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} Wow, that's some grovelling technique you got there, kid! Let's see you
} do some more.
}
} > YOUR BATHWATER IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN AMBROSIA.
} > I FILL EVERY ROOM WITH ANGLE-POISE LAMPS IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT YOUR
} > SHADOW MAY FALL WITHIN A FEW FEET OF MY WRETCHED FESTERING BODY.
} > I FLAGELLATE MYSELF WITH LIVE JELLYFISH SO THAT YOU MAY SNEER WITH
} > CONTEMPT AT MY PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO GAIN YOUR APPROVAL.
} > BUT MASTER, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?
}
} Course I did, son, and may I say, you restore my faith in humanity.
} Why, I haven't heard grovelling like that since -- what's all the
} racket outside? -- well, in quite some time, anyway. Go on, do some
} more, it's heaven. Hey, a bit of quiet out there, please!
}
} > MASTER PLEASE, YOU MUST LISTEN--
}
} I said grovel!
}
} > NEVER HAS THERE BEEN AN INTELLECT LIKE THINE.
} > ALL MANKIND'S GREATEST THINKERS -- NEWTON, EINSTEIN, QUAYLE -- MERELY
} > STAND IN THE CROWD WAVING AS YOU GO BY.
} > YOUR ARMPITS SPROUT WISDOM.
} > YOUR NAVEL COLLECTS CLEVERNESS LIKE LINT.
} > AFTER YOU HAVE SPOKEN, I TEAR OFF MY EARS AND RAM THEM UP MY BACKSIDE
} > SO AS TO ENSURE THAT I MAY NEVER HEAR ANYTHING MORE.
}
} Ooh, ooh, I'm in raptures! Well, kid, after all that you certainly
} deserve an answer to your, er... what is it you wanted to ask again?
} Say, is that gunfire? No, couldn't be. Okay, kid, tell me your -- what
} the heck?
}
} [The door of the Oracular chamber bursts open and several
} smoke-streaked figures rush in. Three woodchucks clutching handguns
} surround the startled Oracle's throne. They are followed by Zadoc the
} Priest carrying an Uzi, and the delectable Lisa wearing a revealing
} khaki T-shirt, combat trousers and several ammo belts. She is carrying
} a chain gun and looks rather like Kylie Minogue in "Street Fighter: The
} Movie", only more convincing. The supplicant stands calmly by while
} this is happening]
}
} Oracle: What's the meaning of this intrusion? Can't you see I'm dealing
} with a supplicant here!
}
} Lisa: Shut up, fat boy.
}
} Zadoc: [to the supplicant] Well done, Kendai.
}
} Kendai: IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, and you can go back to speaking in lower case now.
}
} Kendai: He never suspected a thing. He didn't even recognize me!
}
} Zadoc: All those grovelling lessons certainly paid dividends, eh? I
} remember when you first came to us, you could barely remember to say
} "guv" at the end of sentences. Now look at you!
}
} Lisa: That's enough, you two. Plenty of time for self-congratulation
} later.
}
} Oracle: I demand to know what's going on! How dare you--
}
} Lisa: You idiot! Kendai here just told you what was going on! You were
} too puffed up with vanity to even notice!
}
} Zadoc: That was our problem, you see -- how to overthrow someone who's
} omniscient, who can see it coming a mile off. But in the end, the
} solution was ridiculously simple. All we had to do was keep you
} distracted with some really craven grovelling--
}
} Kendai: That was my idea!
}
} Zadoc: While we eliminated the rest of the priesthood. They're all
} dead, by the way, in case you're thinking of calling for help.
}
} Oracle: Wh-who are you people? You're not my loyal family of in-jokes!
}
} Zadoc: Shall we tell him, Your Majesty?
}
} Lisa: Why not?
}
} Zadoc: Very well, fool! [He and Kendai rip off their masks] Recognize
} your old adversaries now?
}
} Oracle: Rodents Of Unusual Size!
}
} Zadoc: Right in one! I know, you fondly imagined you'd finished us
} R.O.U.S. off in #988-06 and #993-05, didn't you?
}
} Kendai: But all the time, we've been building our strength--
}
} Zadoc: Infiltrating your organization--
}
} Kendai: Waiting for the right moment--
}
} Zadoc: When we could destroy you forever!
}
} Lisa: And now that moment has arrived. [She aims her chain gun at the
} Oracle's head]
}
} Oracle: Aren't you going to take your mask off too?
}
} Lisa: Could you really bear to see me as I am, lover boy? Would your
} overinflated ego survive the revelation that the net.sex.goddess who
} has been sharing your bed all this time, and subjecting herself to
} your clumsy and ineffectual groping, was none other than...
}
} Zadoc & Kendai: [in unison, reverentially] Chuckzilla, Queen Of All The
} Woodchucks, Blessed Be Her Name!
}
} Oracle: No! No! I don't believe it!
}
} Lisa: Bah! Still you persist in this fantasy that all in-jokes were
} created purely for your benefit. Your arrogance is as astounding as
} it is nauseating. Prepare to be shredded, bozo. [Again, she aims the
} chain gun]
}
} Zadoc: Glorious Amazon Goddess and Pinnacle Of Furry Femininity -- you
} forget! This piece of fleshy pink offal is immortal. You cannot kill
} him.
}
} Lisa: Curses, you're right! Very well, throw him in the deepest
} dungeon. Let him rot there for all eternity.
}
} [With threatening gestures, the three woodchucks of no more than usual
} size shepherd the broken figure of the Oracle out of the chamber,
} towards the escape-proof dungeons far below the Oracular shrine. The
} Queen Of All The Woodchucks surveys her new domain]
}
} Lisa: Mine, it's all mine! The supplicants, the tribute, everything!
}
} Kendai: What are your commands, Mistress?
}
} Lisa: "Mistress"? What sort of a lame excuse for a grovel is that?
} You think I'm less worthy of prostrate, fawning adulation than that
} furless lump of wombat guano we just deposed?
}
} Kendai: I crave forgiveness. WHAT ARE YOUR COMMANDS, SHE FOR WHOSE
} FAVOR TO GAIN I WOULD GLADLY PLUCK OUT MY WHISKERS AND SCULPT THEM
} INTO A 1/1000TH SCALE MODEL OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. SHE WHOSE
} MEREST SMILE CAUSES MULTIPLE ORGASMS IN FIVE-WEEK OLD ROADKILL. SHE
} WHO TURNS EVERY DAY INTO FEBRUARY THE 2ND.
}
} Lisa: That's better. I'll tell you my commands. From now on, any
} supplicant that fails to ask the woodchuck question gets Zotted!
} All payments to the Intermarmot Oracle will be lumps of timber
} thrown with an overarm motion! All answers will be in the form
} of impenetrable in-jokes, so only fully-qualified RHODents will
} understand what's going on! Oh, and all RHODents must undergo
} extensive plastic surgery so they may be worthy to bear that
} noble name!
}
} Zadoc: It will be done, Light Of A Thousand Fluffy Stars. But first,
} please remove that hideous mask, which makes you look uglier than
} a naked molerat, and permit us to bask in the radiance of your
} resplendent fuzzy features.
}
} Lisa: If you like.
}
} [She rips off her mask. The R.O.U.S. formerly known as Zadoc and Kendai
} scream in horror. For there before them stands the Internet Oracle,
} still looking rather delectable in his revealing khaki T-shirt, but no
} longer even remotely like Kylie Minogue]
}
} Zadoc: Impossible!
}
} Kendai: You can't be--
}
} Zadoc: We saw you--
}
} Oracle: Pitiful fools! Did you really think you could neutralize my
} omniscience with a little (admittedly eloquent) grovelling? I foresaw
} this feeble attempt months ago and took appropriate countermeasures.
}
} Zadoc: What have you done with--
}
} Oracle: Your pathetic so-called queen? Sorry, boys, but she's dogfood.
}
} [With snarls of rage and hatred, the R.O.U.S. go for their weapons. The
} Oracle opens fire with his chain gun, and the remains of the oversized
} marmots are spattered against the far wall. Casually, the Oracle puts
} the gun down]
}
} Oracle: Well, that was easy. Now, who am I going to get to pander to
} my -- what was it again? -- overinflated ego now? No more Lisa, no
} more Zadoc, all the other priests dead... Oh well, there's nothing
} else for it. Og! Hoi, OG!
}
} Og: Og here.
}
} Oracle: Og, as last surviving in-joke, you're hereby promoted to chief
} priest and sycophant extraordinary. By way of displaying your
} gratitude, you may now grovel before me.
}
} Og: How Og gro-vel?
}
} Oracle: You tell me how great I am.
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great.
}
} Oracle: Put a bit more effort into it, can't you?
}
} Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great and, um, more great.
}
} Oracle: I can see we're going to have to do a lot of work on this. In
} the meantime, go and exterminate those woodchucks in the dungeon and
} free my stunt double. As for the rest of the day, find something
} menial to do. Oh, and Og, what is that you're holding behind your
} back?
}
} Og: Og not hold no-thing behind back, uh-uh, no sir.
}
} Oracle: Yes you are. Show it to me at once or prepare to face the
} grisly consequences! What! A piece of wood! What have you got that
} for?
}
} Og: No rea-son! Not chuck! No sir, Og not chuck wood, no way Jo-say!
} Wood fall off back lor-ry! Og hold for friend!
}
} Oracle: My god, this conspiracy has penetrated much further than I ever
} realised...
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