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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is not a question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not an answer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Johnny Oracle, can you tell our viewing audience at home about them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Dan, today's champions are happy campers from Guam, visiting the } mainland US for the first time.  Surrounded by a feast of cheap consumer } goods, they're almost fainting from delight and hot TV lights. } (Applause light on.) } } And this new refrigerator-desk-garage-door-opener (gasps and cries of } "Oooooh!" from the audience) will certainly make their life a long } string of days filled only with luxury and nausea as they return to } their grass huts in that great American Protectorate, where America's } Day Begins.  (Cut to Dan's smiling face as he ritually humiliates one of } the contestants; the crowd goes wild.) } } What a lucky bunch they are, aren't they, Dan!  (Applause light on, } laugh track fade up and out.) } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime pass to Let's Make a Deal and a remote } channel changer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I steal $150.00 from the Government, or am I simply a > self-reproducing piece of logic which spread too fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle discerns from your question that you are either a computer } virus, or an existentialist thief with a bad memory. } } If you are an existentialist thief:  Do not think about it.  Thinking } costs money.  Do not think about how much money it costs to think about } it.  Do not think about the fact that money itself is a piece of logic } in a computer memory. } } If you are a computer virus:  Get away from me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you, sir, may I have another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, ma'am, you've had three already, and I don't rightly know as I can } get it up for another. } } You owe the Oracle a rest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle, tell me it isn't true. > > I've heard rumors that you don't really exist and that there's just this > mail-forwarding account that takes my question and sends it to some > shmoe at WAYOUTWEST.CC.NOWHERE.EDU to answer as he wishes.  This can't > possibly be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} rumores are folse.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Emptyness, alas!  Blankness, nothingness, the Void!  It gnaws at my } poet's soul like a swan gnawing at a great steel girder in the } vastnesses of the wastenesses of the inner city, the emptiness of the } night in the realms without hope!  Nothing it is, nothing at all, } nothing but the sound of my sighing like a barbershop whirling drunkenly } into Chaos, nothing but the dust of my gaze flopping and breaking like } an origami corkscrew dipped in retsina!  Gone, gone, they are all gone, } long gone, gone as long as a sixteen-foot hotdog on a micro-mini bun, } topped with garlic and transistors!  Alas, but I am adrift in space, in } enough fucking space to fill a whole heap of space-heads.  There is no } ground beneath my feet, there are no walls at my hands, there is no } ceiling above my head, there are no pork buns alongside my knees, there } is no drunken elephant carrying a howdah full of piccolos catty-corner } from my spleen, there are no blonde-haired teenage cheerleaders on the } underside of my uvula!  Alas, alas, whoa is me!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does the pickle figure into life?  And why does the pickle figure > into life?  and what about the pickle? > > If you told me this, it would greatly improve my sex life.  Greatly. > Thank you.  I humbly bow down to you and kiss your feet.  And your - are > you male or female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quoth the intrepid adventurer as (s)he knelt at the foot of the great } Oracle.  And the Oracle considered the question for a long while, and } finally spake thus in reply: } } "All life is as to a pickle.  Each of us is, at heart, a pickle, and the } manner of such is personal to you.  Maybe you are a gherkin, wallowing } at the bottom of the Jar of Life like a great whale in an ocean of } vinegar.  Or prehaps an onion, full of the zest of life, sharp and } crisp. }  In all parts of life your chosen pickle will manifest itself, subtly } and yet with power.  Beware the sauerkraut, my child!  for they who } chose the cabbage cannot be but without all morals. }  Your sex life can only be improved by taking the path of the gherkin. } This path is hard, and should be only followed by those who are stout of } heart, like cucumbers, and know themselves to be a true pickle at heart, } with malt vinegar in their veins." } } "Just my feet will do, thankyou, unless you want to make a monetary } donation?  "

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I normal, and everyone else slightly eccentric, or am I a total > raving lunatic ? > > [I suspect the latter, otherwise why would I be sending this question to >  a goddamn lump of silicon and iron, for God's sake ?] > > Your's in anticipation....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yoo-hoo@@@ mister crazy man!!!!  your watch is telling me to go shoot } Fidel Castro!  that means you must be the CIA##### mind games mind } control games are coming out of you%%%%%%%

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you who know all and tell nought, if I plug my nose and keep my mouth > closed when I sneeze, will my head explode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is how Zippy became a Pinhead. } } (have I answered you question yet?)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the oracle having a nice day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the oracle got up this morning, greasy blue stuff was dripping out } of the oracle's eyes.  The oracle's toaster oven was on the fritz, which } was not a problem because the oracle had no bread in the house.  The } eggs were pretty disgusting, though.  The oracle tried to get a bagel, } but the only kind they had were poppyseed bagels to which the oracle is } highly allergic.  The oracle decided to drink some leftover coffee from } yesterday, only it turned out to be leftover from about two weeks ago. } Then the oracle discovered that the oracle had mysteriously gained about } fifteen pounds, and the jeans that were loose yesterday were suddenly to } tight that the oracle was unable to sit down.  Then the oracle got to } work.  Three ogre-like people named "Luigi" showed up at the oracle's } office, asking questions about the money that someone else named "Luigi" } loaned to the oracle two months ago, and kindly offering to perform some } plastic surgery in payment for the oraclly-correct answer.