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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, Who has far too much class to patronize any > eatery frequented by Vikings, please help this humble supplicant in his > hour of need. > > As You know, my roommate is an annoying twit. He never misses any > opportunity to make a Monty Python joke. He has every skit memorized. > He chants "SPAM SPAM SPAM" at the slightest provocation.  He disrupts > history class in a most embarrassing fashion every time the professor > mentions the Spanish Inquisition. > > But don't get me wrong. As You know, I like Monty Python just as much > as the next undersexed geek. But this is too much. It's getting > annoying. I think I'm going to kill him. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You know, supplicant?  I don't think your roommate's constant } parroting of Monty Python skits is the whole story here.  I think the } real problem is that deep in your heart of hearts, you don't really } want to be a student at all.  No, you want to be a LUMBERJACK! } }    So, here, take this axe.  I just sharpened it the other day. } }    Of course, you live in a heavily urbanized area, and there aren't } any trees around for you to chop.  You'll just have to make do, finding } a suitable substitute.  Something treelike.  Tall, perhaps.  A couple } of branch-like appendages, perhaps.  Think you can find anything like } that in your room? } }    You owe the Oracle a dead parrot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle has no seagulls to sandblast.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Zadoc has borrowed that volume of the Oracle Library's } reverse-alphabetic encyclopaedia. The volumes "Zymurgy to } Seahorse" and "Sandbar to Aachen" are still on the shelves. } } Being the all-knowing Oracle, I never need to consult them } myself, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a grovel next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Mr/Mrs Ocacle tell me why you have so many pointless french > lessons in secondary school. Not many people will go to france at > all so it seams unfair that there is so many french lessons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Next time you go into a fancy restaurant and the waiter says something } in French, you'll be happy you learned the language back then. However, } if you haven't picked up on the language, here are a few phrases you } may hear from your French waiter as well as some appropriate responses: } } Waiter: Etes-vous pret a placer votre monsieur de commande? (Are you } ready to place your order sir?) } } You (smugly): Oui, vous smelly Francais. (Yes.) } } Waiter: Monsieur voudrait-il essayer le canard L'Orange? (Would sir } like to try the Duck L'Orange?) } } You (still smug): Je voudrais bourrer un canard vers le haut de votre } ane hybride insufferable. (I would, indeed.) } } Waiter: Vous inquieteriez-vous pour voir le vin enumerez-vous? (Would } you care to see the wine list?) } } You (practically oozing smugness): Vous voulez dire votre swill } francais aqueux? Avez-vous un Bud Lite? (I'll take a glass of the house } wine.) } } Waiter: Votre commande arrivera sous peu. (Your order will arrive } shortly.) } } You (visibily oozing something, presumably smugness, possibly pus): Lui } mieux vous excuse odiforous pour un etre humain, ou moi sera sur votre } ane comme a housefly sur l'excrement. (Thank you.) } } Your Oracle hopes this has helped. Be sure to leave a big tip. } } You owe the Oracle a free meal at Pierre's Burger Barn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is this rain so *wet*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're a little confused.  It's not that this rain is particularly } wet.  Since rain is essentially water, it would be impossible for it } to get any more wet (with the possible exception of rain made of heavy } water). } } No, the effects you're experiencing come from that fact that you're } transforming into a sponge. } } There are five stages you will go through on your way to spongedom, } and I'd like to take this opportunity to prepare you for them. } }     Denial        This is the stage you are currently in.  You come up }                   with silly reasons to explain your increasing }                   ability to absorb wet matter (e.g., the rain must be }                   particularly wet). } }     Anger         Your fury will cause you to lose control.  You may }                   suddenly find a puddle of wetness around your feet. }                   To avoid embarrassment and the dangers associated }                   with electrical arcing, consider wearing an adult }                   incontinence product throughout this stage.  You }                   will lose your dry wit. } }     Bargaining    As a supplicant, you are well-prepared for this }                   stage.  You will methodically move down your list of }                   divinities and try to coax each into relieving you }                   of your fate.  Most typical offers: cleaning Ares' }                   sword to a mirrored shine, taking care of Bacchus' }                   spills, giving Aphrodite a non-immersion bath. } }     Depression    You will mope/mop/sop around for hours on end.  Your }                   exterior cavities will well up with a salty wetness. }                   Sentience slowly turns to sedation, personal hygene }                   to external hygene. } }     Acceptance    Metaphorically, you will accept your fate and start }                   enjoying the process of being a sponge (having lost }                   most of your IQ, this was inevitable).  On a more }                   literal note, you will accept moisture without }                   reticence. } } Stop wringing yourself over this turn of events.  Stay focused on the } life of bounty that awaits you.  All will be swell; I promise. } } You owe the Oracle a cake made without shortening.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's it like???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The position is ridiculous, the sound effects are revolting, and the } smells produced are rather unsavoury. But at least you can watch the } television from this position. } } You owe The Oracle a ceiling-mounted flatscreen TV.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most romantically creative Oracle, please tell me: > > Recently, two supermarket chains, Lucky and Albertson's, announced that > they are "getting married."  Now, what do supermarkets do on their > wedding nights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Things Supermarkets do on their Wedding Nights } } 10) Clean up on aisle 69 } 09) Scan each other's bar codes by hand } 08) Ask for a price check on the extra large salami } 07) Squeeze the Charmin' } 06) Make change really slowly in front of each other } 05) Use neither paper nor plastic } 04) Keep checking to see how ripe the melons are } 03) Accept deliveries in the rear } 02) Two words: French Dressing } } and the Number one thing Supermarkets do on their Wedding Nights; } } 01) Use up all those coupons to get Double Off } } You owe the Oracle a cart with a squeaky, wobbly wheel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .... --- .-- > -- ..- -.-. .... > .-- --- --- -.. > -.-. --- ..- .-.. -.. > .- > .-- --- --- -.. -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.- > -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.- --..-- > .. ..-. > .- > .-- --- --- -.. -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.- > .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. > -.-. .... ..- -.-. -.- > .-- --- --- -.. > > [Priest note: I recommend the following site - >  http://www.soton.ac.uk/~scp93ch/refer/morseform.html]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --- .-. .-. .. . .-.. ..- ...- ... .-.. .. ... .- } } Top Ten Answers to the Forbidden Question in Morse Code } } --- .-. .-. .. . .-.. ..- ...- ... .-.. .. ... .- } } 10) --.. --- - } } 09) Damn W..dch..cks have gnawed their way into the T1! } } 08) You really ought look into a modem Mr. Morse, times } they be a changing. } } 07) On Dasher, on Daughter ... no, wait that doesn't sound right. } } 06) This telegraph just in from Dodge City Marshall, seems. } them reports of the rodent uprising were true after all. } } 05) And I thought questions in MIME looked dated... } } 04) Damn fools on the Titanic keep sending us this same } silly message over and over again. } } 03) I think I've figure who's been chucking the Queen's telegraph } poles around Dr. Watson. } } 02) At least it's not another question in botched perl. } } 01) You know Steve, I don't think this new ASCII bar graph } representation of the votes is really going to catch on. } } } You owe the Oracle .- -.. .- ... .... -... --- .- .-. -..

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who can save you now, my deary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} C-x C-w deary.txt } } You owe the Oracle a re-read of the manual.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Does Rudolph the Red know reindeer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many things can be said of Rudolph the Red, Terror of the North Sea. } Rudolph the Red knew pillaging, raping, and burning. Rudolph the } Red knew to pillage and rape BEFORE he burned. Rudolph the Red } knew crushing his enemies, driving them before him, and hearing } the lamentations of their women.  Rudolph the Red knew long boats. } Rudolph the Red knew the tactics to use against a Roman legion, } and the tactics to use against a large number of armed, confused, } and poorly organized villagers. } } Rudolph the Red knew heavy fighting. Rudolph the Red knew the } long-sword, the battle-axe, the spear, and even the large rock. } Rudolph the Red did *not* know the bow and arrow, which led to that } unfortunate incident with the Franks.  Afterwards, Rudolph the Red } knew how to compensate in battle for a lack of depth perception. } } Rudolph the Red knew chest wounds, head wounds, leg wounds, shoulder } wounds, concussions, groin injuries, third degree burns, gangrene, } pneumonia, head aches, back aches, pulled tendons, detached ligaments, } broken ribs, dislocated shoulders, broken noses and blood. Boy, was } he familiar with blood.  You do know he was blond, right? Rudolph the } Red did not know anesthetics. } } Rudolph the Red did *not* know personal hygiene. } } Rudolph the Red knew women. Rudolph the Red knew girls. Rudolph the } Red knew boys. Rudolph the Red knew ale. And on one occaision, after } a great deal of ale and on a particularly cold night, Rudolph the } Red knew a goat. } } But Rudolph the Red did *not* know reindeer. They could smell him } coming. } } You owe the Oracle a flagon of ale, a flank of burnt pig, and some } industrial strength "Right Guard".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and most holy Oracle, >       Whose barbecuing ingneuity is so vast and splendid that the Big > Bang could have sprung from the coals of your grille, >       Why is it that hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns > come in packages of eight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is another one of those problems in life which originally appear } very strange in real life, but which are simple to understand if you } produce a Bayesian Logic analysis of the situation. } } You see, instead of viewing the number of hot dogs in a pack as an } exact number, we need to calculate the Expected Value of these hot dogs } making their way into a bun. Several events can prevent this occuring, } and therefore the value of the probability p(hot dog eaten) is not the } same as the probability p(hot dog bought). This problem of the actual } probability being different from the probability that the variable } is observed, or bought in this case is common in Bayesian Logic. } } To cut a short story long, we must consider several other propositions } which have logical dependencies with p(hot dog eaten), namely the } events where the hot dog has gone off (OFF); where the hot dog burns } on the barbeque (BURNS), and where the hot dog is dropped because the } cook attempts to pick up a sizzling sausage in his or her bare fingers } (DROPPED). } } We now create a table of probabilities representing all possible cases. } } P(EATEN,BURNS,DROPPED,OFF) = }   P(EATEN|BURNS,DROPPED,OFF).P(BURNS|DROPPED,OFF).P(DROPPED|OFF).P(OFF) } } Fortunately we can simplify this equation by taking advantage of } several logical independecies between these variables. } } EATEN is marginally independent of BURNS, but conditionally dependent } given DROPPED. } } BURNS is marginally dependent on OFF, but conditionally dependent } given DROPPED. } } DROPPED and OFF are mutually exclusive propositions. } } This gives us the following equation: } } P(EATEN,BURNS,DROPPED,OFF) = }   P(EATEN|DROPPED,OFF).P(BURNS|OFF).P(DROPPED|OFF).P(OFF). } } Filling in our table with the following elicited probabilities: } }       p(eaten|~dropped,~off) = 1.0 }       p(eaten|dropped,~off) = 0.2 }       p(eaten|~dropped,off) = 0.07 }       p(eaten|dropped,off) = 0.001 } }       p(burns|off) = 0 }       p(burns|~off) = 0.3 } }       p(dropped|off) = 0 }       p(dropped|~off) = 0.3 } }       p(off) = 0.2 } } We find the following result. The probability that the hot dog } actually makes its way from the packet to the bun is about 0.58. } Therefore, if we require 8 eaten hot dogs, we need 8/0.58 = 13.793 } hot dogs in the original pack. } } The reason, therefore, that hot dogs come in packs of ten while hot } dog buns come in packs of eight is because the hot dog manufactures } are a bunch of mathematical nincompoops who wouldn't know the Yoram } Singer Sequential Update of Bayesian Networks Structure algorithm if } it came up to them and punched them on the nose. } } You owe The Oracle some vegetarian hot dogs and buns. Equal numbers } please, I *am* The Oracle.