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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know how to redo hardwood floors. Help me, please

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't feel a need to hurry, that can often slow down the } process, which of course is the total opposite of your goal. } } Stop and enjoy the moments passed with your hardwood } floor, savor the joy it gave you. If your partner is } hurrying you, they are being insensitive. It takes time } for a floor to get hardwood again, stop, cuddle, sip } some refreshing nonalcoholic beverage and before you } know it the floor will be ready again. } } You owe the Oracle a shellacing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, use your powers to bestow me with an answer to my > question! My fiancee left me and ran away with another man. As she > stated in her final letter, it is because he has a bigger IBM hard > drive, and it's even SCSI. > > What am I to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fear not, O tiny and slightly unpleasant-smelling human, } } While he in fact does have a larger hard drive, he has improperly } terminated the SCSI chain. Even as we speak tiny errors are creeping } into his file system, which will grown worse over time and eventually } lead to a complete system crash. Disgusted, your beloved will return to } you, finally coming to the realization... } } It's not how big it is, it's what you do with it. } } You owe the Oracle some tweezers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, your wisdom is like the sun shining atop a sea of dark storm > clouds full of angered rain and cranky bolts of lighting, your wit > like the foam of a huge wave hurling towards a small boat and an > albatross and a surfacing submarine in desperate need of fresh air > all at the same time. For you are overpowering and strong. > > What would life on a planet with sentient beavers be like? > > Thank you Wise One.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life on a planet with sentient beavers: } } -- Public works (bridges, roads, and esp dams) take maximum priority. } -- Tail-piercings become the fashion statement of disaffected teens. } -- All medical insurance is required by law to cover orthodontia. } -- Polticians aren't speaking metaphorically when they say they've got }    a new plank in their platform. } -- State fairs don't serve "pickle on a stick" or "hot dog on a stick"; }    instead, they start serving "stick." } -- All housing is lakeshore property. } -- The nefarious "woodchuck question" is viewed with bemused }    puzzlement, as everyone knows exactly how much wood a woodchuck would }    chuck. } -- Caber tossing is imported from Earth and becomes the national }    pasttime...with an added twist: competitors must fell their own }    cabers. } -- Flooding is viewed as creating additional housing opportunities. } -- Nobody is impressed by the Hoover Dam. } -- Animal-rights activists regularily protest "apehair hats" and demand }    that haberdashers start using their own pelts to make hats.  This }    suggestion is met with disgust and amusement. } -- Meanwhile, back on Earth, Fox Mulder discovers that the cherry trees }    in Washington, DC were actually cut down by alien tourists wanting }    souveniers.  He never finds enough evidence to prove anything, but }    learns the whole story from a shadowy figure in an overcoat known }    only as "The Buck-Toothed Man." } } You owe the Oracle some wetland property in Canada.  Preferably wide, } flat, forested, and containing a spring-fed stream which is easily } dammed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of the most high note, > > Why are bagpipes so popular when all they sound like is a cat being > squeezed? (and look like it too)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And what is wrong with hugging a kitty?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose foliage is ever-resplendent in shades found created only > for your wonderful self, please tell this lowly supplicant what to > expect on the first day of autumn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the first day of autumn, your boss will give to you: incompetent } stupidity. } } On the second day of autumn, your boss will give to you: two bad } decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the third day of autumn, your boss will give to you: three budget } cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the fourth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: four hours } overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent } stupidity. } } On the fifth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: five downsized } team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions } and incompetent stupidity. } } On the sixth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: six clueless } comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget } cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the seventh day of autumn, your boss will give to you: seven boring } meetings, six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours } overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent } stupidity. } } On the eighth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: eight } presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless comments, five } downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad } decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the ninth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: nine pointless } buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless } comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget } cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the tenth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: ten market } requirements, nine pointless buzzwords, eight presentations, seven } boring meetings, six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four } hours overtime, three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent } stupidity. } } On the eleventh day of autumn, your boss will give to you: eleven } downsized team-mates, ten market requirements, nine pointless } buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings, six clueless } comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, three budget } cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } On the twelfth day of autumn, your boss will give to you: twelve } brain-dead tasks, eleven downsized team-mates, ten market requirements, } nine pointless buzzwords, eight presentations, seven boring meetings, } six clueless comments, five downsized team-mates, four hours overtime, } three budget cuts, two bad decisions and incompetent stupidity. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to enjoy your work.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise and mighty Oracle, whose powers of love connecting make Chuck > Woolery look like a feeble amateur, > > There's this stunning girl, this wonderfully intelligent and charming > female, who seems to have taken to hanging around me occasionally. > > However, these outings are rare, and I'm not sure how much she really > notices that I even exist. > > What can I do to get her attention? > >               Confused

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This depends entirely on how compatible you are. Please fill in the } following questionnaire, awarding points from 1 to 5 to both yourself } and the object of your desire. } } A. AGE }     5 - 13-16 }     4 - 17-25 }     3 - 26-40 }     2 - 41-65 }     1 - 65 or over } } B. SEXUAL ORIENTATION }     5 - Heterosexual }     4 - Bisexual }     3 - Homosexual }     2 - Trappist monk }     1 - Hasn't been taught about sex yet } } C. SPECIES }     5 - Homo sapiens sapiens }     4 - Genus Homo anyway }     3 - Anthropoid ape }     2 - Other (cute & furry) }     1 - Other (slimy) } } D. ACCULTURATION }     5 - Classical music, theater, museums }     4 - Classic rock, cinema, walks in the park }     3 - Heavy metal, bowling, drinking beer }     2 - Rap, street fights, body piercing }     1 - Grunting, drooling, eating bugs } } E. ATTRACTIVENESS - PHYSICAL }     5 - Beautiful }     4 - Pretty }     3 - Plain }     2 - Ugly }     1 - Bill Gates } } F. ATTRACTIVENESS - INTELLECTUAL }     5 - IQ 150 or over }     4 - IQ 120-150 }     3 - IQ 100-120 }     2 - IQ 80-100 }     1 - IQ of banana slug } } G. ATTRACTIVENESS - FINANCIAL }     5 - Bill Gates }     4 - Rich }     3 - Comfortable }     2 - Student (arts subject) }     1 - Student (science subject) } } H. ATTRACTIVENESS - CONVERSATIONAL }     5 - The life and soul of every party }     4 - Can hold an interesting conversation on 2 or 3 subjects }     3 - Deaf mute }     2 - Regular IRC user }     1 - Student (science subject) } } Having added up both your scores, your plan of campaign for getting } noticed should now be based on the difference between them, as } indicated below. } } DIFFERENTIAL } ------------ } 0-7:   You need do nothing; let's face it, you were made for each }        other. Just cough discreetly next time she's around, and she'll }        fall into your arms. } } 8-15:  Strike up a conversation. Take her out to an appropriate venue }        based on her level of acculturation. Tell her how you feel about }        her. Ensure alcohol flows freely. It'll take some effort and }        probably won't last, but it can be done. } } 16-23: [in your favor] It actually gets easier at this point. Hit her }        over the head with a blunt object (or take her to a heavy metal }        concert to achieve the same effect), then drag her by the hair }        to your bedroom bellowing "My woman!" She'll find this }        irresistibly romantic. } }        [in her favor] Stalking should do the trick. She'll loathe you, }        but she'll be in no doubt about your existence. } } 24-32: [in your favor] Change your name, wear a disguise and leave the }        country. Believe me, you'll thank me in time. } }        [in her favor] Well, you could set fire to yourself while }        hang-gliding nude off the Sears Tower singing "Louie Louie" }        through a megaphone until you expire. Okay, it's not the most }        appealing prospect imaginable, but it ought to get her attention }        for a couple of minutes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, could you please tell me a bed time story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One night a good and happy child laid down for their nightly } slumber. However the child had forgotten to say their prayers } which may or may not have had an effect on what happened later. } } As the child drifted off to the lad of Nod they could } hear the crickets outside, the low voices of their parents } (who were obviously saying their prayers by chanting 'oh } god,ohgod,ohohgod' over and over again) and the gentle } whir of the fan on the bookstand above the drowsy child. } } Under the bed the hell-voles were sharpening their knives } by the crimson light cast by their demonic eyes while the } wormspawn worked their way slowly, so slowly upwards through } the mattress... } } Hmm? Now you don't want to hear a bed time story? Fine. } No problem. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of water.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most wise and ancient; > > Does Age, Guile, and Treachery *always* win against > Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut, or just most of the > time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Always. So before we start another game of Twister, pay up what } you owe me so far, Linguini-head.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why does notebook paper have 5 holes drilled in > it, when notebooks only have 3 rings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I went to school, we had but One Ring to bind them all.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I leave? > > Will I regret it? > > What's for dinner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know what, that's 3 questions, and not even a grovel.  I'm feeling } somewhat gracious today, so I'll give you one, count'em ONE, answer. } I'll take the last one: } } <Cheesy Titanic-action music fades in> } Five years ago, Kaga Takeshi, an eccentric Japanese millionare with a } penchant for fine cuisine realized his dream -- Kitchen Stadium! } } He built a dual kitchen, an arena for cooking, then sought out the } greatest chefs of all time, THE IRON CHEFS.  Each an expert in his own } field, this millionare hired IRON CHEF Chinese - Chen Kenichi, IRON } CHEF Japanese - Morimoto Masaharu, IRON CHEF French - Sakai Hiroyuki, } and IRON CHEF Italian - Kobe Masahiko.  Each week, they fight a guest } challenger, a great chef in his or her own right, designing dishes } surrounding a theme ingredient.  This week's challenger and ingredient } will now be introduced by Takeshi-san. } } (Spoken in Japanese with English subtitles) } "If memory serves, American cooking is both bland and unimaginative. } The epitome of this style is found at one chain of restaurant -- } McDonalds.  The spokesman for that chain is the man behind such classic } American dishes as "The Quarter Pounder* with Cheese (*before } cooking)", "The Big Mac", and "The Arch Delux".  Here to take on the } IRON CHEFs is none other than Chef Ronald McDonald" (Big Katakana } characters roughly translating to "Clown Cook" appear) } } "Ronald-san, which chef would you care to go against today" } } "IRON CHEF Chinese - Chin Kenichi" } } "Very well, let's introduce today's theme ingredient" } } Takeshi removes a sheet to reveal a platform, which raises to reveal } the mystery theme ingredient, FLOOR SWEEPINGS. } } The FLOOR SWEEPINGS Battle begins -- 4 clueless Japanese celebrities } with no real claim to any kind of culinary expertise are brought out to } provide comments.  Additionally, a team of expert commentators are } brought out.  The play by play commentator is Fukui Kenji and the color } commentator is Ota Sinichiro. } } One solid hour of fast and furious food preparation then ensues, often } punctuated with the sounds of Ota interrupting Fukui's comments with } statements like: } } "Fukui-san, the challenger is used to this ingredient as it is the most } prevalent thing in his kitchen"  and "Fukui-san, the Iron Chef's pot } contains rice wine, soy sauce, lobster, lima beans and floor } sweepings." } } Finally, the gong sounds and the chefs display their creations for the } judges. } } The challenger, Ronald McDonald, has prepared the following dishes: } } 1) The Quarter Pounder* with Cheese (before cooking) -- This classic } dish features a patty of floor sweeping with a hint of cow meat } arranged on a bun with American cheese, ketchup, mustard, 2 pickles, } and chopped onions. } } 2) A Large Order of Fries -- An accompanying dish to the first one, } this consists of pressed floor sweepings, julienned, and fried in } canola oil, sprinkled with salt. } } 3) A Medium Coke -- To quench the judges thirst, this traditional soft } drink has been poured over a mound of ice made with floor sweepings. } } The judges taste all the food, which is served by the clown, then score } it in their books. } } The IRON CHEF has countered with these creations: } } 1) Dom Perignon Soaked Lobster Egg Rolls with Floor Sweepings Chutney } -- A traditional cantonese appetizer that is sure to please the } traditional palettes of the judges. } } 2) Twice Cooked Floor Sweepings with Steamed Pork Dumplings -- A firey } Szechuan dish which sears the tastebuds with exquisite and unquenchable } heat. } } 3) Moo Goo Floor-sweepings Pan -- A complement to the previous hot } dish, this lightly sauced combination of stir fried vegitables and } floor sweepings. } } 4) Kir Janitorial -- A twist on the standard cocktail, this drink } consists of white wine, framboise, and floor sweepings. } } and finally, 5) Floor Sweepings Glace with Adzuki Beans -- The Iron } Chef's contracts all have a clause that they must always end with an } ungodly desert made from the theme ingredient, and sweetened with } Adzuki beans. } } Judgement -- } } Well it's no surprise that "The Iron Chef" has been picked up by the US } Food Network (Friday and Saturday at 10pm Eastern), because the } challenger has upset the Iron Chef. } ---------- } } You owe the Oracle a Ginzu Hari-Kari knife.