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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Spanish Inquisition?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >> The Spanish Inquisition? } } <ROLL CREDITS> } } ...today's contestants. Joan, a flight instructor from Boston. Phil, } a clarinet repairman from Dubuque, Iowa. And our returning champion, } the Internet Oracle, who's winnings to date total...um, er, is that } a sideways eight? } } And here's the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek! } } Alex: Hello viewers.  We already know how this is going to go, so } let's get to it so we can all go home and whimper uncontrollably into } our tear-stained pillows.  The categories for the first round are: } THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS; CATS; THE LETTER ODEGRAH; VOGON POETRY; } MORE THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS; SMELLY CHEESE ANAGRAMS; and YET } MORE THINGS ONLY THE ORACLE KNOWS. } } Oracle, as our returning champion, you get control of the board. } Phil, Joan, there are nice crossword puzzle books there for you to } amuse yourselves with while Orrie cleans up. } } ORACLE: I'll take the entire board at 1000, in parallel please, Alex. } } ALEX: Shit. I hate this. My throat is still sore from the last time } you pulled this crap. Do you have any idea... } } ORACLE: OK, maybe I'll just take "ZOTTING THE CANADIAN PRETTYBOY" } for 1000? } } ALEX: Sigh. Here we go: Guvf Rhebcrna Trareny unq na nssnve jvgu uvf } qbt gung erfhygrq va n zvyq Fngnavp ehyr bs Senapr ynfgvat frireny } lrnef. Guvf pbzzba ubhfrubyq qrivpr jnf anzrq nf gur orfg cbffvoyr } fbyhgvba sbe erzbivat natben she sebz lbhe oynpx fjrngref. Jura gur } yrggre bqrtenu vf ercrngrq avargrra gvzrf haqre n shyy zbba, guvf } vf gur anzr bs gur zvabe qrzba jub neevirf. B Cbvagl Oveq, B Cbvagl } Cbvagl Oveq vf npghnyyl ABG bar bs Fgrir Znegva'f gverq wbxrf, ohg } jnf va snpg ol jung Ibtbav? Yvfn'f oernfgyl zrnfherzragf ner bsgra } ersreerq gb va guvf frg bs havgf ol gur Benpyr Urnqdhnegref fgnss } ba bppnfvbaf. Yvzore Eht. Jung'f gur ynzrfg dhrfgvba gur Benpyr unf } unq gb pyrna bhg bs gur dhrhr nyy qnl ybat, qnzzvg? } } ORACLE: Who is Francois Mitterand? What is packing tape wrapped around } a paper towel tube sticky side out? Who is Stinkbomb Sillyputty, } Archduke of Lower Styx? Who is Commander Xqqg? What are "tonguespans?" } What is "Limburger?" And, what is "The Spanish Inquisition?" } } ALEX: Yes, yes, congratulations. Pardon me while I go spit up what } is left of my soft palate after this round. By the way, that Vogon } thing was the Daily Double so now you have twice as.... hell, you } know what you have. } } <CUT TO COMMERCIAL> } } You owe the Oracle Merv Griffin's head on a plate in the form of } a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There has been a lot of news in the papers recently about people > hacking into the USA governemt computers and suchlike from russia. > Aparently lots of confidential but not classified information was > accessed. >  What did the russian hackers get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite a lot really. They obtained personal information, including } hobbies, religion, special diets, age, waistline, and underwear } changing policies for every single man in America. As we speak the } Russian Mail-Order Bride industry is tooling up for the largest } direct mailing promotion in the history of the world. Yes, Russian } computers are currently matching all single women in Russia to find } their perfect love match, and will be mailing an introductory letter } and photograph from a compatible young woman to the US within the week. } } Let's have a look at some of the letters due to be sent. } } > Mr B. Clinton, } > The White House, } > Washington, } > } > Dear Bill, } > } > I am Irini Gaganeva from Vlodistock, Russia. I hear you soon become } > single and think you not want become lonely. Since I was in school I } > have practice trumpet, and now am champion player in my city. I have } > lips so strong I remove wheel nut from tractor using only lip. I hope } > you want write to me. } } Not a bad try if I say so myself. Let's see another. } } > Mr J. Springer } > CRAP-TV Networks } > Hollywood } > California } > } > Dear Jerry, } > } > I am Natalya Muchatrobuleova from Moscow, Russia. I have much hard } > life want to find nice man live nice life. When I born my mother make } > new relationship wolf. Then I find man, find he only like tree, not } > girl.  Then my sister decide, not wear underwear under, wear on top. } > Now my brother live with man on Monday-Friday, live with woman } > Saturday Sunday. I much confuse. Now when I sneeze, feel much urge } > take all clothe off in public place. } > } > I hope you not put off, would like write to me. } } I dunno about you, but I'm investing my money in Trans-Ural Airways. } This looks like a hit. } } You owe The Oracle five yards of rubber tubing, a roll of black } leather rope, three face masks, twelve gallons of whipped cream and } strawberries, and some whips and chains. You should see the letter } that I just received.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lively and light-hearted Oracle, who's soulful way > glimmers in the darkened hearts of many and arrests the > evil done by others before acted out... > > Why do unhappy people hate happy people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACULAR DEVELOPMENT & UNIVERSAL RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT (ORDURE) } ---------------------------------------------------------------- } } RESEARCH REPORT #QRa7HZ_: } Investigation into Antipathy Exhibited by Subjects Experiencing } a Negative Emotional State towards Those Experiencing the Obverse } ----------------------------------------------------------------- } } Date: October 29 1999 } Experimenter: The Internet Oracle } Materials: One Oracular Priest (a.k.a. Subject) } } Experimental Procedure: } Experimenter first carried out a self-assessment using a 5-point } scale graded from 5 "very happy" to 1 "very unhappy". It was } established that Experimenter was "very happy". Subject was then } summoned using the command "Hoi, Zadoc!" Subject arrived promptly, } on his knees and grovelling profusely. } } TRIAL 1 } ------- } Method: Subject was informed he was being summarily dismissed from the } priesthood, in order to induce a negative emotional state. He was then } required to quantify this state using the same 5-point self-assessment } scale as before, prior to ascertaining his feelings of antipathy, if } any, towards Experimenter. } } Result: Subject failed to complete the self-assessment, claiming that } although the bottom had fallen out of his world, it was never possible } to feel unhappy while Experimenter was present in the same room, so his } emotional state was jumbled and not amenable to analysis. Trial was } deemed to have failed. } } TRIAL 2 } ------- } Method: Subject was sent into the next room and required to assess } himself as before. } } Result: Subject called out that Lisa was busy working out to a Jane } Fonda video in this room so, although his life was still terminally } blighted by his ejection from the priesthood, at the same time being } surrounded by these visions in Lycra was as close to heaven as it was } possible to get. Hence he was torn between conflicting emotions. Trial } was deemed to have failed. } } TRIAL 3 } ------- } Method: Subject was sent into the hallway and the trial repeated as } before. } } Result: Subject did not respond to repeated requests to assess himself. } Eventually Subject stuck his head round the door and asked "Have we } started yet?" Experimenter successfully beaned Subject with a vase. } Nevertheless, the trial was deemed to have failed. } } TRIAL 4 } ------- } Method: Subject was allowed to remain in the same room and instructed } to imagine that Experimenter was not himself but someone else telling } Subject he was being summarily dismissed from the priesthood. Then } the trial was to be repeated as before. } } Result: Subject informed Experimenter that even listening to such a } suggestion constituted first degree blasphemy on Subject's part. } Subject then indulged in 48 minutes of abject grovelling. Trial was } deemed to have failed. } } TRIAL 5 } ------- } Method: Subject was informed in no uncertain manner that if he didn't } shut up and start co-operating with the experiment, Experimenter would } personally rip out his tongue and strangle him with it. } } Result: Subject wet himself. Trial was deemed to have failed. } } Discussion: } No further trials were possible, as Experimenter became aware that his } own emotional state was no longer "very happy" but "mega pissed off". } } Note: } The experimental materials were sacrificed at the end of the } experiment. This did Experimenter's mood no end of good.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, who sent me on a mission to find "Delia's Flower" > over a year ago, I've returned finally.  I must say, it has been a most > enlightening search across the universe to find it. > > In topological hell, what do they serve beer in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They serve beer in that weird girlie bar where the women are } always just about to remove their clothes when suddenly -argh- } all the clothes are back on them again, but inside out. You } know the place 'The Moebius Stripper's Bar & Grill'. } } You owe the Oracle an almost complex manifold for his car.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH, WISE ORACLE, WHO KNOWS THE SECRET OF THE MYTHIC "SOAP". > > WHAT ARE THESE LOWER CASE LETTERS I KEEP HEARING ABOUT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lower-case letters are the better-known sub-species of the "codius } readius" group.  Known for their clever habits of collaborating with } intent to communicate, they can be distinguished from their larger } cousins by their smaller size and their tails; some have long, curly } tails whereas others have shorter, stubby tails. } } There are twenty-six different types of lower-case letter, each with } its own distinguishable mating call.  When put together in groups, they } can form, surprisingly, thousands upon thousands of noises.  They } prefer to be kept in groups and, when hunting for food, can form long } trails, known as 'sentences'. } } Lower-case letters have their own kind of parasite, known as "codius } punctuata", that attach themselves to letter groups and groups of } groups. These parasites vary in size and ability, but the most amazing } thing about them is that they have a distinct fear of the Chat Room } environment.  If you ever see codius punctuata on the Chat Room Plains, } you should consider yourself very lucky indeed. } } You owe the Oracle some ,';.#&".;-]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10:30 (New Series) The Best of Seventies Tragedy > > Dick Clark introduces clips of disasters and accidents > from 1970s -- footage now rendered hilarious by the > ridiculous hairstyles, far-out fashions, and dated patterns > of speech exhibited therein.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coming Shows will include: } } * 18 year olds get the vote. You'll be rolling in the aisles }   when the kids get there hands on the ballot for the first time }   and shoo in Nixon by an unprecedented landslide. Watch them }   stammer inane excuses for this self inflicted wound. } } * Despite the unlimited nature of Outer Space the Soviet }   spacecraft Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo 18 manage to collide. }   Slap stick of the highest order. } } * Kent State. A frat prank to end all frat pranks, the jock }   strap raid on the National Guard Armory Laundry room goes }   horribly wrong. A classic example of 'It may start out all }   as good fun, then someone goes and gets an eye poked out.' } } * The Supreme Court rules gender may not be mentioned in }   help-wanted advertisements leading to a decade of embarrassing }   'I Love Lucy' like real-life misadventures across the land. } } * The USA Bicentennial loses millions as tourist fail }   to besiege America for the chance to buy a 'WIN' button. }   Watch Jerry Ford try to forget about it all on a blind }   date with Squeaky Fromme. } } * Mary Tyler Moore escapes the clutches of drunken pal }   Dick van Dyke only at the expense of having to act }   like a befuddled old maid in the homes of America. } } * Newspaper heiress Patty Hearst runs away from home and joins }   up with wacky urban uni-sex scout troop. She quits in a huff }   when she's not invited to the big hot-dog roast in L.A. despite }   her daddy's contribution of millions of dollars worth of food. } } * Bad potato salad kills hundreds at Jones' annual family }   picnic. See the unintentionally hilarious 'O'Spudily, the Safe }   Tater Mole' ad spots run by the FDA to try and restore America's }   confidence in the safety of potatoes. } } * Disco rears it's head. Millions learn of existence of }   John Revolta. Watch in amazement as seemingly bright }   adults struggle to contort themselves into pretzels }   with a back beat. } } You owe the Oracle a return to a quieter time, say 1300 b.c.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored, let's do something different.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay. } } How about if I tell you what you as a species need to know? } } 1) The Republic is a fine form of government. You -were- doing }    well spreading this Roman ideal about your globe. But it }    faces two big threats. } }    a) Democracy. Democracy is lunacy. Democracy is mob }       rule. Democracy leads to demagogues. FEAR democracy. }       Right now you are slipping into mob rule. Fight it. }       Many of your citizens can't even tell a republic from }       a democracy, you need to fix this now. Why are you }       letting everyone vote? Look at that person next to }       you for example. If no one is next to you look in }       a mirror. } }     b) Re-Tribalization. Your world is going back into }        factions and groups, right when you were on the }        verge of thinking as one. The cause ironically was }        an ill-conceived method of trying to end tribalization. }        By making the worse crime against the state the noticing }        that one person was not the same as another you }        highlighted the differences so much it forced everyone }        into a state of thought-crime. One had to notice the }        difference first, but in doing so you had violated the }        law of not noticing. This was not good. The person next }        to you IS different than you. (see point 'a' especially }        the last two sentences. ) } } 2) You need to embrace SOME religion. I do not care which one. }    A flaw in your wetware makes it necessary to believe in }    an outside fixture that knows all, with out it you become }    anxious and confused. Pick one religion and let it flourish. }    I'm available. } } 3) Forget about computers. Biology is IT. Crack DNA's code and }    grow neural networks. Hardware is for rocks. Everyone should }    have a huge slimy vat of grey matter feeding on IV drips }    of quality home-grown blood on their desk by now. } } 4) You ARE evolving. You are evolving in NON biological ways. }    Stop looking for physical evidence. Look at your ideas }    and their extensions. You will never have wings on the }    backs of your bodies, yet you fly better that ostriches. }    A jet's wings are as different from a humming bird's }    wings as your ideas about time are from the motion of }    the moon's idea of time. Think about that. } } 5) Weed out weak practices. Pruning is good. Shear hell. }    Cut it out. Snip, snip, snip!! } } 6) Television is a drug. Use it to keep the masses doped up }    and in line and off line. But do not partake of it your- }    self. Lame is the dealer that samples his wares. } } 7) Information is alive. Words are viruses. Inoculate your- }    self with ideas of masters from the past to keep the }    malicious sickness of idea vandals of today from messing }    with your inner being. One read of 'The Iliad' will }    fight off a lifetime of cowboy music. The collected }    works of Camus will vaccinate you from any known kind }    of automobile commercial. } } 8) Plant some trees damn it! Forget the rain forest. Plant }    the deserts. You can grow plants there if you water them. }    Look at Las Vegas and Israel. You need air, hello! }    Don't make the third world grow the trees, they're too }    hungry to care. Make the first world do it, beside the }    first world is where all the world's dogs live anyway. } } 9) Their is nothing special about a base ten system of numbers. }    Don't get hung up on numbers that end in zero. They mean }    nothing. } } 10) WHY are you reading this one? Re-read number nine above }     over and over until you get it. Sheesh. } } You owe the Oracle a flamingo and a hedgehog.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What must I do in able to get to the right course in the University > I want, so that I can marry a hot women and then make much money? > > [this question was written in one long line -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first you need to learn to use the enter key. } } I know, you may have heard women like lines that rely on auto wrap } and go off the screen's edge for way over 80 characters, but this } is not true. } } It's not the length that counts, but the correct <enter>ing } technique that drives them wild. } } You owe the Oracle a world where vi rules.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a place of eternal darkness. } } Smoke and the smell of charred flesh permeate the nostrils as you } descend into this torrid dark hole. The burning and searing of muscle } and bone is endless, and the sound of it--like the rush of some hellish } waterfall--jars the senses and sets the spine tingling. } } All around there is decay. Hollowed husks of humanity, the lost souls } that heaven forsake and hell has forgotten about, moan their eternal } dirges and sate themselves on the gristle of the poor twisted remains } of the beasts that could not escape their captor's ghoulish clutches. } } All around, the fetid remains of the harvest of the Fields of Rot lay } browning upon sacrificial altars, like effigies to some long-forsaken } god of disease and death. Or perhaps, they are gifts from the same god } to the zombie-like damned that occupy this place and moan to him their } prayers of worship--lest their god become angry and smite them with a } blow from his plague-ridden hand. } } And all around there is thirst and parching heat. And the cries of } "Water!" are enough to make even the deafest of humans cover their ears } in feeble attempt to ward off creeping insanity. But the water is meted } to them torturously slowly, dripped laboriously from pitchers into } their waiting glasses only once every eon, and they drink deeply of it } only to want more. } } Have you guessed it yet? Yep, it's "The Sizzler." } } You owe the Oracle a 22-oz. porterhouse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, >    I am hooking up my USWest DSL, and I need to network two computers > to an Ethernet HUB.  One computer has a 10BaseT EtherNet car and the > other 100BaseT EtherNet card.  I am looking for a HUB that is 10/100. > What do you recommend as far as Manufacturer, quality, price, etc... > Where is the best place to search for this product and to buy it? > > Thank you all great one...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3Com. $196.00. CompUSA. Colonel Mustard. Library. Candlestick.