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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quick, our computer is crashing. > > What DO i Dooo >        abouttttt >             ttttt >              ttttt >               ttttt@#$@$@%@% > My >   y >    y >     y Fi >         l  s >          e >           e >            e >                             @#$@#$@#$@# >                @#$@@@@@@@@@@4234234      @#$@#$$$$$$@#$@#$ >   #$@#$ $@$ 23$@#$ 2#$@#$$$$$$$$@#$@#$@#$@#$ >  23$@$# >  @$@##$#@$ >  $@$@ > > >                  HELP!!!!!! >                  ^#$$^&&@$@ > > >    C >     R >      A >       S >        H >         !!!!!!@$@#$@$@#$@#$2 > 24@$@#$@#$2 > 342#$234 > 24@#$23$23 > 423#$23 > 342$2 > 4@#4 > 234234 > 2342 > 42$23 > 4 > > > > Connection closed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmmmmm.  It seems to me that your computer is infected with some } sort of virus.  I certainly hope you } have }      e }         n }           ' }             t }                af466!@$% ected my 2534@!$5 terminal! } }       Auuuugggghhhh! You have, you @#$^@&*@#& my fil }                                                       e }                                                        e }                                                         e }                                                          s! } }                                    561 2461313 } } } @22@44^%561 } ^$146^111$$4 } } You owe the oracle a new CPU!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Subject:  Tell Me > > O Great and mighty Oracle, whose presence fills even the Trump tower, > who toejam is worshipped by the lowlyest IRS agent, whose mere presense > is enough to pop corn, who can open up entire files with but a flick of > his nail, who can program an entire system (in ANSII minimal basic) in > the same amount of time that it takes the average man in Grand Central > Station to piss (35 seconds average), who can bring down an entire fly > with but a single blow, who can read all of this without getting bored, > who knows the answer to all questions in the universe, whose spelling is > never wrong, whose mother always bakes cookies, can converse with > himself in three different versions of LISP at the same time, whose > C-programs don't need to be debugged, whose sweat is the deoderant of > kings and who can topple the highest artificial intelligence with but a > single word.  And in conclusion, I wish to tell you how great you have > made my life, how your very presence in the universe gives me a spot of > light to guide me, whose witty sayings give me insiration in my sleep, > and whose words are worshipped as the only truth.  Oh great oracle, you > have inspired me already!  I have invented a new word--'insiration', oh > Oracle, great is the power of your presence to affect me from so far, oh > how the ancient babylonians must have worshipped you, oh how the Reagons > must have adored you.  Your power is as great as the sun, nay, as great > as all of the suns, filling the universe, pushing out all ignorance, > killing those who are unworthy to even concieve you!!  Yes you are truly > great. > > I have a question oh Great Oracle, but first let me tell you much I > revere the mere mention of your knowledge that you bestow upon the > children you have spawned.  You are the light of knowledge against the > darkness of ignorance, you are the road with no speed bumps which leads > to enlightenment, you are the oyster with the perfect pearl, you are the > hat which never flies off, you are the backpack with straps that do not > bite in, you are the pasta that does not stick, you are the shoe that > always fits. > > Oh Great Oracle, please tell me........ > > ...uh.... > > ..now what was I going to ask?.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I belive you were going to ask: } } "Oh Oracle, Why do I even attempt to put into words how great you are } when I know that is not possible.  Oh why do I do this, for I know it } would just lead to a lengthy attempt which would end at my exhaustion. } Oh why........................." } } Well, I believe you get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle more praise.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you who know all and tell nought, why is it, by which I mean that I wish > to knowwhy it is, that you never actually give GOOD advice?  You always > give me some DUMB little answer that doesn't mean anything.  How come? > Your [mis]friend, > The Hippo > Who is Annoyed right Now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, my friend.  I tend to get a little bit cynical dealing with } all of these boneheads who tend to ask stupid questions deserving little } more than stupid answers, hardly deserving my time, even.  The only } reason I even bother is for the occasional ray of sunshine streaming } through the nets, such as yourself, Hippo.  I want to thank you for all } the joy your questions have brought me and I'll try to keep an eye out } for you in the future so I can give your questions the answers they } deserve.  *Sniff* I have to go.  I need to find a tissue or something. } Bye.  *sniff* }                                     your friend, }                                                  O

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best formula that you know of for the calculation of pi.  I > need one that converges on the value at least at the rate of one digit > per repitition.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use the following program: } } #define DIGITS 10 } } main() } { }  char pi[DIGITS]; } }  pi[0]='3'; }  pi[1]='.'; }  pi[2]='1'; }  pi[3]='4'; }  pi[4]='1'; }  pi[5]='5'; }  pi[6]='9'; }  pi[7]='2'; }  pi[8]='6'; }  pi[9]='\0'; } }  printf("pi = %s.\n",pi); } } } } This is by far the fastest algorithm I know.  For more digits, edit the } first line.  You may have to change some of the source code as well.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, oracler than all old oragami, just who is David Barry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dave Barry is an Oracle want-to-be.  As you might have noticed he is } nowhere as intelligent or witty as I am.  He makes cheap spin offs of my } ideas, and then publishes them under his name with no credit to me. } } You owe the Oracle a home and a black hole.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who put the X in SEX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good question, sir!  As you are aware, SEX used to be SE.  Now, } it wasn't just SE for no reason at all.  It was SE because, in all the } really sexy languages like French and Italian and Latin, SE means "self" } ("Il s'embrasse", he kissed himself).  Long, long ago, you see, it was } all a solitary proposition. } } But then the EXternal sex partner showed up!  It was a happy and } wonderful surprise!  SEEX was much more fun than SE!  (It got shortened } to SEX pretty quickly.  There wasn't space for both those E's, so they } put one inside the other.) } } Of course, the EXternal partner became the EX-partner pretty quickly, } but it started a trend. } } You owe the oracle another X.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo he visto que Ud. hable frances.  ?Hable Espanol tambien? > > Gracias

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nicht!  Das is nicht gut!  Non fabulo Espanolam!  Je ne parle pas } d'Espanol!  Kodazh v ne Spanilka!  Ich bin ein Berliner! } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, now that Jim Bakker is in prison, that means Tammy Faye > is back on the market, huh?  Can you fix me up with her, please??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does have much influence in high places, and can do this for } you.  However, the Oracle will use its influence much more wisely by } getting you an appointment with a leading psychologist to determine why } you want Tammy and not Jessica!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just WHO is this Lisa, and do we have any other net.xxx.yyy figures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My oh my, Lisa is *VERY* popular isn't she.... } } I just answered a question on her, hold on a second.... } } >Lisa, oh Lisa wonderful Lisa.... } > } >Well, lets see. } > } >     Name:           Lisa } >     Age:            1103346844 seconds } >     Height:         5.5 cubits } >     Weight:         .25 elk units } >     Eyes:           Center of head } >     Hair:           Brown } >     Hobbies:        making <CENSORED>, eating homemade ice cream and } >                     eating other girls <CENSORED> } >     Favorite Things:<CENSORED>, white <CENSORED>, homemade ice cream } >                     and you } >     Turn ons:       Homemade ice cream, whipped cream, hot fudge and } >                     laytex } >     Turn offs:      Axes, chainsaws, straight sex and hockey masks } >     Feet:           Two } > } >Lisa is a young girl who works as a net.sex.goddess. She has <CENSORED> } >every day with almost anyone, and likes it best with two <CENSORED>'s. } >Her <CENSORED> is well made, and has a large <CENSORED> in it. } > } >     ========== } >     |        | } >     |    O   | } >     |   /|\  | } >     |   / \  | } >     |   Lisa | } >     ========== } > } >You owe the Oracle an ASCII picture of <CENSORED> and some clean } >sheets. } > } >p.s.  Sorry, but I accidentally did a global replace of 'a polka dot } >flower' with the word '<CENSORED>'.  Sorry for the inconvinience. } } As far as other net.goddesses go, there is: } }       Big.mama.net.hog.goddess }       Joan.the.net.vacuum }       and Harvey.the.net.cross.dresser } } You owe the Oracle a handkerchief.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last week, Mayor Marion Barry of Washington DC was arrested after being > videotaped smoking crack cocaine.  Is it possible that this whole > incident was staged as some sort of desperate reelection bid in a town > full of drug addicts?  Will all the junkies in the District of Colombia > now vote for a fellow crack head?  And by the way, how come it's called > the District of "Colombia"?  The capitol of Colombia is not "District of > the United States of America", so why do we have a District of Colombia? > And when will MTV air the Barry video?  Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's the deal. } } Mayor Marion Barry uses drugs.  He admits it freely. } } What Mayor Marion Barry has not admitted is that } }   1)  The CIA told him to take drugs to lure in the drug lords. }   2)  He was framed. }   3)  President Bush sold him the drugs. }   4)  He's actually Medellin #7. }   5)  He doesn't really like cocaine that much anyway. } } All of these things are top secret so he can't reveal them just yet. } I hope I can trust your discretion. } } You owe the oracle an oath of secrecy.