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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh connoisseur of cultures old, new or yet conceived, maestro of rush >  hour traffic, virtuoso of voles! > >  Is it really possible to string ducks together by tying some fishing >  line to a bit of liver, feeding it to one duck, waiting for it to pass >  thru the first duck, then feeding the undigested bit of liver to >  another duck and so on and so on??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What-ho, supplicant! I like an original grovel with a bit of zip to it. } Well done. Let's see what I can do about your question. } } Well, think about it for a moment. Assume that the first duck does not } notice (or care) that this piece of liver has a piece of fishing line } tied to it. Further assume that said duck's digestive system does not } digest enough of the liver to make the after products distinguishable } from typical "merde de la canard" (Pardon my French). I suppose what } you might get is something vaguely like a masticated Oskar Meyer } weiner. (And let me tell you, supplicant, that is NOT truly what I want } to be.) } } Given these assumptions, and assuming that the first duck does not have } conniptions when it realizes that it's esophagus and intestinal tract } are now threaded on fishing line, you go in search of duck #2. } } You present weiner-esque bit of liver to duck #2. Duck #2 regards this } offering, looks at you, says "Are you crazy? That smells like it came } out of some guy's butt!". Ducks are not dogs, supplicant. They have } standards. End of experiment. } } Of course, this ignores the most important piece of empirical data of } all: Ducks, like most sentient species on this planet, do not like } liver. } } You owe the Oracle a $10 donation to the SPCA.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Recently I received the following unsolicited email from somebody > in Pakistan. The language has me confused: is this Pakistani English, > a mutated variety of B1FF, or something else? > >    Subject: hello > >    hello >    from a young horticulturist, >    I have just completed my M.Sc (hons) majoring horticulture from >    University of Agriculture Faisalabad Pakistan. (established in >    1909). i was searching any thing related on internat about the >    horticuture and i luckly found u people so now oit izzzz just hello >    and any thing i cannnn prooooovide u people it will be a good. >    [etc.] > > Yrs, > Spplcnt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "An intriguing problem, what, Zadoc?" } } He sat in the armchair across from mine, steepling his fingers in such } a way as to indicate his intellect had found a problem worthy of } attack. I lowered the telegram I had just read aloud. } } "Come now, your Omniscience, this poor fellow S.P.P. Le Cant is } obviously the victim of some over-eager newbie with a dubious command } of English and the QWERTY keyboard. There's nothing sinister in that. } Merely a mundane annoyance." } } "On the contrary, Zadoc. The mundane is often far more dangerous than } the merely sinister. I draw your attenttion to the curious incident of } the spelling errors in the first four lines of the message." } } I examined the telegram again. } } >  hello } >  from a young horticulturist, } >  I have just completed my M.Sc (hons) majoring horticulture from } >  University of Agriculture Faisalabad Pakistan. (established in } >  1909). i was searching any thing related on internat about the } >  horticuture and i luckly found u people so now oit izzzz just hello } >  and any thing i cannnn prooooovide u people it will be a good. } >  [etc.] } } "But there are no spelling errors in the first four lines." } } "That is the curious incident. It seems most singular to me that an } M.Sc. honours student with a poor grasp of English should have no } difficulty with words such as "established" and yet remain unaware that } "is" does not contain four z's." } } "By Jove, your Magnificence, you're right!" } } "A trivial matter of observation, Zadoc." } } "But what can it mean?" } } He reached across and took the message from my hands. For several } minutes he regarded it thoughtfully. } } "The multitude of o's in "provide" is rather suggestive." } } He fairly leapt from his seat and sprinted from the room, beckoning me } to follow. He ducked into the laboratory which he maintained in the } spare room. He went to an outlandish pile of gears, rods and wires } which lurked in the corner - the analytical engine that was a gift from } Sir Babbage after the queue drainer affair. He began rummaging in a } shoebox full of punch cards on the table beside the machine. } } "Whatever are you doing, your Omnipotence?" } } "Zadoc, consider! What is the most reliable way to ensure a } conversation will not be overheard." } } I considered. "To hold it in a busy train station. There it's so } crowded, no one will take any notice of two people." } } "Exactly! Now consider an analagous way to hide an encoded message..." } } "Of course! Disguise it as something innocuous, and then mass-mail it } to dozens of people!" } } "Including the intended recipient, who of course will be the only one } capable of decoding it." } } "Brilliant, your Stupendousness!" } } "Elementary, Zadoc. Ha! Found it!" } } He pulled a punch card from the box and fed it into the engine. When } the clacking of gears had ceased, he entered the text of Le Cant's } puzzling message by means of a typewriter contrived into the machine. } He hit the last carriage return with a flourish and stood back, as the } engine began its analyses. } } "I believe this programme will decode our horticulturist's meaning. A } simple code, involving replacing each letter which is a vowel by the } next consecutive vowel in the alphabet, and each consanat with the } next consecutive consonant. A pearl of wisdom from the Eunichs of } Sultan Al-bin-shel of the oriental nation of Quatrhain." } } A sharp chime came from the analytical engine, and a ribbon of paper } came spooling out of it. The Oracle tore off the paper and displayed } it. } } >   jimmu } >   gsun e auyph jusvodymvysotv, } >   O jewi kytv dunqmivif na N.Td (jupt) nekusoph jusvodymvysi gsun } >   Ypowistova ug Ehsodymvysi Geotemecef Qelotvep. (itvecmotjif op } >   1909). o xet tiesdjoph epa vjoph simevif up opvispev ecuyv vji } >   jusvodyvysi epf } >   o mydlma guypf y qiuqmi tu pux uov obbbb kytv jimmu epf epa vjoph o } >   depppp qsuuuuuwofi y qiuqmi ov xomm ci e huuf. } } "Your All-knowingness, it's mere jibberish!" } } "More precisely, Zadoc, a dialect of Old High Jibberish common to the } foothills of the Ural mountains. Note the word "qsuuuuuwofi", meaning } "unshadowed victory", which is the only word in any known language } to contain five consecutive and distinctly prounounced u's." } } "What does it say?" } } "It is a pledge of 1,909 pounds sterling to the war chest of that most } nefarious and degenerate cult, the Hand of Rhod, from Count Ypowistova } ug Ehsodymvysi Geotemecef Qelotvep, the heir to the throne of Afdania. } The Count's secretary makes some telling references about some plot } involving bright red Siamese fighting fish and the bathtub of a } prominent member of the Royal Family." } } "Zounds!" } } "Indeed, Zadoc. If only Le Cant had sent us the entire message! Quickly } Zadoc, the game is afoot!"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, > > Uh... > You seem a bit concerned, Orrie.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's this asteroid that's about to smash into the earth, causing } massive death, destruction, tidal waves, twisters, and whatnot. I've } got a bet going with Zeus that it's going to hit Poland, but Zadoc } messed up the calcuations and it's heading straight for New York. } } Apart from that, not much. } } You owe The Oracle a whole gold planet. Zeus ALWAYS collects on a bet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, so if you are so damn clever, how come there are only two > nostrills, Eh? > Why not 5 - and the same with eyes, surely being able to see all the > way around would be a damn site easier? > > M-,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the lab notes of YHWH: } } October 14th, 4004 BC 10:23 PM } Finished up the plans for most of the rest of the animals today. } The placentals are really starting to look silly now that I've finished } with the marsupials. I think I'll only seed a couple of the smaller } continents with marsupials - given time, they're pretty much destined } to take over the world anyway. } } One of the monkeys is giving me design problems. I'm probably going } to have to increase the brain size tomorrow. } } October 16th, 4004 BC 11:33 PM } What a mess. OK, it's like this: I started with some of the leftovers } from the other primates, figuring one more species wouldn't hurt. } The gorillas had the strength and wisdom already, the chimps the } playfulness and cunning, the lemurs had the night-vision - well, } you get the idea. By the time I got started on these humans, they } were these scrawny little hairless freaks with hardly anything to } recommend them. } } Well, I figured that with all those disadvantages, they'd be easy prey. } I decided to give them 18 nostrils and 6 eyes, all around their head, } so at least they could see the predators coming (how they were going } to get away, I still don't know). } } Turns out that the standard monkey brain just can't handle all } that input.  I got skull and gray stuff all over the walls. So I } made the brains just a little bigger. Still no good. Bigger still. } Still no help, although they were starting to act kind of funny. Well, } next thing I knew, these things had completely disproportionate brain } cases, and they still couldn't get past two eyes and two nostrils. } It's got to be the dendrons, I guess. But the scary thing was that } they had started to talk, and you wouldn't believe the things that were } coming out of their mouths. Questions about why the sky was blue, why } there was suffering in the world, how much w[ed: some content elided]. } } Tomorrow I'm just going to have to put the test cases down and } start again.  Maybe I should try a cetacean this time... } } October 17th, 4004 BC 9:02 AM } Oh Me. The freaking humans got out of their cage. I shouldn't have } left that coathanger lying around, although who would have thought } they would use it like that? } } I've just got to be sure I catch them before they start breeding...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Cat's in the Cradle with the silver spoon > Little boy blue and the man on the moon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (with massive apologies to Harry Chapin) } } "Zot's in the Cradle" } Music by Harry Chapin } Lyrics by T. I. Oracle } } The supplicant arrived just the other day, } mail hit the queue in the usual way. } But there were priests to harass, and hell to pay. } He learned to tellme while I was away. } He was Incarnated 'fore I knew it, and as he typed, } He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Orrie. } You know I'm gonna Zot them too." } } And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon, } little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon. } "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when. } But we'll have a hot time then. } You know they can't be saved by Ian." } } My staff zotted ten just the other day. } "Thanks for the bolt, Orrie, c'mon let's slay. } Can you teach me to Zot?"  I said "Not today, } I got queue to answer."  He said "That's O-Tay!"[1] } And he flamed away, but his .sig, lemme tell you, } Said "I'm gonna be like him, yeah. } You know I can Zot like him." } } And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon, } little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon. } "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when. } But we'll have a hot time then. } You know they can't be saved by Ian." } } Well you know he made Priest just the other day, } Made the Oracularities tenth time they say. } "Priest, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?" } He shook his hood, and he said with a smile, } "What I'd realy like, Master, is to drain the queue } See you later, you've got nothing to do!" } } And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon, } little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon. } "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when. } But we'll have a hot time then. } You know they can't be saved by Ian." } } I've long since retired, my staff's gone awry. } I saw that Priest just the other day. } I said "I'd like to zot you, you little snipe!" } He said "Your staff is limp, don't bother me with tripe. } Since I took your job, I've had nothing to do. } Someone keeps draining the queue, Orrie! } Someone keeps draining the queue!" } And as I picked up my staff, it occured to me, } He'd be zotted to eternity. } Ashes are his destiny. } } And the Zot's in the cradle, and the priests all croon, } little Zadoc's pet and I bay at the moon. } "When you spodding RHOD, man?" "I don't know when. } But we'll have a hot time then. } You know they can't be saved by Ian."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey orrie, > > I have $5 riding on whether your answer to this will be funny, so > gimme something good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You lose. } } You owe the Oracle a return to the days of Calvin Coolidge.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I am, as I'm sure you know, a very frustrated incarnation. After a long > hiatus as an Oracular Embodiment, I have returned and once again begun > looking to the Oracle for the answers to my questions. As part of this > process, I open myself to you and allow you to speak your words of > wisdom through me so that other supplicants can see your wisdom. > > But I'm confused about this whole Digest thing. I've had several of my > answers digested in the last year - but in each case, they were the > answers that I felt could have been better. The truly witty responses, > loaded with humor, insight, and a deep understanding of the universe > have been passed over time and time again by the Priesthood selection > committee. > > I've also had several of my questions digested, but again, the same > problem has arisen. I have recently received answers to my questions > that have been passionate to the point of tears, and humorous to the > point of crying - but it wasn't these question/answer pairs that were > digested. > > What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew someone was going to ask this eventually, but we've been trying } to hold off so we'd have a nice surprise for everyone.  Of course } now that you've asked, I have to answer.  Couldn't just post to rhod, } no, you had to find out what's really going on. } } The answer is that the world will actually come to an abrupt and } rather unpleasant end soon.  Won't bother me any of course, but you } meat-based organisms are going to have a rough time of it.  So the } priests have been saving the very best of the Oracular output, and } just before civilization crumbles you'll be treated to a veritable } orgy of insightful, thought-provoking and downright thigh-slapping } red-in-the-face laugh-til-you-wet-your-pants Oracularities.  You and } the rest of humanity will die horribly, but you'll be amused and } enlightened to the very end. } } Of course, saving the really good stuff means some mediocre entries } get digested, but we've been trying to convince everyone that the } priests were in a hurry to get back to their Barney the Dinosaur } videotapes and didn't have time to read all the submissions. } } You owe the Oracle a good pair of sunglasses.  Soon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand one with wisdom more rare than a black lotus, > master of all the known (and three unknown) circles of > protection, ye who has all five walks and is unblockable by > less than 5 creatures and can pay 1 to cancel any spell at any > time, and you have fifteen lands in play already..please tell me > > I love Magic: The gathering, at first nobody minded, but then > my father (rrr2 2/3 HouseWalk *may tap to ground target creature > to room till end of controllers next turn*) tried to tell me > I am obsessed by the game...that all I care about is the game > and I don't know what reality is.. hah! he is just upset that > a bog wraith has greater stats than him... > now my brother joe (r 1/1 *may pay r to get any target creature > 'in trouble' (remove from game)) has started anoying me about it > to..so I ask you.. > Am I addicted to magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I can't help you at the moment. I'm all tapped out

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most vigilant and scrutinizing, > > Which type of bug do you recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It really depends on the occasion.  Large, meaty bugs like Goliath } beetles are best for formal affairs and should be served steaming with } a robust, dry red.  Cicadas, on the other hand, are best for summer } gatherings outdoors and should be served chilled with a semidry white. } Microsoft applications are best served with a court order. } } You owe the Oracle a side of deep-fried butterflies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me the way to San Jose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are lost.  You are in a car on a two-lane road that travels to the } north and south. } } > ASK ORACLE "WHERE AM I?" } } The Oracle answers: "You are on CA-1 just south of Monterey." } } > N } } You are in a medium-sized city. } } > N } } You are on a beach.  There is a lot of sand and a dead sea lion here. } } > LOOK SAND } } It is sand. } } > LOOK SEA LION } } I see no "SEA LION" here. } } > LOOK DEAD SEA LION } } You don't want to do that. } } > N } } You are on a field overlooking the sea. There are artichokes here. } } > RUN AWAY! } } Good Choice.  Which direction? } } > N } } You are in a seaside swamp.  It smells terrible here. } } The road now travels to the west and to the south. } } > W } } You are in a medium-sized city containing a rather amusing notion of an } amusement park. } } The road leads to the east and west.  There is also another road to the } north. } } > N } } You enter CA-17 and accelerate.  The speed limit is 50 mph, so you } naturally travel at about 90.  You are able to cope with the curves for } about 1/2 mile, when you hurtle into the concrete median divider and } you and your car explode in a fiery wreck.  The accident also kills the } 37 tailgaters behind you and the person trying to pass on the margin to } the left. } } You are dead. } } You have scored -380 points. } } You owe the Oracle 550 metric tons of Valium, to be administered to all } U.S. drivers west of the Mississippi, and about 80 million baseball } bats to be used in a similar manner.