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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Capital & Rational are ye, > > Has our beloved queen gone mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle, I am have access to medical records that would otherwise } be private. According  to everything I've read of recent analysis } performed, RuPaul is more well adjusted than he's been in a decade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the world ends will the gods stand up and clap? boo soundly? or > sit quietly as the credits roll by so they can see who played Person > #345,490,293,094 in that one scene they liked so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the end, there will be few gods left in the theatre.  Odin, Thor, } Loki and the other Norse deities will be tossed out for drunken } hijinks, throwing around popcorn and thunderbolts.  Zeus and Hera will } quarrel over the portrayal of some of his lesser-known indiscretions, } and eventually the whole Greek section will storm out in a huff. } Mithra, Baal and assorted fertility gods will trickle out after the } first act or so, claiming the show has ceased to hold their interest, } and will head across the cineplex for another showing of "Debbie Does } Dallas."  Allah will be a no-show, since doing so would negate the idea } that there is no god but himself. } } In fact, by the end there will be but three Personages left in the } room.  As the credits roll, they will be heard to remark through smiles } and tears, "Beautiful.  Beautiful and terrible.  Let's see it again." } } You owe the Oracle a top-notch performance, since you only get one } take.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gromit!  It's the wrong trousers, Gromit!  Stop them! > Groooommmmiiiittttt!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  This is what you get for learning Windows instead of Linux.  You'd } know how to stop those penguin-controlled mechanical trousers then. } } Don't worry, though.  Your dog has a master's degree in "real" computer } science (1) and is working on his doctorate.  I'm certain he knows the } right commands and can stop you.  If he can catch you. } } You owe the Oracle a nice, trendy pair of khakis. } } (1) See the slashdot.org interview of Steve Wozniak.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and majestic Oracle, who has the most > incorrigible^H^H^H^H^H^H^H uptable priesthood or any oracle ever, > please fulfil my humble request. > > Your priest, Paul L. Kelly, has recently stated publicly that he > will digest anything funny which relates to his frog, or to his dear > departed Siamese fighting fish of reddish hue.  Could you please make > sure that this oracularity is sent to him so that he will digest it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Hey, Paul, here is one for you to digest! } } PAUL: Hey, thanks! <Chomp> <Chew> <Chew> <Gulp> I can feel it starting } to digest already! } } You owe the Oracle some Pepto-Bismal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who knows right from wrong, in from out, Ben from Jerry. Who can } run the 5 second quarter-mile, competes (and wins) every Iron Deity } Competition, and who can bench Atlas *and* his burden. Who freely } shares his wisdom, his time, and has personally purchased 20% of the } over 10 billion served to feed the 80 youth soccer teams he coaches. } Who gives of his time to lowly supplicants, who defends the universe } from w**dc**ks, who knows why the "H" in w**dc**k is starred out, } even tho' it's not a vowel, and who scathingly chastises mankind } while doling out helpful information. Who runs his web site on } a Commodore. Who dances the funky chicken, and makes it look cool. } Who is older and better looking than Dick Clark. Who can sing all } the parts of "Rigoletto" in key. Who is, milligram for milligram, } the coolest immortal in existence. I, a lowly supplicant, fall before } you, prostrate in my insignificance. I dare not trouble you with } yet another question. I only ask that you accept my reverence as an } acceptable penance. I am a worm. I am the dregs. I am John Elway's } gym socks. I am King Kong Bundy's boxer stains. I am dry Ovaltine } whilst thou art a triple-layer German Dark Forest cake. You know, } I apologize for even wasting your time with this grovel.  Forgive me. } } You owe the Oracle the above in triplicate.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Auspicious Oracle, > > How will I know when she's done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well - } } You won't. That's basically the flaw in your theory. See, I'll let you } in on a little secret about women, and this one in particular. (Shup } up. I'm omniscient, I know their secrets too.) } } See, not only is she aware of your desire to know when she's done, she } set up your computer to forward all of your outgoing mail to her } account, which is protected with more encryption than you'd probably } imagine. She's going to get this response from me, as well, and suppose } I said: } } "She'll be done in fifteen minutes, you can set the egg-timer." } } I can guarantee you that fifteen minutes from now, no matter what else } is going on, she WILL NOT be done. } } Never, ever, try to outthink a woman. It just doesn't work. Let that be } your answer. } } (Aside) Is that answer okay with you, Lisa? Oh, good. Wait, what do you } mean you changed your mind? } } You don't have to send me anything, this time. Just buy a copy of Men } Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and consult it before you feel the } need to ask any more questions. See - I already own it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will i ever find a man, will i ever be able to trust someone > what type of man will come into my life, how will he look

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Apologies to the Andrews Sisters) } } Mister Orrie, bring me a date } I've gotten a little desperate of late } Give him two lips, two eyes and a nose, yeah } My lonely days and nights are over } } Orrie, I'm so alone. } I'm calling up sex chat on my telephone } Please turn on your zotting beam } Mister Orrie catch me a dream. } } Mister Orrie, bring me a dream. } One who won't see me and run away screaming } He can't be concerned if I look like Grover } And tell him that his lonesome nights are over. } } Mister Orrie, bring me a date. } Give him a pair of eyes, and if they match that's great } Give him a lonely heart like Sgt. Pepper, } And if he's got hair that'd be even better } } Mister Orrie, someone to hold, } Would be so peachy after I've been parolled } So please turn on your zotting beam. } Mister Orrie catch me, Please, please, please } Mister Orrie bag me a dream.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > GROVEL > > Done. > > > VERSION > > The Neanderthal Oracle: An Interactive Survival > Version Few / Serial Number Many Many > > > LOOK > > You are in a cave. > Og is here, knawing at some mammoth bones. > Ogwa is here, yelling and making body signs. > > > LOOK AT OGWA > > Ogwa seems to be pointing deeper in the cave. > > > IN > > You are in a deeper section of the cave. > There is a bear here. > > > INVENTORY > > You have: > > An axe > The skull of a Cro-Magnon > > > ATTACK BEAR WITH AXE > > After a long struggle, the bear is defeated. > > You leave the deeper regions of the cave. > > You are in a cave. > Og is here, knawing at some mammoth bones. > Ogwa is here, yelling at Og. > > > ASK OG ABOUT BEAR > > "Og not strong to hurt bear, Og run." > > > ASK OG ABOUT OGWA > > Og says something unrepeatable. > > Thag arrives. > ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >ATTACK THAG WITH AXE } } Thag easily dodges your clumsy strike. Thag is fumbling in his pockets. } } >THRW AXE } } I do not understand thrw. } } >THROW AXE. } } At what do you wish to throw the axe? } } >THAG } } To your great surprise Thag catches the axe in mid-air, despite having } one hand still deep in his pockets. } } >EXAMINE ALL } } Og: Og has stopped eating the bones and is looking on in amazement. } Ogwa: Owga has stopped shouting at Og and is looking on in amazement. } Darkness: Lots of small pairs of eyes have appeared in the depths of } the cave and are all looking on in amazement.  Thag: Thag is carrying } an axe and a bag. He is funbling in his pockets. } } >EXAMINE BAG } } The bag is slung over Thags back. It looks very ull and seems to } contain some large bulky objects. It is closed. } } >OPEN BAG } } You cannot get close enough to open the bag. } } >EXAMINE AXE } } The axe is a double headed war axe. Its blades are stained with } the blood of a bear. It smells bad. You are glad you are no longer } carrying the axe. } } Thag begins to swing the axe around his head. He strikes out at the } cave wall and huge sparks fly from the blade, immediately cauterizing } the blood of the bear. He seems to posses great stength. } } >ZOT THAG } } You cannot ZOT Thag. ZOTs are reserved for Woodchucks. } } >RUN } } Where do you wish to run? } } >IN } } You run deeper into the cave. The darkness peels away from you since } you have been eating your carrots regularly. } } >LOOK } } You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike. } } >N } } You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike. } } >N } } You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike. } } >E } } You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike. There is a } rock outcropping above you. } } >EXAMINE OUTCROPPING } } The ledge protrudes a short way from the wall of the cave. You can } hear the sounds of someone following you. } } >CLIMB ONTO OUTCROPPING } } You heave yourself up onto the ledge above. Your heavy breath echos } around the caverns. you have been eating too well in the Oracular } temple lately.... } } You hear the sound of someone approaching. } } >WAIT } } Done. } } Thag comes around the corner. He is still swinging the axe. He is } standing directly below you. } } >EXAMINE CEILING } } The roof of the cavern is very rough and covered with stalectites. } Thag leaves to the North. } } >DROP SKULL } } You drop the skull of the Cro-Magnon onto the cavern floor. The sound } echos around the caverns. The Cro-Magnon has NOT been eating well at } the Oracular Temple. } } >WAIT } } Done. } } Thag enters from the North. He crouches by the skull. } } >PERFORM A NIMBLE HANDSTAND AND WEDGE FEET AGAINST THE STALECTITES } >HANGING FROM THE CEILING. } } Done. } } >GRIP THE LARGEST STALECTITE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, HANG DOWN OVER THAG } >AND OPEN BAG. } } Done. } } >EXAMINE BAG } } The bag contains a large quantity of wooden logs. The bag is rather } threadbare. You can now see that it has worn through in a few places. } Course brown hair is poking through the holes in Thags robe. } } Thag has finally removed his hand from his pocket. He pulls out a } small twig and proceeds to eat it. You notice Thags front two teeth } seem strangely elongated. } } >DROP ONTO THAG. } } You release the stalectite and fall onto the surprised Thag. } } >GRAB AXE FROM THAG. } } You wrestle Thag for the axe. You finally manage to wrench it from } his grasp. } } >ATTACK THAG WITH AXE. } } Thag dodges your thrust. } } >THROW AXE AT 45 DEGREES TO THE VERTICLE ROTATING AT A SPEED OF 3 } >REVOLUTIONS PER SECOND. } } Your throw causes the axe to arc towards Thags Bag. It severs the } strap and empties the wood all over the floor. } } "My WOOD!!" Cries Thag. } } You notice a small tail poking out of the bottom of Thags robe as he } bends down to pick up the wood. } } >ZOT WOODCHUCK. } } The woodchucks disguise now laid to waste yu have no problems with } ZOTing the image of Thag you see before you. } } The Woodchuck cries out in pain as it is removed from history. } } A mist forms....... } } A Voice is says...  "Oh mighty Oracle. You have ridden this realm } from the Woodchuck threat. Thanks very much. Cheerio then." } } You have completed this Oracle adventure. You have a score of 368 } out of a possible 400. } } You owe the Oracle a new Infocom adventure.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who knows the Last Truly Original Joke, > > Could you please tell me three jokes? One that was funny six years ago, > but not funny now; one that's funny now, but wasn't six years ago, and > won't be six years from now; and one that will be funny six years from > now, but not right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you came to the right place! } } Yup, I've seen the light. Supplicants no longer want knowledge } or insights. They want jokes. And joke you will get. } } Here's five sideslappers! } } Joke #1: } }  Boy supplicant: Do you sleep on your stomach? } Girl supplicant: No. }  Boy supplicant: Can I? } } Joke #2 } } A supplicant recently had carpal tunnel surgery on his hand, } and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to } use a Juno free email account. } The doctor replied, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not } giving you a lobotomy." } } Joke #3 } } Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party for Kendai? } A cake jumped out of a girl. } } Joke #4 } } Two of my finer priests had been out drinking. They were coming back } to the Oracle Temple at 7:30 am, a bit past curfew. They were both } still rather blitzed. } } Outside the temple the usual line of supplicants had already formed. } The road clogged with pilgrims making their way to ask a question of } yours truly, The Internet Oracle. } } "Blankety blank supplicants!" bellowed the driver as he leaned on the } horn. "Get outta our way! We're priests damn it!" } } The suppliants leapt this way and that. The priests' car swerving } in and out of the supplicants as they jumped to one side or the other. } } Just then there was a sickening THUMP. } } The driving priest looks in his rear view to see a supplicant laying } in the road. } } "Whoa! I thought I missed him!" } } "You did," said the other priest, "but I was able to wing him with }  my door." } } Joke #5 } } Q: Why does Lisa always confuse Halloween and Christmas? } A: Because DEC 25 == OCT 31 } } Thank you, thank you, you're too kind!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is an "anti-clue"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The more you follow it, even pay it any attention at all, the further } you get from your answer.  This answer's anti-clue is elephants.