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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, how was your Groundhog Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've given it up and am now into boiledhog.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > > What events will herald this upcoming Year of the Dragon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    As the year of the Rabbit withers in the garden of the great Chinese } Zodiac, the year of the Dragon blooms forth in a splendid array of } animated glee. }    Finally, the long forgotten Puff, the magic Dragon, will be } recognized as he should, by being displayed on lunch boxes, backpacks, } and Trapper Keeper portfolio folders. }    Falkor, the luck dragon of Neverending Story fame, will rise like a } phoenix, but will still be called "that flying puppy dog." }    The dragon from "Tic Tac Dough" will resurface, and steal prizes } from unsuspecting "Wheel of Fortune" contestants. Pat Sajak will lose } a finger while battling him. }    "Enter the Dragon", starring Bruce Lee, will be digitally } remastered, and distributed on DVD. It will eventual outsell "Titanic." }    The character Peter Dragon, from the ill-fated Fox show "Action", } will do a guest shot on "Everybody Loves Raymond", but that's about it. }    "Dragonball Z" will be shown on Cartoon Network all year, with a } special marathon in August. It will also replace the "Peanuts" comic } strip in most locales. }    The games "Dragon's Lair", "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons", "Double } Dragon", and "Dragon Warrior", will see a sharp increase in sales. } "Pokemon" will finally find its demise. }    International Mahjongg rules will change, giving the Dragon suit a } higher point value. In response, the Bicycle playing card company } will add the suit to its 52 card decks, replacing the seldom used } Clubs suit. }    Next year, when the year of the Snake occurs, be on the lookout for } unexpected events, such as "Anaconda" being re-released in theaters. }    You owe the Oracle one of the heads of Hydra. And a fortune cookie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most unpest like, > > Is 'Hello Kitty' a demon from the lower regions of Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Kitty is a twinkling-eyed cartoon character which was invented } and promoted by a Japanese company called Sanrio in 1974. Sanrio is } famous for their cute, adorable cartoon characters, of which Hello } Kitty is one, along with others such as Keroppi, Melody...etc. This } line of cute little characters soon attracted millions of people around } the world, starting in the US then spreading very quickly to the Asian } countries, then the rest of the world. Hello Kitty is the most } successful of all the Sanrio characters. Hello Kitty has produced } different products all around the world, including wallets, watches, } clothing, fabrics, Polaroid cameras, portable CD players/stereos, } handkerchiefs, different stationaries, cutleries, lunchboxes, } puppets... the list goes on and on. In Japan, the car company Mira also } built a Hello Kitty car, and even Hello Kitty cellular phones are } available. } } In other words: Yes. } } You owe the Oracle a share of the profits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is The Best Thing since Sliced Dread, The Oracle is > the Bat's Meow, The Oracle is a 1923 Ski-doo. > > How will the USA's new gold-colored dollar coin be received?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, this is the last time I'm going to explain it to you. Take notes. } } After the Treasury mints, or makes, the coins, they ship them off in a } big armored car driven by uniformed ex-high school football linebackers } with big guns to the banks. Somebody like you comes in with their } welfare check and asks the bank teller to cash it. The bank teller asks } for your driver's license, a major credit card, your library card, your } Blockbuster video card, your thumbprint, an eyeball scan, your most } recent hospital x-rays, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a short audition for } the part of Bank Customer in the next Jerry Bruckheimer fiasco, your } email address, and your review of the latest Smash Mouth CD. You tell } her you don't have an email account and she rolls her eyes and says } she'll just write "technophobe" in red ink on the withdrawal } application. Once you sign the bottom ("here, here, here, and, oh, } here, too"), she disappears into the vault, emerging ten minutes later, } clothing slightly askew, carrying a medium-sized cloth bag. She opens } the bag and counts out your withdrawal, one new gold dollar coin at a } time, until the entire $179 is sitting in a pile on the other side of } the bulletproof plexiglass partition. She indicates that if you would } like the cloth bag, that it's extra since "these things don't grow on } trees." } } And that, Supplicant, is how you will receive the new coins. } } You owe the Oracle your driver's license, a major credit card, your } library card, your Blockbuster video card, your thumbprint, an eyeball } scan, your most recent hospital x-rays, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a } short audition for the part of Bank Customer in the next Jerry } Bruckheimer fiasco, your email address, and your review of the latest } Smash Mouth CD.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, John, Paul, George and Ringo were all the 'fifth > beatle' to your fame and talent. Your white albums are the deepest > white, and your black albums are the darkest black. > > Who exactly is the 'Fool on the Hill', why is he so foolish, what is > the name of the hill, and finally, where is the hill located?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this opens up a can of words that the Beatles would prefer } to have left closed, but, well, you asked. } } The Beatles wrote -none- of the songs credited to them. } } Not a one. } } What the Beatles did was have aspiring song writers mail in lyrics. } Paul, George, John and Dingo then weekly dug through the mammoth } deluge of lyrics they got each week looking for useable tunes. This } worked well at first, but soon they noticed a disturbing pattern. } The songs deviated from the set course, abadoning and straying from } the expressed goal of providing good music for a confused world. } Songs containing nothing but inane references to obscure elements } of other previously recorded tunes became the norm. Then things } turned real ugly and the submitted songs began to contain thinly } veiled threats to disrupt the entire process if the submitted song } was not recorded. One tune about a 'lucky cross dressing french } vampire' was sent in 347 times! Each time accompanied by a dead } mosquito that the submitter stated he had killed merely by tensing } up his triceps. The tiny dead bugs were later determined to have } been gorged with the blood of a common North American rodent. } } 'The Fool on the Hill' is now seen as the first tune submitted } by a shadowy group know as the Bl..d[. or sometimes y] M.rm.ts. } The Bl..d[. or sometimes y] M.rm.ts were taunting George in } particular with that tune ('The Fool' in their eyes) as the group } had come to see themselves as more important than the entire } process. } } Once weeding through the chaff to find a good tune became so } laborious as to have totally negated any fun involved in the } process the Beatles disbanded. } } Side note: Was Paul the most prolific Beatle or merely the least } discriminating when it came to picking songs from the queue? } Was Dingo a failure as a song selector, or the most choosy? } } You owe the Oracle a squid's turnip patch, a wild dog and } a pickled creature from the bottom of a bottle of mescal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Yummy, > > What new snack foods can we expect to see in the 2000's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most hungry: } } I am afraid that 21st-century snack foods will come as something of a } disappointment to you. The 1990s have already given us the extremes of } snack-food decadence (the deep-fried Mars bar) and minimalism (the } oxygen cafe), while the shiny futuristic space-age snacks had their } heyday in the 80s without ever reaching a wider market (nobody eats } freeze-dried ice cream unless they've just been to a science museum). } } Still, here are a few glimpses of snacks to come: } } * Cloning technology and retro chic combine to give the world... woolly } mammoth jerky! } } * Responding to M&Ms' claim to be 'the official candy of the } millennium,' a group of pedants releases M&M&Is. The new candies } reportedly 'melt in your mouth and in the back seat of your car if you } leave them in the sun, but not in your hand unless you have warm hands } or hold them very tightly for a long time.' } } * As Asian and North American pop culture continue to cross-fertilize, } look for barbecue-flavoured prawn chips. } } * When the U.S. finally decriminalizes 'soft' drugs, large corporations } will look for new ways of exploiting a product previously restricted to } small, under-the-table operations. Eventually, every convenience store } in the country will be selling Hash Twinkies. } } * The widening gap between the rich and the poor will force the former } to look for new and ever more bizarre forms of conspicuous consumption, } while the latter will resort to ever more degrading ways of scraping } by. Wealthy homeowners will squander their money on chocolate bars } flecked with gold dust, but they will have to hire armed guards to keep } people from breaking into their septic tanks. } } * Microminiaturization technology will enable companies to produce } computers that are small enough and cheap enough to fit into a soda } cracker. You will be able to surf the web on a Saltine, and then } crumble it up into a bowl of clam chowder. } } Bon appetit! } } You owe the Oracle a bar of deep-fried freeze-dried oxygen-enriched ice } cream.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most ancient and sagacious, I am but an ignorant ephemera > before you. > > We know what was happening in Sodom, but what were they doing in > Gomorah?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly each other, though domesticated animals were considered } fair game as well. } } You owe the Oracle some salt.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Wise Oracle, > >  Are negative numbers satanic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, why does everyone pick on Satan ? } } He's not such a bad bloke, I went to school with him. } } A bit highly strung perhaps, with a strong rebellious streak, } and you do need to keep him away from matches, but not the } evil eater-of-live-babies he's made out to be. } } That whole business with the Apple is what started it. } } You see Yaweh was not the most popular guy in school, a bit } of a teachers pet actually, and always telling on the other kids } whenever they broke the rules. Anyway, he had this apple tree, } and actually was in the habit of bringing the teacher an apple } every morning. } } The little weasle. } } So one night Satan and Loki snuck away from the boarding house, } and changed a couple of bug jugs of water into wine, as was their } habit. They were staggering home, somewhat merry, and they happened } upon Yawehs apple tree. One thing led to another, and before you could } say "up yours Yaweh" (actually, that's not true, they said it several } times) the tree was completely devoid of fruit. And leaves. And } branches. In fact, the technical term for what was left of the tree is } "stump". } } Well, Yaweh went completely postal, ran screaming to the teacher, } and accused Satan of the whole thing. Without a shred of evidence. } Yaweh and Satan just never got on. } } Anyway, up pops Loki, and says "Satan was with me and Orrie all } night sir". } } I, of course, backed up his story, having learned that when you're } omnipotent, it's very important not to be a snitch. A couple of the } other kids agreed we'd been in the boarding house all night, and then } Shiva puts up his hand and says "I think I saw Adam down by the tree } last night sir" - Shiva always was a trouble-maker, and he had his eye } on Eve. } } So Adam took the rap, got run out of town, and the rest, as } they say, is History. } } Yaweh, of course, never believed it, and has been bad-mouthing } Satan ever since. } } You owe The Oracle a snake-skin coat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > My family is being transferred from the Godgup 99 to Earth. > What can I do to acclimate them in preparation for this change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Prepare them for the periodic weather variations we call "seasons." } Not all the planet is covered in ice. } } 2) Sunblock. SPF 45 at least. Bring your own, too - local sunblock } may include zinc oxide, which is mostly inert to lifeforms here but a } controlled substance "back home." (Unless you're in -that- business... } never mind. I know nothing.) } } 3) Tell them to be VERY careful who they offer to shake hands with. } Human hands and arms are attached to the upper outside corners of } the torso. If one of your family should extend a hand in greeting to a } human, it may be taken either as an insult or (less likely) an offer } to procreate.  (Individuals who would make the latter mistake are, } as a rule, NOT the kind of people one would want to procreate with.) } } 4) Instruct them in the proper use of liquid water. Godgup 99 being } a remote world, water is more commonly used as a building material } there. Attempts to build a structure from water here will mostly } end in failure. (There are localized successes, but they are the } exception rather than the rule.) Water here is used for recreation } and transportation. Despite what you've heard, it is NOT a basic } necessity of human life. } } 5) Beer is a basic necessity of human life. Therefore, you need not } make special arrangements for reprocessing your metabolic byproducts - } you will have plenty of volunteers. } } You owe the Oracle a couple hours in your pool. Don't worry about } the color.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was sent here as part of the Witless Protection Program. > Where do I put my bags?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, so they leave it to the great and powerful Oracle to bestow a } new identity upon you? Very well. Og will take your bags. } } We are running short of new identities, so we'll be giving you a } modified application to fill out. Check only one box per section } please.  When you are finished, Lisa will take you into the operating } room/billiard hall and perform the necessary surgery. Also keep in } mind that we are out of anesthetic, and we'll be working with Schick } razors and hydrochloric acid. } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAM                     DATE __________, 19_____ } FORM WT-9 } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } 1. What sex would you like to be? }    [ ] Not quite male, not quite female }    [ ] Asexual (Be careful not to cut off a finger) }    [ ] Celery } } 2. What sexual preference would you like to be? }    [ ] Heterosexual, but you really like armadillos }    [ ] Omnisexual }    [ ] Anything that moves is fair game }    [ ] Anything, moving or not, is fair game } } 3. What would you like your first, middle, and last name to be? }    First Name        Middle Name         Last Name }    [ ] Yogurt        [ ] Yogurt          [ ] Yogurt }    [ ] Placenta      [ ] Velour          [ ] Khlanatakilasoniptual }    [ ] Wrrlet                            [ ] Spermy }    [ ] 55% } } 4. Please check one of each feature that you would like to have. }    Hair                Eyes                   Body }    [ ] Bad comb-over   [ ] One                [ ] Yakov Smirnoff }    [ ] Ingrown         [ ] Three              [ ] Straw and twigs }    [ ] Oozes pus       [ ] Two, with maggots  [ ] Giraffe } } 5. Where do you want to live? }    [ ] Monte Carlo (The car, not the city) }    [ ] Circus sideshow }    [ ] San Francisco } } 6. What would you like your career to be? }    [ ] Crack Whore }    [ ] Vomit on demand for nickels and dimes }    [ ] McDonald's cashier }    [ ] Cat food taster } } Signature ________________________               Date _________, 19____ } } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } There you are. Please hurry in filling this out, I have to be at } the spa in 20 minutes. Meantime, I'll tell Lisa to warm up the hot } glue gun. } } You own the Oracle.. nothing. It's the least I can do since your name } might turn out to be Yogurt Yogurt Yogurt.