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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> a slime mold

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'M SMALL ODE: } }  An old elm is.  A solid elm. } "So, a mild elm.  Mad elm soil? Dam elm soil!" } Dismal mole. } } I Moslem lad.  Me a old Slim.  Lad Moe Slim. } } A slim model: "Me Siam Doll." (Dame is moll!) } "Laid Moslem?" said me moll. } <Modal smile> "I'm sold male!" } "Load me, Slim!" } } "I sad, me moll.  Me a old Slim.  Me old Islam.  I'm 'a do smell. } Also, me mild.  Is an OLD elm." } "Am Dole, Slim?" } "I small dome.  Aim do smell." } "Dam 'ole Slim!" } } Sam mild Leo.  Sam 'I me doll: } "I'm Sam O'Dell.  I'd same moll!" } As dime moll: "I'll do me Sam!" } Mild Sam: "Ole!!" } (I'll me so mad.  Ammo I'd sell?  I'll slam model!) } } Della is Mom.  Dial Moslem. "Mail seldom?" } (I'll sod me Mom!) } Meal so mild.  Mom slid ale. Ma old smile: } "Emma is doll. Am semi-doll.  Islam Model.  Am side moll?"  Mom sell } aid. } } Mom led Lisa.  I am sold elm! } } Lisa, mold me!!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most astronomically rhetorical, when will the next truly > spectacular comet approach the earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've proposed to the Russians that we shuttle Jerry Lewis up to the } Mir space station, and then induce in the station a slight eccentricity } of orbit sufficient to bring it within the decelerating force of } Earth's atmosphere to coincide with next year's Labor Day weekend. } The Mir cabin would be wired for sound and video, of course, and } the freakish sight of slapstick buffoonery mingled with heartfelt } pleas for "Jerry's Kids" as cabin temperatures approached the } burning point of human flesh would be truly spectacular. } } Hmm? "Comet," not "comic"? } } Well, never mind. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for muscular dystrophy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "What's so funny about Peace, Love, and Understanding?" > > "Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh oooh oooh this is one of those easy questions! Yay! I just went } through about seventy hard, excruciating questions requiring massive } amounts of thought, and finally I get a bit of a break. Relief, } too, since dinner is in half an hour and I don't want to get behind. } Anyway, now for your answer. } } *Ahem*. } } Nothing. Your haircut, on the other hand... } } You owe the Oracle for its services... er... um. Any suggestions?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose 300-mph fastball makes > Nolan Ryan wish to remove his own name from the > Hall of Fame, > > Does anybody really care about this year's home run race?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not really, no. But you can't blame the media for what seems like } a great deal of undue coverage of the McGwire-Sosa race this year. } The record-breaking frenzy last year left a big want in people's } hearts for even more records to be broken, and when you look at } all the records that have the potential of being broken this year, } it really kind of leaves you yawning. } } * Dusty Baker, manager of the San Francisco Giants, is 37 nose } scratches away from breaking the record for Most Nose Scratches During } a Regular Season (held by Tony LaRussa, 1074) } } * Jeff Blauser (SS, Chicago Cubs) is just 7 away from Most Consecutive } Strikeouts Followed Immediately By The Interjection "Shuckety-Dang!!!" } (Roger Maris, 121) } } * The Baltimore Orioles nearly broke the record for Number of Beers } Consumed By Team After Heartbreaking Loss with 174, needing only } two more beers to top the Mets' 17-1 loss to Pittsburgh on Sept. } 12, 1969. If they can keep Albert Belle from filling up on pretzels, } they just might break it before the end of the season. } } * Rick Ankiel, rookie pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, is on pace } to break the Most Major League Game Appearances for Someone Whose } Name Sounds Like a Part of the Leg (Jerry Pinkietoe, 18). } } * Assuming Garth Brooks is recalled to the San Diego Padres' roster } before the end of the season, he could break the record for Most } Major-League Games Played by a Famous Person Who Has No Business } Playing Baseball. This record is currently held by both Martin Lawrence } and Michael J. Fox, both with zero. } } With all this foolishness polluting what everyone was hoping to be } another record-breaking year in the major leagues, it's no wonder } they're fixating on McGwire-Sosa again this year. } } You owe the Oracle a Louisville Slugger and an overpriced cup of } warm beer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a college freshman playing Nethack and a > barracuda swimming by a coral reef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Five thousand dollars of tuition and books. } } You owe the Oracle a Student Loan.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most feared man in the Caribbean. > > Where can I find some \/\/4R3Z?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant 'F' jumped for joy! } } Once again he had gotten yet another answer to his "wares" question. } He quickly printed it out and tacked it on the wall with all the } others. } } Yes! Oh yes! } } He stepped back and looked at them all, the zots, the funny replies, } the blank messages, the curt replies. He saved them all. } } Every wall in his apartment was now covered with them. Soon he'd have } to start taping them to the ceiling. Oh how grand that would be! } } No time to rest though. He had to send in the 'wares' question again } and sit, so quietly, with his lucky hat on and wait for another reply. } } It just didn't get any better than this.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Where will you live next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Due to cutbacks in the Olympian housing budget -- too many bloody } supplicants aren't sending in their tributes, and we don't get as } many offerings these days as we used to (largely because we're too } dignified to become televangelists) -- it looks like I'm going to } have to move in with one of the other deities.  It's a bit hard to } decide whom, though ... } } Deity Roommate  Advantage                  Disadvantage } --------------  -------------------------  ------------------------- } Zeus            BMOC.  Throws a lot of     Has too many girlfriends }                 wild parties.              (and occasional boyfriends). }                                            House gets really noisy }                                            during thunderstorms. } } Apollo          Bright and cheery          Gets up *way* too early. }                 disposition. } } Artemis         Good hunting buddy.        Gets royally pissed if }                 Doesn't mind pets.         you walk in on her in the }                                            bathroom. } } Poseidon        Knows how to make really   House smells of fish. }                 good sushi.  Keeps cute    Monopolizes the bathroom }                 nymphs around.             all day. } } Hephaestus      He's a hacker.             He's a hacker. } } Bacchus         Throws parties even        Bloody fscking alcoholic. }                 wilder than Zeus's. } } As you can see, it's a pretty annoying decision to have to make. } } You owe the Oracle the housing classifieds for Sumeria.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and great Oracle, whose immense span of knowledge I can > only dream of in my puny and worthless existence, > > As you know, I don't drive, but I have been thinking for some time now > of maybe getting myself a motorbike. Is this a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, what if some friend came up to you and said; } } As you know, I don't swim, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe getting myself some scuba gear. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't drink, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe downing a gallon of whiskey. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I'm a wimp, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe going into a biker bar. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe turning some tricks. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't dance, but I have been thinking for some time } now of maybe getting myself on Soul Train. Is this a good idea? } } As you know, I don't know a joke from a hole in the ground, but I } have been thinking for some time now of maybe becoming an incarnation. } Is this a good idea? } } You owe the Oracle a cut further away from the bone. Ow.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most adventurous, you are at once both cagey & lively, > which is why you are so distinguished. > > Should I import arms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but only if you can get them second hand. New ones cost an arm } and a leg, so you'd be paying through the nose. } } You owe the Oracle a hand grenade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm tired. What should i do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rotate every 10,000 miles.