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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, the air you pass though is smarter than it was before > you touched it, the ground you trod on becomes wiser for your foot's > touch. . .likewise enlighten us mortals please, I beseech you, > > What is in your wastebasket right now at this very second?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Godawful puns and rhetorical questions, } Pathetic complaints about lack of digestions, } Queries that pry into my lover's flings, } These are a few of my thrown away things. } } Neanderthal grammar and brain-damaged grovels, } Tiresome parodies longer than novels, } Marmots and lemurs and jokes about strings, } These are a few of my thrown away things. } } When the queue's full, } When I'd rather sing, } When I'm feeling rash, } I simply go find all of the above things. } And I chuck them in the trash! } } Ripoffs of Python and Douglas N. Adams, } Forwarded spamminngs for HOT SEXY "madams", } MIMEified MIDI attachments that "ding", } These are a few of my thrown away things. } } Merkins who still care why Clinton has cheated, } Programming students who ask for [deleted], } Juno-ers spewing the taglines that clinnnnng, } These are a few of my thrown away thiiiinnnnnnnnngs! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Sound of Hotmail".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't say. } You owe the Oracle the proper definition of the null set.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is most digitally appealing yet non-geeky. > > Who created usenet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Al Gore. } } Al Gore also invented the following: } } * Self slicing bread } * Portable styrofoam hammocks } * Laser guided light bulbs } * Tin foil hat repellent } * Reusable teeth } * 24 hour see-through pads } * Orange Limeade } * The State of Wisconsin } * Brian's Song } * Algebra homework } * Leashes for ill salamanders } * The word "underground" } } You the Oracle a well hugged tree.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magificient, omniscient and wise one... > > I'm trying to do a jigsaw puzzle, but it's not working out very well. > Am I missing some pieces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without a doubt.  But your puzzle is fine. } } You owe the Oracle a 500-piece Caribbean seashore puzzle and a } Margarita.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who can remember all details of all in-joke > characters, including the number of times they have died, and how they > managed to continue on. > > Orrie, I've heard a theory that as the number of in-joke characters in > a humour system increases linearly, the gravitational pull exerted by > these in-joke characters increases exponentially, and eventually will > create such a gravitational pull, that light itself will be unable to > break out, and a 'black hole' will be created. > > How many more in-joke characters concerning the Internet Oracle need to > be created before this situation is reached?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,                  I believe if you look }          carefully,            you will be }               able to        discern }                    the      fact }                      th    at }                       th  is }                        h  a }                        s  a }                        l  r }                         ea }                         dy }                         ha }                         pp }                          e }                          n }                          e }                          d }                          .

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My cat is almost two years old, and he frantically keeps trying to suck > my clothes as if they where his mother's breast. My veterinary told me > a year and a half ago that those simptoms where normal and that they > would stop when the cat reached one year old. Clearly, he was wrong, or > my cat isn't normal. > What can I do to make him stop with that annoying trauma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aww, a cute little kitty story. Well, kitties are very playful } as you well know by now, so the best thing to do whenever it } wants to suckle, is to distract it with something to play with. } } A favorite toy for kitties is a ball of yarn. They will stop } whatever they are doing at the moment to chase one of those all } around the house. You must prepare a special yarn ball for this } particular problem, though. It must not be wrapped too tightly, } so that during play, it will become unrolled and full of loops. } Kitty will especially like this, as the loose yarn adds more } movement and fun to its playtime. } } After about a half-hour or so, the little basta^H^H^H^Hbeast will } be good and tangled in the excess yarn, and you can quickly wind } the ends around and around it neatly until you have a nice coil. } Then, when there's no way for it to escape, you can toss it into } the "in" bin at the nearest knitting factory. } } Remember, there's more than one way to skein a cat. } } You owe the Oracle a catshmire sweater.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, when will Microsoft end its terrible reign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got some Good News and some Bad News. } } The Good News is that it will end its terrible } reign next week. } } The Bad News is that it will then immediately } start its appalling reign. } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey O, where you goin' with that pun in your hand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm goin' down to shoot my old server } I caught it messin' around with another LAN.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Tell me all knowing great one. Is smoking or chewing tobacco > worse for ones body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worse than what? Not smoking or chewing tobacco? Sure. But, in case you } meant to compare it with something else, I've prepared a short list: } } Activity                                        Worse or Better? } ---------------------------------------------   ---------------- } Riding a bicycle............................... Worse } Riding a bicycle in rush hour traffic.......... Better } Having a relationship.......................... Worse } Having a relationship with O.J. Simpson........ Better } Having a cup of hot cider, with a cinnamon }  stick......................................... Worse } Having a cup of hot cider, with arsenic........ Better } Using a letter opener to open your mail........ Worse } Using a letter opener to open your wrists...... Better } Belly-flop off the high dive................... Worse } Belly-flop off the 15th floor.................. Better } Brain surgery.................................. Worse } Brain surgery using your own power tools....... Better } Taunting your girlfriend's poodle.............. Worse } Taunting your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's }  rottweiller................................... Better } Explaining you're gay to your family........... Worse } Explaining you're gay to the Grand Wizard at }  next week's KKK Rally......................... Better } Dumping your anal retentive boyfriend.......... Worse } Dumping your anal-retentive boyfriend after }  he's had a difficult day delivering mail on }  his postal route.............................. Better } Drawing caricatures of people at the State }  Fair.......................................... Worse } Drawing a pentagram on the floor of your }  rent-controlled apartment and reciting what }  appears to be a magic spell that you imagine }  will rid the place of cockroaches............. Better } Drinking milk that's a couple days past the }  expiration date............................... Worse } Drinking milk that's... well, let's just say }  it doesn't *taste* like chocolate milk........ Better } Sitting too close to your computer monitor..... Worse } Sitting too close to Marlon Brando's second }  helping....................................... Better } Dating two women at once....................... Worse } Dating two women at once at the same }  restaurant.................................... Better } Dating two women at once at the same }  restaurant and not tipping the maitre'd }  enough........................................ Priceless } } You owe the Oracle more credit.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I a quiet person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose it's because you're working your way up to serial killer } status. If you went around screaming like a madman, you'd be locked up } too soon. That's why it's always the quiet ones who manage to take out } half the department when they crack.  The noisy ones don't get to stick } around long enough to get their chance. } } You owe the Oracle your entire gun collection.