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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Letting the ZOTs go by > Letting the woodchucks hold me > Letting the ZOTs go by > Woodchucks flowing under > Into the queue again > After the digest's forgotten > Once in a tellme > Woodchucks flowing under

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And you may askme yourself } How do I answer this? } And you may askme yourself } Where is that witty answer? } And you may tellme yourself } This is not a digestible answer! } And you may tellme yourself } This is not my stunning insight! } Letting the questions go by/let the drainers suck me down } Letting the queue go by/coffee flowing over grounds } Into the queue again/after the answers done } Once in a lifetime/I get a funny one } } Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was... } Queued Up as it ever was...Queued Up as it ever was... } Queued Up as it ever was... } } Questions are hilarious and answers are straight } Questions are timely and answers are late } Questions all come from you know who } Questions don't ask what I want them to } Questions just twist words around } Questions are asking turned inside out } Questions are included in The Best Of's and } Questions of nothing I get too often } Questions don't strain or cause a blur } Questions go out and come back in } Questions are written all over the place } Questions continue to be written by a million apes } } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing... } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing... } I'm still queuing...I'm still queuing..---------------------. } } You owe the Oracle The King's Lead Hat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose front lawn is always up to "Better Homes and > Gardens" standards, please hear our plea. > > Our boss passed away last year and we've been out of work ever since. > Is there a place in the world for three, out-of-work hand puppets? > > Sincerely, > Lambchop, Hushpuppy and Charlie Horse

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be strong; think of your less fortunate bretheren, like poor Pedro } Wences. Nobody even asks if's OK anymore. And being, as he is, a head } in a closed box, you can imagine that his answer would not be 's all } right. } } You owe The Oracle a current address for Wilkins & Wontkins.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear merciful and compassionate Oracle, > > Every now and then, when I'm feeling bored or depressed, I do a few > tellmes.  But sometimes I send in a few lame questions.  Real stinkers > that I'd hate to have to answer myself.  So then I feel guilty for days > on end for having jammed the queue full of such tripe.  I need to end > this nasty habit.  Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Below is an overview of types of questions listed from }  most annoying to least annoying. Most annoying is at the top. }  The further you go down the list the less annoying it is... }  Try and ask questions of the type further down the list. } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ annoying section ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } }  The W-dc-k question }  Crossover questions }  Disguised W-dc-k questions }     * the three above are trite formula questions, kind of a fill }       in the blank mentality, no creativity needed } }  Questions involving any television shows }     * TV is so sad, yet it is embarrassing to see how many supplicants }       seem to know more about "Friends" than politics } }  My KEYbRds NoTWRKING jokes/question in rot-13 }     * overdone } }  Steve Wright's work passed off as a question. }     * Steve Wright is -funny-, but use your own work please. } }  Foul language, inappropriate sexual/scat "jokes" } }  The actual question "What is the meaning of life?" } }  Zen koans (sound of one hand/tree in forest) and "joke" koans. } }  Complaints about incarnations/Oracle in general }     * How this is supposed to help is lost on me } }  Purely rhod-centric in-jokes }     * many of these seem like people wanting to be "known" as }       someone mentioned in a digest } }  Bill Gates bashing }     * Bill Gates sux, Windows sux, we all agree. But these }       questions are like shooting fish in a barrel for a }       crowd that wants it done and has seen it before, OLD HAT. } }  Questions about the staff, (Lisa Og et al) or long involved }  scenarios about the staff as though this was a sitcom. }     * Some of these are written very, very well, but it wanders }       from the Oracle's purpose. Lisa and Og and Zadoc are just }       foils to be used when someone is needed for a conversation. } }  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[ above this line is annoying ]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ } }                      entering the hazy gray area } } _________________[ below this line is not annoying]_______________ } }  Help! I'm in this weird situation Questions }     * yes, they are formula questions, BUT they are asking a question }       and they are rarely boring, but this is borderline } }  Questions involving the number 42, or other versions of Life, }  the Universe, and Everything }     * the Oracle can not deny this crowd is his audience } }   Lyrics to songs }     * some song questions are really, really bad, some are brilliant } }   Questions with mangled grammar }     * this is USENET, spelling errors happen, as does sloppy }       grammar, but some questions should come with a decoder }       ring } }   Questions about the current politics (anywhere) }     * The -only- reason this isn't in the good question section }       is that around the times of US Presidential contests the }       political questions get so heated and partisan and frequent }       it leaves a bad taste for months... Sigh, so right now I }       could care less about political questions, but ask me around }       a big election AND GRRRR!!! } } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ }            *--- now entering the GOOD question realm ----* } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } }   Science Questions }      * Hey, this is the future, we're talking on computers! }        Let's show we aren't Og here can we } }   Computer Questions (-except- for Bill Gates bashing drivel) } }   Questions about any book } }   Questions about real life problems }      * NOW we've got to why there -is- an Oracle, this is the job }        team, yes lots is puppy-love stuff, but that is important }        to the sad little things } }   Questions you'd ask a real-life Oracle if you had a chance }   (as yourself or as a character from a book or from a }    well-known real life person) }      * Come on, if you could have any question in the world answered }        would you ask a deity about TV or w..dch..ks?? } }   ORIGINAL questions The Oracle has never seen before! }      * BINGO, first prize, stun me! } } You owe the Oracle ten questions.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (Here's hoping one of the funnier incarnations finds this, > and that the priest who gets it actually has a clue about > what's funny.) > > What, me worry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're MAD, MAD I tell you. } } You owe the Oracle a bucket full of freckles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dearest allknowing, > >      What's next after the Y2K-bug Hoax ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look for these hoaxes in the near future: } } The Ty2K Hoax--Where the Ty company will not actually stop making } Beanie Babies but, in fact, double production and flood the market. } } The Y3M Hoax--The 3M company will announce a new miracle substance } known internally as SPC-28P. They will claim it will cure everything } from measles to AIDs. Alas! It all turns out to be an April Fools joke. } } The Y3D Hoax--Wherein it is revealed that the world only appears to } be three-diminsional. Turns out that depth was only ever a theory } and never proven. In June, it is revealed that depth is simply an } optical illusion. } } The Y2B Hoax--The Artist Formerly Known As Prince is revealed to be } a hologram produced by light hitting the exhaust smoke from an AMC } Pacer a certain way. } } The U2 Hoax--As it turns out, Bono's real name is Craig, and he's } from Boise, ID. } } The FUK Hoax--A rumor started by two teenagers in Manchester that, } on July 4th, 2000, a small group of arsonists would set all the } historical buildings in London aflame. All they really wanted was to } get their local newscasters to say F-U-K on the air. } } The Y-OK Hoax--Wherein Americans are lulled into a false sense of } security after the clock strikes midnight on January 1st and all } their computers are still operating normally. } } You owe the Oracle a system backup.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is lambda calculus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's that hot latin Calculus, forbidden in most centers of higher } learning because it often leads to excessive curve fitting and } oscillation.  Its re-discovery in the late 80s led to the production of } several worthless texts, including Lambda: The Prohibited Calculus, and } Lambda II: Dirty Derivative. } } You owe the Oracle a tangent line dance.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you are my only hope! > > My turtle is looking very scuffed up these days, but I'm not sure which > kind of turtle wax I should use to polish up her shell. How can I > decide which one to use? > > --Buffy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be using linseed oil, rather than wax. That way the ball } will leave the turtle in a more unpredictable direction. Not only will } your innings last longer, but the turtle will have fewer scratches to } boot. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Indies prefer using bats } to turtles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, most fluid in thought and dance, > > Did people dance before the discovery of alcohol?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes... but not very well. } } You see, mortals require some degree of alcohol in order to get silly } enough to actually dance. I don't know if you've ever sat on a couch } during a party and watched other people dance during a party, but if } you haven't, you really ought to. Observed objectively, it's one of } the silliest sights in the world. Next to sex, of course. } } Which, come to think of it... } } Well, let's review some of the great dances in human history: } } OG DRINK FERMENTED BERRIES, HIT OGWA ON HEAD WITH BIG STICK I know, } I know, it's a standard cartoon caricture, but, oddly enough, it *was* } the first dance in human history. Admittedly, a very short dance, } but it had quite a beat. (Sorry...) } } DRINK HONEY-LEFT-IN-POT-FOR-A-MOON, THEN DANCE AROUND BIG FIRE AND } HAVE SEX A big hit during the Paleolithic. Fairly simple, as dances } go, but it had, er, rhythm. } } DRINK BEER, DRESS UP LIKE LARGE BULLS AND HAVE SEX There's a theme } here, you see. Obviously, the guys in the the temple of Ur decided } that they had a good thing going. "Look, Pongo," said Smythe-St. } John, "I have a *brilliant* idea! Let's all dress up like whacking big } cattle with big, well, you know... the gels will absolutely love it. } They haven't been out in *weeks*, you know..." } } Well, you get the idea... } } Look, my ISP is about to kick me off, so you'll yave to look up the } next 7,000 years of alcohol/dance/sex. } } You owe the Oracle a quart of Wild Turkey, no clothes and a slow dance.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-seeing Oracle, > > If you're really omniscient tell me what I'm thinking about right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're thinking about that girl who... no, wait, you're thinking } about the time that... no, wait, you're thinking about what you'd } like to... no, wait, you're thinking about your sister's... no, wait, } you're thinking about who should... no, wait, you're thinking about } whether... no, wait... } } Oh, for crying out loud, if you're going to ask questions like that, } would you be so kind as to lay off the caffeine first. } } You owe the Oracle a half hour of meditation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are there any separate thoughts or are they all part of a whole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is it really an either-or question, supplicant?  Surely grains of sand } are discrete and finite, yet when taken as a whole, you have a beach, a } singular object, which is composed of a plurality of singular objects. } From the many comes the one.  From a multiplicity of individuals } comes a singularity of a multitude.  As it is with sand, so it is } with people.  Each is singular and complete, yet as a community, } they are one.  A large group of people, with the intellect of one. } This is the secret behing the popularity of the Backstreet Boys. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on why groupthink is a bad thing.