port, install it now using the directions on pages xiii to lxxix. } } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } + WARNING: The WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX operating software should only   + } +          installed by someone mildly competent.  It is set to kill  + } +          instantly any user who double-clicks on a menu or button.  + } + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + } } 7. Click on the START menu.  Select the SETTINGS folder.  Select the }    CONTROL PANELS folder.  Open the PRINTERS control panel.  Select }    the WRATH OF GOD LASERTEX 147LS.  Choose "PROPERTIES..." from the }    FILE menu. } 8. Set the OUTPUT control from BLACK/WHITE to CONCENTRATED ENERGY BEAM. } 9. Set the ENERGY bar to the desired level. } } * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } * NOTE: The STUN level was tested on portly men in their forties,     * } *       considered the most common target for such attacks. The STUN  * } *       level might very well cause more significant damage in        * } *       the elderly or frail.                                         * } * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * } } 10. Close the PROPERTIES window. } 11. Open up any application capable of printing. } 12. Enter some inconsequential data.  Perhaps last quarter's earnings }     data, or a copy of your contract, or perhaps the results of your }     last strategic planning seminar. } 13. Wait until the desired target approaches the WRATH OF GOD LASER- }     TEX to retrieve his or her document, and send your document to the }     printer.  If you timed it right, the machine will stun or kill the }     unwary user. } } You owe the Oracle a message queue with the same functionality of the } WRATH OF GOD printer queue.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most amusingly clever and resourceful, you that has seen the > stars setting on seas long dried up into hard flat barren plains, > > Where do comets come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Great Snowball Fight of 2,432,330,742 BC.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Great and financially savvy Oracle, I keep hearing people talk > about "balloon loans" and I keep wondering -- why would anybody need > to borrow money to buy balloons?  I mean, they're not that expensive. > Well, okay, hot air balloons might be, but still, wouldn't a creditor > be more interested in offering car loans, or home improvement loans > or something more popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the victim of a common misconception, o fiscally unfit one. } These people you hear are not talking about "balloon" loans, but rather } "bull loon" loans.  These are special loans with terms crafted for } the needs of stock market speculators who want to cash in everything } they own and dump even more money into a market that's so overpriced } it can't help but come crashing down early in the afternoon of -- } oh, sorry, I can't divulge the exact date.  But anyway, you can } understand now that these bull loon loans really are *very* popular. } And of course you can guess why the terms always include the full } repayment of the loan after a relatively short time. } } You owe the Oracle a large quantity of tea bills and gold bouillon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose net never comes back empty, nor covered in icky > stuff that floats in the ocean, please answer this pathetic query > from your scum-sucking mud-dwelling suplicant. > > Whence came this tin of anchovies which has appeared in my office?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pay careful attention to the security tapes of your office for the last } few nights. Here's what has, in all likelihood, happened: sex. In the } office. Possibly on your desk. } } Understand, of course, that they who used your office for their own } personal love shack are not directly responsible for the tin of tiny } fish. That gift was provided by the sex fairies--small, winged, } elf-life creatures that love to watch young couples engaged in the act } of love. They were apparently only moderately grateful. If the couple } had been more creative in their act, the elves might have left a new } vcr, a widescreen television, or an expensive videocamera. } } However, you won't see them on the security tapes as these elves cannot } be photographed or videotaped. But the recorded antics of your two } employees will get quite a laugh at the next board meeting. } } You owe the Oracle a new blender, at least.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kentucky Fried Squid - it's tentacle-lickin' good!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in desperate need of more squid. } } Allow me to quote from Squidsong #1 by D. Christine Benders. } } My Grandfather's Squid was too large for the shelf, } So it sat in a tub by the door. } It was larger, four times, than the whole room itself, } And it weighted a considerable bit more. } } It was caught on the morn of the day that he was born. } It had four ships and their crews still inside, } And it ate the postman, a jogger and her dog, } When the Old Man died. } } Ninety years unrepentant, } Plish, plosh, plish, plosh. } It ate his dependants, } Plish, plosh, plish, plosh, } And it ate the postman, a jogger and her dog, } When the Old Man died. } } You owe the Oracle a quote from Squidsong #2 by the same author.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sapient Oracle, master of acronyms and wise in enterprise, > > Does Elmer FUD work for Microsoft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, his job is debugging other people's code.  Whenever someone } disturbs his work, he says, "Be vewwwwwy quiet.  I'm hunting Bugs!" } } You owe the Oracle a one-way trip from Redmond to Pismo Beach.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most quick-witted, you are judicious and imposing, > > Why are children still being taught cursive handwriting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This world has five billion people as of last count. Anything, } *ANYTHING* that keeps their minds off sex for a few years longer is } vital for the survival of our species. } } You owe The Oracle five weeks teaching groups of local teenagers } fractal methods for tying shoelaces.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what do I do when there's nothing to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 001. eat an avocado } 002. imagine laying on a bearskin rug } 003. melt a crayon in the microwave } 004. annoy a dog with a whistle } 005. wear a clip-on earring on your lower lip } 006. sit on a bag of Fritos(tm) } 007. pluck a goose } 008. hope it rains } 009. visit an industrial park } 010. learn ten words in Japanese } 011. kill a fly } 012. download a shareware version of Lemmings(tm) } 013. masticate a banana } 014. pluck your nose hairs } 015. order a pizza } 016. take a self-help quiz } 017. plan your retirement party } 018. sing in the shower } 019. give away your TV } 020. rent a U-Haul(tm) truck } 021. varnish a discarded two-by-four } 022. wink at a girl } 023. buy a yo-yo } 024. go to the zoo } 025. resist buying an Apple(tm) } 026. read something by William S. Burroughs } 027. comb your hair } 028. drive defensively } 029. empty your cache } 030. make a root beer float } 031. gargle with salt-water } 032. sing a hymn } 033. shop for cheaper car insurance } 034. forget the punch line to a joke } 035. search for web-sites about krill } 036. lose your lunch } 037. make a new mask } 038. fold a newspaper into a boat shape } 039. buy new Odoreaters(tm) } 040. plant some cactus } 041. write to The Queen of England } 042. rent 'Lost Highways' } 043. singe some of your body hair } 044. stare at your telephone } 045. buy some UV blocking sunglasses } 046. verify that your smoke detector works } 047. wash your hands repeatedly } 048. get a chest X-ray } 049. play 'Return to Zork'(tm) } 050. drive as close to Los Angeles as you can } 051. break a promise } 052. stockpile canned food } 053. drink some tea } 054. eat some garlic } 055. floss your teeth } 056. take out the garbage } 057. hide a spare key } 058. inspect yourself for cancerous lumps } 059. swear never to eat Jello(tm) again } 060. sharpen your knives } 061. lose one pound } 062. check to see if you got any mail } 063. buy something you don't need } 064. open your computer up, blow the dust out } 065. paint one of your fingernails red } 066. stop worrying } 067. eat some quiche } 068. type a new resume } 069. flip your mattress over } 070. clean out the refrigerator } 071. shred those old love letters } 072. throw away two shirts } 073. alphabetize your sock drawer } 075. shave } 076. argue with yourself } 077. put a blacklight in your bathroom } 078. count your cash } 079. purchase some Philp K. Dick books } 080. estimate how many hours you sleep each year } 081. finish that one project } 082. give the car a good cleaning } 083. make up a fire escape plan for your home } 084. put a penny in a glass of orange juice } 085. put a 'Get out of jail free' card in your wallet } 086. draw a telephone on the bottom of your left shoe } 087. eat some cottage cheese and A-1(tm) sauce } 088. make a worse mouse trap } 089. sew buttons on to a scrap of felt } 090. read the grep man page } 091. have one on the house } 092. go to your neighbor and ask to borrow some sugar } 093. cross out every third noun on your ID card } 094. go for a walk } 095. read your own palm } 096. call up a Motel-6 in Nevada } 097. drink some 7-Up(tm) } 098. make a chart showing what you ate yesterday } 099. resolve to say no in German from now on } 100. send in 10 questions to the Oracle } } You owe the Oracle a toothpick.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Most Musically Inclined Plane Orrie, > >       How come Euphonium Players NEVER get any respect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Methinks you've answered your own question. They play euphoniums! } Euphoniums! About the only way a euphonium player could be taken less } seriously would be for him to play a kazoo. } } You owe the Oracle a kazoo.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Who Would Never Sink As your Bottom is a flotation device > please tell me: > > What were the last words said by passengers on the Titanic as the ship > went down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there were many passengers that went down and therefore many last } words. } } Here is a random sampling: } } I'll give you fifty bucks for that life preserver. } } Gee honey, look at the fireworks.  Oooh... Aaah... } } Do you have to play "Nearer My God to Thee"?  Couldn't ya pick } something more upbeat?  Something with a rhythm we could all dance to? } That's depressing... } } Gosh, wouldn't this make some movie? } } Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  Its been five minutes since my } last confession and in that time I've taken the Lord's name in vain 217 } times. } } "Let's take the big ship", she says...  "Meet classy people on board", } she says...  "You might better yourself", she says...  "I'm too scared } to fly", she says... } } <White Star Staff>  Alright, single file line...  Nothing to see here. } Please stay in a single file line and everybody gets to jump overboard } when their turn comes... That's right... Stay in line... } } No. NO!  I'm not going anywhere without my Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzy bear. } } <Captain Smith>  Glad this ain't an oil tanker.  They'd sue the pants } off of me. } } * glub glub glub ACK* } -------- } You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why you were staring at my } bottom.